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arroway
08-21-2009, 12:38 AM
http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/36329/1250838393.jpg

TAGLINE: The game couldn't be simpler: run for the sun, don't look
back, and hope to God you make it.

LOGLINE: In the aftermath of the Nocturne Wars, otherwise normal, intelligent men from all walks of life revisit their worst fears by playing a dangerous game inside the plethora of inner city, abandoned buildings whose inhabitants sleep amongst the shadows, their hunger growing, patiently awaiting the night...

SonicStates
08-21-2009, 01:26 AM
Cooooool! Love that building facade too!

arroway
08-21-2009, 06:39 PM
Aw hell, I somehow didn't notice the Tetris shapes. That really doesn't help the creepy vibe I was trying to establish...

:D

mookid
08-22-2009, 02:58 AM
They don't help the vibe that you had in mind but maybe those tetris shapes could also be a good opportunity for a more distinct story.

Charli
08-22-2009, 10:36 AM
Nice Poster.

arroway
08-22-2009, 01:34 PM
They don't help the vibe that you had in mind but maybe those tetris shapes could also be a good opportunity for a more distinct story.

...

arroway
08-27-2009, 12:00 AM
UPDATE: I wrote two first drafts, one linear and one non-linear (sort of like Memento). They both come in at just over 8 pages. Haven't decided which style to go with yet.

hmmm...

Rustom Irani
09-11-2009, 02:20 AM
UPDATE: I wrote two first drafts, one linear and one non-linear (sort of like Memento). They both come in at just over 8 pages. Haven't decided which style to go with yet.

hmmm...

The Tetris music will work for both narrative styles, so no problem. :grin:

Adding an element of time running out is a great plot device for shorts. Smart!

Chris_Keaton
09-14-2009, 04:52 PM
Man that was a crap load of V.O. All exposition really, but I think it set the story up nicely and the twist was sharp/intelligent.


Spoiler alert....








Even with the Morlacs/Nocturns saving the weakest. Gave me a 'I am Legend' vibe. Good Job!

Chris_Keaton
09-14-2009, 05:16 PM
Oh and you really like your title pages. :grin:

arroway
09-14-2009, 06:32 PM
It's mostly VO because I intend to film it with a 5d Mark II or 7D.

:grin:

Thanks for the read!

P.S. What do you mean title page(s)? there's more than one title page?

Chris_Keaton
09-14-2009, 07:03 PM
it's mostly vo because i intend to film it with a 5d mark ii or 7d.

:grin:

Thanks for the read!

P.s. What do you mean title page(s)? There's more than one title page?


it's freakin' ginormous!!!

arroway
09-14-2009, 09:28 PM
sh*t son, go big or go home...

:costumed-smiley-047

Rustom Irani
09-15-2009, 01:33 AM
This is stylistic and engrossing in terms of character development. Using V.O. throughout the script requires skill for the audience to keep track of what is being said and retain information pertaining to plot as they sift through it.

Essentially you have a long monologue for the set-up and most of the middle. I don't mind back-story supplied for the plot. Sometimes it depends on what you want to convey. I feel here it's got nothing to do with the monsters being given relevance it's about a guy coming to terms with being labeled a survivor rather than a victim of choice.

The monsters are here to serve plot and aid in structure. It's also classic pacing description that avoids showing the carnage taking place and shows the aftermath, in the form of blood and destruction.

The descriptions bind this piece rather well and heck if you're gonna film this I'd watch it.

Two things that didn't quite work, The Nocturne's dialog with subtitles seemed a bit on the nose. Perhaps if he/it argues with another about feeding, it'd work better.

Secondly you have given dialogs to the other runners, and I saw a "Ryan" pop in there on page 4 and guessed it is RUNNER 1. Just one of 'em speaking works for me and keeps primarily Jeremy's voice at the forefront.

Nicely done!

arroway
09-15-2009, 03:06 AM
Thanks for the read!


I feel here it's got nothing to do with the monsters being given relevance it's about a guy coming to terms with being labeled a survivor rather than a victim of choice.Exactly! He emerged into a new world where even the surviving children and middle-aged woman had been transformed into warriors by a conflict he took no part in. How could a man's sense of masculinity survive in such a situation? What could he possibly do to lesson that inherent guilt?


It's also classic pacing description that avoids showing the carnage taking place and shows the aftermath, in the form of blood and destruction.More like cheaper and easier to film! But yeah, sure, stylistic choice, I'm very poor...err I mean stylish. :grin:


Two things that didn't quite work, The Nocturne's dialog with subtitles seemed a bit on the nose. Perhaps if he/it argues with another about feeding, it'd work better.I agree and I actually had something similar where one of the vampires prevents another from killing him in my original draft. I had to cut A LOT to (barely) get this down to six pages...I'm just grateful any of it still makes sense. I guess I could have deleted the nocturne language and used that space for less abbreviated dialog but for some reason I really enjoyed specifying the fake language, lol.


Secondly you have given dialogs to the other runners, and I saw a "Ryan" pop in there on page 4 and guessed it is RUNNER 1. Just one of 'em speaking works for me and keeps primarily Jeremy's voice at the forefront.Gah! Thought I rounded up and killed all the "Ryans". Good catch. Thank you. I appreciate it.

seansshack
09-15-2009, 04:05 AM
This seemed like it needs more room to breath. Feels like it should be a 10 page/10 minute short. Would give you more time to explore what you set up.

Brave move with using the voice over. Especially so much of it at that start. But it works to set the story. Although I would try and reduce it some, as it might run too long in one or two place. Sit back and imagine someone talking for that long.

I would make the big title page a standard font and avoid the use of bold/underline etc in the script. I know it is intended to stand out. But better if you stick to the same style and font type. Avoid the use of anything that may distract from your work (rather than enhance it).

Enjoyed the read. Well done. I hope you get to make this.

DarkElastic
09-15-2009, 11:21 AM
Hi Arroway, thanks for the great read.

Loved the world you created and the situation this characted has ended up in, in a world of people who were forced to be warriors and people wanting to be warriors. Obviously the 6 page limited made you cram, but you still gave a very good script. The VO, even with so much of it, gave me everything I needed to understand the world, his character and enjoy it. I appreciated the nocturne's dialogue and subtitles and agree with above that it might fit better as an argument between two Nocturne's, but it does work as is. I hope this gets made for this Fest.

Overall, really enjoyable script, the best so far. Well done.

mookid
09-15-2009, 12:04 PM
This was a fascinating story, introducing an interesting scenario which could easily be expanded into a full movie. Flawless execution.

<spoiler>
I didnt understand Jeremy's decision to stay. He is frightened when the game begins but he doesn't care about his life in the end. It seemed a bit forced to me. He could easily go home and lead the same life he lead before. What exactly changed inside him that this life wasn't acceptable anymore?
</spoiler>

MrKilloran
09-16-2009, 12:13 AM
Great work. A solid script from beginning to end. The V.O. at the start feels tedious to get through. Hopefully when you film it that comes across at a brisk pace or you can find a way to convey all that information in a more condensed way. After that, when his motivations and the game are set up I really enjoyed the runners, trying to experience the thrill, the madness of the war, or just out to get money.

I especially enjoyed the imagery of the building once Jeremy starts to run, the aftermath of the previous runners is very gruesome and leaves a lot to the imagination.

IMO Jeremy seems to be having a crisis of masculinity, instead of proving his worth in the war he was comfortable in a bunker and therefore he feels inadequate to Melissa and can't ever connect with her 100%. Therefore just being let go by the Nocturnes is a CRUSHING blow to his psyche and sense of self, he gives up, with no way to define himself as a warrior he can't move forward.

REHov520
09-16-2009, 08:05 AM
i liked this one a lot. sort of a post-apocalyptic running of the bulls. while i didn't mind the VO too much, i'd be curious to see you try a draft without it, instead trying to get all the exposition out in conversations between Jeremy and the other runners. there's a lot of detail to get in, particularly with jeremy's past as a bunker baby and how that separates him from the rest, but I think it'd be worth a shot. great job overall though, both in concept and execution.

kennethhurd
09-21-2009, 09:28 AM
I really liked the atmosphere that you created with this script, although I would have loved to have seen shots of what was being described in the voice over. If you plan on shooting this script, I think that by showing us his narration, it would add a lot, visually. Good job on the script.

arroway
09-21-2009, 10:36 AM
Thanks for reading!

When I originally outlined this there was no plan for voice over. But it didn't take long for me to realize that in 6 pages, it would be impossible to get all the necessary information across without it.

Michael Carter
09-22-2009, 03:48 PM
I dug it; I don't think you're gonna get around the VO, there's several levels of backstory to cover here. I would say, though, VO's can veer into laughability like a drunk riding a unicycle on ice. The minute your talent starts channeling Dashiel Hammett, it's all over. I'd really push him to speak as naturally as possible, like he's tried out to the core and searching for words. Since you're no on set, leave a lot of time to improvise, and watch for phrases that come off as overly dramatic when read aloud.

As for the subtitles - that threw me; since this guy was not in the wars, how would he know the language - languages take forever to learn, even when there's formal resources. I'd think (since these things are kinda humanoid) that it's more likely that they know our language. Especially if they keep it kind of rudimentary.

Good luck!

arroway
09-22-2009, 08:57 PM
Very good warning on the VO and actors. It's a scant few that can write that pulpy, hard boiled style and probably even a small number of actors that could pull it off without sounding like a parody. I even cringed a few times during the Watchmen with some of Rorschach's hokier lines...

As for the language. I'm not quite sure what you mean. Neither the Nocturne nor Jeremy knows what the other is saying. The Nocturne infers from Jeremy's tone what he's saying and playfully replies in its own language, not caring that Jeremy won't understand.

Michael Carter
09-23-2009, 09:01 AM
Hmm... I read it as more of a "conversation", I suppose because "this isn't what I wanted" comes at a moment that sees to not clearly be that the lead is being ejected from the building.

Just read all the scripts, wish you luck with this one - I like that you took a standard horror convention (vampire/zombie types) and addressed the levels of societal change that might come with that; the big-picture of nest-runners (reminds me of combat vets that need adrenaline fixes and end up damaged by normal life) and the smaller picture of one "bunker baby". And then a great twist to the ending, with the bad guys taking advantage of a new societal trend. Really cool, and it's a level of thought I didn't see in other scripts.

I think that level of thought is what differentiates so-so horror from the good stuff - it's a lot easier to suspend disbelief (a species of undetected underground dwellers who suddenly take on the world and almost win - there's a stretch!) when the focus becomes "how do humans really respond" and the answer is more complex than "comic book heroism". I could see this expanding to feature territory, especially with a look at fleshing out the origins of the nocturnes - could possibly be something better than "they were always here", but for a short, the backstory serves its purpose.

Hope this gets produced sometime... would love to write the score for it!

Captain Pierce
09-24-2009, 05:55 PM
I also thought that Jeremy understood the Nocturne at the end; maybe that's influenced by having seen "District 9," where humans and aliens can understand each others' language even if they can't speak it.

Grammatical nitpicking: you over-apostrophize your "it's," because most of them don't need it. "It brings its face closer and breathes," just as an example from where I was in the script right now. (And yes, I do realize how silly it is to nitpick your grammar with a made-up word. :D )

But it's hard to not like this display of useless macho bullshit. :) The only thing I could suggest to improve it would be for the Gamemaster to be taping all this for a reality show...

DarkElastic
09-24-2009, 06:19 PM
"Who loves you? And who do you love?" "Its time to start Running."

Captain Pierce
09-24-2009, 06:56 PM
"Killian--I'll be back."

"Only in a rerun." :D

arroway
09-24-2009, 07:15 PM
"It brings its face closer and breathes," just as an example from where I was in the script right now. (And yes, I do realize how silly it is to nitpick your grammar with a made-up word. :D )

Which word is made-up?


But it's hard to not like this display of useless macho bullshi*. :) The only thing I could suggest to improve it would be for the Gamemaster to be taping all this for a reality show...

No man, the power grid's ( <-------see what I did there?) down. No more broadcast television. No more "Rock of Love", no more tacky Midwestern couples trying to raise their litters of offspring in the prime time, lime light...

:cry:





:grin:

Captain Pierce
09-24-2009, 08:25 PM
Which word is made-up?

My word, "apostrophize." :)


No more broadcast television. No more "Rock of Love", no more tacky Midwestern couples trying to raise their litters of offspring in the prime time, lime light...

So right there, it's a better world than ours. :D Let's hope that basic cable is still around so I can catch "The Daily Show..."

Charli
09-25-2009, 01:12 PM
Technical - No need to bold your masterslug line headings.

First description, "bespectable and nebbish" sort of threw me off right away. Athletic clothes, do you mean gym sweats, shorts? Nike gear? Not clear enough.

Warning poster should have a line all its own.

POSTER: By Order of The....

Long, long voice over. Way too long, break it up with the character turning corners, pushing hard on accelerator, make 'feel' it not just 'hear' the V.O.

Apartment scene would have been a great opportunity to get the exposition out through a conversation with his girl friend.

Action paragraph too long too, break it up so it's not a strain to read.

Content - overall it felt more like a short story than a short script. I was being "told" the story, I didn't get to really feel the story as I would have liked.

Good job in getting it finished in time.

arroway
09-25-2009, 01:30 PM
First description, "bespectable and nebbish" sort of threw me off right away.

I didn't write "bespectable"! That's not even a word. What exactly threw you off? Hopefully not the made-up word that I didn't write...:grin:



Warning poster should have a line all its own.

POSTER: By Order of The....
Long, long voice over. Way too long, break it up with the character turning corners, pushing hard on accelerator, make 'feel' it not just 'hear' the V.O.

Apartment scene would have been a great opportunity to get the exposition out through a conversation with his girl friend.
Action paragraph too long too, break it up so it's not a strain to read.
All good ideas but unfortunately there wasn't enough room to implement them.


Good job in getting it finished in time.lol, thanks?