The last stop [Archive] - DVXuser.com -- The online community for filmmaking

lawriejaffa

03-25-2009, 01:50 PM

hey there Conlan (yep spoilers too)

I enjoyed this dark little tale! Likewise I found the cast of characters to be utterly intriguing and menacing with their own peculiarities and such like with our 'hero' er... The little reveal with the kid and its metaphors (which i think are abundant in this) create a general mood of evil, perversion and dark sexuality.

This is a very neo-gothic like clive barker-esque western that wouldn't look out of place in his books of blood!

So I enjoyed it - and of course found it disturbing as well! I think this is as Krestofre says a 'quality work.' For me the only room I can see for improvement is to bring a greater clarity to the overall point (as i draw conclusions myself) but is it meant to be subjective or do you have an overriding point to make with the script? I took from it that our lead was trapped in a personal hell doomed to travel with no home and an insatiable appetite wrought from the horrors of war and sexual abuse! (yey)

If there is a more singular point you want to make though that might be lost within the quite overwhelming (but i think delicious) macabre beasties you have occupying the story.

conlanforever

03-25-2009, 06:10 PM

krestofre...thanks I truly appreciate the compliments and glad you enjoyed it. I think maybe this story had a little less emotional/personal punch than my last two stories.
Thanks for reading and commenting.

Lawrie the twisted, heh heh...I appreciate the comments and glad to hear that you enjoyed it. I'll take any comparison to Barker as a compliment. Thank you.
You always give me a lot to think about in your comments. I'll have to chew it over a bit, but I'll definitely get back to the subject. Thanks for the thoughts.

lawriejaffa

03-25-2009, 06:18 PM

I'm just amazed you managed to fit all my ex-girlfriends in your script Conlan - how'd you do it ;) and yes It was definately meant as a compliment! Excellent bit of dark poetry there (as Bill Hicks might say)

nouou

03-25-2009, 08:00 PM

@conlanforever

i really liked your script sir.

you had alot of characters and all had their own unique 'image' and traits, which i liked. i liked the unfamiliarity in the beginning, when Jack meets the Dirty Kid, whos name appears as Bub later.

Bub waves his derby, exposing two little horns on his
head.
this was my absolute favorite line from the script. although dual horns are often associated with satan (lol?), this came off as a happy exit out of the saloon, which i thought was cool.

overall i liked your script. stuctured really well, sluglines were done well and you used 'continuous' and 'later', so props to you. good job :thumbup:

conlanforever

03-26-2009, 08:21 AM

Krestofre...glad to see you got my Beelzebub reference.

Lawrie...You got it right with the traveling with no home, personal hell, horrors of war, sexual abuse. He was tired of it and finally decided it was time to go back to the origin and put an end to it or try anyway. I wasn't trying to make one singular point withe story, more subjective.

Please who are you kidding, I just barely scratched the surface of the many twisted babes 'o' perversion that you've dated. heh heh

Nouou....I appreciate the read and I'm glad that you liked the script.
I'm happy to hear that the introduction of Bub and the exit with him worked for you.
Thank you for the props and the comments.

TimCollins

03-26-2009, 09:52 AM

Hey, just read it and I REALLY enjoyed this one.

The way it started out I thought it was going to be another 'guy goes to a bar and there's a shootout' type deal but I was extremely surprised by the bizarre freak show that ensued. The cast of characters were all great in their own way.

Also, your writing is very descriptive but in the most concise way possible which is great. Short and sweet, easy to read.

I really liked...

Their hands find
buttons and their clothes find the floor.Such a quick and easy way to describe something that could've taken up so much unnecessary space.

The ending was great. I liked how the biggest "freak" of them all turned out to be the one with no physical abnormalities. With the "Everyone who comes here does it for a reason" line I figured he would have something wrong with him but never expected it to be that bad!

My only tiny little trivial nit-pick would be some of the action lines seem to run on just using commas where there should be periods. For example...

JACK (late 20s) wiry and tough as nails, rides CHARLOTTE, a
black mare, there's a small town in the distance.I think that would've read easier with starting a new sentence at "There's." There were a few other things like that scattered throughout but not a whole lot.

Overall, this one was great and a ton of fun to read. Very solid entry in my book. :thumbup:

Mark C

03-26-2009, 01:57 PM

Great characters! There so much going on in here. I think what this story does best is giving you enough to think that something might not be right with Jack and then taking that doubt away in just the right places . You have done this by creating those moments of heroism (being kind to the Bub, helping Molly) which really keeps the reader wondering about this guy. How can anything be wrong with a guy like this? Then when we get to the end we find out Jack has some serious issues. Great Work!

jamiejay

03-26-2009, 04:47 PM

i love a freak show... what excellent characters! your scripts never disappoint. good action, unique and thought-provoking plots, and always a satisfying amount of the twisted. ;)

i, too, picked up on the beelzebub reference... nice. and oginali means "friend", right?

i hope i don't sound like an idiot with this question but- did molly's spirit go into the horse or did he just name the horse after his latest victim? it's an interesting concept either way.

my favorite scene was the image of an unconscious conjoined twin dragging her sister to the floor... so messed up it was perfection. ;)

and we both had a saloon girl named molly! you know what they say about great minds... haha :)

great job! :beer:

jamie

conlanforever

03-26-2009, 05:36 PM

Tim, Mark Jamie...thank you for the kind words, its truly appreciated.

Tim....glad you enjoyed it. I'm happy to hear the descriptions worked for you, I've been working to try and keep them short and concise.
You're dead right about the periods, I certainly could have used them in some spots. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Mark....I wanted there to be some sincere side to Jack. So it wouldn't so black and white, and there would be some gray area, because he does have some "serious issues" I appreciate the compliments.

Jamie....Glad you enjoyed the freak show.
Nice pick up on Bub and you're correct Oginali means friend :thumbup:
He is just calling the horse after each victim as a twisted homage and you never sound like an idiot.
The twin dragging scene is also one of my favorite visuals.

Molly the saloon girls, what are the odds. hehe
You actually influenced the climax of the Sue plotline. In my last script I know you wanted the heroine to get out on her own and I thought that it would be perfect for Sue in this situation. Always appreciate your comments. Thanks.

REHov520

03-26-2009, 06:27 PM

very cool and original. i liked all the freaks. sort of wanted them to win out over Jack, but this is his story so that probably couldn't happen. i would, however, have liked it better if this saloon had indeed been the 'last stop' for Jack. Doesn't necessarily mean he has to die there in the story, maybe he just stays there and takes over the place, but since the name of the script and the name of the bar are both 'last stop', I was expecting and wanting this place to be the end of the line for the character. it may seem too obvious but that's just how i felt.

i'll admit i was a bit confused by the ending with the mother. was there anything supernatural going on with the locks of hair? does he kill his mother at end? maybe i'm dumb but i had a lot of questions at the end.

i know time is short but i wish you would've developed the mentally-crazy guy more. we never really know much about him except for the bartender telling us he's crazy. if you develop his insanity more it'll really give this saloon a feeling of freakishness, because we'd have a stronger sense of the physical and mental craziness of the people inside.

finally, small technical note, you're not consistent with the way you introduce characters. sometimes you'll give us their names right away, but other times you'll wait until we learn their names. for example with bub, he's referred to as "dirty boy" at first until we learn his name. i'd just save time and space by referring to him by name from the get-go.

DarkElastic

03-27-2009, 08:46 AM

Hey Colan, I just read your script and enjoyed it.

Well, most of the points I would have made have been made. Your characters are great, everyone of them has something. Your structure is good and clear, which made it easy to read.
ReHov - The hair is a trinquet, or a reminder to him of his victims and he gives them to the creater of his problem, his mother after he has finally killed her for his past sufferings. Whether he changes, who knows... I like to think probably not, it will just morph into something else.

Overall, a great story and I totally agree with Lawrie, this is perverse, sexual violent... Clive barker every day. Well done. One of my favourites.

NJPage

03-27-2009, 09:41 AM

Hiya! I loved this one! Had to re-read and check - so Jack re-names his horse with the name of each last victim...???
This script kept me well involved right up to a well executed ending. Definately one of my favourites.

jamiejay

03-27-2009, 09:43 AM

He is just calling the horse after each victim as a twisted homage and you never sound like an idiot.
The twin dragging scene is also one of my favorite visuals.

Molly the saloon girls, what are the odds. hehe
You actually influenced the climax of the Sue plotline. In my last script I know you wanted the heroine to get out on her own and I thought that it would be perfect for Sue in this situation. Always appreciate your comments. Thanks.

i like that it is a homage rather than something supernatural... it still would have been interesting, but it would have been more confusing and it would have changed the entire character for me... i like that he is just a conflicted killer ;)

wow... i'm flattered you take my words so much to heart. i like sue's escape... very empowering to women :)

conlanforever

03-27-2009, 03:24 PM

REHov...Thanks for the compliments.
As far as the locks of hair, DarkElastic is correct they are trophies he has collected from all his victims.

The Last Stop Saloon was a last stop for some.

Yes he kills his Mother and really he has been killing her over and over. All his victims had dark hair just like his Mother. He just wanted it to end and returned to the origin of all his problems, a brothel run by his sexually abusive Mother.

Hope that helps clear it up. Its great that we get to discuss this stuff in the fests.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

DarkElastic.... First of all, don't call me Colan. heh heh

Seriously, I truly appreciate the compliments. I'm glad that you enjoyed it and it sounds like you got the points I was trying to make. Thanks for taking the time.

NJPage....Great to have you in the fest and thank you for the comments. I was hoping that the end would answer most of the questions raised throughout the script. I appreciate the kind words.

Jamie I thought you made some really good points in your critique and that when it came to deal with Sue, I thought it worked perfectly for her character.

Blaine

03-27-2009, 04:34 PM

Very nice read. The cast of characters in the saloon were all interesting and played their parts well. At first I was a bit put off thinking this was just another one of the horror/westerns but found this one much easier to "just go with it."

Of course I was wondering what Jack's quirk of nature was until he got in the bedroom with Molly. Imagine, a serial killer trying NOT to kill her. Ahh, but it was never meant to be.

Being raised in a brothel warped him and the act of killing the women was in fact him killing his mother. At this point in his life, the act of actually killing her probably won't be enough to put an end to it, though. I can see him wandering the west, continuing to kill, unable to fill an empty hole within himself.

This was a very fast read and pulled me through the story. I think you did a good job of defining the characters we needed to know about. Fine job with that.

I like that fact that he call the horse by the name of his last sexual victim.

If I had any criticisms, I would have liked to seen Jack a bit older, 30s, and a bit worn out by his world. After all, he seems to be returning to the scene of all that made him what he is. (I also wonder if the woman was really his mother or if he might have been born to one of her girls and she just raised him. Ah, but that's another story AND a reason for him to continue looking for her...)

From a merely technical point of view, I'd have liked to have you set the time of day at the small town, rather than just saying later since is it a major change of location. It would help when breaking the script down for production. EXT. SMALL TOWN - NIGHT
I would use the continuous for actions spanning action across disparate areas. Again, this is strictly from a script breakdown for construction standpoint. It might seen like a small thing for a short script, but when you get into longer scripts and trying to put together a production board, you want to know your night scenes from day scenes just like your interior from exteriors to make it easier to schedule. After you've set your time at your location, sure go ahead and say later to show a passage of time but try to help your UPM out wherever you can.

Serial killer stories have become overdone, what with all the movies and shows like Criminal Minds and Dexter, but I like the twist you put on it, setting it as a western.

Oh, did I say I liked it? Well, I did.

xxrotinivol2

03-28-2009, 12:54 AM

I didn't always "get" what was going on, and that didn't affect my enjoyment of the script. I liked reading it. It was very mysterious, fun, and the quirks of all the characters made me want to read what happened to them. Sure they could all be developed more, but this is a 10 page contest, and you threw a lot of characters out at us, and it worked. It reminded me of this book called "Geek Love" about a family circus of freaks. This was more on the side of supernatural, but it had its own flavor.

DIGRESSION ALERT!!! Something that's nice about these fests is that these are stories that you would not normally see in the theater. It's nice to know that people are still thinking up original things, and everyone isn't concentrated on making Die Hard 17: With More A Vengence and Faster and Furiouser. END OF DIGRESSION!!!! You created this original world, I could see it, it was a Western, and you made it work.

Everything is confusing at parts to me, but most of the stuff ends up making sense or is fine that I don't know every detial. The ending didn't make sense to me, and I think something earlier where he would say (about Lita and Rita), "I ain't touch girls like that. My mother did me wrong, ran a whorehouse." Then after, some mention of her being "well under ground." This would set the ending up better, and it makes more sense.

Still, great job on this original script. I enjoyed it.

Sarah Daly

03-28-2009, 04:04 AM

Wow - this is really different - in a good way.

This is an example of violence that isn't just for the sake of it but calculated, motivated and complex. There's so much going on here but because you handle all the various elements so expertly, I was never confused. I was constantly asking questions as I read but in the way you want your reader to ask questions.

This was one of those scripts where every new turn of events is a surprise - I was all set for Jack to be a good guy coming to clean up this freakshow, but, not so much! And I really like how you didn't paint him as simply bad. He's nice to Bub and to his horse. Somehow, despite him being a murderer, we like him. Or maybe that's just me and my penchant for bad boys :)

Either way, this was one of my favourites - a very original and memorable read.

Tim Joy

03-28-2009, 10:15 AM

Interesting concept. It's like total recall meets the west.

Well written and easy to read. A very good example of a gunfight written in a way that doesn't drag you down.

I'm not sure I understood the motivations of you main character, and the thing with his mother. This left me a little confused with the ending, and the whole story in general.

I thought since you spent some quality time building a character for the horse, it would've come in and saved him or something...

Very very well written, but I found it a little hard to connect with the story.

conlanforever

03-28-2009, 02:20 PM

Blaine....thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. I agree making him a bit older makes sense. I'm glad that you liked it.
Thank you for the technical advice as far as the sluglines, time of day. Very good info to have, I appreciate it.

xx...thanks for commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed the script regardless of a few things.
I whole heartedly agree with your digression...heh heh
I'm also glad to hear you felt it original. As far as the ending, I'm going to address that below.

Sarah...Wow...I appreciate the compliments. You got everything I was going for, which is good to hear. Ah...girls always go for the bad guy, lol.
Thank you for the kind words.

yeehaanow...thanks for taking the time to read and comment. The horse is really his only friend and I wanted to show how his actions reflect on the horse, when he re names it after each victim.

As far as the end, I thought that the end resolved questions about his motivation. Though I did leave it slightly open to interpetation. Some seem to have gotten and others not. I don't if there is a middle ground for me, because I don't want to hit people over the head with it.

Sarah Daly

03-28-2009, 07:23 PM

As far as the end, I thought that the end resolved questions about his motivation. Though I did leave it slightly open to interpetation. Some seem to have gotten and others not. I don't if there is a middle ground for me, because I don't want to hit people over the head with it.

And beat us over the head with it you did not! The realisations of the resolution trickled gently into my brain. I think you have just the right amount of exposition - I tend to tie things up too neatly and not leave any space for the audience to interpret events so I was very impressed at your subtlety, yet you did provide all the answers we needed, just not on a plate. As long as the correct interpretation is possible from the information you have provided, then you've done your job. I like that you left some gaps for my lazy brain to bridge! :)

seansshack

03-29-2009, 04:30 AM

Rock solid formatting and structure. Didn't see you slip up once and this script is a fine example of how scripts should read and be formatted.

Dialogue and characters were also top notch. No complaints or advice here.

Story was interesting. Nice and original and sucked me in from the opening till the end. I started expecting a standard western, but nice mix going on here.

Loads of nice touches and ideas. One of my favorites.

Well done.

Rustom Irani

03-29-2009, 08:24 AM

What an original, fascinating premise!!!

"Deadwood" meets "Carnivale" with a good measure of family drama to round it off.

I love the characters. Some of the best in my opinion in this contest.

I wish some of them wouldn't be mere props, the Giant, Coin...You set them up quite cleverly to dispatch them off in equally quick fashion.

Otherwise very surreal, memorable and excellently paced.

All the best.

MrKilloran

03-29-2009, 05:47 PM

Oh I love a freakshow! There are so many unique characters to enjoy here. AND THEN you get to enjoy them being utterly obliterated, wait ... that seems wrong somehow... oh well.

Original and enjoyable, nice little references to Beelzebub - who here is such a lovable little kid, probably unintentional but two other words came together and I laughed a little "Jack Knife" :grin:

I liked that Jack wasn't the squeaky clean hero, he's a mess and it works but his motivations were a little lost to me... was he going after the women that left his mother all by herself, so he's all f'd up in the head because of his mom?

Your script is mechanical or medical in its presentation. Always concise and there's a focused way of getting details across, structure and everything is solid.

lawriejaffa

03-29-2009, 06:03 PM

Yeah I liked that too - it worked because it dealt with all kinds of dark sexual themes - and psychological problems, and managed to express it both subtly, and then in contrast with extremity, yet it all fitted within this dark romantic theme.

A very very artistic piece that i think has to rank among the most original and exciting entries imo.

jasonthewho

03-30-2009, 06:46 AM

This was fantastic. I loved that you made Jack the Ripper the hero of your story.

I'd love to see this filmed. Unfortunately, its such a beast in terms of production requirements, I doubt I'll ever have the pleasure. If you can't get this produced, you should rework it into a short story and get it published.

Two minor things:

JACK (late 20s) wiry and tough as nails, rides CHARLOTTE, a
black mare,

I'd reverse that to

JACK (late 20s) wiry and tough as nails, rides a
black mare, CHARLOTTE
because dirty minded me read it a different way.

You always talk to yer horse.

I believe you want a question mark not a period.

Besides that, this is pretty perfect. Reads great, details are amazing, and the story is interesting. Nothing's on the nose, the dialogue is sharp, I could go on.

Excellent work.

conlanforever

03-30-2009, 08:30 AM

Sarah...thanks for stopping by again. You really got what I was going for and others did as well. While a few didn't quite get the end, I think at this point I'll probably leave it the way it is. I'd love for the story to connect completely with everyone, but I guess thats not always possible.

Sean...thanks for reading and commenting. I worked a lot on trying to make sure the format was tight, glad it didn't go unnoticed. Thanks again for the compliments.

Rustom...I appreciate the kind words.
Funny that you mention "Deadwood" after my wife read it, she commented that she instantly imagined Ian McShane as Cryus.
I agree about the Giant, Coin, I would've liked to flesh them out a bit more, but with the page requirements, I was actually focused more on cutting it down. But I had more in mind for Coin especially. Thanks again for taking the time.

MrK....thanks for the comments. Glad you got the references. You are correct, the Jack Knife thing was unintentional.
As far as Jack's motivations, he is a serial killer, he kills dark haired prostitutes and takes a lock of their hair as a trophy. This stems from growing up in a whorehouse that his Mother ran and also sexual abuse. I tried to show that she was a little too 'close' to him by her actions at the end, running her finger around his chest and wanting him to help with her hair. Hope that helps clear it up.

lawrie...wow! I truly appreciate the compliments.

Jason...Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Great compliment that you'ld like to see it on film,but , I think you're right as far as production goes, probably not going to happen. Actually thats something I need to think about and try to tone the budget down on my scripts or I'll never see a story produced.
I'm intrigued by the idea of turning it into a short story and I may explore that avenue.

Jason you nasty man. "rides CHARLOTTE" lol, if I change it, "rides a black mare" then LAWRIE will misread it the same way. hehe
Seriously, I think you're correct. Also that should've been a question mark.

Thanks for compliments. I appreciate it.

RodThompson

03-31-2009, 07:33 PM

This is by far the worst script of the fest...LMAO....Just kidding...

First, for the Bub and Oginali intros, give us there names when they're first introduced. Easier for the flow and you won't have to use the parenthesis to tell us a few lines later.

HOLY SHIT! A twisted, serial killer in the West theme. That is just gnarly! GNARLY! I love the weird, Total Recall-esque bar with all of the freaks and whores. And the way he named his horse fater the latest boad he disposed of was just an awesome way of showing the way some serial killers think. My only question, and God I hope not...did he nail his own mom before he killed her? I totally got the incest vibe from her, and I dig that he's killing whores because his mother is one. Very Norman Bates.

Killer story and awesome writing.

conlanforever

04-01-2009, 08:53 AM

Hey Rod...thanks for taking the time to review. Point taken on the Bub and Oginali intros.

Sweet! Thats the first GNARLY I've gotten in the fest. It sounds like you got everything I was going for. Hmmm...did he nail his Mom or didn't he? Sounds like you know the answer to that already, you just don't want to admit it. hehe

Thanks for the gnarly words, its appreciated!

leepback

04-02-2009, 02:58 PM

Short review here as I've read several last night in bed and some of them tend to run into each other.

I can recall that I really enjoyed the atmosphere at the last stop maybe a tad more than the actual overall plot. Cant put my finger on why it didn't totally win me over, feelings aren't always rational.

I didn't pick up on the horse name change or the fact his home used to be a brothel, but did pick up on the incest side of things. I had a bit of trouble with the action scene but that's me as I seem to do so with al these scripts. I think I'm confused was the giant's name coin? I was thinking they were two characters.

Perhaps I was tired. Good luck with the ratings.

conlanforever

04-05-2009, 05:21 PM

Leepback...thanks for taking the time to review. You're correct the Giant and Coin are two different characters. Hopefully you can make the next fest.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to read and review my script.

It seems there was a little divide, a few people didn't quite get what I was going for and some people got it all. I can't really figure a way to change it and keep the subtlety that many people liked about the script. I guess writing is subjective after all.

I appreciate everyone's critique, whether they got it all or none of it.

Good luck! See you in the next scriptfest! :beer:

arroway

04-08-2009, 01:05 AM

"Jack holds a piece of jerky out to Bub (dirty kid) and Oginali
(mutt). They eye it cautiously and then simultaneously snatch
it away and chew ravenously."

lol

nice.

"Cyrus spreads his arms in a dramatic flourish. All THREE of
them. A puny, pale arm sticks out from the left side of his
rib cage. The hand is a fleshy pincher."

???

is this western-themed total recall fan fiction?

"COIN (20s) a downtrodden young man enters from a back door,
he carries an AX, walks to the end of the bar and plants the
ax in the barrel top."

lol

nice intro.

the fight scene at the end was great. like watching an extra twisted brawl on jerry springer...this is definitely one of my favorite scripts of the fest.