“Gunplay” – I have been inspired.

[leepback]

Howdy pardners.

I’m fairly new around these parts and didn’t find this Westfest until it was too late but the efforts of the submitted authors have inspired me to add a script (http://newcastle.nsw.orienteering.asn.au/gfolder/GUNPLAY_D1.pdf), albeit out of competition. Hope I’m not crashing the party at all.

It’s based in current day Australia so I’ll leave it up to you to decide if it is “Western” enough. I reckon if Chris can base his on another planet then Australia should be a shoe in.

This is the first time I’ve written a script and I confess I’m no wordsmith so the dialogue and descriptions are limited. My other short films (only seven, all under 5 minutes and amateur) have never featured dialogue so this is a jump up for me. With limited dialogue I found it a real chore to “pad” it out to the required number of pages, something you writers would find a little amusing.

Not sure if the formatting is correct but I tried to mimic what I saw in the submitted scripts, I’m sure you will follow it OK.

It’s fairly short so wont take up much of your time so please have a gander and let me know what you think. I’m happy to take criticism, as anybody I know will just say, “it’s really good”, regardless of the true quality.

There’s even an alternate ending so I’d like to know what one is preferred. (probably a no–no in the real competition).

I might even have a go at the next Scriptfest comp.

It can be found (in PDF format) here (http://newcastle.nsw.orienteering.asn.au/gfolder/GUNPLAY_D1.pdf) …..enjoy (or whatever)!

PS – If this isn’t in the correct section, could the moderators please slap me over the wrist and move it where it should go.

[Blaine]

Well, I was willing to take a look at it but your link took me to some Google page requiring a logon so no-go.

[Casalen]

I logged in with my Google account, but it told me the document was unavailable.

[leepback]

I have tried another site and my colleague has tried it so I'm hopeful it now works (on original post).

Please advise if I've still managed to stuff it up.

Thanks for the interest.

[TimCollins]

Hey man, I read your script and it was cool as hell.

I was trying to figure out where it was going in the beginning but once I got to the 6th page I kindof got an idea of where it was headed.

I would like the ending where the younger brother did infact shoot the older brother. That definitely makes for a more powerful conclusion. And it explains how all of the obsession with shoot-out westerns rubbed off on them.

Very cool script man, it's too bad you didn't make it in time for the fest!

[leepback]

cool script man, it's too bad you didn't make it in time for the fest!

Thanks a lot, just this one comment makes me feel that I will definitely give the next contest a go. I appreciate you taking the time to look at a non-entry and reviewing it.


I was trying to figure out where it was going in the beginning but once I got to the 6th page I kindof got an idea of where it was headed.

Yes I'm a bit worried the end is predictable.


I would like the ending where the younger brother did infact shoot the older brother. That definitely makes for a more powerful conclusion.

That was my original where it ends kind of ambiguously, then I got worried as American audiences seem to need some resolution. (This opinion is even borne out of some of the reviews I've read on here)


Will have a look at "Ghost Town" and give you a review on your page.

[leepback]

Wow - over 65 people have had a look at this but only two have downloaded my script.

Perhaps I need to show more confidence and talk myself up....unfortunately that's not how Australians of my vintage were brought up.

Anyway the one review so far seems positive.

Blaine has also promised me a review and I can't wait to hear what he has to say, good or bad.

Go on download it and let me know what you think.

It's my first written script so I really would appreciate lots of feedback.

[Chris_Keaton]

Maybe, my story was set on Earth after Jupiter goes super critical and pushes Saturn closer to Earth. Ok, it was another planet, but so is Australia.

I'll check it out later.

[Chris_Keaton]

I liked it. Real clean and crisp writing. It could be set in any Western location. It would have been a real nice depressing piece, but you pulled your punch. It was still enjoyable. You do need to work on your formatting.

[leepback]

Ok, it was another planet, but so is Australia.

We might as well be another planet as it takes so bloody long to get to anywhere else.

Looking forward to your honest appraisal.

EDIT: It's already there.

[leepback]

Hey just read "Daydream Sheriff" by Joe Belzberg and realise that one of my important elements also features in his script.......a TV.

It is an unusual object to feature in a western so I hope nobody thinks I "borrowed" this idea.

Actually the stories are so dissimilar I don't think anybody but me would worry about it.

[leepback]

Real clean and crisp writing.

I think it's workmanlike. Words do not come easily to me so I try and keep it simple. Luckily the only dialogue here is between a mother and two young sons and also between the two kids themselves so it's not too great a task. In the future if I come up with any good filmic ideas I would seriously have to consider collaboration with a writer of dialogue.


It could be set in any Western location.

Yes it could but then what animal would the farmer shoot at if it wasn't Kangaroos?
Maybe a snake? I needed him to shoot and reload so that we knew the gun was ready to fire.


It would have been a real nice depressing piece, but you pulled your punch. It was still enjoyable.

So I take it you preferred Ending1.


You do need to work on your formatting.

You got me there! This is my first written script.

My other "films" were all originally done for 24 hour in-camera edited film competitions, none of which used dialogue because it is such a demanding thing to do under these conditions that we didn't even try.

No scripts were made only very basic storyboards that we might or might not follow on the day.

Actually doing this "pretend" Westfest script has made me aware of how actually having to write down a script, even one with little dialogue, helps to shape the film you want to make.

I did download CELTEX but I didn't have time for the learning curve and just winged it.

[conlanforever]

I was quite entertained by this script. Aside from a few formatting errors, I thought it was written quite well. Good, concise descriptions.
I know you said you hadn't really written dialogue before, but the dialogue in this piece sounded natural to me.

I prefer ending number two (yep, one of those darn americans). I am generally fine with an open ending as long as it fits the film. I'm not sure what tone you intended for this script, but it felt like a Family film to me and the open ending , just didn't seem right for me.

I think the second ending even though it wraps it up more neatly is a little more unexpected.
1. because its a short film and they (almost) always seem to end on a depressing note.
2. when he sees the gun, you assume he's going to kill his brother
3. even though its an open ending, I would lay good odds, just about everyone assumes he killed his brother. When the parents run outside there can be that extra created suspense, is he alive or dead? Given the tone of the script (as I read it) it just feels right with the second ending.

Anyway thats my two cents on the ending :) That said, this was a good story, it was paced well. A quick read for me, which is a good thing! Nice work!

Look forward to seeing you in the next scriptfest :beer:

[DarkElastic]

Hi Leep, I've just read your script.

I can't really add any more, and that says a lot for your script.

It is a nice little story which is well written. Your family characters are well constructed. I don't think there is a problem with it having Kangeroos, as not all westerns have to be set in America.

The ending could go either way for me. I do prefer a more depressing ending, but I also understand what Colan says and he is right a nice ending is a little unexpected these days.

Overall, a very good read mate. Shame you didn't get it in in time. Well done though.

[Blaine]

I thought you did a nice job on this. Simple straight forward story. Terse writing style. I think you'd do well to get a entry level book on screenwriting...something that explains the formatting and structure. Also, it would be a lot easier for you to write if you don't have to worry about the formatting as you go. Download Celtx here (http://celtx.com/download.html) and learn to use it. If you want to spend some money, get Final Draft or MM Screenwriter. But I wouldn't bother right now. Hell, when I started writing scripts the late 80s I used MS Word with a bunch of macros.

I think either ending is okay and actually have no preference, unless you're trying to make a point about leaving loaded weapons around where kids can get to them, then the first ending is definitely the one to use.

[jamiejay]

i will happily read and review your script... :)

but, i have to finish the others first before the deadline... it's taking me longer than i thought it would because i have been so busy.

soon though... ;)

jamie

[leepback]

I was quite entertained by this script.

Pleased you enjoyed it. Always hard to guage what others may think before you put any sort of artistic work out there.


I prefer ending number two (yep, one of those darn americans)

I'm now swinging (no pun intended) between the two endings. The best thing is that it would be easy to shoot for the second longer ending and then edit it both ways without too much more effort.



Look forward to seeing you in the next scriptfest :beer:

I think I might just have a go at it. I like deadlines, it's the only time I ever get of my butt and do something.

BTW - I haven't read yours yet as I'm only half way through them all.

[leepback]

Overall, a very good read mate. Shame you didn't get it in in time. Well done though.

Thanks for the feedback. As said above, even I'm not sure about the ending and which way to go. I didn't get it in on time because I came across it too late, but thought I'd have a shot at it anyway as a learning experience. I'm pleased I did as this sort of feedback is difficult to obtain from friends and family.

Yours is another that I haven't managed to read yet, but will soon.

[leepback]

i will happily read and review your script... :)

but, i have to finish the others first before the deadline... it's taking me longer than i thought it would because i have been so busy.

soon though... ;)

jamie

there are a lot and I haven't gotten around to reading yours either yet.

funny thing was I noticed when I printed yours it was in reverse text. I thought it must be something with the title "Go West" which the writing on the page appeared to do.

I figure my printer had a problem so I'll either have to print it out again or find a mirror.

(just printed it and it's OK now)

[leepback]

I thought you did a nice job on this. Simple straight forward story. Terse writing style.

Thanks Blaine, I'm pleased most people enjoyed it and it wasn't considered too crappy.


I think you'd do well to get a entry level book on screenwriting...something that explains the formatting and structure.

You're right on there. Only had other peoples submissions as examples and winged it.


Download Celtx here (http://celtx.com/download.html) and learn to use it.

I did download it but had trouble learning it quickly enought to get it done in time for it to still have a little currnecy in relation to this competition.


unless you're trying to make a point about leaving loaded weapons around where kids can get to them

This was my point entirely. It's a bit sneaky preachy. I don't like guns at all and thought it would be interesting to have an anti-gun western. Probably considered blasphemy by many. I also managed to make a statement on the impact of television on children but this was merely an accident as I wanted to have the juxtaposition (if that's the right word) of the black and white and colour scenes as a visual element.

Once again thanks for reading and reviewing.

[TimCollins]

Hey, watched your "Guitar Hero" short, that was good man.

[leepback]

Hey, watched your "Guitar Hero" short, that was good man.

Thanks! Yes I was pleased with it considering it's origins. It was shot without a script, only a very basic storyboard that we changed on the fly with minimal equipment and experience. It was made for a 24 hour film comp and you had to use in-camera editing (no computers) and fit in selected items/scenes/phrases.

The version you watched has been edited to tidy it up, the original is a little clunky. The password for the original is "door" if you want to see the difference.

Yesterday I went to your "silver rocket" (from memory) website but could find no footage. I was impressed by all the plans you have in place for this year though.

[Mark C]

So that Farmer should really pay attention to where he leaves his guns. What a jerk. This was so well written! I like your style here. It was easy to follow and ending #1 is a shocker. I liked the alternate ending in there because I'm kind of a softy when it comes to kids. Had it been the farmer's wife or friend or something I'd be like "Yeah! That's what you get for playing with guns!" Either way you go, it's a nice piece and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing!

[MrKilloran]

Its tight, very well written and definitely engaging. I was roped into your world and just kept reading. Natural dialogue and maybe some minor format errors but you've heard that.

I think both endings work depending on the mood you're trying to achieve.

1. Is a dark, somber ending where the audience will assume he died - very depressing but effective.

2. It's softer but it achieves some added tension and not necessarily happy but at least more relieving than the first ending.

Thanks for sending this even if you didn't enter the fest, I enjoyed the read.

[leepback]

Thanks Mr K,

So pleased you liked it.

I'm fairly happy with it considering my beginner status and my pre stated lack of vocabulary. (I have to look up the thesaurus a lot so as not to repeat myself all the time.) I think I'm better at working out the angle rather than dialogue and hence the dialogue is minimalist but in this case believable becuase a lot of it is unsophisticated banter between two children.

Like the audience I'm now split between the two endings but would film the longer and edit it both ways though eventually would have to make a decision.

I might struggle in future Fests when I finally officially get an entry in, but since trying this out I've started on one of my other simple ideas and it is definitely helping me structure what was some really just some visuals hung together in my head.

Cheers, I hope to be around for the next one - any idea when it starts?

[leepback]

So that Farmer should really pay attention to where he leaves his guns. What a jerk.

Basically that's my whole plot. Very simple, a bit preachy (no apology for that), but from these responses sufficiently interesting to at least get you all to the end page.

I was really interested in writing an anti-gun western. Might prove to be unpopular but that's what I wanted to do. I suppose as with all things anti-gun it's really the users mindsets that are the problem not the tools themselves.

Thanks very much for taking the time to read and review especially as it's an out of competition script.

[Chris_Keaton]

I don't know people can really be adverse to cowboys in space.

[jamiejay]

i liked the feel of this script. i could picture everything clearly.

based on the title and the fact that the farmer set down the rifle, i knew where this was heading right away. for this reason, i agree with conlan that the second ending is more unexpected.

in fact, i wish you would have just left out the first ending altogether. i would rather you picked the ending you think works better and just put it out there... and, hopefully, you would have picked the second ;)

still, your writing is very effective and the story is good. great work! :beer:

[leepback]

based on the title and the fact that the farmer set down the rifle, i knew where this was heading right away.

I wondered about the title. I kinda liked it but wondered how much it telgraphed the plot. Titles and taglines often tell me too much and I try and avoid anything too revealling but obviously let the cat out of the bag.

As for the gun set down I have to live with that as I haven't figured out how to actually disguise that. (any ideas?)


in fact, i wish you would have just left out the first ending altogether. i would rather you picked the ending you think works better and just put it out there... and, hopefully, you would have picked the second ;)

Since I wasn't in the comp I'd thought I'd float both to get feedback. At the moment I'm agreeing with you and going with the longer version.


still, your writing is very effective and the story is good. great work! :beer:

Thanks - I appreciate the time taken to read a non-entry and then give feedback.

[Rustom Irani]

You have done a great job with pacing. The essence of the Western is the pacing. You also used two props very effectively and I loved it.

The TV was used to full potential, it foreshadows, engages the audience and plays a role in the plot.

The rifle being the other.

I would have loved to hear the commentary from the Cricket match and you could use what is being broadcast to juxtapose the Farmer missing his shot. "The bowler appeals for an lbw! The umpire says not out." You know, something like that.

Love the outback setting and the modern time setting. Well, modern as far as B/W TV's and transistor radios go.

A few things to work on, would be your descriptions of actions.

For example,

You have the scene where he returns home. Then enters the shed. Then re-appears. Then enters the farmhouse.

Trim it up.

Similarly, you could have him kiss the woman and perhaps stand in fon of the TV to get some protest out of the boys instead of patting them on the head. That'll get the audience more empathetic towards these characers you created.

Also, the kids protesting would work better if we hear the dialog instead of the description.

I like your style and since you've read "The Patch-up Kid" you know which ending I prefer. :)

Thanks for your comments on that one.

Hope you can enter future contests. Try working on suggestions for this one and enter it for other short script contests outside of DVXuser.

[jamiejay]

As for the gun set down I have to live with that as I haven't figured out how to actually disguise that. (any ideas?)

Thanks - I appreciate the time taken to read a non-entry and then give feedback.

i will put thought into the gun set down.... right now i'm thinking just changing the title would be sufficient :)

anytime... i was happy to do it. the only reason i wanted to wait was in case the deadline snuck up on me... then i would have felt bad for reading yours before a script i was supposed to be voting on. :beer:

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there!

Right well here is my feedback as promised (and as usual I kind of meander into discusison and comparison!)

First of - and this is ironic (and certainly not personal!) but you will recall how in your feedback for my entry Covenant that you felt it didn't feel like a Western! I commented that in terms of superficiality it was not (ie it was not in the wild west desert for example) but in terms of story and structure it was - just as Yojimbo by Akira Kurosawa is concievably a western.

Obviously you feel you have written a Western here - exactly because the visual ingredients of a farmstead, a desert plain and cowboy hats and pistols are all featured. But this is really a domestic drama - where if it was not for the cowboy show on television - has not even a simplistic visual connection.

Its worth remembering that what makes a story for any genre is not how it looks - but how it feels so you may have got that one the wrong way around imo.

Now that said this is still an interesting story but as a Western genre fan I'd be scratching my head (where i wouldnt with a whole variety of other internationally set westerns cos of shared themes, genre structures.)

Right, essentially two boys fall out - and in a way the film plays primarily as a warning for unattended firearms. I think thats noble - nothing wrong with a message (my god just imagine how many scripts could benefit from having an actual point!) I think this one plays a little too obviously though - like a government informational!

The characters we simply observe - almost like a documentary i feel) rather than us becoming connected to any emotionally. Likewise we don't have much charisma - or rooting for any of these.

Now that is not unlike that great film in Lossfest shot in Argentina set in New Year's Eve (anyone recall the name) you should definately check that out as it excels in this type of story.

The writing style was 'easy' to read but terse and i found that a little too blunt. I'm not expecting reels of prose obviously but you can still fit a little poetry, and its good to avoid starting to many sentences with 'he.'

He bought a sandwich. He likes the sandwitch. He drops the sandwich. Thats a ridiculous exaggeration obviously but you get the drift.

The two endings i think is a bit of a cop out too - pick one - your the boss :P

//

This is your first script and its a good decent and worthy attempt, and I would follow Blaine's advice (he's got a bigger brain than me hehe) and grab some Syd Field! (Hell i am!) good luck!

//

As a suggestion i think narratively we could ditch the multiple characters and really just focus on the child himself - the bullied child perhaps as a sympathetic character. So that we can better appreciate one - the need for such children who suffer / to get help, the right parental attention. That would establish an emotional connection that would allow you to create a 'tragic' moment when the kid unexpectedly finds himself access to a firearm (of which its true consequences go far beyond his childish mind!)

[jamiejay]

Now that is not unlike that great film in Lossfest shot in Argentina set in New Year's Eve (anyone recall the name) you should definately check that out as it excels in this type of story.



it was called ano perdido (lost year)... i remember because it was one of my very favorites ;)

[leepback]

it was called ano perdido (lost year)... i remember because it was one of my very favorites ;)

Thanks I had a look and enjoyed it.
Took me a while to work out it was two families. Wasn't totally awake.

You did pretty well in the voting - congrats

[leepback]

You have done a great job with pacing. The essence of the Western is the pacing. You also used two props very effectively and I loved it.

The TV was used to full potential, it foreshadows, engages the audience and plays a role in the plot.

I wanted to use the TV as a visual prop. Not being a dialogue centric script it needed something visual.


I would have loved to hear the commentary from the Cricket match and you could use what is being broadcast to juxtapose the Farmer missing his shot. "The bowler appeals for an lbw! The umpire says not out." You know, something like that.


Great idea and I think I might borrow it. I was thinking that the bowler was going for a hat trick, big build up (as farmer aims) but he bowls a terrible wide.


A few things to work on, would be your descriptions of actions.

I rushed in a bit. My first script and did it fairly quickly without reading a lot of the others to see how it's done. A lot of it guesswork so I agree it's a tad rough.

Next time, and I reckon I will have another go, I will look into this aspect a lot more.


Also, the kids protesting would work better if we hear the dialog instead of the description.

all good ideas I will look into.


I like your style and since you've read "The Patch-up Kid" you know which ending I prefer. :)

Thanks for your comments on that one.

No prob - had you in my top 3 as did many others so it seems - congrats


Hope you can enter future contests. Try working on suggestions for this one and enter it for other short script contests outside of DVXuser.

I've seen "movie poet" but are there others out there this would be suitable for?

Rustom - Thanks very much for this review. It's very perceptive and great critical feedback. The suggestions are all well thought out and constructive. Hope to see you in the next Fest.

[jamiejay]

Thanks I had a look and enjoyed it.
Took me a while to work out it was two families. Wasn't totally awake.

You did pretty well in the voting - congrats

thanks :)

[leepback]

First of - and this is ironic (and certainly not personal!) but you will recall how in your feedback for my entry Covenant that you felt it didn't feel like a Western! I commented that in terms of superficiality it was not (ie it was not in the wild west desert for example) but in terms of story and structure it was - just as Yojimbo by Akira Kurosawa is concievably a western.

obviously with your forth placing nobody really agreed with me - congrats.


Obviously you feel you have written a Western here - exactly because the visual ingredients of a farmstead, a desert plain and cowboy hats and pistols are all featured. But this is really a domestic drama - where if it was not for the cowboy show on television - has not even a simplistic visual connection.

I still think it has a western flavour but since it wasn't in the competition outright it's probably a moot point.


I think this one plays a little too obviously though - like a government informational!

That's hilariously perceptive. Have you been researching me? Have you seen my "I fish and I vote" or even "Guitar Hero" films? I'm a one trick pony and I'm a "grumpy old man". You know, the Bob Geldoff, Rick Wakeman type that is cranky with everybody. I like to have a go at people in a sort of offhand way. Just wait until you get to my age sonny.


The characters we simply observe - almost like a documentary i feel) rather than us becoming connected to any emotionally. Likewise we don't have much charisma - or rooting for any of these.

This comes down to my lack of writing experience, skills and even time put into it. I may also be emotionally lacking myself. Hopefully with these sorts of constructive critques I can improve.



This is your first script and its a good decent and worthy attempt...

Thanks man, I was just so enthused after reading a couple I found here that I just threw my hat into the ring (a tad late though). I't been brilliant to get feedback from the likes of you and I very much appreciate the effort and time you have taken to do so.

Some of you write better reviews than I write scripts...amazing.

Hope to catch you around at the next fest. I'm off to catch a plane to Tasmania and my wife is asking me to sign off.

Cheers