One of Them Cowboys

[Keth Andril]

One of Them Cowboys, by Dylan Coates

Will Shiner fought for the Confederate States in the Civil War. Disowned by his family for joining the confederates, defeated by the Yankees, and scarred by the horrors of war, he must now head for the West in hope of forging a new life for himself. Along the way, he and his brother in arms, Paul, encounter a series of events that prepare for life in the west.

This is my first DVXuser Fest of any sort. I'm looking forward to it.

[Ezekiel667]

Seems a little big for 10 pages, but I look forward to reading it!

[TimCollins]

Seems a little big for 10 pages, but I look forward to reading it!

Agreed, seems like an epic.

But hey, I'm jealous of someone who can tell a big story in as few pages as possible.

Look forward to reading.

[seansshack]

Sounds great.

[conlanforever]

Sounds like you have a mini epic on your hands.

[Keth Andril]

I finished typing up the script. Its about 8 pages. However, I changed the premise ever so slightly.

[Keth Andril]

Okay, I added a little bit to the script to do even more character building and I added some direction for some really specific shots I had in mind.

One of my English major friends is proofreading it right now, and I'm letting a couple Civil War buffs check it for historical accuracy.

It should be ready for submission sometime next week.

[nouou]

kuul

[LadyNatasha87]

Wow, was looking at my fellow contendors titles and looked into yours as I thought that you had the most appealing title for me. When I read your brief sounds amazing.. very western yet sounds fresh at the same time. I hope that the finished article is as good as the preview seems to be.

[Keth Andril]

Wow, was looking at my fellow contendors titles and looked into yours as I thought that you had the most appealing title for me. When I read your brief sounds amazing.. very western yet sounds fresh at the same time. I hope that the finished article is as good as the preview seems to be.

I hope it lives up to your expectations Natasha.

It is uploaded and ready to go, I'm just waiting for the reading to be opened so I can start reading all of your scripts.

[RodThompson]

Jesus! Mine is about a guy crossing the street without getting hit by a horse...and I still couldn't manage ten pages.

/jealous

[jamiejay]

sounds interesting... elaborate set up. looking forward to reading it!

jamie

[lawriejaffa]

Righto page 2 lurker - lets get some feedback on the go!

So I enjoyed this script and ill prattle on first about what I liked. The dialgoue between the two soldiers was solid and endearing. SPOILER - especially the 'brother' revelation... they paused for a moment... so did i!

The rescue of the girl is (a bit like bastards /badges) pura Kurosawa RedBeard in its loveliness and i think that tender element (and the fact she survived...) was again endearing.

The last gunfight - was maybe a little optimistic (they manage to beat 3 bandits unscathed) and i think perhaps a little mercy / and or fleeing on the parts of the henchmen and or a slightly more plausible set up (with the same ending) might work a little better. Of course maybe its just fine and would be in the direction hehe.

This could also work as an excellent microbudget feature if you live out midwest/ wherever in the USA. You saw Cold Mountain do it - you could do without the schmaltz of that films romance hehe.

(I mean ok Nicole Kidman does it for me ill give it that!) Anyway.... An enjoyable script and heck if its setting was transportable to Scottish scenic locations (still set in USA) then i could even help you make a version (I have an enfield musket annnnnd kepi's and a couple of repo old uniforms!)

Good luck mon amie!

[conlanforever]

This was a nice well paced read.

The strength of the script between the two friends and their banter. The revelation of his brother was emotional.

The rescue of the girl seemed a little random, but you handled it well and it showed something about the character of the men. So it certainly accomplishes that.

The fight at the end with the bandits could be a little harder to win, but I'm okay with it the way it is. I would like it to carry a little more emotional weight so that it connected to the rest of the story. Maybe they were friends of the rapist and they were looking for them or they are Yankee bandits trying to really stick it to a couple of confederates.

For me this would have given the scene more impact.

Overall I enjoyed the script, your descriptions were tight, solid dialogue, good characterization. Nicely done!

[DarkElastic]

Hi Keth, I've just read your script, thanks for the read.

This is a really well written script with nicely structured action. everything is so clear - but it could possibly do without all the direction as it distracts you from the story.
Paul and Will are great characters and they interact well. There history is plane - brothers in arms. they have a natural respect nfor each other and it comes through clear enough from the writing. I think the young lady could have done with something, a backstory of some kind, we never really get to know who she is and I wouldn't have been to shocked if the bandits had killed her.
I loved the fact that this had a historic background.
I too really liked the opening shocker at the end of scene 1, great stuff.
People have already mentioned about the bandit battle needing a bit more.

Overall, a really strong script. Some great characters, some characters that need a bit more. Well done.

[TimCollins]

Hey, just read it and enjoyed it - cool story.

I like your use of minimal descriptions. It really lets the believable dialogue stand out.

Your story was solid and I could really feel for Will's character not really knowing what to do with himself after the war.

Only thing I would watch out for, and I think this has been mentioned, is the camera directions in the script. It's cool if you're writing something that you're going to go out and direct yourself but in a competition such as this I think it would be better to write it as a spec-script with no mention of camera.

Other than that, cool story. Thanks for a fun read!

[NJPage]

Hiya and WOW! I really enjoyed this script.
The main characters Will and Paul are so believable - their dialogue 'sweetly succinct'.
Your action lines minimalistic and clear.
The whole package made for an excellent script and a watchable short film, with low production costs (?)
'One of Them Cowboys' is in my 'fistful of favourites' of the Fest! Good luck!

[Blaine]

This was a fast read. In this case it isn't all good. There were huge chunks of exposition in the dialogue that I just found myself skimming.

Every time you threw a camera movement in there, it pulled me out of the story. Leave the camera movements for the director and shooting script. You could also lose the colon after the characters' names... i.e. WILL: or PAUL:.

The story really feels like talking heads. In the action sequences it just seems that our heroes prevail a little too easily. There's really no dramatic tension in the action. I'm never on the edge of my seat waiting to see if they make out okay.

Thanks for sharing.

[Mark C]

I was moved when I got to the brother revelation and it really made me think about what people were going through during the civil war. Families were indeed torn apart and you've done a great job a conveying the torment these characters were going through. Any time you can generate emotion like that, it's a good thing. Maybe the girl can have a bit more significance and sort of add a little more of a twist to the ending but I really thought this was great. I also like the way were able to work the title into the dialogue!

[MrKilloran]

It was good but there was a lack of description to favor exposition. Everything, is explained through dialogue. I never got a sense visually of what these characters were like or the surroundings they were in. The dialogue was believable but I felt there could be more.

Camera movements are really distracting.

The revelation of the brother is spot on, that moment where they pause really hits home.

The rape and bandit attack feels random, the rape is handled a little better and gives some sense of character but the attack has no tense build-up, its there, they beat them, the end. Its all too quick. I just think there needs to be some more depth or oomph to the story.

[jamiejay]

i really liked this story.

maybe to avoid the straight exposition, you could have added a flashback of the battle and seeing his brother's body. that would have been very emotional.

the rescuing of the girl was nice... i think it would have been cool if she had never said a word.

i do see what others are saying about the camera directions as well... it can take you out of the story.

still, i liked the characters and it was nice to have a script where the good guys come out on top, which didn't happen too often this fest, haha.... nice work :)