In the Family - Chris Keaton [Archive] - DVXuser.com -- The online community for filmmaking

Chris_Keaton

08-20-2009, 04:54 PM

Ok, I've been waffling on this thing. First I wrote a ultra low-budget comedy. Then I wrote a low budget Tarantino like Bad Guy / Badder Guy short.

Then I decided to just go crazy and not break my habit of writing scripts for this contest that will never get produced. So I present you with...

IN THE FAMILY
You'll be part of the family whether you like it or not.

Logline: A small town doctor is abducted to help a mother.

Charli

08-22-2009, 11:38 AM

"... gives them meets?" - what does this mean exactly?

Chris_Keaton

08-22-2009, 12:28 PM

"... gives them meets?" - what does this mean exactly?

It means typo. :)

Chris_Keaton

09-03-2009, 08:06 AM

Actually I think I'm switching gears and trying a new one. Talk about last minute.

Marlon Ladd

09-03-2009, 12:39 PM

Good luck, Chris. I know you'll knock 'em dead.

Tim Joy

09-10-2009, 10:11 AM

Is this the one you're submitting?

Chris_Keaton

09-10-2009, 11:38 PM

Is this the one you're submitting?

No, I came up with another idea that will never get shot. It will make you laugh, cry, vomit, who knows every reader has had different responses.

arroway

09-11-2009, 12:02 AM

love the tagline.

Rustom Irani

09-11-2009, 03:25 AM

No, I came up with another idea that will never get shot. It will make you laugh, cry, vomit, who knows every reader has had different responses.

What if I just laugh and vomit, or vomit and cry or laugh and cry?

You're a writing machine man. I could never churn out scripts at the rate you do. Especially for a monster theme.

Can't wait to read it.

Chris_Keaton

09-11-2009, 09:40 AM

What if I just laugh and vomit, or vomit and cry or laugh and cry?

You're a writing machine man. I could never churn out scripts at the rate you do. Especially for a monster theme.

Can't wait to read it.

No one says they're any good. But I hope you enjoy it none-the-less.

bwind22

09-11-2009, 08:03 PM

Looking forward to it. I'm sure it'll be pretty cool.

arroway

09-14-2009, 11:28 PM

ALL YE WHO PASS SHALL EXPERIENCE DA SPOILERS!

Their lumpy shapes under their clothes suggest more hidden
impairments.lol...ugh :zombie_smiley:

Jasper flicks on a bare light bulb. Its sickly glow
illuminates the tattered staircase.Nice.

On top of the slug lies a naked PA (70s), dead for days.Production Assistant? Physicians Assistant? Personal Assistant?

The slug pulsates and knocks Pa off the bed.Oh...

I thought it was really, really good. But for me, the ending fell a little bit flat. A "new member of the family" didn't seem to coincide with anything that was set up earlier. The mutant hicks said "momma was sick" Sick to make another baby? I don't get it. What if she wanted to make a girl so as to better populate the world? The progeny were all male after all...I also thought it would be funny if the story was bookended with scenes where his wife accuses him of cheating. In the opening one, as he's leaving the house, she could bring him one of his shirts with lipstick on it and he could insist it's just "spilled jam" and then at the end maybe he successfully sires a daughter and then the mutants kick him out and he drives home only to ring the doorbell at his house and have his wife react to seeing him covered head to toe in alien sex juice and then he mutters it's just spilled something else, salad dressing maybe, I don't know...that's just a random idea but the point is I think the first 95% of the script deserves a bigger bang to go out on.

Great script!

Chris_Keaton

09-14-2009, 11:38 PM

Spoiler, spoiled, just plain wrong.....

l
I thought it was really, really good. But for me, the ending fell a little bit flat. A "new member of the family" didn't seem to coincide with anything that was set up earlier. The mutant hicks said "momma was sick" Sick to make another baby? I don't get it. What if she wanted to make a girl so as to better populate the world? The progeny were all male after all...I also thought it would be funny if the story was bookended with scenes where his wife accuses him of cheating. In the opening one, as he's leaving the house, she could bring him one of his shirts with lipstick on it and he could insist it's just "spilled jam" and then at the end maybe he successfully sires a daughter and then the mutants kick him out and he drives home only to ring the doorbell at his house and have his wife react to seeing him covered head to toe in alien sex juice and then he mutters it's just spilled something else, salad dressing maybe, I don't know...that's just a random idea but the point is I think the first 95% of the script deserves a bigger bang to go out on.

Great script!

Oh, I could certainly expand it. 6 pages is hardly enough room. I was hoping to give the vibe that Pa was juiced to death and the Dr. was the next victim. Of course the Dr. looked happy, but he really was under the alien's spell. Besides you and a few other members here I can't imagine someone willingly siring mutants with a slug ho. :nads:

arroway

09-15-2009, 12:06 AM

Rustom Irani

09-15-2009, 02:01 AM

Any Futurama fans here? Coz' your monster reminds me of the Slurm Queen from Wormulon. :)

The major issue I've with this script is the exposition to simplify plot. The flashback scene is overkill honestly. The references with their speech, body characteristics and the clue under the tarp works quite cleverly. Why spoon feed us?

The scene in the barn needs a once-over with delete button handy to trim up and tighten the pacing. Why won't he scream for help? He moves about to find an escape route and doesn't think of shouting?

I'd also spend a bit more time describing the object. Markings it might have, what the gash reveals etc.

One of my slight peeves is watching characters on screen talk to themselves about the observations they make. For example, Roy says, "Ugh, the backwoods."

This seems forced. Though it works to develop the character for the audience, I never feel it works unless he/she is talking to someone.

Your descriptions and scene work are visually clever, well thought of and cleverly paced otherwise.

The dialogs are hilarious as I visualize them and for me the slightly open style of ending works.

The style is very "Richard Laymon" Check him out!

Good job Chris.

Chris_Keaton

09-15-2009, 06:27 AM

People shouldn't be reading comments before they write their own! New material should be approached with fresh eyes! There is absolutely NO WAY reading a bunch of critiques BEFORE you read the story DOESN'T completely change the experience...

But I'll EDIT you a spoiler warning anyway.

I wasn't complaining at all. You'll know when I complain. I personally avoid reading comments until I read the script. I figure everyone is an adult, but the spoiler thing was really for my comments. But whateva!:grin:

REHov520

09-15-2009, 11:23 AM

wow, a very gross twist at the end. i was happy that this turned out to be more than just a "hills have eyes" family of mutants. although I agree that you hit us over the head too hard with the explanation... particularly with Roy's "I can't believe I'm saying this" line. let us figure out for ourselves that it's an alien. overall i liked it, though. good job.

kennethhurd

09-15-2009, 11:30 AM

The script's pretty twisted! I wasn't sure where it was going at first, and once Jasper and his brother's showed up and started talking about their mother, I started to think of an old X-Files episode.

I loved the visuals you created with this script. I was a little confused though. I wasn't sure if the alien was there willingly or not. Are Jasper and his brothers keeping the alien against her will?

I'd like to see this one shot. I think with some good editing and showing only small glimpses of the full alien, it could work. Good job on the script!

DarkElastic

09-15-2009, 11:54 AM

Hi Chris, thanks for the read.

This is plainly disgusting... sex with a slug creature is just wrong and then having babies!!! Hilarious, Chris. I got what PA meant and who he was, an earlier victim that Roy needs to replace.
Yes, spoon feeding is no no, you could have left us with more to work out. I actually thought the metallic thing in the barn was a ship at first, so I had aliens in my head. The question of her being a prisoner or not is a good question... she seems in on it.

Overall, a disturbing script with a lot going for it. Could do with being longer so you can make it really great. Well done mate.

Chris_Keaton

09-15-2009, 11:58 AM

Thanks all. Sorry for beating you over the head. I had a more 'vague' version, but the few folks that read got confused. Maybe I need sharper readers? :P

DarkElastic

09-15-2009, 12:00 PM

Send that kid round to beat intelligence into them!!!

MrKilloran

09-16-2009, 01:28 AM

Ew. This script is kind of disturbing and questions the limits of morality and ethics.

Is "mama" a captive, captor, or just kind of kinky :grin:?

The barn scene is the only real detraction from the script, it needs to be tightened up and paced differently as it feels out of place and the flashback to the barn, happening only a few minutes before, seems unnecessary.

Good use of dialogue, very descriptive portrait of things - one of the best:
Their lumpy shapes under their clothes suggest more hidden impairments.Ends on a pretty twisted note, that final mutated image of the "happy family", great work.

seansshack

09-16-2009, 03:53 AM

Well written story. Interesting ahem....ending.

Confused by small things here and there they could be cleared up easily.

Would drop Roy's line "Ugh, the backwoods." - just show that he looks less than happy to be where he is.

A couple of fragmented sentences, work OK but stick out and harm the flow.
"He wears a hooded sweatshirt. He watches Roy pass." Few more examples of these throughout. I do it myself and try hard to avoid as they effect how other people read.

a naked PA - Did you mean PA like father?

Not sure the flashback on page six was needed.

Didn't like the line "You are...A...I can’t believe I’m saying this but...You are right there...You’re an alien." - don't think he would say Can't believe I'm saying this considering the situation. He would be bricking it and panicking.

Page 7 you mention the same room - INT. BASEMENT – DAY that we were already in (was a flashback removed here?)

This works as a tongue in cheek sort of "Slither" comedy/horror. But I would aim for more laughs and more pages. Needs more room to set up the tension.

Not sure how people would react to the ending when viewed as a visual piece rather than read. But hey look at True Blood on TV.....

Tim Joy

09-16-2009, 12:00 PM

I was confused about PA too. Maybe PAPA instead?

Chris. I like how your mind goes to those "forbidden zones". It was well written, 'cept for a little extra fluff in the barn, and the pacing was good overall. I would agree with others that felt like the beginning didn't have much to do with the end. Other than establishing him as a doctor in the po-dunks, what purpose does it serve?

If you only read the dialog, there's not much there. Maybe a little more balance of storytelling between the dialog and description would make it a more interesting read, and get us into the characters' minds a bit more. Right now, the plot feels forced upon the characters. IMO, it should be the characters that pull the plot along behind them, based on 'who they are'.

Overall- I liked the ideas and 90% of the execution, but wanted a more solid story. Loved the sick and twisted aspects of it. Rock on! I know you will.

Chris_Keaton

09-16-2009, 01:27 PM

That's what I get for switching gears at the last second. The next revision will be better or sicker?

DarkElastic

09-16-2009, 01:28 PM

Sicker I hope.

Chris_Keaton

09-16-2009, 06:24 PM

I have learned not to submit your first draft. If only I knew we were going to have a few extra days. :zombie_smiley:

Tim Joy

09-16-2009, 08:40 PM

That's quite good for a first draft. You should see mine. It looks like a pile of mama slug crap on tuesday after eating 12 macho burritos monday night.

Chris_Keaton

09-16-2009, 10:40 PM

That's quite good for a first draft. You should see mine. It looks like a pile of mama slug crap on tuesday after eating 12 macho burritos monday night.

Ooh, that gave me shivers.

Chris_Keaton

09-20-2009, 09:39 PM

Man, should've used 'Gathering Souls' it's totally getting better reviews on Zoetrope than 'In The Family.'

Captain Pierce

09-24-2009, 07:55 PM

This really reminds of the BBC show "Torchwood;" not in an "Oh, you're totally ripping that off" way, I should say, just in a "Wow, this dude is really doing a weird thing with aliens here" way. The "plight" of Momma briefly reminded me of a Torchwood episode where an alien was being held captive; you quickly took it in a different direction--although a direction that wouldn't be out of place on Torchwood.

I wonder, though, if it isn't a little cliched to make Jasper (and his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl :) ) such obvious hillbillies. I mean, it works on some level, as Roy is proven to be no more resistant to Momma's charms than the "backwoods" folk that he's so disdainful of; and it does make things easier in a short script to use a familiar stereotype as to avoid spending valuable time on developing minor characters. (And it does set you up for a nice "Deliverance" reference. :D )

I find it a little odd that you have "Momma" and "Pa" as the names of Jasper's parents. Personally, I usually associate "Momma" with "Papa" and "Pa" with "Ma." Now, I can see that perhaps you meant this as a subtle hint that they are not of the same species, or I could be reading too much into that.

Interesting concept, executed well.

Charli

09-24-2009, 10:48 PM

Technical - introducing the brothers from the beginning should be capped: TWO BROTHERS. You capped "mutant" after the fact.

jibber-jabber almost made me think of zombie or cartoonish characters. I would have liked something stronger.

You could emphasize

No escape.

by placing it all alone in a line. We'd 'feel' it more.

Cap 'driver's license' because it's important in identifying the victim.

I would rather that you would have distinguished the two mutant brothers instead of mutant 1 and mutant 2, makes it so impersonal.

You're in the INT. KIDNAPPER'S HOUSE - but you failed to mention where? Living room, foyer, dining room, unless it's a one-room house, which it's probably not because it has a basement, take us 'through' so we can feel the pacing of this entrapment.

How do we 'know' that Pa is dead for days? Is it because he's decomposing? Show us, don't tell.

Content - the story held interest but it wasn't told in such a way that you 'walked me through' the story. I felt rushed into the story. Banging the slug was funky and baby addition was funky too.

Instead of monster story I'm thinking this is an alien themed story, which again, Capt Pierce will esplain to me it's still a monster, but felt more sci-fi than monsterish.

It was however a 'creature' but I would like more visualization of the brothers to show more of their character, show me more of the family than just the face value.

Good job overall with the slug-banging-baby-making twist.

Chris_Keaton

09-28-2009, 09:28 PM

Anyone interested in the rewrite let me know and I'll send it to you as soon as I get around to doing it.

lawriejaffa

09-29-2009, 01:38 PM

Hi there... *falls on knees* CHRRIIIISSSSSSS or KHAAAN!!!!

I think its deffo worth considering cleaning up the script a bit - (call it housekeeping) its among the most interesting and original of the entries (I preferred it over Lovecraft and your Slave Moon. In fact each have shown imo improvement - and i say that as a humble learning artist myself.)

From a Producer's standpoint its quite a demanding short costume/fx wise, but it could find a taker somewhere. Personally i like the zany quality of the script.

I gotta say personally i loved the jibber jabber line - it is camp but deliciously so imo, fitting with a dark comedic sentiment. An interesting example of how certain wordage can help convey a mood for your script quite subtly.

Chris_Keaton

09-29-2009, 02:02 PM

Thanks Lawrie. I believe I have better figured out what type of script performs well for this audience. Unfortunately you sometimes don't know how a contest's audience will respond before hand. But if that contest uses the same judges overtime you can see a trend. That's why I don't enter some of the biggies, because my style just won't play, so why pay.

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

lawriejaffa

09-29-2009, 02:04 PM

Hmm i know what u mean, i just made an example of that in Charli's thread, discussing how Red Rope was written in a style that dropped like a lead balloon (for pulpfest) - it made brandon cry hehe - while Covenant for Westfest was written far more with an awareness to of the fest audience.

Yeah i'd be wary about putting any 'babies' as it were in the fest.