Copperhead

[NJPage]

Hi! My tale involves the Serpent Handlers of the Appalachians... and some BAAAAAD family history.

[TimCollins]

Snakes... great idea:thumbup:

[arroway]

very intrigued by this concept as i was considering writing my entry about a snake handling church in the old west...

can't wait to read it!

[conlanforever]

Sounds like an interesting mix.

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there - yeah this will be interesting ;) and ooh wonder when their online!?

[NJPage]

Hi Tim, thanks for the thumbsup on snakes - all this a bit new to me - script writing AND forums that is!!! Good Luck

Hi Arroway... perhaps I should have left the ol' serpent handling to you! I'm sat here in bonnie Scotland where we fight our battles out using live haggis... Good Luck

Hi Conlan... this will be my first (and possibly last) script... he-he... that is called a 'gallows laugh' by the way! Good Luck

[DarkElastic]

Hi NJPage, glad you got your script in and I hope you kept your script away from the prying Scottish eyes of your youth!!!

[jamiejay]

looking forward to reading your script... snakes are always cool. ;)

[DarkElastic]

I enjoyed your script NJPage.

I thought your dialogue was very well written and the script as a whole is very well written. I had to read it twice to read gage who everyone was, but it was a good story, spreading across ten years, with some good characters. The snakes kick arse!
I suppose my only critism would be that it doesn't feel very western, just the small part between Raef and Willard.

Overall, it was a good script. Well done.

[krestofre]

Very unique story. I certainly never expected anything like this from the fest, but the way people use the theme of the fest to tell their own tales is something I really like about these competitions.

In the spirit of all of us trying to improve our craft, your sluglines need some work. Example:


EXT. TUMBLEWEED SKITTERS ACROSS A DUSTY PLAIN - DAY (1955)
should be something like


EXT. DUSTY PLAIN - DAY (1955)

A tumbleweek skitters across the ground.


It seems to me you're mixing action with slug.

There are also some extraneous detail in the script that bogs it down a little. One example: On the second page you wrote:


There is a tangible smell of sweat in the room

Whereas it's nice prose, this really doesn't add anything to a script. The audience watching the movie isn't going to be able to smell anything other than popcorn. As a result it kind of muddles the script, albeit subtly. Removing extra stuff like this makes for a tighter script and easier to read.

[lawriejaffa]

Well here is my feedback!

I thought this was a very interesting dramatic narrative with a lot of depth and a fascinatintg subject matter. Snakes are themselves fascinating and so are the religious practices of those Christians (with a particular association to the West too Imagine.)

The tension is palpable during the snake service and it retains a creepy atmosphere (with our snake loving expert Raef.)

My only criticism would be that I sometimes got a little confused over the revenge of the sons and fathers, and wonder perhaps if that could be made clearer?

In any regards a bold debut as I understand this is your very first short film script!

[Sarah Daly]

Wow - is this really your first script? That's both incredibly impressive and terriblly depressing; there's no hope for me!

So, yes I really liked this. The writing is fantastic - you set a sinister tone with your clever naming and attention to detail. The snake is a great device, reinforces your theme and adds a palpable sense of danger.

The story is dark and epic but handled confidently and with great style.

One niggle, although it may just be me...but I didn't quite get the war back story? Then, I have had a very long day of mind draining work so that's probably more of a reflection on me than you. Didn't stop me enjoying this very much though!

Great effort! If this is your first script I can't wait to see what you do next :)

[NJPage]

Sarah, thanks for the feed-back! Yes, this is the first time I've written a script ever and am trying to get the hang of Final Draft software . Was talked into entering by my son -'Mother', he said, 'enter!' So I did. I' m an ol' fashioned gal (60 next year) and more into writing wee cosy short stories he-he... But - now bitten by the scabby script snake - I fear I'll turn into the script writing... Mummy from HELL!!!
ps. ...also very slow at typing... yawn... only got through about one third feedbacks yet...

[Sarah Daly]

Well good on you dear! You're a natural! Ah - short stories - that explains the lovely language! There's a tendency when people move to scriptwriting from prose to over-describe things, but you've obviously thought about the medium and adapted wonderfully!

I'll have to persuade my mother to get on the bandwagon too so to speak :) She's 60 next year too oddly enough!

Anyway yes, keep up the good scripting!!! :)

[conlanforever]

Hey NJ...You kept me glued to the page throughout. Its obvious that you are a very good writer. You're descriptions are done very well.

There were some minor technical issues with the slugs. But krestofre addressed this for the most part. One more note. When writing a slug, after EXT./INT. is the location, listed from general to specific and then after that the time.

Remember that you have to be able to show what is going on, thats part of the fun challenge of screen writing. Like this, a great piece of writing.


Brother Garth feels a terror out-with the norm in his
previous experience of snake-handlers. His thoughts fall
back to the memory of that day, before the shells burst
around them. He and Hayward had clung to each other in fear
before the end of that day... made up surely, although
later going their separate ways. So, why was piss running
down his leg now in a steady stream - he couldn’t stop
it... couldn’t even try.


I was captivated by your writing, but for a script it doesn't really work. Because you're writing for a visual medium and there is no way to show this on film (except for the piss and that might be enough to get the point across)
Unless it was a flashback.

I hope this is not taken negatively, because I really did enjoy the story.
Great first effort!

[NJPage]

Conlan - thanks! And no, nothing you - or any of you people of the Forum for that matter, have to say will be taken negatively... and if I change my mind about this , I have kept a stash of chocolate in my desk drawer just in case... yum...

[chris f]

NJPage,

The good: Enjoyed the description of the church service and could feel the tension in the room when the pastors were going to handle the snakes, I was genuinely interested in what was going to happen next.

The constructive criticism: I'll echo the reminder of only writing what can be seen on screen. Also, I was confused at times regarding who was who, who did what, and why each person was out to kill the other. I imagine it makes perfect sense in your mind, but I think the script would benefit from either clearer descriptions or less character/time jumps. Also, I don't quite understand why the kid was so attracted to snakes.

[Tormod]

I also was a bit confused at points, but I`ll read it again before I vote! But yeah you have to write what we see, but for a first script this understandable!
I love the church scene. I really picture the whole scene in my head and that is through your great writing!

A really good first try and I`ll get back to you after I`ve read it again! ;)

[TimCollins]

This was enjoyable and definitely unique!

It started off a tad bit confusing for me at points. I was kinda wondering where it was going from the plains, to the war flashback, to the church. But it definitely came together for me in the end especially when the dialogue between Raef and Willard started on page 4.

The story certainly had depth which was great and fun to read. I was looking forward to a story with snakes and you certainly provided that!

Just a couple of minor details... I noticed a couple of things like this...


WILLARD (PUZZLED)
I don’t understand Raef... you
were there, you saw... (PANICS)
Why you pulling a gun...?I think it would flow better for the parentheses to be under the character names rather than next to them. I'm not sure if it's an either/or thing but that's what I've seen in the past.

Other than that (and the minor slugline issues) your writing was great! Can't believe that's your first screenplay - impressive. (You should see my first screenplay - HORRENDOUS!) You must have done some other types of writing before?

Oh and also, just a minor, minor detail... you could have benefited from a title page!

Overall it was an enjoyable story and you did a good job!

[Blaine]

You're a writer. And for a first script, this is pretty good. I had no problem following what was happening and if was nice seeing a somewhat contemporary western.

I'll probably be reiterating what others have said but here it is anyway.

Looks like you're using Final Draft, so when you do your direction (i.e. PUZZLED) use the parenthetical and it will place it in parentheses below the character's name. The same would be true for parentheticals within the dialogue.

Show, don't tell. Screenwriting is for a visual medium. Anything that can't be shown on the screen doesn't belong in the screenplay. We can't see what a character is thinking or feeling unless you show it to us through his action(s).

I thought there was quite a bit of exposition in the dialogue between Raef and Willard. Again, this felt like you were telling us the story rather than showing it. That's one of the biggest differences between the short story and short screenplay. The screenplay is entirely dependent upon what we can see. The dialogue in the final scene got to feeling like talking heads because of the length of the chunks of dialogue and again the exposition.

I don't know if you read the dialogue aloud after you've written it or not, but if you do you'll be able to determine what seems too long or not. Your dialogue tends to feel more novelistic. Better yet, if you can get someone you feel comfortable with to read it with you can get a better feel for the flow of the dialogue.

I think you'll adapt quickly to the screenplay format. You certainly have writing skills, now it's just a matter of learning the differences required by the arena you're writing in.

Good job.

[NJPage]

Tim - thanks for all the advice - and the obvious - so obvious that I forgot about it - putting in a title page... duh!

Blaine, thankyou so much too, spending time to feedback on this ole 'newby'. Yip, I do enjoy writing the odd short story, and I've written a wee novel, 'who-dun-it' - crime mystery my pleasure. The script writing - well this is my first ever script and had no idea even what a slugline was (TRUE!)

Thanks to everybody's feedback.

[Mark C]

Ahhh Snakes! This was a great use of probably one of the most fascinating and feared creatures on the planet. It's really genius to use them as a sort of weapon and I think it fits well in the western genre. I had to sort of back up a few times to make sure I was following the characters and action correctly but I have a feeling that the whole thing would play out well as a film. I'm just glad I didn't read this one before I went to bed!

[NJPage]

Mark C - thanks for the feedback on my script. Being Scottish, I had to research on US snakes (God bless Google!) - that's where I found the Copperhead, a pit viper found in and around the Appalachians.
Can I just say, scanning once more through your script, I think 'Joe' has one of the more entertaining storylines in the Fest. You weren't scared (or maybe you were... but went ahead anyway) to depart from the traditional shootout. Imagination is as important as the techs. Yip. Good luck!

[Rustom Irani]

Your opening slug made me smile. Though an apt description for a Western, I'd much prefer Dusty Plain as it makes for a more arresting image of setting.

Now the make of the revolver in parentheses. Why? Here's the thing about description: If you write it down I feel it'll be shown.

I imagine, a totally zoom across barrel of gun, kinda shot with the makers name prominent.

This opening would be so powerful and punchy with curt sentences. It's all about pacing.

You can have FLASHBACK after the slug if you don't intend to Super Title 10 YEARS AGO.

"Tonight he has promised to prove faith by the handling of serpents."

Your dialogs and his actions are gonna clue us in. So no worries. Lose this info.

This bit is a totally different scene:

"Brother Garth feels a terror out-with the norm in his
previous experience of snake-handlers. His thoughts fall
back to the memory of that day, before the shells burst
around them. He and Hayward had clung to each other in fear
before the end of that day... made up surely, although
later going their separate ways. So, why was piss running
down his leg now in a steady stream - he couldn’t stop
it... couldn’t even try."

So write it as one.

You have a novelists mind set right now. While your descriptions are poetic and beautiful, in a screenplay it does you harm as the audience will not feel these emotions you describe unless the actors perform their actions and say the dialog's as you worded them.

I know it's tough, but you have to find a balance. This is leaning away a bit.

Anyway, back to story. The last scene has the most dreaded aspect of screen-writing. Dialog exposition.

It's when characters explain what has happened and what's gonna happen. Avoid this at all costs.

It doesn't help that you explain who they are in the description.

But this was pretty good dialog and a great situation. The whole script could have essentially been this face off.

Love your characters and their backstory and RAEF as a snake handler is original, brilliant and awesomely cool.

The dads only confused me. They make for good backstory but if you aren't going to expand this, then they take up breathing space.

My advice? Pace the shoot-out and trim the fat. Just add the Church sequence and inter-cut it with the faceoff and show Willard in those scenes.

I hope I haven't offended you sounding all uppity with my advise. But hey! You haven't read the manure that was my early writing. Man you are light years beyond that.

Spit, polish, work on trimming. A LOT! Always show and don't tell. Let visuals and audio do the talking. No describing emotions, no backstory info in dialog and no exposition.

You have a great sense of character and structure to write a script. That's the hard part all covered.

All the best and thanks for the extremely generous views on "The Patch-up Kid".

[NJPage]

Thanks Rustom for the advice - and explained in a way that I can understand. This first script has been a huge learning experience for me. Before going on to write another script, I'll be making corrections to Copperhead. This is such fun... SERIOUS fun, hehe.

[conlanforever]

Hey NJPage....just re-reading some entries. Script format aside, you're writing is really good. What really stood out for me on a second read through was the dialogue, something I've struggled with. But your dialogue is very natural and authentic sounding.
Can't say enough, what a good first effort this is.

[MrKilloran]

I've got nothing really to add that hasn't been said.

Decent, new story, that needs to be tightened up. Trim the action blocks down, a lot, give yourself a little breathing room. Also work on not having too much exposition, the entire ending for instance is one big explanation, show rather than tell it brings more immediacy to the scene.

Keep it up!

[seansshack]

Apologies if I'm repeating what others might have said here as I didn't have time to read through what was discussed:

First off - put in a title page. Throws the viewer and fellow writers/reviewers will just harp on about it.

If you need to show the year - put it in as an on screen. Remember the viewer won't won't see whats in the slug:

ON SCREEN: 1955....

Same with 10 years previous etc.

Split up action in shots/paragraphs like this:

Three US soldiers form a rear guard, preparing to advance
on the enemy. Then, SOLDIER ONE, eyes stark with sudden
terror, breaks from the platoon and retreats in panic,
scrambling and scrabbling his way up a muddy bank (slope).

into

Three US soldiers form a rear guard and advance
on the enemy.

SOLDIER ONE, eyes stark with sudden
terror, breaks from the platoon and retreats in panic.

He scrambles his way up a muddy bank.

Try an avoid passive wording such as scrambling (ing's) and change to scrambles (active rather than passive).

Place parenthetical on separate lines (Laughs) in dialogue + under character names. (SEETHING AND SOBBING)

Some of the dialogue is a bit long winded in places. Try to say more with less where possible + I would avoid trying to write accents (but more a matter of style).

Enjoyed the story and have no real pointers on that.

Just reading a couple of comments below this a I type and noticed someone commented this to be your first script. If so. Bravo to you. Great start.

[preston]

notes as i read:

"EXT. TUMBLEWEED SKITTERS ACROSS A DUSTY PLAIN - DAY (1955)" - you've mixed description/action into your scene heading. easy fix...

how is the bullet's caliber going to translate to film?

wait, 1955, now a flashback 10 years to WWII... not a typical western. let's see where this goes.

dialog's a little choppy, not too bad.

oh man, now the war is over and we're in a log cabin. so far this story is going a lot of places...

your description of the church is a little book-ish, with things like: "There is a tangible smell of sweat in the room, indistinguishable from fear." - consider ways to SHOW this, instead of TELLING it.

so far, page 3 is a bit rough with a lot of separate action happening all at once. breaking it would help this.

lots of book-ish writing on pg. 3... very rough going.

oooh, a snakebite to the neck! pg. 4 is starting off good.

gotta find a way to show us their childhood friendship - after all, this is writing for film. you get the idea though; i won't keep repeating this.

------

ok, this story kind-of derailed for me at the end. honestly, i got lost with what was happening, and the snake in the tree just came out of nowhere (no pun intended). maybe with some re-writing you can improve on this interesting idea. :)

[NJPage]

Hi Preston - thanks for the feedback, and yeh, all true - except the 'choppy dialogue' bit, disagree on that. As you rightly say, p. 3 bookish and that's because I write short stories / and mystery novels. Yip - this is my first script ever and lots to learn - Blaine had to explain to me what a 'slugline' was - but appreciating all the scorn (ADVICE) being heaped upon my head! hehe...

[jamiejay]

pretty much everything has been covered.

i can tell you are a writer. good description ;)

blaine had it right when he said show and not tell. that's the difference between script writing and, say, short story writing. sometimes i felt more like i was reading a book.

also, i will have to re-read it, but i don't understand how willard's dad ruined raef's life.

i'm interested to see what you come up with next time. :)

[NJPage]

Hi Jamiejay! Thanks for the feedback.
Now... Willard's Dad was the soldier who shot the deserter in the WW2 scene, and Raef's Dad was the soldier who tried to talk the deserter into coming back... yeh?
Both Dad's were 'religious'... (snake handling sect connection -Appalachians) and Raef's Dad never got over the fact that one of his Sect/brothers killed the deserter soldier without mercy - it was like a big guilt trip, ruined his life.
Good luck!

[jamiejay]

thanks for responding.

i understood that's what you intended... but i guess i just don't get how that would have ruined the son's life...

good luck to you as well :)

[Bridget D.]

Since I am so late in getting through all the scripts, I don't have anything to comment that hasn't already been said. Besides, I am also a "newby" and couldn't really give any great advice anyway! Just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed reading your script - the snake handling in the church service scene was definitely a favorite. I used to live in East Tennessee and every now and then you would hear about someone dying trying to handle snakes. Great job on your first script!