View Full Version : Going Home
03-24-2009, 05:30 PM
Ha-ha! I forgot what I used as my logline...
I will have to update this later.:2vrolijk_08:
03-24-2009, 05:32 PM
Welcome to the fest! If there ever is a fest.
03-24-2009, 05:33 PM
hey, bridget! so glad you made it! looking forward to reading your script! :)
03-24-2009, 08:03 PM
Hey, you made it just in time. There about to open the read page next week! Lol
03-25-2009, 05:07 PM
so i just got a chance to sit and read your script was my first one :)
i love the idea of a traveling brothel of murderous sisters out for revenge! that's awesome.
the opening scene was my favorite. it was perfect. your description was very visual and i could imagine how it would look on the big screen.
03-25-2009, 07:58 PM
What Bodice ripping action that was! So Bridget im presuming your a lady yourself - and if so theres certainly enough girl power in this script to make me behave!
So an excellent start - and a brilliant premise that works with a delicious vein of dark humour which I think worked well.
The characters of the girls were perhaps a little similar - and i think that there were so many made it harder for any one to stand out. Though this would not be the issue here if this was written into a feature which I have a sneaking suspicion you may be considering (are you!? hehe) as the concept is good, and the writing lends itself to looking a little like a smaller piece of the bigger puzzle. In anycase id encourage you too!
There isn't much to add - its so generally pleasing, i would simply consider that if this is intended as a short (of this length) that cutting down on your girls may be an idea, and a stronger rational for their revenge motiff be put out and clarified for us. As part of a feature its fine as is imo more or less!
03-26-2009, 06:31 AM
Hi Bridget, thanks for the read I enjoyed it.
As stated already, the beginning really throws you in there, nice killing - my only question is where did she get the knowledge about which poison simulates heart attacks???
I agree with Lawrie when he says it fits as a feature, as there is a lot not explained and only touched over. There is a lot of characters to digest and a lot of story still to be told.
Some of the dialogue between the sisters needs a little work for me, it isn't bad but it does seem to jar in places.
I still enjoyed the read though, but do think you should explore the possibility of writing it into a feature. Well done.
03-26-2009, 12:21 PM
Hi there! Thought your script was very well written AND good move bringing in the girls as main characters - proving it can be done in a western setting... yeeha... Okay, I notice a couple of comments re. your script making a good feature... yep... and that would allow us to get to know ALL the girls better - OR - keep script short film and adjust to tell the story through Delilah and say... Peggy without lotsa other named characters bogging up a nicely moving plot???
03-26-2009, 03:35 PM
I liked this a lot, really a lot of fun to read.
The opening scene was very good and unexpected. Good descriptive writing throughout.
The dialogue was a little uneven.
Really like this line.
Georgine, thatís our house youíre
destroying! Aim a little better!
But felt this was not needed.
(Standing in the doorway of
Good shot. Terrance is dead.
The climax(the actual killing of Terrance) was a little abrupt for me, I don't know, maybe I just wanted Terrance to suffer a little bit more. But I really liked that he was killed by their Father's gun.
Overall I thought this was well done and entertaining!
03-26-2009, 05:51 PM
Thanks for the comments!
Jamiejay - I 'm glad you liked the idea of the script - I thought it was an interesting concept. I just wish I could have gotten a little more of the previous murderous action in. :kali:
Lawriejaffa - I agree my characters are similar and yes, there are too many of them for this short. I did think about cutting one of them, but since I am a girl and all about girl power, I just could not bear it. :crybaby:
DarkElastic - Good question - where does she get the knowledge about the poison? My answer - she is a smart, resourceful girl and where there's a will, there's a way? Okay, lame. She dated a pharmacist? Okay, even worse. I don't know...yet. :Drogar-Love(DBG):
NJPage - I do agree again - too many characters for a short. I also agree I should've gotten rid of Kate and Claire. Kate is the youngest and Claire is too motherly. But Georgine, I like her. It would be hard making her disappear. :(
Conlanforever - I think you are also right about the dialogue being uneven and the death of Terrance too abrupt. I have difficulty writing endings and I was writing this pretty late at night (before it was due) so I didn't have time to clean it up. Apologies. I am STILL a procrastinator. :huh:
Again - thanks for all the feedback!!
03-26-2009, 10:33 PM
Great concept, fun read, needs a bit more character development and fleshing out of story.
The first scene, the turn—how Mr. Tyler/Mr. Carroll goes from abuser to abusee—is a nice one and a great scene. However, the main problem, thematically, for me was that the first chunk (Delilah-Man-Doctor) and the second chunk (Delilah-Georgine-Claire) seemed to have little connection in terms of the motive/title of "Going Home"/starting a new brothel. I enjoyed reading it and the concept of the outlaw brothel, but for my focus, I'd like to see what you would do with one main story over 10 pages, with fully-fleshed out with more developed character and motive.
Also, this may be just for me, but it’s confusing to introduce someone as “Man” and then change it to “Mr. Tyler.” And then “Mr. Tyler/Mr. Caroll.” Just keep it at Mr. Tyler or leave it ambiguous. Also, I want to know how old he is. Again with names, “Two Women” are introduced, they end up being Claire and Georgine. Same thing, I want to see them visually, set them a part.
This is a fresh and creative idea.
03-27-2009, 01:07 PM
Pretty shotgun wielding women, nice! Haha, I was hoping to come across a story with tough female leads and you delivered it!
It was well written and formatted, I didn't notice any problems there.
The story was good, sisters re-taking their ranch and avenging their parents death - solid.
I liked how she shot Terrance with the gun through her pocket I was wondering how she was going to get out of that situation. And the poison at the beginning was clever.
Overall, this was an easy and fun read. Really good work!
03-28-2009, 11:05 AM
Hi again! Just doing some re-reads - and you are so right about keeping Georgine!
03-28-2009, 01:03 PM
Well this was an interesting concept. Made me think of Bad Girls just a bit. I felt like things came a little too easy for the girls, never really having any difficulty overcoming the couple of things put in their way.
I think you should pick a CHARACTER's name and keep it. No need to change the character (for dialogue purposes) from MAN to MR. TYLER to TYLER to MR. TYLER/MR. CARROLL. I think we could pretty much tell who he was from the dialogue and your Action lines. When you first introduce the two WOMEN at the campfire, you can give us their names and descriptions at that time, rather than capitalizing CLAIRE in Delilah's dialogue. The same would go for TERRANCE later in the story.
I don't think I'd have your characters say what we can clearly see...
(Standing in the doorway of the cabin)
Good shot. Terrance is dead.
I thought there was too much exposition in the dialogue. It sounded unnatural as you laid out the whole story in Delilah and Claire. I also got lost with all the girls. It would have helped if you didn't call the characters GIRL, but used their names. First the young GIRL became PENNY, then back at the camp the GIRL becomes KATE. So if I'm right, there were 5 girls. Delilah, Claire, Georgine, Kate and Penny.
Anyway, it was nice seeing five girls/women, out for vengeance, fight to right a wrong and get their ranch back.
03-30-2009, 11:45 PM
Ah procrastination, so you wrote yours the night before too huh? :grin:
MAN - TYLER - MR.TYLER - MR.TYLER/MR. CARROLL .... it gets confusing keeping up with a character who's name changes. You do it with the woman and terrence too, we could just introduce characters names and description in the action and then the other facts can be revealed through dialogue and character action. Otherwise it gets confusing.
Ends sort of abruptly and the dialogues sort of stiff but it was a fun ride, very enjoyable revenge story. :thumbsup:
04-01-2009, 03:41 PM
I loved this one! It reminded me of parts between the Quick and the Dead and Bad Girls. The beginning of this packs a punch and it flows really well from there. The only thing I would suggest is somehow introducing Terrance in there earlier. It will make it even more awesome when he gets what's coming to him in the end. Maybe there's a clever flashback type of way you can use to sort of show what these bad guys did to the girls but I think your dialogue accomplishes that anyway. Great Job!
04-08-2009, 12:00 PM
Female protagonists in a Western have to be extremely convincing to involve the audience and you've done a lovely job with your lead characters.
I would love to see those huge paragraphs broken up into digestible chunks as it helps to visualize the shots easily if you deliver it in short sentences.
There is a fair bit of exposition through dialog and that is mainly due to the ten page limit and too many characters for a short. I would've loved a flashback but that means probably younger actors and a larger cast size, therefore more confusion.
The idea behind preserving the Man/Tyler/Caroll identity is fairly ingenious but your execution leaves a lot of confused people. I'd play that scene out a bit more, let Delilah figure out the clues before moving in for the kill so to speak.
The pacing in the finale and the dialog is fairly humorous. A good thing. But you don't really need the "Terrance is dead" line. :)
This needs some polish. More lean trimmings. Very enjoyable though. Great characters and pacing get the credit, of course wielded by a writer with your talent.
All the best.
Thank you for the lovely comments on "The Patch-up Kid"