Bastards with Badges and a Devil's Dying Deed [Archive] - DVXuser.com -- The online community for filmmaking

Ezekiel667

03-11-2009, 12:10 PM

2nd draft completed at 10 pages exactly.

i'd like to get it closer to 6 or 7 pages but i don't think it'll happen.

:crybaby:

I'm with ya there, my current draft is 10 pages. I'm trying to find things to skim off the top, but I think it's pretty much stuck where it is.

TimCollins

03-11-2009, 07:22 PM

I'm with ya there, my current draft is 10 pages. I'm trying to find things to skim off the top, but I think it's pretty much stuck where it is.

Same here. My first draft was 12 pages and I skimmed it down to a full 10 exactly.

arroway

03-11-2009, 08:45 PM

advice i've heard numerous times is "when it comes to short films, the shorter the better". it allows film festivals to schedule more showings, it allows you more avenues to post your work online, and it helps with the world's rapidly declining attention span.

with that said, i don't know how to edit mine down any further without making it incomprehensible and i wrote this to conceivably shoot for a couple grand at a relative's ranch in texas so...hopefully one of you guys can suggest something short of suggesting i scrap the whole thing.

:beer:

seansshack

03-12-2009, 09:21 AM

The fest reviews should help you with feedback into if it needs to be shorter or longer in running length.

conlanforever

03-12-2009, 09:59 AM

Love the title and tagline.
As far as length , hard to say without seeing the script, but if there is a lot of action, that may shoot shorter than it takes up space on the page.

Sarah Daly

03-20-2009, 07:12 AM

Well you've got my vote for best title anyway! To cut down, try using commas instead of 'ands' and get rid of lines with only one or two words on the by rethinking the sentence. but yes, it's always easier for someone else to see what can be cut than it is for the writer...so I'm sure you'll get plenty of suggestions once you put it up!

arroway

03-23-2009, 09:09 PM

i left an earlier (much shorter) title on the opening page just to get people's opinion VS this new (much longer) one.

FYI, i plan on producing/directing this myself in the near future at a relative's ranch in texas.

:beer:

jamiejay

03-24-2009, 02:25 PM

i like the alliteration in the title. i'm interested! good luck! :)

jamie

lawriejaffa

03-25-2009, 04:47 AM

Hey there :P

Some very elegant writing here - especially in your descriptions and scene settings. I found this to be a very atmospheric and easy to read script. The characters are well developed, and I felt sympathy (obviously enough) for the character of Alaqua while I was convinced too that 'Rider' had been a bad dude now with his final chance for Redemption.

If you get a chance you should check out the great and unexpected rescue scene of the girl in the period drama 'Red Beard' - Akira Kurosawa - it had that kind of a vibe to it which played well.

It managed to avoid overt sentimentality thanks to its gritty and brutal feeling making it all work when it does come ;) I wondered if the title might be a little 'trendy' - but reading the script - its done justice :)

I liked the supernatural element too, a little bit of gothic in there is always good. So all in all a very strong entry in my book!

DarkElastic

03-25-2009, 08:29 AM

I really enjoyed your script Arroway.

I thought the characters of the girl, the rider and sebastian were great. The story was very harsh and very real, it gave a good insight into the evil of the time and the violence. The ghost was a nice simbol of a man losing his mind due to the weight of a decision. A decision that killed his comrade.
With that in mind, the only thing that really jarred was the gun the ghost produces. Everything up to that point is very real (even the ghost), but the gun gave a supernatural element that wasn't necessary. It could have pointed to the saddle, a saddle owned by another, and when the rider checks the saddle there could have been a stowed revolver, fully loaded. A spare one of the deputies carries on his horse, just in case.

Other than that, I really enjoyed your script. Well done.

krestofre

03-25-2009, 09:49 AM

I think the longer title is the better title.

This is a strong script. Very well handled and very well written. The motivation of the Rider is never questioned, even when he decides for once in his life to do the right thing. I think DarkElastic has an excellent point regarding the extra revolver, however it didn't really bother me during my initial read. Supernatural elements are OK in my book, but it does beg the question of why the ghost who was betrayed by the Rider would be so helpful. Pitty for the girl is the obvious answer, but it did make me wonder.

Brutal in some parts. Heartwarming in others. Good job. If the rest of the scripts are this caliber then it will be a hard competition to decide.

REHov520

03-25-2009, 12:54 PM

First off I agree that the longer title is by far the better one.

I liked this quite a bit. I really liked the Rider character, and his phrases that he repates like "well godamnit." If this is supposed to be the story of an evil man's redemption, however, I feel like you could have made him more evil. Not waiting for a fellow bank robber isn't really evil in my book, it's either selfish or smart (since he probably would have died had he tried to rescue his friend in the bank robbery). I never really saw the Rider as an EVIL character, and in a way that made his redemption less compelling. He just seemed like a decent guy on the wrong side of the law.

On a technical note I was a little annoyed with the lack of pronouns in a lot of your sentences. Very minor issue, and sometimes this works as a style thing, but it bugged me because it seemed overdone.

I also did not like the gun at the end in that it connected the supernatural world to the real world, which just felt out of place for this story. Where I thought you were going with it was that he would go into battle and realize he only had the one gun, that he had imagined the other gun, and so he only had enough bullets to kill 6 guys. I think that could have been cool. But having the gun being an actual object given to him by his friend's ghost took me out of the story quite a bit at the end.

Good job!

Ezekiel667

03-25-2009, 01:12 PM

I'm with everyone when it comes to the title, the longer is the better.

This was very good. You do have elegant writing, your descriptions were the best I've read so far. I loved your characters, they were all really realistic. And your dialogue flowed really well. I agree that the supernatural gun was a little unnecessary, the saddle idea would have worked much better with the rest of the script, but that's a minor problem. I loved the rest of it. Great job.

Blaine

03-25-2009, 03:04 PM

I thought this was a good story. There were some things about it that bugged, though. I have to agree with those that have written about the ghost and the gun. Let's not have the ghost physically interact with him. My other problem is the age of the girl. This is a problem for production. It's a hard sell with the concerns of pedophilia. I think the story would be just as strong if you made the girl older, mid-to-late teens. She could be played by a young looking adult. This isn't really a prudish concern as much as it is a selling concern. People are going to be very uneasy watching the subject as it is...even though nothing is shown.

I know the actions of the posse with the girl were central to the plot but I found myself chuckling. Here is a posse in hot pursuit but not going to pass up the opportunity to "get some."

I liked your writing style and it was a good read.

lawriejaffa

03-25-2009, 03:22 PM

Yeah I think I'll echoe those sentiments - of course you want to be gritty and hard hitting but social norms are different and they can take a point (while historically accurate for such a monster) might prove a 'distraction' to your story!

Sexual child abuse is not the distraction you want lol - not if the purpose bedind your heroes redemption is the rescuing of a young woman ;)

Likewise with the pistol as it kind of comfirms the supernatural prescence, where as leaving it otherwise lets the whole thing become a lot more psychological!

NJPage

03-26-2009, 02:39 PM

Hi there! Mmmm you write so well. But, there seems to be lotsa stuff about this 'real gun' in supernatural setting going on . Can I help? One way around it might be to leave out one villain playing dead - suddenly popping up his head to shoot the girl as Rider is on the point of death. Rider then sees the 'gun' actually real in his hand (hitherto only a shadowy ghostly outline) and plugs the baddy with a r-e-a-l bullet. One smacky-pop and he's dead, and you've solved the real/supernatural gun dilemma. NO you say!!! Mutter... mutter...

arroway

03-26-2009, 11:11 PM

thanks for your thoughts guys.

i agree about the gun and i like some of the corrective suggestions mentioned. three or four lines of revision shouldn't be that difficult of a fix.

i also like the idea that he only thinks he has a second gun and realizes too late that he's only killed 6 of the 12. not sure how that would end though.

i respectfully disagree about the girl being too young. a mid to late teenage prostitute was nothing out of the ordinary in the 1800s. i think the main character really needs something extra despicable to cause him to set aside his selfishness. as for alienating or distracting the audience, "watchmen" and "gone baby gone" (to name a few recent examples) dealt with similar subject matter in a more graphic and gruesome way so i think i'm okay on that front...

however, trying to find a young native american actress whose parents would allow her to be in this? well, wish me luck, lol.

:Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)

chris f

03-27-2009, 12:51 AM

arroway,

I've only read three scripts, but so far this is hands down the front runner. Really enjoyed the story and was engaged from start to finish. The descriptive writing style definitely helped me visualize exactly what you have in mind (something I need to work on).

Personally I didn't have a problem with the age of the girl or the gun from the ghost. Establishing early in the story that he was talking to a ghost allowed me to accept that he could receive a gun from him, especially since he didn't hand it to him which led be to believe the ghost was abiding by some rule of the dead-undead relationship. Since ghosts clearly don't exist in real life, but do in this story I quickly accepted that and the new rules in the world of this story.

I really don't have anything negative to say. Good job.

Tormod

03-27-2009, 07:02 AM

I loved this story. I really did! I agree as everyone else about the supernatural thing, but I agree with you about the age of the girl.

I felt perhaps it was a bit overwritten at the first page. I just felt it started a bit slow.

Also, and I`ve said this about other flashbacks, (Im not a fan of flashbacks :P) but I felt it was unnessecery. I think it would be cool if you didn`t see that he left his friend, because I agree that it was the right thing for him to do, and it doesn`t really make him a bad person.
If you just leave the dialogue and cut the flashback, we will wonder what happened, and I like to think for myself when I watch films. Not get everything jammed down my throat (not that that`s what happens here)

But all in all I think this is one of the best scripts I`ve read so far! Great job!

Tim Joy

03-27-2009, 12:10 PM

YEah! I was totally drawn into this world you created. I could see the whole thing in my mind, and the writing always kept me engaged, eager for the next line.
The ending is not really a surprise, but it feels so good, especially after everything we go through with the rider and the girl. There's a wish they he do the "right thing" and it pays off. I'll definitely be reading this one again.
Superb!

conlanforever

03-27-2009, 04:34 PM

I liked the harsh, realism of this story. You're descriptions are good and the action is written well.

I think the age of the girl works well for this story as far as the outrage of the abuse, I've got no problem there. My only nitpick with the age is the job she does to fix the rider up, thats some serious first aid for an eleven year old girl, even given that she may have done it to herself once.

I thought the two main characters were well developed and I was interested to see what was going to happen to them. The dialogue was well written between the two of them.

I enjoyed his monlogue before he begins the gunfight with the posse, but on the other hand its seems a little out of place for his character. He never struck me as a long winded guy.

You didn't get overly sentimental in the end and it really wrapped the story up nicely.
This was a really good piece of writing and I enjoyed it from beginning to end.

TimCollins

03-27-2009, 08:45 PM

I liked this one alot. But what happened to the title?? It's comeuppance now?

Anyway, the story of Alaqua is very real in it's brutality. You really make the reader feel for her from the first moment you meet her.

I do like the character of the Rider. But I do agree that a little more could've been done to make him seem like a guy with a truly bad past who actually feels emotion for the first time in his life when he sees what happens to Alaqua. The way I read it he seems like a decent guy who just went down the wrong path. And making him seem worse would make the ending stronger where he tells Alaqua to avoid men like him.

It was a good read though and I dug the ending, especially the "Sprinkling sugar on a turd don't make it a cake" line. I like how he had a chance to ride away clean but would rather sacrafice his life to do something good rather than keep on living being bad. That was meaningful.

Good job man!

arroway

03-28-2009, 11:06 AM

thanks for the thoughts, guys. i appreciate it.

i think i agree that the rider should be painted a little bit more evil. maybe he shoots his partner so he doesn't have to split the money from the bank heist? or what if he alludes to a history of being a scalp hunter? that was probably the most despicable bit of business a man could have gotten into in the old west...

Chris_Keaton

03-28-2009, 01:33 PM

I loved this, definately is one of my favs now. You really set a tone and mood in only two pages. Great stuff.

I think the bad guy is bad enough, no need for us to completely hate him. Oh, and if the girl is any less than 15 you would have a problem, but I think 16 is young enough to defend and still not be creepy.

Good Job.

Mark C

03-28-2009, 05:19 PM

The opening on this one had me glued to the script. It really sucks you into the action right away and it never lost my attention. I think this was a great example of the perfect blend of the descriptive yet short action blocks. Outside of agreeing that girl's age is very disturbing for what she is going through this story would show up on film really well. I liked the gun from a ghost part but that type of twist is totally my thing so I can see where others might not agree. I guess you can sort of find a compromise on it and have the ghost point out an ammunition depot or something but I really like it the way it is.

Rustom Irani

03-29-2009, 08:05 AM

This was a great, well paced Western. Would make Elmore Leonard proud.

I'd have preferred for Alaqua to be slightly older but the bleakness of the fictional reality will and does strike the audience hard, so it works in your favor.

Love the fact that you let the violence occur off screen. And the two monologues are just right.

The Face-off/shoot-out is something I'd want to witness like the one in "Unforgiven" and I wish you had room for it.

My favorite so far. True to form and genre.

All the ebst.

MrKilloran

03-30-2009, 01:09 AM

Its gritty, its bleak, and its a damn good western.

Please though don't use "we see" it ruins the flow of the story when you directly reference the audience,
we can see he wears a beard white with age, his face showing a webwork of wrinkles befitting a man with half a century behind him.

Maybe instead try "the firelight reveals..." or "he wears a beard white with age, prominent in the firelight..."

I was enamored with this all the way through, its some great work. :thumbsup:

preston

03-31-2009, 11:46 AM

notes as i read:

good start; nice description of the landscape and the RIDER.

wow he has quick hands, especially for someone who's weak and bloody. to catch a diamondback mid-strike is awesome, because i thought he was a gone-er for sure.

SEBASTIAN is beating a little girl... violent but intriguing. but who is he? all we get is "(30's)".

he's cooking the snake - nice! also, he now looks like Clint E. to me, haha.

he looks back at the knife and realizes... what? she's getting him whiskey for the wound? might consider leaving that word out. idk.

a DEAD MAN? what's going on?

ok, a ghost. got it.

i like how the Rider keeps saying "well goddamnit." it's his catchphrase, i guess.

TECH POINT: you don't need a new scene heading (EXT. DESERT HORIZON - NIGHT) when the Rider screams in pain. skip that and just let the action flow.

"excavated bullets" - nice.

not a good day for the little girl.

the ghost had a gun!? ok, why not... :)

"well goddamnit." haha awesome.

11-on-one odds... this is going to be good.

-------

wow, nice script; i enjoyed reading it. the title is cool, but it gave away the ending. no big deal there, but just my opinion.

EDIT: looks like you changed the title.. i really like "Comeuppance".

jamiejay

04-02-2009, 06:09 PM

well goddamnit... it's one of my favorites in the fest. loved it. very poetic writing, by the way... great alliteration, assonance, and rhythm. it made it nice to read and it counteracted the gritty mood of the story perfectly. nothing i would have changed at all. ;)

jamie

leepback

04-02-2009, 06:35 PM

I have to agree with the few that that suggested the girl might be too young. Granted this sort of thing would have happened, and still is today, and even to much younger girls, but I think your portrayal of it was a bit graphic. I think you could be a bit more suggestive rather than demostrative as the sounds coming from the sex act are a bit unecsssary and heading into a dangerous area.

This seems a bit unusual as I'm not overly prudish but it did worry me as peodophelia is such a social no-no and I did think it might ruin any aspirations you had with the life of this otherwise well written script.

I know you already disagreed with this sentiment but I need to give an honest appraisal.

arroway

04-08-2009, 01:49 AM

"graphic" audio? kind of seems like an oxymoron...

thank you for your thoughts regardless. definitely something to ponder.

leepback

04-08-2009, 02:17 AM

"graphic" audio? kind of seems like an oxymoron...

ha ha you're right. you seem to get my drift though.

cheers - I'll be keeping an eye out to see how well your script does regardless of my feelings it's fairly well told!

Sarah Daly

04-08-2009, 06:45 AM

I love this. beautifully visual, emotional, not cliched - Rider is a complex protagonist who is sympathetic despite his misdeeds - his redemption is satisfying. And the little girl is fantastic - so resilient but so tragic - just wonderful characters that we care about and flawless writing throughout. One of my favourites for certain!

Oh i especially loved :

Sprinkling sugar on a turd don't
make it a cake. You ever see a man
reminds you of me, avoid him like
the plague. If he persists after
you, shoot him. I have to go now.
My son of a bitch friend is waiting
for me.

Best last speech I ever heard! :)

Great job!!!

arroway

04-08-2009, 02:15 PM

thank you for your thoughts sarah. i appreciate it.

and LOL @ the thread stars going from 0 to 5 to 3. someone must feel...threatened? i don't know. what a stupid feature. i think i'd feel dirty after down-starring someone's thread, what's the point? the whole system seems childish.

but whoever's doing it, i sincerely hope you win. you're obviously in dire need of an ego boost...

:beer:

jamiejay

04-08-2009, 03:20 PM