View Full Version : The Loch Monster

08-08-2009, 01:20 PM
Monsterfest entry attached (pdf)...

(Does this count as an official entry?)

08-08-2009, 01:35 PM
(Does this count as an official entry?)

Actually, you're supposed to wait until the mods announce an entry upload thread. When that is announced, usually towards the end of the writing period, you will then need to upload a PDF of your scriptfest entry to the designated upload page.

As far as I know, we are not supposed to post our scripts in our threads. I would take your attached file down, because technically they could disqualify you for it.

08-08-2009, 03:32 PM
Okay, I removed it.

It doesn't say that in the original post.

08-08-2009, 07:09 PM
Okay, I removed it.

It doesn't say that in the original post.

I'm positive that with the past script fests, the rules always stated that we are not supposed to share our script with the forum until the official share/upload time comes.

I'm not a mod, so if I were you, just PM Isaac Brody with any specific questions.

Loch Monster... sounds good. I assume you're referring to the legendary creature of Scotland. Anyways, welcome to ScriptFest and good luck.

09-14-2009, 06:43 PM
Now that the script is posted, anyone can plainly see that it is simply the greatest short film monster script ever conceived by humanity.

You're welcome.

09-14-2009, 09:57 PM
It's certainly creative. I just think the simple script lost its way at the end and got a little too ridiculous and threw in too many ideas.

The story of a teacher, a good straight man to how crazy things get, helping kids find their dog and discover the loch ness monster was good. Not exactly sure Steve has a real arch though.

Then you introduced Ahab, a character that resembles Quint from Jaws but with a reality show, kinda of a Quint/Steve Erwin mash-up. He's certainly a funny character but he just shows up, a lot of dialogue explains this. I think the story would benefit with a bit more focus or subtlety with less dialogue.

[spoiler] the ufo really comes out of left field, it was such an albatross that I was completely thrown off. Might just be I didn't like the alien twist, still a little scared from Indy 4 perhaps. :grin: [End Spoiler]

I thought Ahab's final line was pretty funny, still promoting that TV show, I was laughing. Good work, just a little baffling.

09-14-2009, 10:01 PM
Wow, that was trippy. I'm assuming this was meant as a comedy. The Ahab appearance made be guffaw and his last line. Some of the dialog was flat ridiculous. I could really see a group of kids doing this, could be fun.

09-14-2009, 10:44 PM
It kinda reminded me of watching Sealab 2021 on adult swim. I could see this as an animated short on adult swim.

09-15-2009, 02:22 PM
I think it could be expanded to 8-9 pages, if not constrained by the competition limit. I did cut some stuff.


I don't know what you're talking about.

09-16-2009, 10:01 AM
Polfilmblog, thanks for the read and tears of laughter.

I am looking forward to Lawries take on this, as I am an Englishman and I thought those characters and names were so... Sterio typical. Scottie Dog, Hahahaha.
I would expect some of this kind of writing from an American who has only seen Scotland on the TV. Are you American Polfilm?
Ahab is a sterio typical sea captain, and you have definately modelled him off the Ahab from Moby Dick, but with a today twist, his TV show... Fantastic.
if you were serious about it, I would say some of the dialogue needs work.
I loved the twist, but lost what was happening as it rose in the air, could do with some work here.
I still have tears in my eyes, shaking my head with a large smile on my face.

Funny as hell, always one in the pack. Loved it, you racist!!! ;-) Good work.

Captain Pierce
09-16-2009, 06:32 PM
I mentioned a soundtrack in another review tonight, so I guess I have music on the brain, and so I have to start with:

Many miles away, there's a shadow on the door, of a cottage on the shore, of a dark, Scottish laaaaaaaaaaake

But, of course, in this case, the shadow on the door is Captain Ahab's reality TV crew. :D I'm guessing the cameraman is named Queequeg? Or should I just call him Ishmael? Six scripts in, and I've already gone from Sophocles to Melville... (Well, and technically from Melville all the way to Jackass, if I can read perhaps too much into the Steve-O reference...)

I just went all Grammar and Formatting Police in the "Mercy" thread, so I won't do it here, but there were some issues. And the first time you went to "LOCHIE'S POV" I really didn't know what that meant; yeah, I had a pretty good guess, and it turned out to be right, but I think as a script it would work better if you just went to a generic underwater shot that showed the same thing rather than giving us the POV of a character we haven't even heard of by name yet.

Tim Joy
09-25-2009, 07:38 AM
Shut your porthole!

HA! Loved that line.

Otherwise, it would be pretty funny, if in the right hands, but it was a little too outrageous for me to latch on to. I didn't quite know what to think. Maybe I'm not in the right mood for something so zany, or perhaps I need to read it again. It was well written and had just the right amount of descriptions. I like that you get right to the point at the top. Nice job.

09-25-2009, 04:56 PM
Technical - start with fade in and never put the title of the script or your name on the first page of the script, that just goes on the cover page.

When introducing the character just make it clear who he is, what is the point of putting (Mr. Spelkick) in parentheses?

All Cap important props such as the ice cream and the remote-control.

Instead of / marks in your dialogue you should use ... to symbolize a pause.

You have three children and you're identifying them as number one, number two, number three - which makes it very impersonal.

... pulled him into the water...

When changing locations especially from land to water I would do as such:


instead of using a point of view which got confusing.

On his computer is he reading an article about the Loch Ness monster? It's not clear.

Delusional channel - love it.

...the kids see no evil... - I imagine that they are posing in these positions? You need to state that.

Content - I did not get a clear direct view who was Steve was and why he was the main focus of the story. I also did not like that the kids were not characterized by their features or their mannerisms other than child 1, 2 and 3.

The UFO was unexpected but cannot be considered a monster story since all you showed was the vehicle and not the aliens.

Interesting take.