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nouou
08-19-2009, 10:42 AM
TAG
A pandora's box that should have never been opened!

LOG
A game of truth of dare between two children unleashes a blood sucking vampire.

arroway
08-21-2009, 06:46 PM
Hmmm, this could be similar to mine.

*eyes narrow dramatically

Chris_Keaton
09-14-2009, 08:30 PM
Ok a regular old vampire munching on some victims. Good Job.


Spoiler alert...






The arrival of the vampire seems completely unexpected. I mean that you the dare come out of nowhere and involves a door that comes out of no where. Was the vampire there waiting for someone to free him? Did the parents know this and was unprepared? What mythology was around the attic space? A lot of questions that lessens the endings impact.

jmoschner
09-14-2009, 10:55 PM
It was cute and classic. It also seems like it could be the start for a longer piece or could have gone in a bit more family friendly way had some of the back story been expanded upon.

It was a good read.

DarkElastic
09-15-2009, 10:05 AM
Hi Nouou, enjoyed the read.

Nice classic tale of a Vampire. But, the same questions Chris brought up apply to me as well. I needed more and you had more space in which to give us some more. Why was he up there? Did the parents know? If so, why weren't they more prepared?
Really liked the Nasferatu look and the classic Transilvanian feel of your vampire.

Overall though, it was a good read, but could do with some more thought. Well done.

Tim Joy
09-15-2009, 10:20 AM
Very nice visuals and a great read. The dialog was great and flowed really well. It was a page-turner. Nice and tight writing.

Great Job!

MrKilloran
09-15-2009, 11:45 PM
It was good, I liked the children's innocence and thought it was portrayed well in your writing style. Its got some great pacing and tension. I like that it has a sort of dark ending too.

arroway
09-16-2009, 10:02 PM
In the middle of the dark living room sits an illuminated
tent. Inside sits siblings TOMMY (10) and ALAYNA (8).Not a big deal but the redundancy of "sits" jumped out at me.


It’s one of those closets that is like a little room, that has its
own door.Perhaps I'm just closet-ignorant but I have no idea what that means. Do you mean a walk-in closet?


Vladimir LovarkneaumAwesome vampire name!


Vladimir gracefully floats down onto the floor, standing at a
staggering 6’,I'm 6' and I don't think anyone has ever referred to my height as "staggering".


Now, if you
wouldn’t mind, please, tilt your
heads, so that I may consume your
ever so succulent bodily fluids.lol


VLADIMIR
(whisper)
I said, you have a beautiful neck.lol



Well, that definitely was not what I was expecting. You write children very well. Their voices and actions seemed very authentic. I was with you up until the parents were killed which i think marked an abrupt tonal shift from everything that preceded it. Two cute kids, after some (what I perceived to be) light hearted suspense, unleash a rather funny vampire and then...it kills the parents and advances on the kids, the end.

For me that isn't saying enough. Especially since there is such a huge question left unanswered: the parents obviously know about the danger in the attic as evidenced by their warning the kids to stay away from it...so why the hell do they have an Anne Frank vampire in the attic? It seems utterly random.

And how is Vladimir Lovarkneaum a "Vampire for all Seasons"? This also seems utterly random.

I LOVED the the first 5 1/2 pages but the title and the last 1 1/2 pages just left me confused.

Good luck.

kennethhurd
09-21-2009, 09:39 AM
I liked this script. The dialogue between the two kids felt very natural. I was expecting a little more out of the ending though. It seemed somewhat abrupt after the excellent set up. Still, it was very enjoyable!

Captain Pierce
09-24-2009, 05:08 PM
I think your writing style is good, and, as already mentioned the children sound very real. However, also as already mentioned, the script goes from presumably light-hearted to dark quite rapidly, and the ending is quite abrupt.

I would also agree with arroway that the title doesn't quite seem to fit.

Charli
09-26-2009, 11:38 AM
Technical - unless you need to state the proper name Longfellow keep it simple and state that it's in the living room.

How is Alayana able to hop to her feet inside the tent? Tents are small even if you use the dining room table you couldn't stand up.

...dragging her to the ground... - should be to the floor for they are inside.

Is Alayna suspicious or afraid when asked about the door never to open, remember she's only eight years old.

The rest of the dialogue while they are in the bedroom should have both kids in a whisper.

Keep your action paragraphs to a maximum of four lines. You should all cap HEAD since that is an object of interest.

Content: it did not make sense to me for there to be room that the kids could not enter if it was known that there was a vampire living in there. Also for the parents to be nonresponsive and be completely taken over without a fight seemed completely unbelievable to me.

You had me at the first half of your story with the kids which dialogue was believable and actions were believable. You lost me the moment they enter their parents room's after that I think it was a forced story.

This to me was a story that had very good potential but missed the mark.