Lawmen

[REHov520]

http://www.ariehovenkamp.com/LawmenPoster.jpg


I just finished a rough draft of this...it's about 2 pages over so I'll have to perform some trimmage:

LAWMEN
An idealistic young man breaks his father's old friend out of jail to help him take revenge against those who wrongly imprisoned him, and in doing so learns a great deal about who his father really was.

[TimCollins]

Welcome, sounds cool! :thumbup:

[lawriejaffa]

Sound like a classic yarn my friend - looking forward to it! Im one of those guys that likes a good solid story (without so many gimmicks and angles to it) So good luck!

[REHov520]

Since not many people were responding to my lame logline I decided to go all out and make the melodramatic poster which you now see above. I also added to the logline.

[conlanforever]

I think the extended logline works, creates some mystery about the father/son relationship.

[jamiejay]

like the poster! good luck! :)

jamie

[NJPage]

Hiya! Loved your dialogue, it read very natural / believable Not to much gore, which I find (secret... a bit 'yawn' making). Overall your script made for a good solid read. Only crit. - a wee bit to much of an explanetary ending... But I liked it anyway!

[DarkElastic]

Hi REHov, I read your script and enjoyed the journey.

SPOILERS*

I thought is was well crafted with good dialogue and good characters. I think it was really brave to attempt quite a conflicting piece with regards to character development, especially ED who has to accept he was wrong and what his father told him was wrong. I think he could have done something when he was told by Rose that his father was involved in the murders, as he does love his dad and his reputation so it should be more soul destroying.
I think the ending is really satisfying and a great final statement.

Overall, a really strong script. Well done.

[REHov520]

hey guys,

thanks for the feedback. i agree that last line at the end is too explanatory...it used to be a lot shorter and vague, but then my friend read it and didn't really understand what had happened in the past, so i tried to make it more clear at the cost of making it obvious exposition. oh well.

i also agree that ed's reaction should be more "soul destroying," it's just at that point i had about a third of a page left before i hit the page limit. that's something i'd work on if i keep going with this.

thanks!

[lawriejaffa]

Righto! This was an intriguing coming of age story for ol' Ed, and the natural dialogue and mature drama - with its twist fell very nicely into place. This was quite a compassionate tale which places it in the minority of the nihilistic visions we've enjoyed this fest!

There was a tragic element to this piece too that was not overtly dramatised and so remained understated. This would lead to the piece being somewhat somber but the youthful energy of Ed keeps things moving along and from becoming too depressing.

With a drama like this we are not confronted with any particularly memorable villains or charactersr (in the pulp manner) its a straight drama and it does it well. The arc for Ed is fairly effective but more could be made of it (as thats the heart of the story.)

What is it the Ed finds to endearing about what Luke represents (probably his romantic memories of his dead father) - from seeing what Luke has become though, there is great potential in expanding on just how that affects Ed. Ed ends up shooting his father figure (he certainly would not have meant to do that!)

That change from realising Luke ain't great- and to arresting him - could do with a little more substance (as he's pretty balsy to try and arrest the guy after he spends the first half crapping his pants!) I mean after Shotgun Luke takes down those dudes, i would probably not be trying to arrest him myself - (most wouldnt) so Ed could do with more motivation perhaps. I mean its plausible as is - but there is some more 'journey' to be had with Ed that would give this short script even more oomph!

All in all, a very natural, solid, mature drama!

[Blaine]

Interesting story. This one had some promise. It had what I would consider a major plot hole, though. Luke had supposedly murdered people and he's sitting in a town jail cell for the past three years. Frontier justice in the Old West would have had him judged, convicted and then hanged from the neck until dead. At the very least, he should have been in a penitentiary. He'd have never been there for so long.

Next, it seemed just a little too easy for the kid to break him out, especially, since he came through the cell block with other guards.

I like the relationship you built between Luke and Ed. I especially liked how the kid didn't know the truth about Luke and his own father. I'd have liked to known more about the original crime...the why and how of it. But you've got quite a bit crammed in your 10 pages now so perhaps that's a story for another day.

Oh, one other thing. I find it a bit surprising that Ed didn't have a gun, particularly since he was breaking a man out of jail. But that's not a biggy, just surprising.

I think some of the dialogue could have been tightened up a bit. Just go through it, perhaps you and your friend reading the parts and tighten everything up where it might feel wordy or unnatural.

There seemed to be a little too much exposition at the end. I think with a little creativity you might be able to overcome that.

It was a quick read, though, and kept me reading to find out was going to happen. Overall, I think you should be fairly happy with this as an early draft.

Good job.

[conlanforever]

This works well as a good dramatic story and it kept my interest til the end. The action, descriptions nicely written and it flowed well.

I had a few minor nitpicks, but they've already been addressed by Blaine as far as 3 years in a small town jail etc. and the exposition at the end.

I liked the characters that you created, especially Ed and I was really rooting for the kid. A nice turn of events when he finds out about his Dad, really good dramatic turn.

I enjoyed the read, nicely done!

[TimCollins]

This was a good one.

Well written and formatted, no nitpicks there.

I liked the overall story. I felt like I understood and was behind Luke's character at the beginning until he got out of jail and started turning bad again. Then Ed took over as the hero.

One thing I wondered about is why Luke just keeps talking calmly as he is being shot at. I guess it's hard of his insanity and disconnection from reality.

Anyway, good story well told!

[NJPage]

Hi again! I've been doing re-reads on scripts and just to say, I'm starting to get the darker tone better, second time around. Agree that both the action and the dialogue could do with pulling in... Luke especially would come across tougher with more scant/terse lines.
But, I'm liking even more on 2nd read.

[xxrotinivol2]

I enjoyed the read. There are a few things that make this script stand out to me. You've made a serious story, with a core group of characters, all with logical motives for doing what they do. Ed is the kid whose in over his head, Luke has a fitful of rage, and Rose is saddened to see Luke back.

My only qualm, and it's small, is that I want to know more about Rose's feelings for Tom, and why she wouldn't do something to stop the murder she knew would happen to her current husband. She knows Luke just fine. I want some sort of interchange between her and Ed about making sure he doesn't do too much. Was Tom having an affair or something that made it so Rose didn't love Tom? I'd like some support there.

It's nice reading a solid Western-drama that has a good deal of action that's vivid but not over the top, and characters that make sense. Luke Jr. is going to have an interesting time growing up when the legend spreads. Good job. Fun, easy read.

[MrKilloran]

Very engaging and enjoyable read.

Great characters and their motivations are laid out precisely and clear, would have liked a little more about Dan and Luke's history.

I've got to agree with Blaine on the exposition and loophole but its some good work.

[seansshack]

Solid work. Formatting and structure was spot on. Character development was very good also.

I have a concern with parts of the plot/story but from what I have read on this thread, I've been beaten to the punch.

In all enjoyed it and professionally presented.

Well done.

[REHov520]

Yeah, I was aware of some of those plot issues going in....I guess I was just hoping people weren't smart enough to notice them. But I guess not. I decided on three years because it seemed like a short enough time to keep Luke in jail for realistically, but long enough to put some distance between the current and past events. However, since a number of you called me out on it I'll work to change that up. I'll also try and smooth out that terrible expository line at the end from Rose. I struggled to fit this one down to 10 pages and that line was the result of that struggle.

Thanks!

[Mark C]

Great beginning and a pretty funny opening line! The dialogue at the start was so good that it sucked me in right away. I love the fact that Ed's trust in Luke came completely from what his father had told him. It set up the perfect emotional betrayal and it's well told in these few pages. We go through this betrayal with Ed because Luke seems really likable at the beginning of the story. I know it's hard to get into Tom Elm's story but I think we really do need a little more about his nature to get a feel for what kind of a person Rose was.

[jamiejay]

i like the opening piss scene... funny. though i can't figure out why luke would want piss... lol

the story was well told. there was an interesting dynamic going on there. though, for some reason, i kept expecting ed to have some ulterior motives for helping luke escape. not sure why.

i did find it hard to sympathize with rose since she was having an affair with someone who seems like a complete jerk himself...

on the whole, however, it was a good script with a lot of potential. :)

[leepback]

Late in here. Probably echo a lot of what has already been said.
Mostly well written but a bit unclear motivationally.

I'd like to know what caused LUKE to turn into such a badass from a nice husband/lawman.

I know it's difficult to fit in 10 pages but you could loose the bit about the gun handover ceremony - it doesn't really achieve anything plot-wise as far as I can remember.

[arroway]

the opening scene is great. moves along very quickly, takes you immediately into the story.

"Sitting beside him Ed can barely hold himself
together, his foot nervously tapping to the beat of his own
anxiety."

nice line.

"LUKE
I want a night alone with my
family. Come by in the morning"

awesome.

i love how he doesn't let them plead their case and doesn't go on some boorish spiel before killing them. he just does it. that's the old west in a nutshell.

"ED
Tom Elm didn’t kill those
prospectors, did he? Luke did."

i don't understand how he suddenly knows this. i also don't understand ed's initial motivation to help luke escape, the reason that he was his late dad's friend seems a little thin...

[REHov520]

Thanks arroway!

The reason he broke Luke out was not only because it was his dad's friend, but also because he believes he was innocent and wrongfully imprisoned. You're right though that it's sort of a stretch for him to suddenly realize this. I was trying to show that Ed thinks of Luke as this perfect law-abiding sheriff, but after he kills Tom so cold-bloodedly he suddenly realizes his perception of the guy is all wrong. But you're right...he should have more concrete evidence that he's innocent before he tries to put him back in jail. I wanted to fit another scene in there to accomplish this but never got around to jamming it into the 10 pages.

Thanks!

[arroway]

what if you mention that the original killings, each of the men had been disposed of in a two shot, heart-head combination and then when luke kills the three guys in front of ed, he shoots each of them in the same way?

you'd have to change his rifle to a revolver and then have him give the rifle to ed instead of the pistol...