A Train to Kansas City

[krestofre]

A Train to Kansas City

Logline: A train conductor accepts the task of delivering a letter for a wild west legend; unfortunately bullets are involved.

I thought about calling this one 3:10 to Kansas City, but that sounded too familiar. :)

This is a smaller script (in scope, not page count) than I've written for past fests. I'm curious to see how it plays.

[TimCollins]

Sounds cool!

[seansshack]

Looking forward to the read.

[conlanforever]

I like the premise. Curious to see who the legend is, unless it doesn't matter, perhaps it remains a mystery? or is it a fictional legend?
I suppose I'll have to wait and read. Looking forward to it.

[krestofre]

I'll spill that much of the plot. It's a fictional legend. His legend status plays into the narrative, hence the focus.

[Nektonic]

This one sounds pretty darn good. Good luck with the writing. I can't wait to read it.

[Keth Andril]

The tagline ought to be "Don't shoot the messenger." : P

Can't wait to read this one. Sounds liek it has an interesting twist.

[krestofre]

That is a good tagline. I hadn't bothered to think of a tagline yet.

[jamiejay]

hey krestofre.... i hope you are still entering. looking forward to reading your script. :)

jamie

[RodThompson]

This was a well-written story, with some really good visuals. On the whole, I dug the story. I was waiting for something bigger in the end, but it was a quaint, emotional farewell. So in that, it was good.

A lot of the dialogue was somewhat cliche, "nobody be a hero" but the action sequences paid off. I especially liked where Rook still insisted that Samuel still delivered the envelope. Something trusting and very bold, even for a nefarious character.

Bad boys still have feelings...

I really can't nit-pick too much about it. So KUDOS on a very well written script.

[DarkElastic]

I enjoyed your script Krestofre.

It was a simple story but well written. As already noted above, some of the dialogue was very cliche and some of it didn't fit, for example the Engineer saying 'I thought you were looking after the passengers.' something simpler would have sufficed here. The ending was very heart felt and some really nice action in there.

Overall though, a good, simple story with good characters, good action sequences and a nice heart felt ending. Well done.

[lawriejaffa]

Well this was a good romp with a sentimental sweet ending! Some have remarked about the dialogue being cliche - maybe in parts but for me that wasn't such an issue. Sometimes using more obvious means of communication allow the focus to rest on other parts of the story (if your not gonna hit us with some outstanding monologues or one liners then the plot might - or the action scenes etc!)

I got a little bit lost with the number of brothers and characters ( I read again and it was fine!) and I enjoyed the action scenes. I would like to know why Rook is such a bad ass hehe, there is no real indication (if he was based on a famous historical chap that would perhaps be easier on the grey cells.)

For the conductor its all about the letter - and its a great set up (great locations - great idea for the main character.)

I guess we letter is delivered in person because its bad news and Rook hoped it would be read etc? I think it works but for some the pay off might not be enough or the ending might seem quaint. It also makes the major component of the action of the script a little circumstantial to this end (to some).

[krestofre]

As always, thanks so much for the comments. I apprecaite everyones' time on behalf of this script.

I am very surprised by peoples' reaction to Rook. More on this later, but I'm curious what other reviewers will take from it.

[lawriejaffa]

Not to be a pest but are you surprised by my reaction too? I look forward to you expanding on that!

[krestofre]

You're not a pest at all. And yes, I'm surprised, but I want the script to exist on it's own for a bit more before I address it.

[conlanforever]

I enjoyed this tale. I can understand what some are saying about the dialogue, however I was okay with it, as the whole mood of it (dialogue included) felt very much like a classic western tale. Which is a good thing.
"So much for guarantees" I like this line and Samuel.

When Rook appears on the train, it created a bit of a question. Why doesn't he deliver the letter himself then? But of course this is the crux of the story.

I think that question is answered perfectly with the ending. The one thing that Rook the tough cowboy couldn't do is face Rose and give her the bad news himself. I liked that it ended on an emotional punch.

Really enjoyable read!

[krestofre]

I think that question is answered perfectly with the ending. The one thing that Rook the tough cowboy couldn't do is face Rose and give her the bad news himself. I liked that it ended on an emotional punch.


Bingo! That's what I expected.

[Blaine]

This felt like something I'd have seen back in the 50s.

I would have cared more about the ending if I had any idea who Rook was. After all, he was "the Rook Carver." Lawman? Criminal? This is his story but we get a better attachment to Samuel.

What was Danny's relationship to Rook...brother, friend, colleague? And for that matter, what was Rook's relationship to Rose?

Some of these questions are a bit more than might fit within the length of screenplay BUT I certainly believe it would be good to know who Rook Carver is.

Overall, I enjoyed your script but wanted to know more about the lead character.

[lawriejaffa]

Again copying Blaine's sentiments, i think he articulates what id have liked a bit more of - though I get the ending you go for and and as a 'point' it works really well, but i think its impact is limited from our lack of knowlege that Blaine cites. Something easily remedied in a slightly longer script though?

[Mark C]

For me, this was a super smooth read Krestofre! I like some of the motivating factors you had in the story. For example, the way the passengers on the train are controlled by the threat of blowing up the engines. I also enjoyed how Rook handled Bull at the end. Like, some of the other comments, the only note I had was in regards to Rook and who he is. Everyone seems to know of him and there may be room towards the end to work in a cool twist that establishes why. It could even include Rose and Danny (who he spoke of in the letter.) At any rate, I'm just glad that Bull and the Lowrey Brothers got what they deserved!

[Sarah Daly]

I have to say the dialogue worked pretty well for me. And the way you write action is great - descriptive without being distracting. I especially like this:

"Charlie doesn’t even have time to look up before
the gun fires carving a tunnel through his skull. "


Great visual.

The numbers of characters introduced at the start was a little confusing but the important ones
are all fleshed out later, so this isn't a major issue.

As others have said, the emotional ending feels a little odd juxtaposed with the hardcore action of the second act, but both do work and i like that you pretty much successfully intertwine several strores and subplots.

Very accomplished writing and a complex and well thought out story - great work!

[TimCollins]

I really liked this one alot.

Loved the dialogue, especially that of Samuel who definitely had a unique, mild-mannered charm about him in the midst of all these badass train robbers and gunslingers - it made him an easy-to-like character.

As Sarah mentioned, the "carving a tunnel through his skull" line is a great visual and makes it that much more fun to read.

I do admit I was expecting a little more of an explosive ending, judging from the previous action. But the emotional ending was fine for me I didn't have a problem with it at all. I think it showed that even though Rook is a hardened badass he still has feelings.

Very well written man, one of my favorites so far.

[krestofre]

This felt like something I'd have seen back in the 50s.

Is that a positive or a negative? :)

Thanks everyone for the continued feedback. I really find it valuable and am taking everything to heart. This was very much meant to feel like a classic western with a twist on the archetypal bad mofo gunslinger.

A few questions, if I may, to help me improve as a screenwriter.

Those who were hoping for / expecting a grander ending, my thought was that the train stand off is the climax on the piece and the letter delivery is kind of an epilogue. And as far as explosions go, Bull covered that for us. So is there something in the setup or execution of the script that has you thinking there's going to be more?

Those who were wanting more back story out of Rook, I'm curious what would have satisfied. I had about 3/4 of a page left before I hit the magic number of 10, so doing a flashback wouldn't really have fit. I couldn't start the script with Rook in Carson City. The best idea I've come up with after reading the feedback is to maybe add some dialog like "I heard about what you did. Cleaning up Carson City from the Butch Winfield Gang" or something like that. Would that have been enough? I completely agree that knowing more about Rook would connect the audience to the story more. I'm just curious how strong I need to address that, or if a subtle touch would suffice.

Thanks for your comments and opinons!

[Blaine]

Is that a positive or a negative? :)It's a good thing.


maybe add some dialog like "I heard about what you did. Cleaning up Carson City from the Butch Winfield Gang" or something like that. Would that have been enough? I completely agree that knowing more about Rook would connect the audience to the story more. I'm just curious how strong I need to address that, or if a subtle touch would suffice.Something like that would have let us know which side of the fence he was on.

[chris f]

krestofre,

Congrats on the script and thanks for being apart of the fest.

Here's my feedback: When Bull Johnson has the stick of dynamite in his mouth I think it would help to mention how far away from the back of the train he is or how long the fuse is. If memory serves me correct the train was just starting to move and as slow as trains get going I would think he would have to be pretty far for the explosion not to affect the train. Also, I had to read it twice before I knew that he was for sure outside of the train. It says Ext. Train but it doesn't say where he's sitting.

Also, on the ending I feel like there is no hint at why Rook didn't deliver the letter himself. I get the feeling that Rook and Danny were very close, but despite how non-emotional or socially awkward Rook is I feel like there is no reason for him to not deliver the letter. Maybe if we learned that there was something between Rook and Rose that's preventing him from making the delivery we'd understand. For example, maybe Rose didn't want Danny taking this last job, but Rook convinced him to take it and Rose hates him for it.

[TimCollins]

When Bull Johnson has the stick of dynamite in his mouth.

This reminded me of something I thought of when I was reading the script, albeit VERY minor and inconsequential but...

Wouldn't he just spit the dynamite out? Unless it was taped or tied around his mouth...

[seansshack]

Similar advice for descriptions here - would divide up shots into separate paragraphs.

example:

Charlie shoves Samuel back into the passenger car. Skeet
rushes in and fires his gun in the air gaining the attention
of every passenger.

would flow better as :

Charlie shoves Samuel back into the passenger car.

Skeet rushes in and fires his gun in the air gaining the attention
of every passenger.

Also stick the (O.S.) beside characters names rather than below - again only minor formatting issue.

Liked your visual descriptions here. Very well written and we all could learn from your descriptive style.

Story flowed well from start to finish. I was wondering why he didn't deliver it himself or use the mail. But you answered it very well in the end - he wasn't able but like the way he observed it from afar. Very "silent hero" in execution. I wanted to know more about him, how he knew her etc - which is good. This could branch out easily into a longer piece.

In all captured the genre perfectly. Reminded me of the westerns I grew up watching.

Great job.

[krestofre]

Wouldn't he just spit the dynamite out? Unless it was taped or tied around his mouth...

When Rook Carver puts a stick of dynamite in your mouth, it STAYS there. Got it? :grin:



Also stick the (O.S.) beside characters names rather than below - again only minor formatting issue.

Never! :evil: Long story short. Both methods are acceptable in script formatting, and every fest someone has said "put the O.S. beside the character name." It's become an amusing point of pride for me. :)

Thanks for the feedback. Sean, you example of flow is dead-on. Thanks for pointing it out.

Chris, not giving you the reason for Rook not delivering the letter is something I left intentionally vague, and judging from the comments that has been successful half the time, and a point of criticism half the time. So it's something I'm pondering. My personal opinion is that the ambiguity allows people to bring their own emotional take to the story. Perhaps I'm wrong. Thank you for your opinion.

[seansshack]

never! :evil: Long story short. Both methods are acceptable in script formatting, and every fest someone has said "put the o.s. Beside the character name." it's become an amusing point of pride for me. :)

lol!!!!

[Frank Witkam]

I liked your set-up with the train. The introduction of the characters was really well done, every time in the script. I also liked the fact that it felt like such a classic western story, the first one I've come by so far. The only major point that doesn't work for me is the plot. Why doesn't Rook deliver the letter himself, or by mail?

Quite enjoyable read still.

[NJPage]

yup... 'twas a good read, well written and I would have felt safe aboard with Rook Carver. It's funny, and maybe just the female (an old bird realy!) mind at work here, but I sorta got the notion that Rook and Rose had a wee bit of a past... and that's why he felt akward/guilty delivering the letter himself. Hey - a sequel... Rook and Rose marry... have kids etc... Sorry I'm not being facetious, just don't get out much. Also this is my first experience of script writing, therefore, alas, most of my 'feedback' will be reflective rather than technical, he-he!

[Noel Evans]

Hey Chris. Well written. I like your descriptions from this and past scriptfests alike.

You add the small things that make all the difference such as -


His outline is punctuated by the pair of six-shooters
than hang at his hips.

Couple of small flow points made already, Ill forgo those, but add I thought they were rather minor.

Couple of dialogue points that seemed a bit superfluous such as


CHARLIE
Yeah Skeet. Engineer tried to be
brave and I had to gun him down.


Just dont think he needed to tell him what happened.

Enjoyed reading it from start to finish.

There was one thing that bugged me. So who is Rook Carver? Samuel knows his name, Skeet knew who he was. But as the story played out, I got the feeling Rook Carver has a strong reputation, and he is not to be messed with. But also I got the feeling he is just not some outlaw, or brigand. But when he blows Bull's head off, I felt torn away from caring about him as a character. It was a merciless cold blooded killing.

Then when Samuel delivers the letter I had the feeling he was just too weak to deliver the news himself. I dont think that was your intention, but after he killed Bull, I was a bit lost to who he was.

[jamiejay]

good script!

not much i can add that hasn't already been said. i loved the setting of a train and you have good western elements here. i liked the plot, though, like others have said, a brief explanation of how rose and danny are related to rook would have tied up some loose ends. i imagine, correct me if i am mistaken, that danny was his partner in fighting crime and that rose was danny's wife...

i like how this bad ass isn't strong enough to deliver the letter himself... it says a lot about how much he cares about rose, but, at the same time, he is avoiding an emotional situation... he went through a lot to make sure she received the letter, but his work is not yet finished...

i don't feel conflicted about him killing the outlaws, because, despite their claim that they are not killers, they clearly are... but, maybe, to make rook stand out as a definite hero (as i am assuming he is), the outlaws should come across as even more villainous...idk... just a thought...

nice work! :)

jamie

[MrKilloran]

Very good, I can see the scenes clearly through your great use of detail. Well paced.

"A large figure steps into the doorway of the train office. ROOK CARVER, thirties, stands silhouetted by the sun. His outline is punctuated by the pair of six-shooters than hang at his hips."

This is fantastic!

SAMUEL
Rook Carver? The Rook Carver?

It works and it doesn't, I like the mystery and we definitely get that he has a reputation but no real sense as to what kind of reputation, bad or good.

Probably just because of the 10-page limit but every now and then you need to break up your shots, the action just felt too cluttered together, for instance:

"With all of his strength Samuel rams his heel into the top of Skeet’s boot.

Skeet screams in pain and lets go of Samuel.

Samuel dives out of the way as Rook fires placing a bullet between Skeet’s eyes.

Skeet falls to the floor. Dead."


Question, why does Rook wait so long to act if he's on the train?

"Charlie doesn’t even have time to look up before the gun fires carving a tunnel through his skull."

Vicious, I loved it. :beer:

A good read from start to finish, it felt classic and the ending is painful, how Rook is this infamous gunmen and can't bring himself to talk face-to-face with Rose, it seems to me he was ashamed of Danny's death.

[arroway]

nice clean writing style. good action. didn't really understand the ending (relationship of the characters in the letter) and i wish we had a little more time with the main character, perhaps seeing his wife help him get ready in the morning and have him mention the recent train robberies. the image of two gunmen holding human shields was kind of funny in a morbid way. all in all, i liked everything but the contents of the letter which i felt were a little extraneous and non-organic to the rest of the story. i think this script would actually benefit from a few additional pages clearing up the relationships mentioned in the letter.

[Tormod]

I liked the action and dialogue, but I agree with Noel about Rook.
I didn`t understand why he didn`t deliver it himself, but maybe I have to read it again to make up my own mind.

But it`s a cool setup, and very well excecuted. The descriptions are great at worst and Awesome at best!

Good job!

[preston]

notes as i read...

love the description of ROOK CARVER.

nice opening scene, good set-up. makes me want to keep reading.

maybe let the conductor's dialog introduce CHARLIE LOWREY's identity, since we wouldn't know who he is from his looks... just a thought.

so ROOK is on the train, i'm wondering why he gave SAMUEL the envelop if he was on the train himself.

good action in the gunfight.

why couldn't ROOK deliver the letter?

-----

good script overall; nice work.

[REHov520]

I like the story here, but the dialogue didn't work for me. It just seemed unnatural in a number of places, particular in the heat of the action scenes when people's lives are on the line yet they still find the time to speak in complete, explanatory sentences.

I also would have liked to see more of a connection between the two central conflicts. To me it seemed like there are two different conflicts going on, the physical conflict of fighting the Lowrie brothers, and Rook's emotional conflict in delivering the bad news. It's cool that it shows a lot about Rook's character in that he's so good in dealing with one type of conflict, but bad at dealing with another. But at the same time, it makes the whole encounter on the train seem sort of tacked on and coincidental.

I don't mind not knowing about Rook, but what I did want to know was why he picked Samuel to deliver the message. Was it just because he worked on the train and was headed in the right direction? Or did he know something about Samuel's personality that made him feel that this is the right man for such a job?

Also we both have characters named Rose!

Good job.

[leepback]

Enjoyable read.

I'll address this as an audience member rather than the writer I'm not.

I can understand why Rook doesn't want to send it by post....it's too important, but if I was Rook I'd go right to Rose's place and make a passerby give it to her (under instructions not to give away the fact that I was hiding nearby).

I suppose the only bar to this happening would be that the passerby might need to be aware of Rook's reputation and thus carry out the deed but we have no indication how wide that reputation spreads.

Thanks for the fun read.

[krestofre]

Well, we're winding down another excellent scriptfest. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read the script, and I appreciate everyone who took the time to comment on the script.

I enjoyed writing this script and playing with archetypes. I think that came out to varying degrees of success. Some of you were doubtful of Rook's actions at the end, and for some of you Rook's actions at the end made you question his character. I really enjoy the varied reactions that the audience can have, and to some extent I leave questions unanswered for the single purpose of allowing different reactions.

A lot of the advice given was extremely helpful and has made this a better script because of it. Once again, thanks to everyone!

[lawriejaffa]

A lot of points about the ending but you see I like it!

I think your ending for this script krest is better than the other one... where Rook ends up sleeping with Rose, strangling her, cutting off a lock of her hair and then renaming his horse Rose! That was horrible - this is much nice :) hehe


(Nb. that joke might not make a heck of a lot of sense unless one's read all the scripts... :P)

[krestofre]

Hahah! That ending was a bit more ... polarizing. :)

[conlanforever]

LOL! Nice ending, however I prefer the other ending....Rose ends up sleeping with Rook, strangles him, cuts off a lock of his hair and renames her parasol Rook.
What emotional impact!

Seriously, I really liked the way this script ended.