The Legend of Immortal Joe

[Mark C]

Ready.

A charming con man and horse thief named Joe becomes an immortal slave when he tries to steal from a seemingly helpless woman.

[Ezekiel667]

Hmm? A little supernatural. Nice. Looking forward to it.

[Mark C]

Hmm? A little supernatural. Nice. Looking forward to it.

Thank you Ezekiel! Your right on, it's Super supernatural.

[Sarah Daly]

I'm intrigued...sounds like an interesting little genre-twisting moral tale...Nice!

[conlanforever]

I like to see genres blended. Looking forward to seeing how it plays out.

[Mark C]

Thank you guys! Yes, Immortal Joe may very well be one of the greatest 10 page westerns of all time...

Bill Hardy looks like it's an awesome read as well. Super idea!!!

[jamiejay]

glad that there seems to be so much variety this fest... sounds good. can't wait to read it!

jamie :)

[lawriejaffa]

Right well most of this script is plain outrageous (perhaps a little immature in parts - not always in a bad way though!) Obviously the script is not meant to be taken as a serious Western - and in actual fact it kinda reads and would look best imo as a film - if it were adapted with a 'Tales of the Crypt' style perspective.

I don't know if your familiar with old copies of the 60's 70's etc Horror comics - that were grotesque and zany etc and this one fits the mould almost perfectly.

In that sense (and its twist) it works quite well - as anything but that it obviously doesnt (ie. its not the Unforgiven hehe) - so a wacky entry that is genuinely amusing.

[Mark C]

Thank you for the read lawriejaffa! Great notes.

Yup, I'm a fan of Tales of the Crypt and that style of horror comics. I was also a fan of a show called Amazing Stories which aired in the 80's. Just quick Twilight Zone type story's that were wacky, fun and left you feeling a little creeped out.

[conlanforever]

You have written a quirky tale. I agree with the Tales of the Crypt feel it has.

I'm assuming that this is the american west, in which case there wouldn't be any Cobra's, but in a tale of fantasy such as this, that may or may not be important.

The part where the crowd is staring at him and then Joe says this is wierd and then the boys point at him, woman gasps. This felt redundant and could be tightened up a bit.

I like seeing the bad guy get his just deserts after betraying Selma.
Thanks for sharing your script!

[TimCollins]

This was a fun read in a quirky, comical way - which was a nice change of pace amidst some of these serious & emotional scripts.

I liked how the sheriff was a total ass and both Selma and Joe called him out on it numerous times. Also, the name Selma Beavers cracked me up when I first saw it.

Sorry for the nit-picking but I noticed you spelled riding "ridding" a couple of times. That kind of took me out of the story for a moment.

I liked that Joe was totally not into Selma and just used her for the necklace and in the end, was forced to be married to her forever. And when the sheriff said:

"Looks like you might just get to be married to her after all! Personally, I think that fate is worse than death itself, anyway."

That line was great and really summed it all up for me just how terrible this woman is.

Just one thing - I didn't like how the d*ckhead sheriff got the last laugh. I would've liked it better if something had happened to where both Joe and the sheriff were miserable.

But overall, the story was fun. Good job!

[Mark C]

You have written a quirky tale. I agree with the Tales of the Crypt feel it has.

I'm assuming that this is the american west, in which case there wouldn't be any Cobra's, but in a tale of fantasy such as this, that may or may not be important.

The part where the crowd is staring at him and then Joe says this is wierd and then the boys point at him, woman gasps. This felt redundant and could be tightened up a bit.

I like seeing the bad guy get his just deserts after betraying Selma.
Thanks for sharing your script!

Thank you for the review colanforever!

Good catch on the Cobra. Your right, it's not from the area. If you think this story is quirky as it is now, it would blow your mind if I told you what's really going on with that snake. (It's part of a bigger version of the story but I thought it was harmless enough to leave in here. )

[Mark C]

This was a fun read in a quirky, comical way - which was a nice change of pace amidst some of these serious & emotional scripts.

I liked how the sheriff was a total ass and both Selma and Joe called him out on it numerous times. Also, the name Selma Beavers cracked me up when I first saw it.

Sorry for the nit-picking but I noticed you spelled riding "ridding" a couple of times. That kind of took me out of the story for a moment.

I liked that Joe was totally not into Selma and just used her for the necklace and in the end, was forced to be married to her forever. And when the sheriff said:

"Looks like you might just get to be married to her after all! Personally, I think that fate is worse than death itself, anyway."

That line was great and really summed it all up for me just how terrible this woman is.

Just one thing - I didn't like how the d*ckhead sheriff got the last laugh. I would've liked it better if something had happened to where both Joe and the sheriff were miserable.

But overall, the story was fun. Good job!

Thank you for the read and feedback TimCollins!

Yes, I do need to learn how to spell the riding word when using it as much as I have here. Also your right about the sheriff. No way that guy should be allowed to have the last laugh but I guess this particular lesson was Joe's to learn.

[seansshack]

Include time of day on all your slugs: INT. JAIL HOUSE

Again too much description on the opening here - maybe down to trying to fit everything into ten pages. But opening sticks out and thus reminds you that you are reading a script - never a good thing. You want the reader to be concerned with the story only and never notice the formatting.

Character intros also need work:

This is Sheriff Leopold Kaughman.
Sheriff Leo walks in the front door followed by a thin woman
with a pale bony face and oversized nose.

Should be

SHERIFF LEOPOLD KAUGHMAN, age, walks through the front door. He is followed by a THIN WOMAN, age, with a pale face and .....

Also I was advised to give every on screen character a name (if you give them a name, then it gives the impression the writer cares about the character and the reader/viewer can identify better).

I would also dump the we see parts and just describe. Easy to use. But think of better ways of telling your story.

example
As Sheriff Leo moves out of the way, we see Selma step
forward.

Sheriff Leo steps out of the way, as Selma steps forward.


Also some of the structure/formatting jumps around.


example at end

LEO
Dearly beloved we are gathered here today....
Close up on Joe's face as we CUT TO BLACK- END

should be

LEO
Dearly beloved we are gathered here today....

CLOSE on Joe's face.

FADE TO BLACK

Overall the story was an amusing and fun read. Bit different and quirky which is good in my book.

Tidy it up and it will be much better.

[DarkElastic]

Hi Mark C, I just read your script and enjoyed it as a comedy tale.

Obviously, some of the spelling and English could be improved. Also, you introduce Joe in captals, but not the Sheriff or Selma? But as a comedy you get away with these minor things. A few things spring to mind though:
1. Selma Beavers (great name), as pointed as she is, doesn't come across as terrible, not a terrible as you would expect for the ending to work. She should be god damn pig ugly and be slightly insane to make it seem like an eternity of hell.
2. Why didn't the Sheriff just remove the neckalace from Joe, while he was unconscious, and shoot him? Thus ridding himself of Joe for good?

Overall though, it was a good comedy, which I agree fits 'Tales From the Crypt,' and would make quite a funny short. Good work.

[Mark C]

Thank you so much for the notes seansshack! I'll be making those corrections and I agree it will make the whole thing flow better. Awesome!

Thank you for your feedback as well DarkElastic, great thoughts on Selma and the Sheriff. There is defiantly room to make her a more unappealing character to drive the point home. I think the only reason the Sheriff didn't kill Joe there was because he sort of wanted to see him suffer by marrying Selma. He's sort of a jerk that way.

[Sarah Daly]

A good concept here, and a fun read, but as others have said, a little simple housework would improve this greatly. That's the easy part though - your story is imaginative and it works - and that's what's important.

BUt yes, spelling bla bla bla..it shouldn't matter bit it is distracting and you don't want to lose your reader for a second.

Lots of potential here Mark, just needs tightening up, especially the opening. Plenty of great suggestions to work from above!

Best of luck and thanks for a different read!

[MrKilloran]

There are a problems here... break up action shots, structure, etc its stuff you've been told but Please. Please, get rid of the "we see" type of writing. It is unnecessary. We're reading it, we know its there because you've described it. It just really takes me out of the story.

It is an interesting "tales from the crypt" influenced story and it works. I liked the complete and utter distaste Joe had for Selma, you played it off well and the Sheriff is such an asshole. Very playful, I liked it, just work on the technical side of things.

[NJPage]

This is indeed so reminiscent of the 'Twilight Zone' stuff... excellent, v. g. story. I wrote 1st read through - 'fine little ole tale - rounded off nicely.
But, but... you would benefit from tightening up your sentence construction and inserting commas where they serve to clarify your intended meaning.
But hey... 'twas a good read!

[Tim Joy]

This was a decent story, but I'm not quite sure I see the point, or really understand the ending.
It was a bit difficult to read because there's a lot of detail in there that IMO distracts the focus of the story. For example- "...swinging noose, ...indigo sky". Not really important to the story and maybe better left to the imagination of the reader. It's great that you have such a visual sense of the movie, but it did trip me up a bit.

The necklace is a little hard to buy without some more setup. Maybe it could work in a longer format, but I think a pretty hard sell in a short.

For this story, I think your plot worked well and I followed the action fine, so good job with that.

[krestofre]

I enjoyed the underlying tale. I think the biggest issue with the script was the dialog. I'd go back through the script and think about how the words will sound, not how they're read. There's a lot of extraneous dialog that could be cut. Example: Joe repeating "Proection from Death? Young forever?" Joe saying "This is weird" when the necklace starts to work. Stuff like that.

[Noel Evans]

Lots of points already made I agree with. I liked the idea that Joe is going to suffer a fate worse than death. But I would have set Selma up a bit more to be someone you know would be horrible to spend the rest of your days with.

Really quirky and a solid base to go from.

[Mark C]

I once again want to thank everyone for taking the time to not only read but provide all of the feedback! It's so amazing how much you can learn from each other and I'm loving every moment of it!

Sarah Daly - Yes, some tightening up will be done! Thank you for the review!

MrKilloran - You will be happy to know I plan to never again use the words "we see" in a script. Thank You!

NJPage- Your right, commas were made for a reason and I will adjust accordingly. I appreciate it!

Yeehaanow- I agree the detail can be toned down. It must have something to do with my control issues in wanting to force readers to see it all the way I do. Ha! Great suggestions though and it makes sense as a viewer would not be reading it anyway. Thank you!

krestofre- Funny thing you should mention the dialog because I was sort of thinking that one myself. Nice suggestion!

Noel Evans- Yes, I think in a rewrite we will defiantly see Selma as a more horrible person to give it that extra punch at the end. Thank you for reading!

[Blaine]

Well this started out okay but then I realized you were playing it for laughs. Forgive me if I repeat something someone else has said, as I haven't gone back to read the thread yet.

1st, I think I'd lose the passive voice. Example:

Selma is sitting down in her chair heartbroken and crying. She is reaching out to the full moon on the horizon where she watched Joe ride off.
would read better as:

Selma sits in her chair, heartbroken and crying. She reaches out to the full moon as she watches Joe ride off.

Check the spelling. If it just happened once, "ridding" could be a typo, but it's repeated several times. There are quite a few other spelling problems like "bonny" for "boney." It's really important to go over the script with a fine tooth comb. If it was just one misspelling it could be overlooked but this just looks slopping.

Even though you're telling a Twilight Zone story, try not to go too far afield with things like the cobra. That just feels like a mistake rather than style. If you're in the west/southwest best to go with a rattlesnake. At least that keep the reader plugged in. You're already asking us to go with the magic necklace, so keep the rest of the world as normal as possible so we don't start looking for other things amiss...unless, of course, you're willing to explain the cobra in the story, which you didn't.

You're a bit wording in your action blocks. I'd like to see you more economical in your descriptions (see above example).

So much for the criticisms.

Having read through a lot of scripts, I've noticed a lot of supernatural business going on. Yours is yet another in that vein but you put a different twist on it by giving us a comedy. That was refreshing. It was an easy read and the story moved along at a nice pace.

<<time out while I read some of the other reviews.>>

Okay, it looks like I've repeated some things but that should be a good thing because it reinforces what others have seen.

I think Noel makes a great point with pushing Selma further to the extreme thus reinforcing a fate worse than death.

Good job and thanks for a comedy.

[arroway]

pretty good! i loved the ending although i didn't really understand why marrying selma was a "fate worse than death". you could have made her a lot more annoying and or described how hideous she was or something. also, why was he with her in the first place? money? hot sister? maybe he seduces her because he hears she makes the best tamales a man will ever have and then once he's eaten he wants nothing more to do with her, goes to the bar, gets arrested, meets her again in prison...something. IMO, i feel it needs further substantiation.

also, the cobra made no sense to me. the fact that it was slithering around (presumably) the american frontier or the reason for including it in the story. the dialogue seemed a little wooden at times as well.

i liked the way you referenced the title and the title itself.

[RodThompson]

The great thing about reviewing late is that I have the option to simply echo everyone else's sentiments, which I do.

I think that there are a lot of spelling and grammatical issues to be addressed long before you look at the possible flaws in story and structure. I know that I personally had a high school knowledge of writing when I approached screenwriting, and quickly found myself being slammed for it. No worries...licked my wounds and kept on writing.

My biggest bit of advice is to look at your script when you think you're done and remind yourself that you're NOT. I find more flaws in my find more mechanical flaws in my final draft than in my first, which is normally typo-heavy. Mechanical errors are things that make the story seem flat, or Characters that don't seem real. Dialogue would be my particular nitpic with Immortal Joe. None of it ever felt natural.

The story could be better with some minor mechanical tweeks. On the whole, a decent conept for a comedy!

[Rustom Irani]

You have enough people mention the spelling typos, the passive voice in description and the dialog issues, yet? :)

That's the only way you'll learn. And you've got a great start being a story-teller. You have nailed a structure and have a sense of pacing though it's a bit off.

All good things as far as progressing towards being a better screen-writer is concerned.

A Western Comedy. That takes guts and a fair bit of skill. I'd watch "Balzing Saddles" and also Spaghetti Western comedies that starred Bud Spencer and Terence Hill. "Trinity Is Still My Name", "My Name Is Nobody" to name a couple.

Mostly slapstick works great in a setting like a Western. Also more sight gags. Sexual innuendo, ROM/COM like situations, are hit and miss.

Flesh out the Selma character. Give her more quirks. Make her personality hideous or appalling. Maybe she's jinxed and every person she meets ends up with horrible accidents. Or she's clumsy.

The Sherrif is the most rounded character here. He's trying to do his job, is comically evil and yet has a redemptive quality with his action at the end. Great writing with him.

I'd trim this up, break up the descriptions and with a final polish it has a lot of potential.

All the best. Thanks for the comments on "The Patch-up Kid."

[Mark C]

I just wanted to take a moment yet again to thank all of you guys for spending the time to read the story and share your feedback. It has been so helpful and I think this story is going to rock after I'm done making the tweaks you have all suggested. Your the best!

Blaine- Great points on everything. Especially keeping the rest of the world as normal as can be unless it's explained. Thank you!

arroway- Yeah, that Cobra has been trouble in the short version of this story so out it will come! Thank you!

RodThompson- One of the best things that has come out of this for me was learning exactly what you (and the others) have stated about not rushing it to avoid mechanical tweaks. Thank you!

Rustom Irani- Great idea about Selma causing horrible accidents to those she meets! Awesome!!! Thank you

[leepback]

Mark,

Was initially here to mention the cobra thingy already mentioned a few times above. Reading it made me stop and consider for a while and think how funnily misplaced this creature was, but having fallen flat on my face in the past I did a little bit of research and yes indeed a "cobra" could have been the featured snake.

Micrurus fulvius (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micrurus_fulvius), a.k.a. the American cobra or eastern coral snake, a venomous elapid species found in the southeastern United States.

Sort of shows up our ignorance as you were indeed correct, but then again if it's something that's not common knowledge perhaps the obligatory "Rattlesnake" might have proven a better choice as this unusual siting of a cobra in the wild west was the overiding image I took from your script.

I also wondered why he wasn't nude(ish) as the bullets ripped through everything else they would have torn off his clothing (the necklace assists him in this?). Maybe you should have him nude - might have added another comedic element. Just nitpicking as I have seen this sort of thing in many movies.

[Mark C]

That's a hilarious idea leepback! Thank you. It looks like I still need to read Gunplay. I will try to get to it tonight and leave some feedback as well.

[jamiejay]

this was a humorous story. very tales from the crypt.

on that note, however, i agree that you should have taken it more to the extreme with selma's character...making her really hideous and repulsive. if you took out some of the overdone description, you would have room for more character development...

maybe you could have opened with a scene before joe is arrested that shows how joe and selma interact, how she falls in love with him, how he steals the horses... etc. it kind of feels like we are starting in the middle of the story otherwise with a need for expostition in the jail scene to explain why he is in jail to begin with.

still... i love how different and quirky this script felt. very entertaining. :)