End of the Line

[MrKilloran]

REALLY LAST MINUTE!



Logline: An outlaw pulls a train heist and with $600,000 on the line the law's not gonna make it easy.

I'm going to sleep now. :beer:

[seansshack]

Well done!

[TimCollins]

Welcome to the fest! Sounds like a good read...

[conlanforever]

Glad to see you made in MrK. Looking forward to the read.

[lawriejaffa]

Yeah more the merrier!

[jamiejay]

mine was last minute too... glad you made it! looking forward to reading... :)

jamie

[Kmaia]

Looking forward to it.....greatly!

[DarkElastic]

Just read your script MrK,

I enjoyed it, it was a good battle for the loot. The constant O'Mally on every line of your action was slightly annoying and unnecessary. But that is just structure, the story is fine and there are some good characters in there, especially your two lead - O'Mally and Pike. The flashback was good and switched the tables very well and I liked the final statement from O'Mally.

Overall an enjoyable script. Good work.

[lawriejaffa]

Bang BANG BANG pow pow ! Lots of action here - and indeed lots of of O'Mally!

O'Mally takes a dump, O'Mally shoots deputy#3b and so on!

The starting premise had me really going - I could almost see Lee Van Cliff as the Captain! I think where it struggles is that you can only push a singular fight so far in a short script (it doesnt absolve one of having to have a larger point / twist/ story) you know to make a short stand out. For much like a poem - its smallness inscreases expectation, and genre is no salve to escape that responsibility.

Now in this script we do have a revenge backstory so that is the meat on the bone to this but its slightly clumsy in its implementation and feels a little tacked on at the end. Perhaps if that narrative thread could run througout a little more - then we could simply see it come to 'fruition' at the end. This has served Sergio Leonne well enough!

I think with editing, and more narrative depth this story could work! However (and im guilty of this as anyone) we are writing shorts outwith realistic production possibilities. I mean mine has some grand scenes (but its floating as a possible micro feature) - for this the chewed up luxury train carriages etc? Are we writing the 'impossible to produce?' at least for the world of shorts?

Anyway my friend this is a far superior script (I hope you dont mind this comparison) and its just imo than the film you entered in Lossfest. Let's just get further under the skin of these characters!

[Blaine]

Quite a battle you had going there. This is so much more than I expected after having watched you shorts in the fests.

Lot of high concept explosions and train derailment going on here. Probably a bit much for a short to get produced unless you do the majority of it CGI. It certainly had its moments of excitement.

Now to the writing. You don't have to put a space between each sentence. I think if you had put sentences together (like I'm doing here) you might have noticed HOW MANY TIMES YOU TYPED O'MALLY! "He" works well, too, when you've just set him up in the previous sentence.

You did a good job of making us dislike Pike, but on the other hand you didn't really make me like O'Mally so there were a lot of people here I didn't really care about. Then there's Pancho. I couldn't get the image of a Mexican Bandito out of my mind as I was reading it.

Why was Pike hanging the kid? His mother was a pretty amazing shot, shooting the noose. I think it might have worked better if Pike had hung the mother with young O'Mally looking on. I just find it hard to accept him hanging a ten year-old boy without knowing more about him and that just wasn't going to happen considering the length of the script.

This reads like an early draft. I think it would benefit by rewrites.

Good job.

[krestofre]

Does this meet the requirements? I couldn't find the gunfight.

Kidding. :)

Certainly the most action packed script I've read in the fest, and it works well. From the technical perspective I think Blaine has it right.

The only scene that really got to me was when the Bandit tried to have his way with the female passenger IN THE MIDDLE OF A GUNFIGHT! Even for a low-life Bandit trying to snag a good time while bullets are sailing overhead didn't strike me as logical. I think that you were trying to give O'Mally more humanity, but the scene plays a little off in my opinion.

Otherwise, a very enjoyable read. Thanks for writing!

[NJPage]

Well - you certainly won't be getting any of the ol' technical advice from me, shucks.
Enjoyed the ride...sorry...read. A bit too rootin' tootin' for my personal tastes, but I feel you fulfilled the remit of the fest. I wrote in my notes - v. good read - loved the end dialogue... 'everybody dies...' yip, well done...

[MrKilloran]

Ok,


The constant O'Mally on every line of your action was slightly annoying and unnecessary.


Bang BANG BANG pow pow ! Lots of action here - and indeed lots of of O'Mally!

O'Mally takes a dump, O'Mally shoots deputy#3b and so on!


to the writing. You don't have to put a space between each sentence. I think if you had put sentences together (like I'm doing here) you might have noticed HOW MANY TIMES YOU TYPED O'MALLY! "He" works well, too, when you've just set him up in the previous sentence.

Sorry about that everyone. I do realize how annoying that is. I was breaking the sentences up as if each was a different shot but the constant use of O'Mally is wow, yeah, my bad. I'm ashamed. :undecided

Edit: O'Mally takes a dumb though, thats priceless Lawrie.

DarkElastic - Glad you liked it.

Lawrie -

The starting premise had me really going - I could almost see Lee Van Cliff as the Captain!

:thumbsup: if only, that's one of the coolest and biggest compliments you could say to me!


Now in this script we do have a revenge backstory so that is the meat on the bone to this but its slightly clumsy in its implementation and feels a little tacked on at the end. Perhaps if that narrative thread could run througout a little more - then we could simply see it come to 'fruition' at the end. This has served Sergio Leonne well enough!

Leone was certainly a master of the art, looking back I know exactly where I could interject small moments of revelation on those flashbacks instead of tacking it onto the end and it would make for a more fulfilling story as well.


However (and im guilty of this as anyone) we are writing shorts outwith realistic production possibilities. I mean mine has some grand scenes (but its floating as a possible micro feature) - for this the chewed up luxury train carriages etc? Are we writing the 'impossible to produce?' at least for the world of shorts?

Gonna be honest with you, I did not write this with the intention of making it or realizing someone might want to, oops, and so production costs and all that never occurred to me at the time.


Anyway my friend this is a far superior script (I hope you dont mind this comparison) and its just imo than the film you entered in Lossfest.

Oh I highly agree, the Lossfest script was... well, yeah hahaha. Thanks for your review :beer:


Blaine -
Quite a battle you had going there. This is so much more than I expected after having watched you shorts in the fests.

Lot of high concept explosions and train derailment going on here. Probably a bit much for a short to get produced unless you do the majority of it CGI. It certainly had its moments of excitement.

Yeah my shorts tend to be more realistic towards the budget I'm working with and the skill I have. Honestly wasn't writing this with the idea of getting produced but if it were, honestly, wouldn't you rather see a live-action train crash?


Then there's Pancho. I couldn't get the image of a Mexican Bandito out of my mind as I was reading it. Is that a good thing for you or not, cause that's what he is... but he just didn't get a name outside of the clothing he was wearing.


I just find it hard to accept him hanging a ten year-old boy without knowing more about him and that just wasn't going to happen considering the length of the script.This reads like an early draft. I think it would benefit by rewrites.

Like I said to Lawrie, looking back I know how to fix it but at the time I was in a rush which I have to say is a terrible way to write a script. Don't have time to really focus in on what you want before its too late, so I apologize. Thanks for reading :beer:

[MrKilloran]

Krestofre -
Does this meet the requirements? I couldn't find the gunfight.

... Weird, Isaac PM'd me about that saying I was missing something... :grin:


Certainly the most action packed script I've read in the fest, and it works well. From the technical perspective I think Blaine has it right. Yeah, Blaine usually is...


I think that you were trying to give O'Mally more humanity, but the scene plays a little off in my opinion. I don't really know, it needs some work, that probably should have come WAAAAAY before the gunfight. Thanks for reading :beer:

NJPage - Why no technical advice? Thanks for reading!

[conlanforever]

Yeeeeeehaw...now thats a gunfight! Once the action started it didn't let up. I thought you did a fine job of making the action clear and easy to follow, it flowed really well for me.

I had a couple of nitpicks, but they've already been addressed by others, the attempted rape, tad bit more info about the flashback.

I like how you turned the tables near the end and we find out Pike is really the bad guy or at least even worse than the "bad guys". Nice job of setting it up as well, when Pike steals the gold bar. This made the past event all the more believable. Well done.

That last bit of dialogue is one of my favorites in the fest.

Created some nice visuals, explosions the train top scene. This was a fun ride!

[Blaine]

Blaine -
Is that a good thing for you or not, cause that's what he is... but he just didn't get a name outside of the clothing he was wearing.If it was your intention to make him Mexican, then it was a good thing because that's how I saw him. :thumbsup:

[TimCollins]

Just read this one and man was there some gnarly action going on!

I like how you didn't take the typical route of the law being the good and the bandit being the bad.

Your descriptions and dialogue flowed really well. I could picture it in my head.

I did notice, as others have, that "O'Mally" kept popping up a lot of times but I suppose with breaking up every line of action that's pretty necessary.

Anyways, loved all the action... t'was a fun ride!

[Mark C]

Wow! There was some great action going on in this one. It made it so much fun to read and I could tell that it would be just as much fun to watch as a film. The only thing I wish I knew more about was why Pike was going to hang little O' Mally. Outside of that there's plenty to dig about this story. I like the way O'Mally helps the girl out on the train giving us a reason to sort of root for him. It makes the ending, when he gets away with it all, work really well. Nice Job!

[Kmaia]

Totally loved it!

[Chris_Keaton]

I like it all. The pacing, the general beat, the drop back in time to give some back story. Just enough to keep everything interesting. Well written. Good Job!

[MrKilloran]

conlanforever & TimCollins - glad you liked the action and the reversal worked for you. Thanks for reading and enjoyed the ride.

MarkC - The "rape" moment does try to give him humanity but I really need to make it happen at a less ridiculous time, right now its in the middle of the gunfight! As for the hanging, Pike is just sort of ruthless and a little sadistic too, that'd be why he was hanging O'Mally and not just shooting him. I need to expand and spread out the flashbacks a little more, show Pike basically burning O'Mally's home-town to the ground and the reasons for it BUT... I didn't do that so my bad.

Kmaia & Chris Keaton - Happy to entertain, thanks for reading it and the kind words in your reviews.

[Tim Joy]

Well... I followed it all the way through. It sure was action-packed! I was hoping for a comedy from you, a la Losers in Excess. Maybe next time. :)

I felt the downfall was in its predictability and the slightly stale dialog. The montage moment really threw me for a loop too.

To be more constructive, I think you could improve upon giving your audience less, both in your dialog and your story. Maybe create a little more intrigue so that we need to use our imagination more, and that will keep us engaged.

Your descriptions were fairly well written, except for a couple odd things that I couldn't figure out what you meant, but the dialog was always On the Nose.

Keep at it. You're skills are definitely improving.

[MrKilloran]

Well... I followed it all the way through. It sure was action-packed! I was hoping for a comedy from you, a la Losers in Excess. Maybe next time. :)

I can see it now.... "MrKilloran presents How the West was Undone"
Next time...Maybe, we'll see :)


To be more constructive, I think you could improve upon giving your audience less, both in your dialog and your story. Maybe create a little more intrigue so that we need to use our imagination more, and that will keep us engaged. That's my fault, I was really sort of stretching it... writing the night before is not a good way to do things. I wish I had had more time but thems the breaks I spose. No excuse. I hear you though, don't be so obvious and try to create a more engaging narrative that the audience can play around with.


Keep at it. You're skills are definitely improving. Thanks for your review I'll be sure to work on it.:beer:

[lawriejaffa]

I think it was good that you didn't do a comedy MrKilloran, (my audio review im sure really encouraged you in that path hahaha but it was just an opinion!) J/k you can do comedy just fine im sure but its good to stretch your wings!

I think it would be a worthwhile exercise to keep editing this (even if it might not be getting shot exactly lol ;) - just to incorporate the feedback etc, as that can only help you become an even greater genius in time for Quest fest !

[MrKilloran]

I think it was good that you didn't do a comedy MrKilloran, (my audio review im sure really encouraged you in that path hahaha but it was just an opinion!) J/k you can do comedy just fine im sure but its good to stretch your wings!

I think it would be a worthwhile exercise to keep editing this (even if it might not be getting shot exactly lol ;) - just to incorporate the feedback etc, as that can only help you become an even greater genius in time for Quest fest !

Your audio review inspired me to try harder if anything :grin:

A Western Comedy hadn't even crossed my mind, (until yeehaanow said something and then BOOM! it hit me) truth be told I'm not the biggest fan of that combination. A comedy may have been fun but the Leone fan in me wanted to try my hand at something more on the serious side.

Practice most certainly gives rise to improvement :thumbsup:

[Rustom Irani]

Do you really need the flashback?

For this short which is fantastically paced, it serves as a digression and adds a tad bit of implausibility with a man being able to survive after being shot below his right eye. Shrapnel, ricochet? Perhaps. Gunshot? No no! A brief moment that took me out.

Other than that you have a great set-up and two well rounded characters in Pancho and O'Mally.

Would have loved a scene where Pancho tackles the two shotgun toting vault protectors...but hey, you can only show so much in ten pages.

Thanks for the comments on "The Patch-up Kid."

All the best.

[Sarah Daly]

Hey - I liked this! Especialy how you switched who the good guys were or at least blurred the lines. Very clever and genuinely surprising.

You really got your head inside the genre and set the tone very well.

My main problem was that until the twist, it was a little too straightforward - there was no question asked and not enough at stake, but still, well written with strong characters. As others said, it just needs a bit of a trim and you're there!

Good job!

[MrKilloran]

Rustom Irani -


Do you really need the flashback?

Yes, I just need to expand and spread it out for it to be more effective.


For this short which is fantastically paced, it serves as a digression and adds a tad bit of implausibility with a man being able to survive after being shot below his right eye. Shrapnel, ricochet? Perhaps. Gunshot? No no! I wouldn't say its impossible but maybe it would work better if he was grazed or maimed horribly?


Would have loved a scene where Pancho tackles the two shotgun toting vault protectors...but hey, you can only show so much in ten pages.

Ten pages is tight but I should have considered that going in. When I get some time I'll go back through and expand a little, that scene could be very fun indeed.


Thanks for the comments on "The Patch-up Kid."

My pleasure, I certainly enjoyed it.

Sarah Daly -


You really got your head inside the genre and set the tone very well.

Thank you very much :)
My main problem was that until the twist, it was a little too straightforward - there was no question asked and not enough at stake, but still, well written with strong characters. As others said, it just needs a bit of a trim and you're there! I'll be sure to work on it, expand where necessary and if all goes well I'll have a much more solid script in the end. Thanks for reading and taking the time to review.

[seansshack]

A fine example of how to write action scenes. I would never have considered using BANG to describe gunshots before this, but I might now.

Let down by a bit of spit and polish - makes it read a bit rushed. Give it another draft and you'll have a winning short.

[jamiejay]

i liked this one. it was very well done.

i don't mind the rape scene or the flashback. in fact, i think the flashback worked well to show the back story behind these two characters. i love how the lawman is the bad guy and the outlaw is the nicer one... defending a lady's honor and all ;)

i think blaine has a point about the flashback, though, and maybe it would have worked a little better if the mom was the one being hanged unjustly... if the bullet grazed pike or entered at an angle, i don't think it's too inconceivable that he would have lived... i liked it.

also, i liked pancho. i just wish there was more concerning his relationship to o'mally. i got a sense that they didn't fully trust each other... but, then, they seemed to depend a lot on one another. it was a great dynamic that i thought could be developed a bit more.

good script :)

[MrKilloran]

seansshack - Thanks for the feedback, I'll work on polishing it up.

jamiejay - Glad you liked it, I think the flashback would work if expanded on to show why the child was going to be hanged. But Blaine's got the gear's turning in my head and I'm thinking about it. As for Pancho and O'Mally, yeah a little more back & forth between them would be nice to have and bring out some great depth to both their characters. :beer:

[leepback]

I got a little lost in the action sequences.

Action isn't quite my bag as you probably noticed since you have read my script (thank you). I also have trouble if there's more than say three characters involved in these shootouts and where they're all positioned. I suppose that's taken care of with a visual reference if this was ever produced.

I really had trouble grasping the implications of the following phrase.
"opposite sides of the car, parallels to one another"

Should that be "sides" or "ends" of the car.

"Sides" seeems rather close quarters to my way of thinking unless railway carriages have been downsized in the last few decades.

Thanks for the read and good luck in the rankings.

BTW: where do I find your (and the other) Lossfest films (are only the finalist available)

[MrKilloran]

I really had trouble grasping the implications of the following phrase.
"opposite sides of the car, parallels to one another"

Should that be "sides" or "ends" of the car.

"Sides" seeems rather close quarters to my way of thinking unless railway carriages have been downsized in the last few decades.

Damn, yes that is supposed to say opposite "ends" of the car. My mistake. Good eye. :beer:


BTW: where do I find your (and the other) Lossfest films (are only the finalist available)As for Lossfest, I believe you can find all of the entries here: http://www.dvxfest.com/lossfest/round1.php

[leepback]

Thanks for the heads up on the lossfest link......I'm crap at finding things on these forums.

[arroway]

nice sparse writing style. this is what a script should look like. quite refreshing after some of the more description-heavy entries. everything was simple and easy to understand.

"O’Mally looks up from beneath the brim of his hat, sand
sticking to the sweat and stubble of his face"

nice detail.

"PIKE
I’d follow you to hell just to make
sure you were dead.
Pike"

nice line.

"2) Pike slowly stretches his fingers over the ammo-rounds on
his belt, touching each and every one methodically."

cool detail

"The woman runs up behind Pike and steals his gun and shoots
the noose, releasing O’Mally"

that stretches believability a bit...

i liked this a lot. definitely wins the "most action" award in the fest. i like how the bad guys are really the kind of good guys and the good guy is really the bad guy. it was a fun read. if you win the lottery, you should produce it. ;-)