Friends and Brothers - John LaBonney

[John LaBonney]

Thanks for taking a look; I appreciate your comments!

John

[conlanforever]

Happy to see you in the mix.

[jamiejay]

welcome! looking forward to the read :)

jamie

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there John a hearty welcome!!!

[Blaine]

John, change the title...now. Nothing in here surprised me.
SPOILERS BELOW:
















I knew John and Jason were going to be brothers. Well, okay, I didn't know the baby was Jason's.

I thought it was a leap for Will to think it looked like Jason's work based on what little was found at the scene of the crime. Perhaps, had he made some kind of statement like Jason not being around and the stage was robbed, it would have gone down a little easier.

This was a good, easy read and was a pleasant story. I was wondering whether or not Matt was going to return.

For me, this story should have begun where you ended it. I think the more compelling story here is the relationship that Allison and John are going to have now that they're married and he killed her true love.

[lawriejaffa]

Yes again I will echo some of Blaine's sentiments here. I kind of guessed going in that these guys were going to have a history (brothers from the title) and thats okay! To be honest (and i hope that this isn't too offensive John cos you know I love ya and your work) I was actually pleasantly surprised to see our character the Sheriff play (morally) with shades of grey! After Barn Dance and Saint Anthony I was half expecting Archangel Michael to come down and whoop some bandit ass!

So anyway ;) that was a surprise and i wondered where it was going to go - kept my interest! It did seem to lurch out a bit (the pregnancy and the broken heart story) and i think if we could get some hints of a marriage under siege from stress / at the start - then the story could have more plausibility in this conflict, and be a little more harrowing emotionally.

One man has a broken heart, the other a broken marriage , its a lose lose. Blaine mentioned that the real story is their relationship afterward (and id say perhaps even before too.)

Interesting work my friend :)

[DarkElastic]

Hi John, I enjoyed the read.

The great thing is that you managed to make a really nice story out of very few pages, seven in all. Its a simple story, but well executed in my opinion. I understand what the others have said and agree it would shore up the story if you included more on John and Allison's sticky marriage, but as it is makes a nice read. Two good main characters, a kid who likes his badge and a woman up the duff. Will is the only chracter who has nothing.
I didn't understand why John took Matt along? If Jason is his brother and friend why take someone along who is a great shot, unless he secretly wanted Jason dead, as there was no danger to John?

Overall, a good story and a good read, thanks.

[NJPage]

Hi there! I enjoyed this script throughout, until the last page where it seems as if your story kinda run out o steam. Maybe it's like, in a short script / story, the reader is expecting a twist in the final page and feels cheated if there ain't a really, real one. Yup. Don't know if I've made a valid point...?

[TimCollins]

Hey, just read this and I liked it!

With my notoriously short attention span, by the time I got to the point where we figure out they're brothers I had completely forgotten about the title so it was a nice surprise. I agree with Blaine though a different title would do it more justice!

Your dialogue was solid as were your action descriptions.

I liked how John gave his brother a chance to get away clean but Jason's anger toward John for taking Allison away was something he couldn't help but address.

My only complaint was that Jason seemed to be defeated a little too easily. I would've liked it more if 1. the shootout had been a little longer. 2. If Matt had been killed and perhaps John wounded in the shoulder or something.

But it was a simple and solid story that was enjoyable. Good work!

[nouou]

@john labonney

i liked the story you told here. you provided good imagery and i enjoyed reading this whole thing but mostly enjoyed reading John hunt for Jason. Him galloping around on his horse, searching around the desert, you did a good job w/ that.

your sluglines aren't working for me though. you end every slugline with "-- DAY". after typing that in once, you should learn how to use time indicators such as '- CONTINUOUS, LATER, MOMENTS LATER, EVENING' etc. for example, your first slugline is
EXT. HOUSE -- DAY
and your next one is
INT. HOUSE -- DAY
on the 2nd slugline, it should've looked like,
INT. HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS
or LATER, however much time passed from point a to point b.

also, i didn't feel any of the emotions of the characters. after the gunfight, matt walks down the hill and delivers his line. this felt very 'static', aka not alive. try describing the characters feelings without actually saying something like, "Matt walks down the hill, he is very scared." instead of using that, go for something like, "Matt walks down the hill. After his first gunfight he is visibly shaken up. Veins run through his temples, sweat drips off his scalp, his eyes are bloodshot.". see what i mean?

anyway, i liked your story. good work sir.

[John LaBonney]

Thank you all for your comments. They are appreciated!

John

[conlanforever]

This flowed really well for me. I liked the story, it was simple , but it had heart.

I agree that it could've benefited by a little more information in the beginning as far as them knowing it was Jason's work. Maybe if someone from the stagecoach had gotten away and knew it was Jason.

If John intended on letting Jason go, which it seemed he did. Why enlist Matt as a deputy at all?

I liked the confrontation between the two men and the revelations that came out of it, it gave the story an emotional punch and worked well.

Overall, I enjoyed the story.

[NJPage]

Hi again! I'm re-reading some of the stuff I've been giving out as feedback. Being a newby to this... still learning. Yes I agree with Blaine and Tim Collins - and a different title could change the mindset of the reader.

[Chris_Keaton]

Ok, this is my new fav. Great Job! Cleanly written, nice twist. The gun fight action was quick and easy to follow. I just took some pointers from this script.

[MrKilloran]

Great structure and well written.
A fast-paced gun fight, easy to follow action and a strong emotional finish.

I agree the title could be reworked but the story is controlled, simple, and works great. Nice job!

[krestofre]

If John intended on letting Jason go, which it seemed he did. Why enlist Matt as a deputy at all?

This was my biggest question with the script. I understand that it was necessary from a plot perspective, but it seems to be lacking from a character motivation perspective. It would make sense for Matt to be enlisted to take John's place in town, but to say "Come with me, go home!" didn't make a lot of sense to me.

Other than that I enjoyed the script a lot.

[leepback]

Ditto re the title

The brother bit stuck in my head and I was kinda waiting for it to happen.
It's seems that this happens a bit more than it should with titles or taglines giving away far too much.

I've probably been guilty of this myself.

Thanks for the read, enjoyed it

[Mark C]

I enjoyed how this story played out. You did a really great job laying out the characters and dropping them in at all the right places. Matt really messed things up making me hate him but I still understood where he was coming from. The only thing I think you should do with this is change the title because it sort of kills a great revelation about them being brothers. It's still a cool title but it just seems to be a shame to waste that twist. Great job on this!

[jamiejay]

i thought this was a well-done and simple story. i liked it.

i found it odd that john would chase jason for so long just to tell him not to come back... also, the two names being so similar did make me have to stop and think about who was who... but those are both two very, very small nitpicks and the only ones i had.

nice work! :)

[arroway]

this was well written but i didn't understand it.

why chase him just to let him go?

why hire a deputy at all?