"The Patch-up Kid"

[Rustom Irani]

Logline: Scavenging dead bodies and fixing people is all that the Patch-up Kid knew, but a cowboy in Nino Sangre has one more test for him.

I just couldn't resist joining up for a Western themed writing contest.

Time to resurrect the genre. :thumbup:

[conlanforever]

Sounds interesting. Looking forward to the ressurection.

[Chris_Keaton]

Hell, this one sounds intriguing in a very strange way. And that's a good thing.

[arroway]

i think the western genre might actually be headed for a resurrection... the coen brother's latest is a remake of "true grit" and there are a handful of other big western projects in the pipeline including a jonah hex adaptation (great script!) and a western/horror thing called "the burrowers".

[MrKilloran]

Strange. I like it.

[Rustom Irani]

i think the western genre might actually be headed for a resurrection... the coen brother's latest is a remake of "true grit" and there are a handful of other big western projects in the pipeline including a jonah hex adaptation (great script!) and a western/horror thing called "the burrowers".

I think this was mentioned in the announcement thread as well. "The Proposition" set in the Australian outback was a fantastic Western with some brilliant actors to boot.

Ron Howard's "The Missing" was again fun and had its moments.

I'd say "Ravenous" was a Horror/Western :) and is one of my favorite movies.

3:10 To Yuma disappointed me a bit and wasn't up to par with the original.

Loved "Appaloosa" but it was more drama than a true blue western.

"Three Burials Of Meliquiades Estrada" is on my must see list and seems like a modern western.

With their acute sense of pacing the genre should come naturally to the Coens. Hope it turns out great.

If "The Burrowers" is anywhere close to "Tremors" (Which I feel is a Western, with the creatures harassing the townsfolk) then it should be AWESOME!!!

In the meantime these entries should be a lot of fun to read and enjoy the genre.

[jamiejay]

i'm intrigued! can't wait to read it! :)

[Rustom Irani]

i'm intrigued! can't wait to read it! :)


I'm intrigued by what the reactions are gonna be. :)

[conlanforever]

I'm a big fan of "Ravenous". I didn't realize the Coen Bros. were making a western, thats definitely something I want to see.

[Rustom Irani]

Guy Pearce starred in both, "Ravenous" and "The Proposition." Quite good in both of 'em.

And the setting for both films is extraordinary.

[nouou]

@rustom irani

i liked most of this script.

i like the character fingers, and how he barely talks. he was the most interesting to me. i giggled a bit when he started humming to himself as he digs for the slug.

sometimes i was confused as to where characters were. when we enter the house, you never describe characters positions or where they move to. the first and only thing we see is 'Framed within the kitchen doorway are DAWSON'. also, a description of the room would've helped as the room itself seemed to play an important role because the men outside busted in, making it significant.

overall, i think this script is pretty good, keep it up.

[TimCollins]

Well, this was a unique yet strange story. Very original.

I enjoyed the humor interspersed throughout. Also liked the confidence the Patch-up Kid had for being only 12 years old but I suppose, doing what he does, it would be pretty necessary.

The fingers character was entertaining, too. And as nouou mentioned, he doesn't talk that much and I think that adds to his subtle charm - you get a feel of what he's like through his actions.

Props for the originality and the humor. T'was a fun read.

[lawriejaffa]

Yep I think this is an excellent script and of the type that may be a little underrated in this festival (it is a bleak child ordained drama of brutal survival!) There is no Slumdog Millionaire happy ending for the leader of these children.

So the characterisation was good, the Patch up kid was mature - but perhaps too mature in his dialogue with Dawson? Maybe not of course, its all in the performance too, but i could have interchanged his lines with an older chap and they could have fitted perhasp too snuggly!

The premise is fascinating and the details of the lead are memorable. So is his backstory. Do you remember that Dustin Hoffman movie where he plays a 'half-breed' underdog - it reminded me a tiny bit of a modern version of that (of course its your story!)

The hunting of gold teeth - was gritty and realistic, the kids nicknames were great. In all i would say this is a mature tale that might split some people for its subject matter and style (its not glamorous - or cool) its bleak and gritty (with nothing romantic or gothic about it ) almost a native american social realism! Woop woop party! hehe but i appreciate it well done my friend. (Its good imo regardless where it polls) and would make a great feature.

[NJPage]

Hi there, Rustom Irani.
Excellent - concise - well written - unique - THE WORKS!
Technically it was good, which was important because it allowed the story to impact with the reader without distraction.
I loved this script on 1st read through, my favourite then and still is - it'll be full marks from me on this one.
Why aren't you getting more feedback?
Please give out some of your own 'cause your script deserves a higher profile.
All the best!

[DarkElastic]

Hi Rustom, I've just read your script and enjoyed the read, thanks.

Firstly, where did this come from? I loved it. It was gritty it was bleak, you had these orphan like children preying upon the bodies of other humans, who rob them blind...
But, this isn't a new idea at all... This has happened in real life after every major battle of the past in the UK. You would get adults in there as well though, scavenging.
Your characters were really well developed and I did like the ending, even though it was totally depressing.
I agree that you could have explained where people were a little better as I couldn't picture it from your descriptions that well.

Overall, a very good script. Well done.

[Rustom Irani]

Wow!!!

Okay, honestly, I like to actually keep a low profile and let my work do the talking for me till the voting period is over. Hard habit to break. Then I will of course discuss my script and the ideas behind it.

Most of you have liked the fact that the story is gritty and realistic.

Thank you!

As you know the real West was kinda like that, gunfights where the townsfolk scurried to the nearest Church or hill, no doctors or medicinal practices to speak of, and I for the life of me don't know what little kids did to while away their time.

I jokingly pitch this as "A Christmas Story" meets "City Of God" in the Wild West.

Though I love Westerns and am a huge fan I really don't like to tread on the tried and tested areas of the genre.

Leone is a big influence, his characters with shades of gray and settings with sunshine that'd burn your retinas off. I like to get right into each moment as far as pacing is concerned.

I feel I might have spoken a lot and touted the overused wind instrument a tad too much.

Sorry!

I do plan to review over the weekend as I love the genre to death. Pun fully intended.

Thanks for all the input and votes.

[conlanforever]

Down and dirty. Really liked this one. The writing was top notch, its paced nicely and kept my interest throughout.

The kids and their nicknames were great. The Patch up Kid seemed too mature for his age, judging by his dialogue, but then again, after all he's been through he's probably more mature than your average 12 year old. That said I still thought the dialogue sounded natural.

Really good original script, well done!

[NJPage]

Hi Rustom! Glad you are picking up those positive reviews!

[Rustom Irani]

NJ,

Will you be my agent? :)

Thanks for the kind words, again.

I'll take any reviews + or - but those that are first and foremost, constructive.

[Tim Joy]

You definitely made me cringe, and that was good, because the writing and descriptions are very clear and visual, with just enough to paint the picture. ( I have a bit of a weak stomach)

I liked your characters a lot. Each one had his own voice that indicated who he was through natural-feeling dialog. I was fully engaged throughout, but I think I was waiting for something bigger to happen. I don't know what I mean by this exactly, but I thought this was a great "slice of time" rather than being a "big" short. On the positive side, you left me wanting more, on the negative side... I wanted more. I guess I'm just greedy :) I could easily see this as part of a larger piece, and I think it would work well to Sell the larger piece too.

Excellent writing, and a unique story and characters. THANKS!

[Chris_Keaton]

I don't really know what makes me really like this piece. I think it's the feel, the whole underlying bleakness of it. I just loved it. One of my favs!

[Blaine]

Very good script! A lot of things to like in here. I loved the names you gave your characters. It thought you did a great job of drawing those characters so we could really "see" them. This was a very visual script and with some of the CG experts we have on this site, I could easily see this as an entry on some future DVXUser Film Fest. The story certainly could be told in the six minute time frame and it is a complete story with the requisite beginning-middle-end.

About the only complaint I had with it is The Patch-up Kid's dialogue. It sounded a bit too adult for him, even considering that he's been forced to grow up fast. There's a difference between sounding worldly for his age and sounding adult for his age.

THE PATCH-UP KID
I’ll let you keep the stakes even. I’ve another friend who can come in and help fix you up. The grammar and phrasing of this bit of dialogue seems a bit mature and correct, compared to most of his other speech. Contrast it to this bit:

THE PATCH-UP KID
I wouldn’t. This here whiskey could be poisoned too. Let me give him a
swallow and you can plug us both dead or I your gut.
The only other thing would be the use of the term "haulin' ass." This seems a bit contemporary. Not sure I've heard it used in a piece of that time period.

But those are pretty minor things in what is a very tight and compelling story. I love the fact that this is such a rich yet economical script (6 pages). I also thought you nailed the ending. Kudos, great script.

[Mark C]

There is a balance and symmetry to this story that is brilliant! It's starts off with the Patch Up Kid pulling a gold tooth and ends the same way. That type of script, especially in short form, is really great because it leaves an audience feeling satisfied. It just feels complete. The writing was incredible and if you haven't figured it out yet, I really liked this entry. Super Job!

[MrKilloran]

Its gritty and real, not lofty in its scope you kept it grounded and that works in your favor.

Some great characters and having your kids act grown-up due to their harsh surroundings can be tough to convey but you did an excellent job. PUK's dialogue might be too adult but its not that distracting. Great pacing and structure.

Favorite part was when he healed up the wound using gunpowder. Good work

[jamiejay]

definitely in my top. i loved it.

it's so unique and twisted. the opening scene really grabbed my attention and the kids' characters were fantastic. i would have liked to seen more of squeak and mule.

i do agree about the dialogue being possibly too old for him, but, then... a seven year old is humming while digging a bullet out of a man's gut with his fingers... lol. i also agree with blaine about "hauling ass" not seeming to fit with the time period.

still... it rocked. :beer:

[leepback]

One of the best - well done.

Very different to the majority and hence sticks with you while many of the others have rolled into one.

I think you'll do well in the voting.

[Rustom Irani]

I really appreciate all the feedback and comments guys. Thank you.

[arroway]

great first shot. great opening scene. probably the best opener of the fest.

“THE PATCH-UP KID
The folks of this town aren’t known
to take too kindly to survivors
haulin’ ass after a gunfight. The
way your guts leakin’, riding a
horse will lead you straight to a
lynch mob itching for some outlaw
to hang. We have a burro you can
borrow but I have to fix Mule
first, he being the only one can
handle the damn animal and all.”

does not sound to me like the way any twelve year old would talk…

“THE PATCH-UP KID
Easy boy. Easy does it.”

A twelve year old is calling a fourteen year old a “boy”?

“THE PATCH-UP KID
Mama told me a grizzly did it. All
I remember is my paw peelin’ my
face off with a knife to find out
if I was white underneath.”

Helluva line. Good job.


“THE PATCH-UP KID
I counted three gold teeth while he
was gabbin’.”

lol

a lot of good lines in this...

this was great. i loved it. although i wish it had a "bigger" ending. it would be cool if you did kind a play on "a fistful of dollars" where the kids incite a huge battle, expertly manufacturing the tension, playing both sides against each other so as to leave more bodies for rooting.

[Rustom Irani]

The "doesn't seem to me that a twelve year old would talk in this manner/use such words or line" seems to be the general consensus. :)

My main influence for this was "City Of God", kids can pick up mature lingo pretty quick and use it effectively, in my opinion, perhaps not in that period. Ah well! He's memorable though.

As for calling the 14 year old "boy", just going for a bit of character development and subtext.

Mule is 14, muscular and huge. Probably a bit slow witted, only muscle. Like an animal, hence his name. How would you console an injured lummox of a beast? I had Patch-up call him "boy" in that context. Also, shows Patch-up is good at healing folks and reassuring them.


In a short the big ending wouldn't really work for my taste. But it's a great suggestion for expanding this story.

Thanks!!!

[Bridget D.]

Great script. I just don't think about kids when I think of westerns, so this script was just a pleasant surprise. Very original, interesting characters. I can't wait to read your next script for the next fest.

[Sarah Daly]

I loved this Rustom - original, vibrant, bleak - I definitely see the City of God thing and personally, I don't have a problem with a 12 year old speaking like that considering what he's been through - he is the leader of the gang and must act as such.

There's a great tragedy to this - and it's a universal story that just happens to be a western rather than a western that just happens to have a story - if that makes sense?? These could be any kids in a bleak time/circumstance.

You have a wonderful way with words and a talent for storytelling - excellent job!

[Rustom Irani]

Thank you, Bridget and Sarah, appreciate all the kind words and the votes that placed this script second.

"The Patch-up Kid" is one of my personal favorites of the short scripts I've written and it is really promising when an audience responds to the characters and setting you create.

The Western genre has a lot of potential as far as plot is concerned and I hope it garners more appeal as the Superheros fight, Robots go boom and souped up cars burn rubber on the big screen.

Till next time...

[Rustom Irani]

Here's some interesting facts about "The Patch-up Kid:

- I was originally gonna write this as a novel with this central character.

- The Patch-up Kid is never referred to by name and it's never mentioned. My Homage to Leone.

- Patch-up and Dawson are the only characters who speak. Many reviewers feel that the other characters speak, but they don't.

- I wrote a short Western prequel, a story entirely in reverse with Dawson as a young kid in that one avenging his family's death. It's called "The Baptism Of Dawson Parish"

And that's pretty much it, really. :)

[lawriejaffa]

Hey Rustom glad your script did so well - proves that some people do vote with some degree of intellect :P

Excellent project - keep up its development becasue it is new - and would be great to see onscreen (or more ambitiously in novel form :)!

[Rustom Irani]

Let's just say the novel is never gonna happen. :)

I'm too conditioned as a script-writer now.

Feature length perhaps. Who knows?

As for people with intellect...I thought you were gonna send the winner an accessory of their choice from that Western Themed costume you wore.

Dibs on the hat!!!

[lawriejaffa]

Well actually you won the buffalo skinned thong I was wearing that day - but don't worry its in the post!

[Rustom Irani]

Are you a celebrity in Scotland?

Coz' that thing is going straight to ebay.

[Matias Caruso]

Congrats on placing, my friend. :)

[Rustom Irani]

Hey! Thanks Matias. Means a lot, pal.

Umm...is "he who shall not be named" a member here, as well? Coz' this is like krypton man, I'm powerless here. :)

[Matias Caruso]

I've never sin *him* around here. But beware. He might show up. :)

[MrKilloran]

- The Patch-up Kid is never referred to by name and it's never mentioned. My Homage to Leone.

Love that, :thumbsup:

Congratulations on placing, you made some great work, I'm all for you trying to develop this into a film form, it would look great on screen.

[Rustom Irani]

Thank you MrKilloran!

Let's hope there are more fans for the character to make it to the screen. :)

[EVH]

Say my name.
Loud and proud, beyotches.

So I heard someone here was recognized for a "Patchwork" something or a "West-up Kid." Something something?

I hope it was like Slumdog Millionaire.
That film had heart.