The Things I See

[DarkElastic]

Tag line: Another night of watching Good battle Evil. But tonight the stakes are higher.

Log line: From his Penthouse suite, Maxwell Cordon watches the Light battle the Dark at the neutral hour, to decide the most important course for the human race.

[DarkElastic]

Draft 1 done... A long way to go until I am happy with it though.

[DarkElastic]

The script is now in Draft 3. Still not 100% happy with it overall, but I don't have time to create something else, unless a great idea pops into my head sometime soon. I have enough script writing to do from now until mid-September. Hopefully, I will be able to put this through a few more drafts before the comp.

[arroway]

Cool tagline but where's the logline?

[DarkElastic]

Cool tagline but where's the logline?

There you go Arroway.

[Charli]

So the main character watches or participates in the battle of good and evil?

[DarkElastic]

Wait and see...

[DarkElastic]

Had Mr Jaffa read through it for me and has given me a good bit of appreciated feedback. Going to move this through a couple more drafts before the deadline, I think.

[DarkElastic]

I'm uploaded... Still not excited about this script, but it will do for more useful feedback.
I will let you guys and gals be the judge and jurers on it.

[Chris_Keaton]

File not found? It looks like your download link is broken.

[DarkElastic]

Put a message to Isaac on the viewing page, hopefully they can fix it.

[mookid]

files can still be reached here
http://www.dvxfest.com/mirror/scriptfestV/entries/

[DarkElastic]

Good man/woman, Moonkid. Thanks.

[kennethhurd]

I loved the visuals of your script. It kept me guessing the entire time and I didn't see the ending coming. Your script reminded me a bit of Nightwatch and I pictured the battle scenes with a lot of slow motion. This would be a visual treat to see shot.

[Chris_Keaton]

Loved it. The end was nice instead of cliche. I first was thinking Night Watch/Day Watch. But it was more primordial. Once the end started I was rooting for the Earth to be spared. I mean if humans are so bad why wouldn't the dark want them to stay around? Great Job!

[DarkElastic]

Loved it. The end was nice instead of cliche. I first was thinking Night Watch/Day Watch. But it was more primordial. Once the end started I was rooting for the Earth to be spared. I mean if humans are so bad why wouldn't the dark want them to stay around? Great Job!

That's a good point Chris, but in all these things the Dark just want to create havoc and never really think much farther and they know mother earth will create something else that they can minipulate... or will they? :huh:
:dankk2:

[MrKilloran]

Little nitpicks on technical aspects aside (like first introductions of Character being in All CAPS), I liked it. As a visual script this has a great use of language to help the reader paint a scene. With every new paragraph, I got so much detail and insight into scenes and characters. Everything feels well planned out and choreographed, even little details like the symmetry (or lack thereof) of the Light/Dark beings.

At first I thought the voice over would slow things down but it feels more subtle, calming compared to the raging battle taking place. Its quite good and I really liked the ending.

[seansshack]

Do you plan to expand on this? If not I would. It reads more like a killer intro to a movie than a standalone short.

I would cut down on the descriptions. Tighten them up to use less words. Show more white space on the page as they say (if developing further). Also cut up shots into individual paragraphs of their own. If nothing else it eases the read, but will expand on the page length. The opening scene is a good example. Very descriptive and visual. But you take half a page to explain the character and surroundings.

Also would look at the character intros - capitalize the names on first use

I would drop the line at the end "Here’s to third time lucky!" It read like serious dark piece up to this. Just felt the line didn't fit the tone. I would use :
But the Earth lives on... as she has done so many times before.....

Great writing overall and good story. Thanks.

[DarkElastic]

Thanks guys. You know, I have seen other scripts with capitals on the names in first use, I know I should do it, but for some reason I havn't taken it on yet... My next script I promise!

Sean, I wasn't a fan of the last line of dialogue either, and I was annoyed I left it in.

Once again guys, thanks for reading and reviewing.

[DarkElastic]

Do you plan to expand on this? If not I would. It reads more like a killer intro to a movie than a standalone short.


What do you mean by this Sean? If you have an idea for using this, please PM me and we can come to some arrangement. I never saw this getting made, if I am being honest... to dependant upon FX.

[Chris_Keaton]

I liked the 'third time lucky' line. I would've went with the more traditional 'third times a charm' though.

[DarkElastic]

Thanks Chris :beer:

[mookid]

Like somebody else has said the scenario is interesting and it could be part of a bigger story. Maxwell is a mysterious protagonist and this could be the final moment of his movie.

Remarks about technical details: some of the descriptions felt static compared to the action. For example


It struggles to lift its sword up in defense. The Dark closes on the Light,... Suppose a radio commentator is reporting LIVE about this fight. Would he talk like that? The second half of the sentence feels detached. You are describing the creature's intent and not what is going on. I would choose more direct description.

It struggles with the weight of the sword, defenseless. The Dark closes in.Similar abstract description in:

All around the perimeter of the roof, light and black marks
materialize, to watch the conclusion of the battle.You and the reader know their intent but how would the audience understand them through visual clues?

[DarkElastic]

Thanks for the tips Moonkid and thanks for reading.

[Tim Joy]

Wow. High concept. Very creative.

I had a hard time getting into it, maybe because the descriptions are too much and don't flow well, especially the opening description. The VO is too on-the-nose for me. I think there's a better way to say, 'My name is X and this is who I am...' than the way he does.

One other thing that I personally have a hard time with is typos. There's quite a few, and one in the first scene heading. Maybe I'm just an anal prick, but when I see that right off the bat it reads as totally amateur. Sorry for being harsh.

I think you have something with the concept. Loved the ending too. Keep writing!

[jmoschner]

It seemed like the framework for a good summer action/horror movie. It had kind of a Catholic meets Cthulhu feel, strange combo yes but it worked here. Perhaps could have explained Max's powers a bit more or a bit of background for him and the others like him among the action. Felt like it needed more pages, and that is rare for me to say as usually i read stuff and want to trim things down like drunken gardener with weed wacker.

[DarkElastic]

Wow. High concept. Very creative.

I had a hard time getting into it, maybe because the descriptions are too much and don't flow well, especially the opening description. The VO is too on-the-nose for me. I think there's a better way to say, 'My name is X and this is who I am...' than the way he does.

One other thing that I personally have a hard time with is typos. There's quite a few, and one in the first scene heading. Maybe I'm just an anal prick, but when I see that right off the bat it reads as totally amateur. Sorry for being harsh.

I think you have something with the concept. Loved the ending too. Keep writing!

What are you trying to say Tim, that a Penthouse can't wear a suit!?!?!?!?

Yes, I agree you are being anal. I try not to let typos in anyone's script spoil my enjoyment of it, especially in these Fest's. Oh, and I am an amateur.:beer:

Thanks for reading and commenting though.

[DarkElastic]

Thanks for reading and reviewing JM.

[mookid]

I thought about the voice overs as well. Maxwell doesnt really have a reason to talk to the audience like that. It's not a real confession and he isn't depressed like for example the dude in Nest Runners. But you could give him a motivation:

you could put a second hidden person in a corner of the room. It would appear as if Maxwell talks to himself but halfway through it turns out he talked to this person.
And then maybe make this person totally oblivious to the battle, doesnt notice when the sword stabs through the ceiling. He or she worries about the rocket launches instead, makes jokes about Maxwells "visions".

When the battle ends Maxwell's tells him it's over and the person is like "how do you know"... and then Maxwell's prophecy comes true, the nukes fail and the person just stands there, realizing that Maxwell didn't joke around or something like that.

[DarkElastic]

Not a bad idea Moonkid, and if I did develop it further I might go that way.

But for this short, Maxwell is speaking to the audience, to anyone. He knows what could happen at the end of this battle, he holds all the knowledge whether he likes it or not, and he just needs to get it off his chest before the human race, and his life, ends. As simple as that. That is his reason, and it is a kind of confession.
With more time, then maybe he could have a larger in your face motive, maybe he is speaking to a reporter, or family member, but this will do for a 6 page short.

Thanks for your comments.

[Tim Joy]

What are you trying to say Tim, that a Penthouse can't wear a suit!?!?!?!?

Yes, I agree you are being anal. I try not to let typos in anyone's script spoil my enjoyment of it, especially in these Fest's. Oh, and I am an amateur.:beer:

Thanks for reading and commenting though.

HA HA. Yes. It can-

EXT PENTHOUSE

The Penthouse wears a three piece pinstriped suit. It reaches into its pocket and retrieves a watch. Light raindrops appear on...






Ok, maybe it CAN'T. :grin:

I think we're all amateurs here, so I sir, am humbled. :huh:

[DarkElastic]

:beer:

God, I like that. I should have done my MonsterFest script on a skyscraper wearing a suit with a gigantic watch...

[Rustom Irani]

A six page short doesn't give you much liberty to savor the setting and establish too much character or situation and therefore the opening of this piece feels extremely slow to me.


In the center of the room, facing the large windows that
look down on the city below, is a red leather chair.
Upon the chair sits Maxwell Francis Cordon, he is in his 60s
and wears an expensive suit. His shoes are immaculately
polished and his hair is neat. Maxwell oozes wealth.

You can easily condense info like this in two short sentences. The characters social status is obvious, as well. Unless he was a hobo you don't need to mention his wealth.

This is a production designer's wet dream however. :)

The "beings" themselves are given quite a bit of description which is understandable considering the fact that they are created out of your imagination. I can't help but feel that you could again be terse in that regard. Or at least separate the two descriptions, bunched together they read like a passage from a book.

Again the emphasis is to convey shot styles through phrase description.

Secondly, though the contest called for a Monster theme and you've definitely done so, I can't help but feel that these would fall more into the Fantasy realm and the elements are more theological than occult or human created in a sense.

Your style however is quite visual and once the action begins I was mesmerized by the choreography.

Another clever plot device, which works quite well in a short, is the countdown/ticking bomb element. The impending nuclear strikes enhances the pacing and I would love it if you start with this image from the start instead of dallying on the full page intro with Max in his penthouse.

The monologue is well-written and gives Max an ominous everyman quality as an observer but he seems part of a much larger story which you hint at when he mentions he has seen many battles like these before.

I'd like to see this expanded, the descriptions re-worked to curt phrases instead of chunky rolling sentences and paragraphs.

Very ambitious and imaginative!

All the best!

[DarkElastic]

Thanks for reading and commenting, Rustom.

[arroway]

Wow, that was pretty far out. Reminded me a lot of "The Mothman" (and all it's conspiracy mythos) combined with ""Night Watch combined with (oddly) "City of Angels"

IMO, the opening description goes on way too long. Especially when you only have six pages to work with.


MAXWELL (VO)
I am a member of a very small group
of humans who have the gift of
sight.I would call it something different. For a second there I thought this was going to be a world-of-the-blind scenario. Maybe "...who have the gift of sight...beyond sight"?

It's also a strange idea that there would be a certain number of people able to see these epic battles but have no way of effecting them. This is also makes Maxwell more of a narrator than a protagonist as he is simply describing the action without having any hand in it. Barring exposition, his inclusion is irrelevant to the going's on of the story. I'm not saying that's wrong or needs correcting (this being a short, i don't think it does) I just find it peculiar and I can't for the life of me think of anything to compare it to.

My favorite part of the script were your descriptions of the opposing beings. Very elegant.

Maxwell says "the members of night and dark meet at dusk..." and I immediately wondered do they meet every night or only for big events a la "The Mothman"?

I didn't understand why Maxwell called humanity a virus and then cried when he realized that dark had won and humanity was doomed.

I liked the action and I think you write it very well but towards the end it got a little repetitive for me. It is a very fine line to tread between too much and too little. When it comes to fight choreography I like to err to the side of "too much" (it's so fun to write!) even though I should probably do the opposite.



He appears being the Light and sweeps his
swords.Behind?


My biggest problem was in not understanding the rules of battle. It seems like a sudden death scenario where the first warrior to go down is the side who loses. I'm not sure if I like that better than the alternative of a "last man standing" scenario or even a light and dark "duel" between only two combatants...actually I just read it again and it seem there were only two combatants and the rest of the beings just watched. If that's the case, I think the two beings that actually fight should be larger, as in Godzilla big. Otherwise Maxwell would be peering through a set of binoculars trying to follow the action.


The Earth is a spinning ball of magma, with the remnants of
the detonation in its orbit.Great visual!

I think there is the kernal of something great here. I also think you need more pages and some more thought to give that kernal the nurturing it deserves. I would also suggest ruminating on whether or not this would make a better short story than it would a short script as passive protagonists are not out of the norm in a narrative but are very much out of the norm in film.

[DarkElastic]

Thank you for reading and commenting, Arroway.



It's also a strange idea that there would be a certain number of people able to see these epic battles but have no way of effecting them.

I don't see why it is strange. The TV series Heroes is about a small percentage of the human race having strange abilities... There are stories throughout the world, film and novels, that have stories of a small group of people having certain gifts.



This is also makes Maxwell more of a narrator than a protagonist as he is simply describing the action without having any hand in it. Barring exposition, his inclusion is irrelevant to the going's on of the story. I'm not saying that's wrong or needs correcting (this being a short, i don't think it does) I just find it peculiar and I can't for the life of me think of anything to compare it to.

That is exactly what Maxwell is, an observer. To these beings, Humanity are toys that they can manipulate and only some of us have the ability to see them, but we are far too insignificant to be able to do anything about them. As much as the sight is a gift, it is also a burden, especially at this time.



Maxwell says "the members of night and dark meet at dusk..." and I immediately wondered do they meet every night or only for big events a la "The Mothman"?

Yes, they battle every night at the neutral time.



I didn't understand why Maxwell called humanity a virus and then cried when he realized that dark had won and humanity was doomed.

Why not? Like a lot of us in this world, we know what the human race is, we see on the news every day the attrocities we cause, how horrible we are to each other. But that does not mean given the knowledge of mankind's destruction and our own, why would you not weep? There is also a lot of good people out there, who wouldn't deserve it.



Behind?

This is what is written:
The Dark humanoid slips through the ground, as the Light humanoid attacks. He appears being the Light and sweeps his swords. The Light's wings beat like a humming bird, and drag him away, lightning fast, before the swords hit.


He slips through the roof top and comes back out behind the Light. My gramatical mistake.



My biggest problem was in not understanding the rules of battle. It seems like a sudden death scenario where the first warrior to go down is the side who loses. I'm not sure if I like that better than the alternative of a "last man standing" scenario or even a light and dark "duel" between only two combatants...

These two dialogues explain it.

MAXWELL (VO)

The members of light and dark meet at dusk, neutral time. They battle on Earth to decide whether a human choice will follow the path of failure or success, whether it will be wrought with good or bad luck.

MAXWELL (VO)
Tonight I can feel very few battles, but many eyes are watching. On this building, the highest in the world, the most important battle is to be fought.

Every choice we make is battled out to decide whether it will be lucky for the human or not. And for these beings, winning that decision is a fight to the death. This is shown at the end when the Dark wins and the decision is theirs.



actually I just read it again and it seem there were only two combatants and the rest of the beings just watched. If that's the case, I think the two beings that actually fight should be larger, as in Godzilla big. Otherwise Maxwell would be peering through a set of binoculars trying to follow the action.

MAXWELL (VO)
Tonight I can feel very few battles, but many eyes are watching. On this building, the highest in the world, the most important battle is to be fought.

Normally there are battles for every decision, but why fight for something that won't happen. This is an important battle to win, and these only come around every 100 million years, or so.

The fight is being fought on the building Maxwell lives in. He cannot see it, he can feel it.


I hope this long response answers your questions :)

[arroway]

I don't see why it is strange. The TV series Heroes is about a small percentage of the human race having strange abilities... There are stories throughout the world, film and novels, that have stories of a small group of people having certain gifts.

A human having a special ability is not what I found strange. I human having a special ability that has no possible effect on anything is what I found strange. I'm not that familiar with the show "Heroes", but I would bet not a single one of the characters on it have an ability with zero utility. Why would these Observers exist? What is their purpose? To me it seems like they don't have one. Which, again, is fine but I still think short stories are generally more suited for passive protagonists than films are.



Why not? Like a lot of us in this world, we know what the human race is, we see on the news every day the attrocities we cause, how horrible we are to each other. But that does not mean given the knowledge of mankind's destruction and our own, why would you not weep? There is also a lot of good people out there, who wouldn't deserve it.You might want to consider revisiting the "virus" line then. To me, that portion of his speech came off very misanthropic which did not gel with the crying a page or two later.


In any case, I enjoyed it.

[DarkElastic]

A human having a special ability is not what I found strange. I human having a special ability that has no possible effect on anything is what I found strange. I'm not that familiar with the show "Heroes", but I would bet not a single one of the characters on it have an ability with zero utility. Why would these Observers exist? What is their purpose? To me it seems like they don't have one. Which, again, is fine but I still think short stories are generally more suited for passive protagonists than films are.


You might want to consider revisiting the "virus" line then. To me, that portion of his speech came off very misanthropic which did not gel with the crying a page or two later.


In any case, I enjoyed it.

The way you put that makes me happier I came up with that gift, it seems quite unique and real.

Anyway, glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the comments, Arroway.

[Captain Pierce]

Well, I'm going to start by limiting myself to commenting on the script. I don't have a problem with Maxwell being an impotent observer; at this length, a script this ambitious does need something of an expositional narrator. ("Hello, Expostion, what's the story?" :D ) You also did a nice job of describing the fight sequences, and I love the idea of the Light humanoid chopping off the Dark one's arm, ignoring it, and then being attacked by the Dark humanoid and the severed arm simultaneously from different directions.

Now, there's no way around it: you do have a couple of very obvious typos; the first is the smartly-dressed apartment and the second is the swapping of "being" for "behind." I'm not going to dig any deeper looking for them, but... Look, almost all of us in these Fests have been guilty of a typo or two, but here's what you said when somebody mentioned yours:


Yes, I agree you are being anal. I try not to let typos in anyone's script spoil my enjoyment of it, especially in these Fest's. Oh, and I am an amateur.:beer:

I guess I can only hope that you were trying to make a joke here that I'm just not getting. It's one thing to not let somebody else's typos "spoil your enjoyment;" it's quite another to suggest that none of us should care about your typos because you're "an amateur." Unless somebody here has a BIG secret, we're all amateurs, dude; that doesn't excuse from knowing the rules and at least trying to follow them. I really don't think it's "anal" to expect someone to do their best to eliminate typos from their script; I guess I consider it their job as a writer, whether they consider themselves "amateur" or "professional."

[DarkElastic]

Rest assured Captain Pierce, it was a joke. He left it open and it was too easy resist! I am thankful people point these spelling errors out, but they shouldn't allow the enjoyment of reading a script to be spoilt by them.

I have to do better to check myself. I had trouble finding someone to check through for me. Because, as you know, when you stare at something for so long, you stop seeing... anything!

Thanks for reading and commenting.

[ZazaCast]

Enjoyed the script. I could really envision the characters and the action. I'm not qualified to comment any more than that...thanks for the escape from reality!

Oh... I wood bee gladd two profred ure schripts in thee futur if yous liike?

[DarkElastic]

Enjoyed the script. I could really envision the characters and the action. I'm not qualified to comment any more than that...thanks for the escape from reality!

Oh... I wood bee gladd two profred ure schripts in thee futur if yous liike?


Thanks for reading and commenting, mate. I would love you to proofread Zaza, as you have a marvelous grasp of the English language :thumbup: :dankk2:

[ZazaCast]

LMAO.

Seriously though....I've worked in the publishing industry for years. If I only had a dime for every page I've proofed...wait...I do!

Let me know, I'd be glad to help anytime. It's always better to have a different set of eyes on things.

[DarkElastic]

Thank you very much sir. I WILL take you up on the offer!

[Captain Pierce]

Because, as you know, when you stare at something for so long, you stop seeing... anything!

Oh, I definitely know that feeling. :)

[Charli]

Starting with the opening sequence I also would chime in that less is more.

I am not a big fan of a voiceover in which a person states their name and who they are.

I do like however how visually you are but the action paragraphs are too cluncky, I would break up the paragraphs so that my eyes don't strain to read every word.

You can take out the character Maxwell and you would still have the story. So while he is an observer I also feel that he is nonactive which is what a lot of short films do is to have a voiceover to help describe the story.

Where is the monster?

If this is a true monster story, where is the monster? You have the light and the darkness fighting, but where is the monster itself?

[DarkElastic]

Starting with the opening sequence I also would chime in that less is more.

I am not a big fan of a voiceover in which a person states their name and who they are.

I do like however how visually you are but the action paragraphs are too cluncky, I would break up the paragraphs so that my eyes don't strain to read every word.

You can take out the character Maxwell and you would still have the story. So while he is an observer I also feel that he is nonactive which is what a lot of short films do is to have a voiceover to help describe the story.

Where is the monster?

If this is a true monster story, where is the monster? You have the light and the darkness fighting, but where is the monster itself?

In such a short story as this on a theme so big, it was easier to have Maxwell as an observer with VO, in a longer version he would be describing this to someone. Maxwell's purpose is to represent humanity. He is also a man with a gift, but is it a gift or a burden?

In these Fests I do tend to bunch my action. in a longer script where I'm not pushed for space, I would not.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/monster
Above is a dictionary description of a monster. The dark in my story fits in more than one of the Nouns described. This story fits into the monster catagory!

[Captain Pierce]

Technically, the even the Light humanoid could be a monster by the Fests' definition, never mind the Dark. So I certainly don't see a problem there.

[Charli]

I felt it was more an "apocalyptic' theme than a monster theme.

[Captain Pierce]

I can't argue with that, and yet... Isaac Brody started this ScriptFest with this quote from Hellboy (and The Hobbit) director Guillermo del Toro:



Horror allows you to look at the nastiness of the world, and accept it.

I certainly think DarkElastic's script has done this.

Also, just to be completely technical about it, there was nothing said about a monster theme; there simply had to be a monster.

And how the hell have I gone from busting DarkElastic's chops to defending him like this? :D

[Charli]

Capt - lol, you're not defending him, you're (as Desi Arnez would say) "esplaining' to me what you've interpreted in this story. You saw monsters I saw 'end of world' so we each interpreted the story differently, is all.

Maybe Dark likes it when you hold up your mighty shield in his honor. I feel we're playing tennis on Wii.

[DarkElastic]

Capt - lol, you're not defending him, you're (as Desi Arnez would say) "esplaining' to me what you've interpreted in this story. You saw monsters I saw 'end of world' so we each interpreted the story differently, is all.

Maybe Dark likes it when you hold up your mighty shield in his honor. I feel we're playing tennis on Wii.

To end your little argument on my thread, I didn't need Captain's rescue as I already supplied you with a dictionary meaning of the word monster, which my script easily fits and thus threw your statement out before it took any serious hold (thanks for the assist though Captain, much appreciated).
It is apocolyptic, but it also has monsters in it.
You can interpret as you like, but it follows the guidelines.

[DarkElastic]

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment though.

[Charli]

Dark - the 'monster' interpretation to this fest is 'something outside the ecosystem, against the norm' - (by the way, I'm not into arguments but only showing my point of view and listening to yours and others).

You dark forces/light forces were neither dynamic characters or the principle characters. It was like watching the movie 300 and the battle going on was over there.

Maxwell was the central character without any physical action or interaction other than observation (called the "watchers in the bible").

Keaton's story had interaction with a monster so the monster became the dynamic character.

Your fight of monsters is so third person it wasn't the central focus of the story, Maxwell's V.O. was. Get rid of Maxwell and put me IN the story and would feel the monsters more because it's not third person view.

That's really all I am saying that I was too disassociated with your monster.

[DarkElastic]

That's really all I am saying that I was too disassociated with your monster.

I can understand that and I totally agree. If I write a feature or extended script for this I would bring these characters together, thus removing that problem. But, as described, they are watchers who have no impact on the proceedings, as what is happening is far bigger than humanity.

It will do for a 6 page script though.

[Charli]

Fair enough, Darky.

[Captain Pierce]

Okay, perhaps I was overcompensating for giving DarkElastic a hard time earlier when I "raised my mighty shield in his honor," and since I've clearly offended you greatly by doing so, to the point where you had to take a shot at me in another thread, I guess I should apologize for it. And I'll go ahead and apologize to him for further hijacking his thread while I'm at it. :)

[Charli]

Capt - you've not offended me at all!!! Not taking any shots at you. Not one.
Not trying to derail this thread, but just trying to clarify.