Relentless

[LadyNatasha87]

This is my first attempt so be kind lol:





Relentless

One Mans Struggle To Find The Truth

[Ezekiel667]

Sounds interesting. Simple yet vague. Can't wait to read it.

[seansshack]

Welcome to the fest and look forward to the read.

[TimCollins]

Welcome! Sounds like a good one.

[LadyNatasha87]

Thanks guys I have been working on my script really hard so I hope that I will get some useful feedback from you all when you read it.

[LadyNatasha87]

http://i626.photobucket.com/albums/tt348/LadyMarie1987/DVXUser.jpg

Just taking a break from writing to have a play on photoshop lol!

[Ezekiel667]

Nice poster. Love the silhouette.

[LadyNatasha87]

Nice poster. Love the silhouette.
:dankk2:

[conlanforever]

Welcome to the fest. My first attempt at a script was for scriptfest 1 and the feedback from the fests is really invaluable as a learning tool.
Good to see you in the fest ;)

[LadyNatasha87]

Welcome to the fest. My first attempt at a script was for scriptfest 1 and the feedback from the fests is really invaluable as a learning tool.
Good to see you in the fest ;)

Thanks I am looking forward to seeing what people think of my entry and reading all of yours too.

[LadyNatasha87]

A couple of questions 1st. How do I show a voice over on my script? I know it is VO but where and how do I write it, does anyone have any examples I could have a look at please :)
Also, when and where do we upload our scripts?
Thanks

[conlanforever]

Isaac will post all the information about uploading when we get closer to the deadline.
I'll pm you an example of VO.

[LadyNatasha87]

Thanks, cheers I would really appreciate that :D

[TimCollins]

Cool poster! :thumbup:

[jamiejay]

welcome! can't wait to read your script :)

jamie

[jamiejay]

ooh am i the first to comment? nice... ;)


hard to believe this is your first script! you did a terrific job!

i love the set up of the story, and the way it's told through voice overs works well. i could picture everything clearly so your description was effective: "sweat droplets accumulate on his forehead", "a silhouette of a cowboy standing in the horizon", etc.

i love how this script doesn't take itself too seriously. i could almost picture the flashback scene as a black and white silent film, complete with the dust and scratches on the reel... it had that type of feel to it with everyone going silent in unison at the sound of sam's name... i could even picture some of the action in fast motion and with exaggerated facial expressions... like when sam runs out of the house in a rage and she falls to the ground crying... like an old silent film.

my only disappointment was that we never got to see sam in the present day. i wanted to find out if he gets his revenge or not... i wanted him to come into the saloon with guns blazing, or maybe he was one of the cowboys sitting around the table the whole time... idk.

there are some spelling errors that you would want to fix to tighten it up (we all make typos), but nothing too distracting.

one last thing... was she setting someone up by tearing her own clothes and acting as if she were attacked?

nice work :)

[Bridget D.]

Just wanted to say I enjoyed reading your script. The script I submitted is only my second, so for all those technical details - someone else will have to give you feedback. As far as the story goes, I do agree with jamiejay that the ending kind of leaves you up in the air a bit. I want to read the sequel!

Also I love that you named the deputy Humbledinck...I laughed. Great name for a deputy.

[Keth Andril]

This seems like something much larger. I'd love to hear the rest of the story, but obviously that couldn't be carried out in 7 pages. It was well written, if a bit cliche, but it does have the interesting twist of letting outsiders comment on what actually happened. It gives it an almost mythological feeling. Overall, I like it, I just wish I could know what happened.

[TimCollins]

It was well written but I also agree with Keth here. I'd like to know more!

I do like the twist in the end that Penny was actually having an affair with the sheriff and it was never Humbledinck to begin with. (By the way, the name Humbledinck cracked me up, props on that one). But if all this information was discovered after Sam left, how would be find out? I guess that all ties into wanting more information at the end. Also, as others have said I think after all that talk about him, we should've met Sam at the end. I really liked jamie's idea of Sam being one off the men sitting around the bar, that would've been a cool twist.

But for your first screenplay you did an awesome job!

[LadyNatasha87]

Wow, I can't believe that so many of you have read my script :) I tried to get my boyfriend to read it the other day but he refused :crybaby: so the fact that so many of you have read my script makes me feel very honoured. Thanks everyone who has read it :beer:

Now to answer your questions:


ooh am i the first to comment? nice... ;) was she setting someone up by tearing her own clothes and acting as if she were attacked?

First off thanks Jamie for being the first too comment :thumbup:
The answer to your question is yes, she did tear her own clothes to set up Humbledinck because when he came around to see her. He told her that she must stop the affair or he would tell Sam. Unfortunately, within the 7 pages I couldn't really get that across but this is something that is explored in the full version. Also, Penny Roads character in the full version is built up so that she looks all innocent and sweet but then all her secrets, lies and betrayal come out one by one so that the deception is not just with Sam but with the audience as well. I tried my hardest to get as much of this across in the script as i possibly could. :)


I love that you named the deputy Humbledinck...I laughed. Great name for a deputy.
Thanks Bridget :dankk2:I never knew how hard it was to come up with Character names until this western competition. he he. I thought Humbledinck is quite cute and light hearted. I'm glad that it put a smile on your faces :)


I really liked jamie's idea of Sam being one off the men sitting around the bar, that would've been a cool twist.

Yeah, I have to admit that it never crossed my mind to have him sitting in the saloon the whole time. But yes I agree that would have made a great ending. Wish I had thought of that. he he. :beer:


I just wish I could know what happened.

Thanks Keth, well the way it goes is that Sam came back because he heard the rumours about the affair. He comes back to have a showdown with the Sheriff. However, when he comes back he see's Penny Road and the child that is now 5 years old. He is dressed up in a sheriff's outfit and running around the shack pretending to shoot the 'bad guys'. Penny sees Sam and realises the hurt that she caused him. Howeverm now Penny lives with the Sheriff who is not so happy to see Sam back in town. Penny tries to make things up to Sam but the Sheriff refuses to let her see him. It all ends with a bloody battle in which we find out that the child was indeed Sams and not the Sheriffs. Something that the Sheriff didn't know either. Sam dies in Penny's arms and the Sheriff leaves town for good.

I hope that you like it. I was very nervous with this being my first ever script. But you guys are very helpful and your comments are very interesting and very much appreciated.

It means a lot to me that you all took the time to read and comment on my script so :dankk2:everyone. Lets hope the voting goes well :beer:
Nat

[conlanforever]

Very good first attempt.
I agree with the post, saying the VO gives it almost a mythological feel, I'd agree with that and it was interesting to hear others commenting as the story is told.

That first action block needs to be broken up (sometimes with a page limit it has to be compressed) white space is your friend and it'll make for a quicker easier read. Spell out your numbers as well. Try to keep your action block five lines at the most, its lot more inviting to read. Something like this.


It is the middle of the day and the saloon bar is full with
cowboys. The atmosphere is one of merryment and laughter.
drunken cowboys fall over tables and stools whilst burlesque
dancers walk elegantly from the saloon doors through to the
stage floor in preperation for there performance.


In the corner of the bar there is a small table of 5 cowboys. They all seem to be emotionally detached from the hussle and
bussle of the rest of the bar and are concentrating intently
on there poker game.


Four of the cowboys are men whom are all smoking cigars and drinking whiskey.


The fifth cowboy is a clean, young boy with no facial hair. He is clearly unexperienced and naive but he tries to keep up with the four other cowboys and act like a man. The YOUNG COWBOY clears his throat before uttering most nervously.


That said, I thought you wrote the action well and it was very clear what was going on. I liked your descriptions as well, nice work.
I like the young cowboy character as well.

You have a nice story here and so far I'm alone on the ending, because I was fine with it being open ended as far as to what happens afterward, but that you leave it a question.

I do like the sentiment of seeing Sam again in the here and now. Maybe the last scene is him standing outside the Sheriffs house and then fade out, giving us a hint , but leaving us to wonder as well.

Nice work, a lot of potential here. My best advice is write, write, write. :thumbsup:

[NJPage]

Hi Natasha! I'm new at this too, so take all the wonderful advice from the 'wise ones' and just let me say that I really enjoyed your script. Yes, it could have done with another page maybe and a sharper ending... and a wee spell-check... he-he...
But what you do have is an engaging writing style, and as a young person (I'm nearly 60... sucks!) time on your side to grow in your craft. Well done Hen! (Hen, is Scottish vernacular - an endearing term for a young woman)

[lawriejaffa]

Boo what a bad boyfriend - not reading your script - you need to get him housetrained. There are many ways for a girl to do this *ahem* but one of the easiest is to kidnap hid Die Hard Trilogy DVD box set (just hide it in the fridge with the vegetables) or in a large bowl of fruit (men will never look in there!) That way you can make him read it! Trust me it'll work ;)

However I have read your script without any such coercion.

Conlan makes a great and very interesting point - that the Voice Over does lend a mythological feel to the story - and this helps to lend it a more epic quality. However the informality and jocular nature of the characters also gives this piece a warmer slightly (very slightly) good humoured feel. That is not to say comedic (overtly) but slightly very slightly!!

This all works - and the twist does too. It leaves us with interesting questions for what would happen next! I think areas that could be further developed would be our characters around the table - slight quirks and traits to seperate (cowboy 1 from cowboy 3) etc.

It would be good too if the young cowboy could learn something from this story that makes its telling relevant to him.

So for example say the setup was young cowboy being anxious or stupid about something, but by learning this story (and from Sam's circumstances) he can learn something to let him fix the problem in own life etc. (Oh how terribly worded that was) but that might give a bigger sense of closure. As we are left looking for the end (thinking so whta happens next for Sam) fine for an episode hehe but such additions could help it get completion.

The dialogue was chirpy and the atmosphere good, i think this is a fine debut script that you can be proud of and is certainly better than mine ever was!

[xxrotinivol2]

Good vision, compelling story, need more action.

I liked reading the fable-Western. The set-up made me want to know who “one shot” is. Classic western name—all the names are fantastic. I was quickly drawn into the story, and I wanted to know what was going to happen next.

Because there is no interaction between One-Shot and the guys talking about him, I’m unsure about the decision to have them have such a big part and as much screen time. I’d like them as bookends, not the main voice over thread. They don’t have names, which is a good choice, but I’m having difficult visually seeing this as a film. A lot of it is the guys sitting around playing poker, a good framing device, but I do not think it should be the main visual focus. It’s reading to me more of a play than a movie. Adding to that point, the images were often not compelling enough—Penny by a window, men at a bar. It made the story feel flat when I tried to “watch” it.

I like where the characters go, but I don’t understand all their motivations. Why would Penny have an affair if she was with a madman? Usually madmen require more respect, and I mean their relationship was pretty legitimate. If she loved Humbledinck, why wouldn’t she do her best to protect him? I also want to see Humbledinck be more of an adversary than a coward. He’s rivals with One Shot—shares the woman, dies because of it. I wanted some foul and awesome exchange.

[LadyNatasha87]

That first action block needs to be broken up (sometimes with a page limit it has to be compressed) white space is your friend and it'll make for a quicker easier read. Spell out your numbers as well. Try to keep your action block five lines at the most, its lot more inviting to read.

Thanks Conlan, Yeah I agree. I have to thank you for your advice and help not only on here but also with the voice over. You were very kind :dankk2:


Well done Hen! (Hen, is Scottish vernacular - an endearing term for a young woman)

:crybaby:oh ok :huh: I will take your word for that lol. Just kidding. What is a Scottish vernacular for a man. (I hope I said that right lol) :)


Boo what a bad boyfriend - not reading your script - you need to get him housetrained. There are many ways for a girl to do this *ahem* but one of the easiest is to kidnap hid Die Hard Trilogy DVD box set (just hide it in the fridge with the vegetables) or in a large bowl of fruit (men will never look in there!) That way you can make him read it! Trust me it'll work ;)

:thumbup: Excellent. I will have to try that. I mean he did the whole 'Oh go on then... I better read it...' lol but so far nothing has materialised. lol.



It would be good too if the young cowboy could learn something from this story that makes its telling relevant to him.

Yes, I like this idea alot. Like it has a moral undertone that the young cowboys picks up on. :dankk2:

I like where the characters go, but I don’t understand all their motivations. Why would Penny have an affair if she was with a madman? Usually madmen require more respect, and I mean their relationship was pretty legitimate.

Yes, I agree. This is something I would have worked on more to develop. But indeed something I will be considering for the final piece. :beer:

Thanks for all your comments so far. Keep them coming. This is like a free Script Writing School :D

[DarkElastic]

Hi Natasha, I have just read your script, thanks for the read.

This was a good script with a good story. I liked the settling, with the three older cowboys telling a legend to the younger cowboy who has heard a name in a overheard conversation. You created a very good legend with a nice twist to the legend.
My problems with this, at first I thought I hadn't printed it all out as it just ended with no indication it had ended, and it ends so abruptly. It is great that you have made is want more, but as intelligent people we need more and you had the pages to do it!
It also would have been nice to get to know our story tellers, find out who is retelling the legend, even a name...

Overall, a good script, but could have been much more complete. Well done though.

[LadyNatasha87]

My problems with this, at first I thought I hadn't printed it all out as it just ended with no indication it had ended, and it ends so abruptly. It is great that you have made is want more, but as intelligent people we need more and you had the pages to do it!
It also would have been nice to get to know our story tellers, find out who is retelling the legend, even a name...

Hi thanks for the comments DarkElastic,

I think that I am coming way to addicted to this website now lol.

However, i understand your problems with it and I think that the reason I left our parts is just simply due to my naivety in this area. I haven't ever written a script before so this was my first attempt. I am however, going to sit down tonight and adjust it so that I can have a completed script that I can be proud of. I am so glad that you enjoyed reading my script. It was something I worked hard on but I think I thought to much on what was going to happen and didn't write it clear enough for the reader.

Thanks for your comment :D

:dankk2:

[DarkElastic]

It's all about becoming better at it and the only way to do it is to keep writing... So keep writing Natasha.

[LadyNatasha87]

I've adjusted the script and I think that it is much better. If anyone wants to have a look at the final version then please PM me and I will send you a copy. I hope that you all like it.

[LadyNatasha87]

Typical, I let my other half read my entry and he takes the piss out of it.

Kept making jokes about it. Me and Him kept laughing for about 30 - 45 mins.. Was sooooooooooooooo funny!

[TimCollins]

This is like a free Script Writing School :D

So true. The feedback really is priceless here.

[Blaine]

I simply cannot believe how many folks from the UK have written westerns.

I see this is your first script and you've done quite a job for a first script.

Now, on to the script. When it opened I could hear the difference between British English and American English in your writing...words like "whilst" instead of "while" and a couple other phrasings. It either disappear by the second page or I had gotten into your story enough to no longer notice.

Just from a technical standpoint, it's not really required to put a CUT TO between scenes, as nowadays it's pretty well understood that you're cutting from one scene to another. I'd only use it to emphasize the cut. I thought you over did the fade to black a little, too. I think if I was going to use it in this story I'd have limited it to the transitions to and from the bar scene and "story" scene. Also, let your parentheticals stand apart from your dialogue.


SAM
(Angry and hurt)Who done this?

PENNY ROAD
(sobbing)I..I.. (sobbing
harder)

SAM
(Shouting) WHO DONE THIS?

would be better as:

SAM
(angry and hurt)
Who done this?

PENNY ROAD
(sobbing)
I...I...
(sobbing harder)

SAM
(shouting)
WHO DONE THIS?
Also be careful with "here" and "hear" AND "there" and "their"

I thought the story telling dialogue was wordy and could use some tightening up.

The ending on this really felt rushed. So much information divulged (through dialogue, I might add) at the end and then it just stopped.

You did well considering this was your first script. I don't think I'd want anyone to see my first. Keep at it and continue to learn and grow.

[LadyNatasha87]

Wow, Blaine.

Thank you some up to date information. The info about the 'cut to' is brilliant thank you.
Cheers :D

[LadyNatasha87]

There are some brilliant scripts on here :D

[MrKilloran]

Why wouldn't your boyfriend read your work... thats not very nice. You should teach him a lesson or two.:nads:

Break up your action blocks instead of having really lengthy paragraphs. Tighten it up and trim it in order to help with the flow.
YOUNG COWBOY
One shot SAM
I was in the SHERIFF’s office the other day and I heard them talking about it.
You don't need to capitalize character names in dialogue, only when they're described in action blocks, ie: physically present in the scene. Then after the first time it doesn't need to be capitalized again.

Would have liked more, there is a lot of exposition at the end that could benefit from some more visual storytelling and I would have liked to see Sam in the "present" of the story especially because of how abruptly the end comes. It needs something more.

Good job for your first time. Keep at it, practice and rewrites are key, and you'll keep improving. :beer:

[LadyNatasha87]

MrKilloran (http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/member.php?u=34810) Thank you so much for all your advice there. It has been very valuable. I have re-written my script with all the advice I have received from everyone and I would really appreciate it if someone would read my revised script and let me know there thoughts. If any one would be kind enough to read it for me and provide more feedback please PM me.

Kind Regards

LadyNatasha87

[Mark C]

What great names! One Shot Sam, Penny Road, Deputy Humbledinck. These were very imaginative and grabbed my attention right away. I think you have a great twist in there at the end when we find out that Sam killed the wrong guy and left his family for nothing. I also enjoyed your dialogue and pacing. The only suggestion I might have is maybe not needing quite as many Cowboys to tell the story. You might be able to do it with just two and somehow twist the story again by working one of them into the tale. Just some thoughts but it was a great story and fun to read. Thank you for sharing it!

[lawriejaffa]

Exactly - theres definately a bonus point in there for you Natasha for best use of the name Humbledinck! :)!

[LadyNatasha87]

lol and there was me worrying that it might distract from the story lol ;)

Thanks guys all your comments are brilliant.

Thanks :D

[Sarah Daly]

hey Natasha!

Aside from comments about tightening up the writing and technical stuff that everybody's covered - this was a really strong little story! And all that technical stuff is easy to learn but coming up with a good idea is the important thing so well done!
My only real criticism is that it ended too soon - it just sort of stopped and by this stage you'd really built momentum so I'd say go back and add another half a page even to tie it up. Although, as it is, it does feel like a real snippet of cowboy life - great job for a first script - especially in such a difficult genre (in my opinion). :)
Keep writing!!!

[Daryl Glenn]

It has caught my attention .

[LadyNatasha87]

In a good way I hope lol :D Thanks for all your comments. I am currently writing a script for a rom com and will publish it here as soon as it is finished for your critique!

Thanks again