View Full Version : Fallengrove
03-23-2009, 07:54 PM
Two gangs of bandits are forced to spend the night in a ghost town haunted by an evil force.
03-23-2009, 08:24 PM
i like the title and the logline.
horror/westerns are my favorite hybrid genre.
03-23-2009, 10:23 PM
I'm intrigued. Always interested when genre's cross.
03-24-2009, 09:27 AM
thanks. it was a bit of a rush job, but I think I managed to incorporate some good themes and symbolism into the story, so it shouldn't be too bad.
03-24-2009, 01:04 PM
can't wait to read it... :)
03-25-2009, 09:22 AM
title pages are overrated
03-25-2009, 03:28 PM
Oookay dokey! Right well I got a little confused with the ending as in whether or not there was a supernatural force - and if so whether it inhabited 'Monk' and that he essentially (last man standing) was incarnate the force! Which i think is right eh?
It has a real 'The Thing' vibe going - with some nice suspense and paranoia creeping in there, and the banter was quite amusing between the characters (for some reason remininding me of the Big Lebowski!)
I think it got a little confuddled for me at the end, and the pay off didn't entirely work for me. I was left going eh what how? It does roughly work (the ending that is) but i think it could do with some clarification!
I liked the characters, and found the story enjoyable mon amie, just needs some tweaking imo :P
03-25-2009, 07:05 PM
In the end, it turns out that there is no supernatural force, but instead the characters are being possessed by greed. I also tried to go for the "appearance vs reality" theme, with the innocent old man being the bad guy in the end, and Baker, the character with more antagonistic characteristics, being the only one to not be possessed by greed.
I agree with you, it's my first screenplay under 30 pages, never mind 10!!! So it was a challenge to bring it together properly while still explaining all the details.
03-25-2009, 07:16 PM
Ah got you - well i think with a 2nd reading id probably get that what you say mon amie, I think thats a fine idea for a short film and your right nobody - and i mean nooobody suspects the kindly old guy. It would be like Gandalf hacking off Frodo's head, throwing it to some hungry Orcs and taking the ring of power for himself! Muhahaha
03-25-2009, 07:29 PM
PLEASE DON'T change character's names halfway through the script. If is name is Sammy and you are going to use Sammy, don't start it out as BANDIT 1. Okay, got that off my chest.
This is a western, right? "Five large" sounds a bit contemporary gangster for a western and it pulled me completely out of your story for a bit.
Now on to the story. Another bank robbery. I can go along with the story to a point, then a decision has to be made and explanations are in order. If there was no "evil force" and it was all about greed, why is the town deserted and what happened before our robbers showed up? If it's just Bruno's greed that leaves more questions unanswered and I an not satified. If there was something sinister here, then you ending probably doesn't make sense. I hope I'm making sense here. And when I look back on the story, there was an aborted robbery before the our three bandits came along. Now, they are ready to leave without the money and two more show up. This is beginning to look like Grand Central Station for bank robbers.
I've been a little tough on supernatural themes in the fest so far, but the way you opened your story up, I was ready to go along with it...at least it was a twist on the whole bank robbery thing. Then you throw the old switcheroo on me and it's just greed. Is there no honor among thieves? Just too many holes here for a firm landing I'm afraid.
03-25-2009, 07:34 PM
Yep i mean both supernatural tales have attempted to be quite ambitious on playing with the genre and i was actually going to attempt one originally for the festival too. I'm not sure but both 'horror slanted' pieces have suffered from some unusually obvious plot holes (despite at times effective suspense and mood.)
I also feel sorry for these gangs of 3 bandits they never seemed to last long out in the old West did they! hehe
I think both (and sorry to lump them together they are obviously distinct works themselves) could really benefit from a thorough inspection!
03-25-2009, 09:06 PM
I was interested in this one especially seeing as we both took the supernatural/horror route.
I did enjoy the build up in the first couple of pages but I think it lasted a little too long which forced the ending to come very suddenly.
Also, when Bruno disappears in the bank and later explains that he fell into a trap door - I thought that was solid explanation that he had been possessed by an evil force which explained the disappearance.
When I finished reading it, I thought the evil force had possessed Bruno and then made it's way from Bruno to Monk and that's how it ends. It wasn't until I saw your post here that I learned there was no supernatural force.
If there was no force, where did Bruno disappear to in the vault?
I enjoyed it a little more believing that there actually was a force possessing them.
But overall there were some creepy moments!
03-26-2009, 06:44 AM
Hi Brickhouse, thanks for the read.
It seems there are a few things that are confusing people, myself included. I don't think it will take much to get this right as there is a lot in this which is good. Here are a number of questions though:
If Baker is a tough guy with a scar, then why does he come across as such a pussy?
How does Baker come up with the answer of a creature inhabiting bodies? Did he watch The Thing the night before? It seems to come out of the blue with no real justification.
The ending is off and is hard to decipher. I did get that Monk had turned on them, but was left thinking 'what happened to the creature?' Now you say it was not there in the first place, but it is not clear.
Overall, I did enjoy the read and do feel that with a bit more work this could be a really good, and suspenseful thriller/horror. I really think you should go along with the creature but make it more obvious to Baker. And have Monk leave with the creature inhabiting him, to move on to the next town and continue the horror. Well done though.
03-26-2009, 06:59 AM
Well, to be honest, I originally wrote it with having an actual creature, like in the thing. But then when I reflected upon it, I realized that there could have been no creature, but instead greed, which I liked because of the way it reflects on human nature as corrupt and greedy.
But i do agree that some things go unexplained. it was the first time writing this short, so it was a challenge. but it was fun!! thanks for all the advice
03-26-2009, 07:03 AM
And as for Baker looking real badass, but in reality being a smart, that was intentional. I tried to make every character unlike their appearance.
03-27-2009, 09:54 AM
Creature or no creature doesn't really bother me. I thought there would be one, but the turn at the end was fine with me.
The biggest feeling I get from this script is that it's a little unfocused. That's crappy feedback because it's completely subjective and unclear. It just kind of felt like the scenes were a little all over the place. We're in the street, in the bank, in the saloon, with little motivation to change them. You could cut the saloon entirely, move those scenes back to the street or bank, and still have your story.
I think your story is there. Your writing is good. Maybe just a few more passes at this and it would really come together.
03-27-2009, 10:24 AM
Hiya! Mmmm... seems like a well written script action / characters / dialogue.
But, for me the story was lacking, and I just never hooked into what all the robbers and bandits were... naaa, sorry, it didn't really happen for me.
Obvious writing skills - yay!
Actual storyline... nay...
03-28-2009, 09:36 AM
I liked the supernatural feel. But like other's have said there was something lacking. However, I was interested enough to overlook much of that, but then this happened.
What ever scared this town away is
inside your friend. Some sort of
creature, or somethin’. You stay
here and keep an eye on Eli and
Monk, and I’ll got find Bruno.
What would make them jump to this conclusion? Then nothing happens after that, we don't know if it was supernatural or not. I think you had a much longer piece in mind and ran into the page limit. Good Luck!
03-28-2009, 12:02 PM
I like the plot and you write well. Most of action descriptions were short and to point, so flowed really well. Nice.
I agree with critique about the above dialogue by Baker, that seemed out of place for me. Also I think Blaine mentioned the name thing, Bandit 1 suddenly becomes Sammie, its minor, it just took me out of story for a moment.
Very good creepy feeling throughout. I also was reminded of 'The Thing' , for the tone that was set, which is a good thing!
03-30-2009, 07:19 AM
thanks for the reads!
i appreaciate all the feedback
03-30-2009, 10:34 AM
You set up a very chilling and suspenseful tone but it never really payed off in the end. I liked where you took it but I was expecting some sort of supernatural "The Thing" creature turning them against one another.
The descriptions really lack focus and the characters just sort of wander without a real sense to motivate them from one place to the other.
The twist is interesting and simple in its execution, it works. It has some good flow and you write well so good job. :beer:
03-31-2009, 10:04 PM
most of what i have to say has already been said.
the beginning established a terrific mood of suspense and creepiness... but the ending left me wanting something more. i wanted it to be more of a horror. that would have better accounted for the abandoned town and the dead bodies. as it is, i was confused at parts and the ending was a little disappointing.
your writing style is very effective, however, and you have a great premise for a ghost/horror story. i would love to see you rework this so the ending delivers the creepy ending that the great beginning promised! :)
04-01-2009, 03:54 PM
Great name and great set up for this story! I have to admit I too was hoping for some kind of supernatural payoff at the end. I think it's defiantly more meaningful the way you have it set up with the nice old man being the bad guy and greed being the monster because it makes you think. There's probably going to be some back and forth on it because you write so well and the set up was really good. So some will want to see the monster when they get to the last page and some will feel satisfied with the symbolism of it all. I guess my only thought is that if you could some how deliver both it would be the twist of all twists! Still, I enjoyed this one quite a bit!
04-02-2009, 08:20 AM
thanks for the kind critique. I guess I would have been better off if there was a monster but oh well.
04-07-2009, 01:30 PM
The old "blood-still-wet" premise. Other examples off the top of my head include "aliens", "predator", "event horizon", all of them movies i love.
I thought it was strange that the 3 man group were outgunned by the 2 man group and ended up being completely subservient to a weaker party...
The second set of names really isn't handled well upon introduction. only one of new characters is given a title, as "bandit 1" and then suddenly we have two new names that had no segue from their previous titles. Why not just call them by name to begin with and then reveal the names in dialogue?
Looks like we’re stuck here for the
IMO, Ranks right up there with “I’ll be right back” and “lets split up!”
I have no idea what these are. Do you mean “(Beat)”?
“There is a CRASH coming from downstairs.”
Passive voice. Could easily be: “Something CRASHES downstairs”. there was a lot of examples of this.
Baker’s explanation for the “creature” seems to come out of nowhere. How did he figure all that out?
i think there could be a good story in here with a few more rewrites.