Praying For Bears

[MrKilloran]

Title: Praying for Bears

Tagline: Camp isn't the only thing to dread about these woods.

Logline: A group of treasure seekers gets more then they bargained for when accidentally angering a territorial beast.




DISCLAIMER: I'm a bad proof-reader, It should have read MORGAN AND NATE!

[Tim Joy]

Nice title. It sounds like your characters are in for a big struggle.

[arroway]

Cool title. My curiosity is officially piqued.

[Rustom Irani]

If this is like "The Goonies" meets "The Edge" you've got yourself a winner.

Nice title!

[Chris_Keaton]

This is the first short that feels like a scene in a larger film. Like we are walking into a movie late. It certainly follows the monster story pattern, but I'm disappointed there was no underage drinking or sex. I mean that is guaranteed reason to get mauled. :grin:

[jmoschner]

I was a little confused at first at the end spoiler alert....


It says that "Above Ashley and Nate the sun rises" but I thought Ashley was dead earlier on. I think it was a typo and supposed to be Morgan at the end I think.

Overall pretty good.

[MrKilloran]

Spoiler response:






It says that "Above Ashley and Nate the sun rises" but I thought Ashley was dead earlier on. I think it was a typo and supposed to be Morgan at the end I think.

:shocked: Damn, I wrote the wrong name!... It is supposed to be MORGAN in that final scene, Ashley is dead, or at the very least she's still bleeding to death on that tree branch, and its not a ghostly image of her. My apologies for being a terrible proof-reader.

[Chris_Keaton]

:shocked: Damn, I wrote the wrong name!... It is supposed to be MORGAN in that final scene, Ashley is dead, or at the very least she's still bleeding to death on that tree branch, and its not a ghostly image of her. My apologies for being a terrible proof-reader.

Ha-ha that's what I thought.

[mookid]

Good story and vivid descriptions.
It was easy to imagine it as a sequence of shots in a movie. The writing shows a nice variety of sentence structure and broad vocabulary. It was fluid reading with full immersion.

I liked how it started off already at high energy and then you buried the rest of the exposition behind some funny interaction. The audience has no reason to be bored. Characters behave very human, inviting actors to prove their abilities.

Overall, one of my favourite scripts in this contest.


<spoilers>

fav moment:
NATE
(To Trevor & Ashley)
At least some people appreciate a good time.

THUD! Kyle’s mauled corpse falls into the fire. Everyone
screams. The second half feels less inventive. I thought there were too many fortunate coincidences. The monster followed their scent but it's still unable to follow them into a building. I would have expected some clever trick from Nate instead of dumbing down the monster and its tracking skills.

Also who did Owens write that message for and why did he point at it when he died? Without further clues it doesnt feel natural for a recluse mass murderer.

</spoiler>

[kennethhurd]

I enjoyed this script. It was unique, entertaining, and kept me guessing at what would happen next. I thought the characters were well developed and your monster worked well.

[MrKilloran]

It certainly follows the monster story pattern, but I'm disappointed there was no underage drinking or sex. I mean that is guaranteed reason to get mauled. :grin:

There just wasn't enough time/pages, I'm sorry, some things just have to be cut sometimes. In a longer version I could easily see some drinking, sex, and overall debauchery :thumbsup: although all my characters are generally of age, still. My take was that the monster is attacking for a more primal reason, on a challenge over territorial control, disrespected and perpetrated by Kyle.


The second half feels less inventive. I thought there were too many fortunate coincidences. The monster followed their scent but it's still unable to follow them into a building. I would have expected some clever trick from Nate instead of dumbing down the monster and its tracking skills. Sorry to hear that but I agree, their hideaway could have been handled better. My mishandling of the monster's skills is unfair to the creature. A few more pages would have been nice to work with too, stretch a little.

Also who did Owens write that message for and why did he point at it when he died? Without further clues it doesn't feel natural for a recluse mass murderer.Who indeed?

He's pointing because that's just how far he got in the drawing before he died ... Mass Murderers can have changes of heart when faced with a greater threat. I would suggest that, maybe, Owens never murdered anyone and that the story of Owens (as told by Nate) grew into a tall tale or myth to scare people when in "reality" the monster was the true cause of the deaths. That the police and general society are more willing to accept the more grounded idea of a mass murdering psychopath then a supernatural entity hunting in the woods.

[DarkElastic]

Hi MrKilloran, thanks for the read mate,

Just was based on the old classic horrors, a group of youths, the camp fire, a forest, a monster and it was enjoyable, if very cliche.
As most have found, the 6 page limit has caused a lot of problems (to be honest the 10 page limits caused problems as well, I think if we all write a script for 6 pages in the 10 page one we would all be fine :-) )
I can't add anything new, but I do agree that its a very good 1st half, but the 2nd half needs a little more work.

Overall, an enjoyable horror script, well done.

[Rustom Irani]

I loved playing "find the homage to Friday the 13th" hidden in this script. :)

The camp, cabins, lake, hockey mask...nice!

The transition to DEEP WOODS - TEN SECONDS AGO is just plain odd. You don't need it. Have the dialog trail off into the scene in the Deep woods.

And then the connection is obvious as Kyle says, "Oh shit!..."

"emasculating" implies a weakening or castrated manner. Did you mean effeminate?

The gore and death I have no problems with and is campy fun. Pun intended.

The real issue is pacing. You don't give us any breathing room once the creature begins its spree.

The refuge in the cabin, finding Marv torn to piece/s and the clue seem set-up and forced.

Moreover, if the creature decapitated him, did it leave the door to the cabin closed and intact as it left? Or did Marv enter the cabin with a decapitated arm and draw the clue as he was dying?

The clue of their escape can be worked in cleverly with stronger visuals and the characters could figure it out without drawings and external help. This would make the piece a lot stronger.

Right now its mindless fun. Fits the genre, yes! But c'mon you can certainly give me a lot more clever plot devices than these.

You certainly display the skill to do so!

Would love to see a re-write regardless of how you place.

[Kmaia]

Really enjoyed this one Jman. Can't wait to see the monster in action.

[MrKilloran]

I loved playing "find the homage to Friday the 13th" hidden in this script. :)

The camp, cabins, lake, hockey mask...nice! Glad you had fun :grin:


"emasculating" implies a weakening or castrated manner. Did you mean effeminate? I meant emasculating but effeminate also would have worked in that situation.


The real issue is pacing. You don't give us any breathing room once the creature begins its spree. I agree there is an issue of pacing but when the monster attacks I wanted it to be almost non-stop, no chance to breathe cause I felt it would create this sense of desperation and excitement. However, a slower, tense script would have played out a lot better because I left no real transition into that faster pace.


The refuge in the cabin, finding Marv torn to piece/s and the clue seem set-up and forced... The clue of their escape can be worked in cleverly with stronger visuals and the characters could figure it out without drawings and external help. This would make the piece a lot stronger.I blame my poor management of time, I just ran out of it. The coincidences towards the end are far too many and it stops so quick. It needs another look through to clear that up, I'll work on it, I just sort of dropped the ball at the end there.


Would love to see a re-write regardless of how you place.Good to hear you enjoyed the piece and I appreciate the in-depth review. I'm thinking of extending the script so if you still want to read it I'll be sure to shoot you a PM when I get it done to hear your thoughts. :thumbsup:

[Captain Pierce]

I guess I was kind of hoping that the whole thing would turn out to be a big Punk'd kind of thing given the start. :) Not that there's anything wrong with starting that way and turning it real.

I think most of what I would've said has been hit already, so I won't rehash it. The one thing I was hoping would pay off better was the bow and arrow; I know you were up against the page limit, but the whole thing just seems to fizzle out. Which I realize may have been the point all along (after all, it's kind of silly to have high hopes for a weapon that you find next to some dude's severed arm--"an arm, that as yet, has no name," if I may go all Highlander soundtrack on you for no good reason :D ), but if that's the intent, then I would have liked to have seen a little more reaction to its failure. But that may just be me. :)

Anyways, it's a good solid script.

[arroway]

A quiet camp, abandoned in the woodland emptiness. Outside
of a few lonely insects the only sound for miles is a shovel
as it grinds against the dirt.

Great opening!

Great opening scene in general. I would throw in a line that the Digger is shadowed, or in silhouette against the dawn -- or something. Otherwise, the lack of any identifying detail during his introduction is kind of annoying.


ASHLEY lays in the arms of her boyfriend TREVOR, she looks
to him worried. Trevor calmly shakes his head and quells her
fears, she engrosses herself in Nate’s words.

Great little moment! A lesser writer would have expressed this in dialog.


THUD! Kyle’s mauled corpse falls into the fire. Everyone
screams.

Awesome.


Ashley grabs a burning log out of the fire and swings it at
the creature. Each swing gives a small glimpse at its body:

Great idea!


MORGAN
C’mon you son of a bitch!

NATE
Don’t talk about my mother that
way...

In keeping with the campy tone of this may I humbly suggest:

NATE: You shouldn't talk that way about someone you haven't met...yet.

MORGAN: Awwww, you want me to meet your parents?



This was very campy and in regard to the cabin and Marv, contrived, but not in a bad way! I saw it as a parody, a riff off all the 80's slashers who themselves were no strangers to camp (pun intended) or contrivance. It's not my favorite story of the fest but so far it's definitely my favorite writing. There's a few instances where the prose, IMO, completely outshines everything else I've read here.

If this is the kind of thing you're into, I would definitely recommend trying to find a copy of the "Cabin in the Woods" script by Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon.

[Tim Joy]

Nice writing! It was a good fast read, and I definitely had a picture in my head of how it would look. I didn't feel that there was a strong ending, but as a slice of something bigger it would work well. I like how the action was written, and it was certainly action-packed. Dialog seemed natural too. Great job.

[Charli]

Technical - setting campsite is so overdone in these type of films. Camp Sunrise - Night: I had to read this twice to get that the campsite is called Sunrise. Unless it's necessary, just say it's a camp.

Get rid of CUT TO's they just take up space.

...eyes rolling... take out, sign of amateur writing.

You introduce four people: Nate, Ashley, Trevor and Morgan, but I don't get any type of description to who they are really.

"...a creature drops from above..." above where? A tree? The sky?

Since the creature doesn't have a name, cap the first letter, Creature, so it because a character more than an object.

... invaded that thing's (apostrophe)...

Overall - this is a very generic monster story. I would have liked to have less characters and get to know a little about each of them so that I would 'care' about their well being.

The guy getting slashed first was for me the best part because it happened so quickly.

Camp monster stories have been done time and time again, I would have liked a twist, something unique to make this different.

Good effort.