The Wanderer

[DarkElastic]

I can't find a page for this script so I have started one. Please point me to it if I am being stupid!?!?!?

[DarkElastic]

I liked your script Deckard. Thanks for the read.

Obviously the conversion has knocked it out of sink a little, but it was still a good read and didn't distract. There will some spelling and gramatical issues in there as well. Nothing that a quick purge couldn't sort.
The whole stranger thing is not new, but this one has powers of some kind. You never know if he is good or evil. He does good things, but he also does bad things (killing the brother).
I loved the slow build up to the inevitable gun fight, which I guessed was coming early on (that isn't a problem at all). Darla and Harold are good characters and the dialogue between them is very good.
The ending never told us anything about the stranger. He leeaves still a stranger and his motives are very strange. I think a little more here would have been good. Some kind of clue as to what he is, what he wants.

Overall though, it is a good script and is a very good read. Well done.

[Blaine]

I started to read this and just couldn't get through it due to the formatting. There may have been good things in here but I wasn't able to get through it to find out. The ALL CAPS and formatting made much more work that I was willing to commit to which is a shame because I may very well have missed something good.

[NJPage]

Hi There! Started to get a very moody feel to your script Deckard, but it was kinda off-putting plowing through the CAPS. I went straight to the end - then back again for 2nd read... but didn't really get pulled in.
Guess Blaine is right about the formatting - it's got to be right, cos there a the BIG guys in the Fest who have honed their craft. (Does not include me!)
Good try anyway, guid luck for next time!

[TimCollins]

Well, that's a very interesting format you've done there. Talk about writing vertically!

The story was enjoyable though.

There were a few grammatical mistakes and the dialogue could've used the old "read it outloud" trick.

But if you download Celtx and plug what you've got into there it would read a WHOLE lot easier.

But you're on the right track!

[deckardScott1980]

thanks for the kind words..i screw up a bit..i uploaded the worng version..i did one with a spelling and grammer check...and i write with final draft but i couldnt convert it to PDF for some reason...it just didnt work, so i had to convert to rich text then to PDF so thats why its vertical LOL! But im glad you guys read it. Thank you. Thats what i get for rushing, which i did just to get it in. But im glad some of you enjoyed it!

[deckardScott1980]

and elastic thank you for starting a page...that's how much of a rush i was in..and i just didnt get to it...

[conlanforever]

I like the tone of the script and how its structured with Harold and Darla dialogue and then intercut.

It seemed odd to me that the stranger would kill Jesse and leave him for dead, but then save Harold's life.
Unfortunately the format was distracting. Thats unfortunate.

You did a good job of creating mystery.

[Mark C]

Great twist at the end. There is a nice build up to that climax with the dialogue and you never see the stranger's healing ability coming. It might be cool to drop some more hints leading into that earlier in the story just to give the end even more bite. Like I was thinking maybe he's sort of selective on who he heals. Maybe Jesse was a jerk and not worth it but the baby was an innocent life. Maybe he understood Harold's want for revenge and took pity on him. Just some thoughts because I think this is a pretty cool story you have here!

[DarkElastic]

and elastic thank you for starting a page...that's how much of a rush i was in..and i just didnt get to it...

Any time mate... I am here to serve. :beer:

[MrKilloran]

This was rough to get through, formatting is a mess and grammar needs some work. That said, I still read it to the end.

Don't use "we are" or anything with "we" that references the audience, the audience is obviously there cause they're reading the script just concern yourself with describing the scene and the visuals alone should bring us there.

I thought the intercutting between the Harold/Darla's conversation and the events prior worked really well. It all flows nicely.

I enjoyed the supernatural element you saved until the very end, it was effective. Besides the distractions it was enjoyable. Work on it and nice job! :beer:

[deckardScott1980]

mark you hit it right on the head!

[deckardScott1980]

thanks for reading killoran...if you look a few posts back you can see that i screwed up uploading and i couldnt save as PDF for some reason. As for the WE reference in the script, i have to disagree with you on this, ive read tons of professionally produced scripts and many use the WE in them. It's sort of a way to not use THE CAMERA or THE CAMERA PANS. Which should never be used in a script. I think the using WE or WE ARE is a way to let the audience be part of the story as is the goal of many scripts and films. I mean you can write a script with out using, but i think it makes it more personal in some ways. Of course this is my opinion...and thank you for reading and giving yours, i appreciate it.....Ive been writing for a long time now.. but of course i still have a lot to learn.

[lawriejaffa]

Deckard have you re-uploaded your script without the wierd conversion probs? as its a bit of a off putter - and i would like to read and give feedback too mate :P

[deckardScott1980]

how can i re upload

[MrKilloran]

thanks for reading killoran...if you look a few posts back you can see that i screwed up uploading and i couldnt save as PDF for some reason.

I'm sorry to hear that, did you figure out what went wrong with converting it to PDF?

[deckardScott1980]

i couldnt convert it with final draft and there is an option that you could...i might be my final draft

[jamiejay]

the story had a lot of potential... very mysterious... which i like.

of course there are things that need to be fixed, but i like the suspense you built through james and darla's dialogue. i wonder why he couldn't save the mother as well as the baby?

glad you entered :)

[deckardScott1980]

what needs to be fixed? other than the grammer errors

[Chris_Keaton]

what needs to be fixed? other than the grammer errors

The formatting is terrible. I don't know if was your conversion program, but it was hard to read.

Scene headings are simple. (Int. or Ext.) (Simple Location) - (Day or Night). The audience can't see what's in the scene heading, so if you put in a year or 1 day prior, etc. this isn't going to help the viewing audience. Put this stuff in a Super, etc.

Read my big 'General Feedback' thread it will help.

Your Stranger became just Strange in at least one spot.

An interesting Supernatural Western, I guess this is my favorite Western twist after Sci-Fi westerns. I would have liked to learn more about the stranger.

[deckardScott1980]

yea i posted why the formatting is the way it is already...as far ast the year and days prior being in the scene heading i dont think that if this were to be filmed, we would actually show it super imposed on the screen, visually you can do it alot of ways...make the prior stuff look different, dream like, different color...maybe in slow mo...it can work without telling the audience with titles...it didnt get across if you liked the script or not?

[Chris_Keaton]

yea i posted why the formatting is the way it is already...as far ast the year and days prior being in the scene heading i dont think that if this were to be filmed, we would actually show it super imposed on the screen, visually you can do it alot of ways...make the prior stuff look different, dream like, different color...maybe in slow mo...it can work without telling the audience with titles...it didnt get across if you liked the script or not?


I am loath to say this, but I enjoyed it, but would have enjoyed it more with more details, such as who and why, etc. I can't believe I said that. I always say more mystery is a good thing, but in this case I was left with more questions that I liked. Not that you are too far off, but just a little tweak. I can't really suggest how, since I don't know enough about the universe this story resides in to be more helpful.

[jamiejay]

what needs to be fixed? other than the grammer errors
i was referring to the grammar errors, the formatting mistakes, the all caps, the use of "we"... but everything had already been mentioned... which is why i hadn't said anything....

[deckardScott1980]

thanks for reading and thanks for the comments guys...i wish the errors and the format was fixable ...i think i would have had a chance in this contest...

[deckardScott1980]

as for the who and why...i think 6 to 10 pgs is just not enough to explain it....if anyone has any suggestions...

[Chris_Keaton]

as for the who and why...i think 6 to 10 pgs is just not enough to explain it....if anyone has any suggestions...

That happens. I sometimes toss ideas, because they can't be told in the space provided. However, with limitations I find I can find a better, shorter, way of telling the story.