Ghost Town

[TimCollins]

"GHOST TOWN"
(Supernatural/Thriller/Western)
Two bank robbers on the run seek refuge in a seemingly abandoned town, only to find they are not alone.


http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x225/blktahoe02/ghosttown5.jpg

[RodThompson]

I need to make a poster for On Friday. I will read this...I will like it. You will woo me. You will come in second behind me. :)

[seansshack]

Love the premise.

[lawriejaffa]

Yeah this one sounds like a wild adventure man!

[nouou]

i like your poster

i also like your avatar

[TimCollins]

:dankk2:!

[conlanforever]

I like the idea, I like that your bringing in a horror element.
I need to think about a poster.

[Chris_Keaton]

Maybe you should write the screenplay first and then, you know when it gets filmed, make a poster.

I'm just saying.:)

[TimCollins]

Maybe you should write the screenplay first and then, you know when it gets filmed, make a poster.

I'm just saying.:)

I know, but posters are fun to make. :)

[Chris_Keaton]

I know, but posters are fun to make. :)

Well, they are easier than writing.

[conlanforever]

I usually come up with a poster last minute, or I don't come up with one at all. Not really my forte'.

[TimCollins]

I usually come up with a poster last minute, or I don't come up with one at all. Not really my forte'.

I've never made a poster for just a script before but I figured in the spirit of the contest it would be fun. Plus it boosts my interest in the subject even higher as I'm writing.

First draft done. Let the revising commence.

[Nektonic]

I figure that since film is a visual medium, thinking about the visual identity of your film by designing a poster is not a bad thing at all. It is fun too.

[Tormod]

Really looking forward to this one! :) Love ghost towns!

[Chris_Keaton]

Really looking forward to this one! :) Love ghost towns!

Driving into Arizona from New Mexico on a major highway (I-10) mind you there is a little ghost town visible from the highway. I don't think its a museum or any of that, but a straight up abandoned town. It looks awesome.

[Tormod]

Awesome! To bad I`m stuck in Norway :P

[Keth Andril]

Western and Horror in one script? I'm loving the idea.

[TimCollins]

I won't lie, this has been kinda tough with the 10 pg limit and all.

I had a draft written but got stuck on it for a while and just wasn't happy with it. After avoiding working on it, I just recently came back to it and changed some things around. Plus, I added a new ending and now I'm definitely more confident with it.

Still, being my first scriptfest, this is a good learning experience for sure. I wish I had gotten in on the pulpfest!

[JONJON]

Cool! I like westerns with a twist.. what part of atlanta are you from?

[TimCollins]

I'm from Sandy Springs. You from the A too?

[JONJON]

about 50 miles east of atlanta.

[TimCollins]

about 50 miles east of atlanta.

Good stuff :beer:

[jamiejay]

sounds fun... looking forward to reading it :)

jamie

[RodThompson]

Okay, so I read it, and I dug it!...until the end.

I didn't get it. I mean, the gost was his dad. I got that. But why did he thank him, and why the whole setup for the shooting? It would have been a better ending if it was all in his head and he killed the horses. I am going to reread this when I get home, but for now the ending makes no sense to me.

The rest of the story is gnarly. Good cross-genre action there. Horror and Western...I DIG!

[TimCollins]

Thanks for the compliments...

The ending is signifying that the whole thing was a set-up for John Ray to scare off Robert and keep the money for himself. He didn't want to kill his partner, he just wanted him out of the picture so he could keep both shares for himself. So, he got the the help of his ghost father.

I was hoping that wouldn't be confusing.

I was going to do the "all in his head" ending but I've seen that in a lot of horror movies lately and felt like going for the double-twist instead.

Hope that makes sense now.

[RodThompson]

NOW! I get it and dig it. I had that thought that it was a setup, but there wasn't anything to clearly steer me that way. Good job though!

[TimCollins]

NOW! I get it and dig it. I had that thought that it was a setup, but there wasn't anything to clearly steer me that way. Good job though!

Thanks man :beer:

[lawriejaffa]

Hey hey!

Yeah this was quite an amusing / action/horror script that i could see working (especially if the black humour/humour was intentional here!)

At first I was reading it as a serious horror western script and thinking that it was coming across as a tiny bit hokey. Taking it less seriously (with a bit of fun) was just the remedy though hehe.

Now that said I think you could actually make the 'supernatural occurences' a little scarier! The 'demise' in water on the floor (is there maybe an easier way of that occuring?) While the killing of the horses i might have thought would get some notice! I mean who cares really - in a film it works easier than a scrutinising review hehe.

I was confused with the army of ghosts though - I mean where did they come from and go? The metal vest was cute - but you know what they say - what if the guy was shot in the head. etc.

So I think it would improve if the supernatural occurences were a little bit more plausibe (as part of a conspiracy). Maybe also reduce the length of the action lines a little - and maybe grittify the dialogue a little?

The ending (and double twist) did work but i think it would seem 'more right' if the preceding events made it more plausible in 'hindsight' u know?

If that sounds like a lot of crit (its not just ideas/suggestions) then i just also want to add that this was a really fun horror adventure that is entertaining!

[TimCollins]

Hey hey!

Yeah this was quite an amusing / action/horror script that i could see working (especially if the black humour/humour was intentional here!)

At first I was reading it as a serious horror western script and thinking that it was coming across as a tiny bit hokey. Taking it less seriously (with a bit of fun) was just the remedy though hehe.

Now that said I think you could actually make the 'supernatural occurences' a little scarier! The 'demise' in water on the floor (is there maybe an easier way of that occuring?) While the killing of the horses i might have thought would get some notice! I mean who cares really - in a film it works easier than a scrutinising review hehe.

I was confused with the army of ghosts though - I mean where did they come from and go? The metal vest was cute - but you know what they say - what if the guy was shot in the head. etc.

So I think it would improve if the supernatural occurences were a little bit more plausibe (as part of a conspiracy). Maybe also reduce the length of the action lines a little - and maybe grittify the dialogue a little?

The ending (and double twist) did work but i think it would seem 'more right' if the preceding events made it more plausible in 'hindsight' u know?

If that sounds like a lot of crit (its not just ideas/suggestions) then i just also want to add that this was a really fun horror adventure that is entertaining!

Hey man.

Yeah, I was definitely going for some black comedy elements - I'm glad it was noticed.

As far as the army of ghosts, I just kinda thought it would be a cool read to imagine two-hundred ghosts of dead cowboys with bullet holes through their heads haha. I don't really know much about ghosts but the way I saw it they can just appear/disappear when they want to.

True about the metal vest but I just thought "hey... what if?". I was going to include a line earlier about how Robert could never shoot anyone in the head because the family would have to have a closed casket but I decided to do without.

Thanks for reading!

[lawriejaffa]

Yeah the metal vest is fine really - you'd have to be pretty anal as a viewer to bring that up really (so scratch that comment hehe) I think definately if your going to make the thing a hoax - then the army of ghosts can't actually appear (unless old grandpa has aftereffects and has created them to trick everyone hehe)

[TimCollins]

Well the whole thing about the spirits being condemned to the town is true. They were great gunslingers who died and are trapped there but the part about another spirit joining and some being freed is BS. That was just a ploy to get Robert to think he's killed John Ray and set the plan in motion. John Ray was just utilizing his father's situation to his advantage.

I suppose I didn't really put in any clues to make that apparent so that's my bad. :Drogar-Dum(DBG):

[lawriejaffa]

Yep if it clarifies that just a weeny bit better then you got a great idea on the go - particualrly i like the place being where the gunslingers are condemned - very nice.

[Blaine]

Well you made me think. In this case, I'm not completely sure that's a good thing. :)

When the story opened up, I thought, oh, great, another bank (or train) robbery. Then you got a little clever on me and landed them in a ghost town. I was kinda diggin' the whole ghost situation until the end when the Outlaw Ghost turned out to be John Ray's father. Completely lost me there. No lead up to the possibility. And while the metal vest explains how he survived the shooting, there was not logical reason in the context of the story to allow for this. We only find out what has happened at the end and are never given enough information to have any kind of hint that this could happen. It feels like a cheat.

I'd like to be able to look back at the story and perhaps put the clues together in the aftermath and say, "oh, yeah. of course." But they're just not there.

One funny thing....

OUTLAW GHOST
Me? I live here, son. What are you
doin’ here?Kind of counterintuitive.

It reminds me of a time when I was in Germany and asked directions. The 20-something German told me to go past "where the dead man lives"... (it was a cemetery) :)

[TimCollins]

Well you made me think. In this case, I'm not completely sure that's a good thing. :)

When the story opened up, I thought, oh, great, another bank (or train) robbery. Then you got a little clever on me and landed them in a ghost town. I was kinda diggin' the whole ghost situation until the end when the Outlaw Ghost turned out to be John Ray's father. Completely lost me there. No lead up to the possibility.

Hey, well at least I made you think, right? :beer:

About the ending - Yeah I was a little afraid people would feel that way. But, with a twist ending, the last thing I wanted is for people to be able to see it coming. So I guess I errored a bit on the side of keeping people in the dark until the very last moment.


And while the metal vest explains how he survived the shooting, there was not logical reason in the context of the story to allow for this. We only find out what has happened at the end and are never given enough information to have any kind of hint that this could happen. It feels like a cheat.

That's surpising to me that it feels like a cheat. I know there's nothing in the story before that would make the ending obvious but I think there is a logical reason for the ending - money.


One funny thing....
Kind of counterintuitive.

It reminds me of a time when I was in Germany and asked directions. The 20-something German told me to go past "where the dead man lives"... (it was a cemetery)

Haha, yeah I agree with you on that one.

Thanks for the response, Blaine!

[DarkElastic]

Hi Tim, I really enjoyed the read, thanks.

I think this is a good ghost story, as stated previously it could have been made a little more jumpy and scary. It has good dialogue and good scare sequances, but does lack a bit of tension here and there. I thought the ghosts were good and did picture a town full of their damaged froms.
The ending was a nice twist, if a little far fetched. I did like it when I thought it was all in his head and he had mutilated the horses (a nice flashback of him actually doing it would have been nice), but I do understand what you were trying to do. It does raise more questions than answers though.

I really enjoyed the read though. well done.

[conlanforever]

I enjoyed this story a lot. You did an excellent job crossing genres.

A technical nitpick. There are some long blocks of action that would definitely benefit from being broken up a bit. This would make for an easier read. That said, I did feel however that you're action was written well.

The dialogue was believable and I especially liked the banter between the Outlaw Ghost and Robert.
When the Ghost revealed that one of the gunslingers had to kill the other, I liked this idea and didn't expect it.

I hate to say it, but I didn't get the ending either. I was right with you til the end and then I was lost.
Not to say that I think its not a good ending, I like the idea of the twist. I just agree with some of the previous posts. If we had something to clue us in on his motivation, it would help.

Maybe something little could help. We see JR counting the money with greedy delight or something simple, he just mentions he can't believe how much money they got away with. Something to indicate his greed.

While I think this would give us some question about him, I don't think it would in anyway give away that the whole thing was a setup. The reader may think, we can't trust this guy, but be surprised/happy when Robert kills JR and then the reversal comes with the Outlaw Ghost father and its like....Ooooh that greedy bastard did have a plan afterall.

But I don't want to take away from the fact, I really enjoyed the story and thought it was a well written script. Well done!

[nouou]

@timcollins

you told a great story within 10 pages. certain scenes were very effective, namely when robert is on guard and then leaves the room, and is walking down the pitch black hallway and you hear the creaking noise from the floor. this = creepy, good job.

you described the action very well, i didn't get confused anywhere.

one thing though, in the beginning theyre in the western town right? then they enter a wide open desert, but this is still under the slugline WESTERN TOWN, and the next slugline is SALOON. i wouldve inserted one inbetween these like EXT. DESERT or EXT. GHOST TOWN OUTSKIRTS. not that it wasn't easy to follow, i followed it very easily.

i really liked the story you told here, a tip of my hat to you sir.

[TimCollins]

Hey, thanks DarkElastic, conlanforever, and nouou for your responses and your kind words!

DarkElastic - I agree the consensus of the ending has been pretty hit-or-miss... mostly miss actually which doesn't really surprise me all that much in hindsight - I added it on later because I felt the first ending was weak. But I was hoping that even though there weren't many clues leading up to it, it would still shock people...

conlanforever - About the blocks of action, yeah when I originally wrote the script on MS Word I stupidly was writing in 11pt font and I was so wrapped up in the story that I didn't notice until I was at 10 pages. So when I went back and changed the font to 12 it jumped up to 11 1/2 pages. And not wanting to part with my action sequences, I just condensed them. Won't make that mistake again!

nouou - Yeah, after reading everyone elses scripts, they made me realize how scattered my sluglines were... definitely something to fix in the future! Glad you liked it!

[Mark C]

Well TimCollins all I can say is that this one was right up my alley! There were so many great scare moments in here I could really see how amazing this would be as a short. I like the idea of killing one to free twelve. Awesome motivation for the Outlaw Ghost to use there. Seems to me like tightening up the end twist to clarify the whole thing was a set up could be done in a number of easy ways so you really ended up with great piece of work here!

[TimCollins]

Well TimCollins all I can say is that this one was right up my alley! There were so many great scare moments in here I could really see how amazing this would be as a short. I like the idea of killing one to free twelve. Awesome motivation for the Outlaw Ghost to use there. Seems to me like tightening up the end twist to clarify the whole thing was a set up could be done in a number of easy ways so you really ended up with great piece of work here!

Thanks very much my friend! :)

[MrKilloran]

Break up those action blocks, they are quite lengthy and would benefit from it - would help the flow of the story when reading.

Great setting, I enjoyed that you brought it to a Ghost town.
It had a good mixture of Creepy, horror and humor. Maybe a few more clues though, scattered about for the twist, not enough to figure it out but enough to make us go "oh!"

Good work!

[seansshack]

Action blocks are too long here. Break them up into smaller paragraphs, as it makes it easier to read - but I bet this happened because of the 10 page limit. Gave me problems also and I over ran the limit, which forced to go back and write all the action a different way, rather than squeeze them in.

Also I don't like the use of caps in dialogue - especially when it's an entire block. Might be better to just use (Shouts). But a matter of style I guess.

Nice mix of genres here. Kept me interested and stood out from the bunch, when in a fest this is a good thing as you can get fatigued having written and then reading the same genre stories.

Didn't really like the ending. No that it doesn't work. But on first read I found myself saying "what" and had to read again. Not that the plot is complex, I think it's just not as clear as it could be (because of how it is written) - but early morning here,so maybe it's a lack of coffee thing :)

Good job.

[TimCollins]

Thanks for reading, guys.

Yeah, those pesky action lines. I don't normally write huge blocks like that but when it was time to condense it I just didn't want to part with the action. (I get attached to what I've written)

And stupid me, this is my first scriptfest so I had no idea the limit was 10 pages MINUS the cover page so I kinda screwed myself there :zombie_smiley:

Thanks for the feedback!

[NJPage]

Hi Tim. just been reading through your script for the second time - in the light of all above feedback. Well, I really liked the ghost/western storyline and the script is good - I didn't find it confusing, not even on first read. I wrote 'first impression' comments - 'a wee (scottish) bit long windy, but v. good and neat CLEAR ending.
On re-read, I'm noticing that Robert isn't killed, but runs off to the desert... where presumably he'll die from the heat/thirst... thus allowing for 12 resident ghosts to be released??? You could have made something clearer there or perhaps I've got it wrong.
Anyway, enjoyed it loads!

[Tim Joy]

I liked the concept, but I found it difficult to make it through this script. The dialog seemed too on-the-nose and the long descriptions weighed me down. Some of the sentences are redundant within themselves.
Maybe it was a little too much story packed in there? I don't know. I found it hard to be engaged in it. I think you could take a red pen to this and make a good script out of it. Think like a murderer. :)

[TimCollins]

Thanks for reading, yeehaanow. Sorry you found it difficult to make it through.

In hindsight, I probably did try to pack a little much into 10 pages. Granted, it's my first time ever writing one this short and I'm used to thinking bigger.

As far as the dialogue I was a little unsure of it myself. I have done a couple horror shorts in the past but I've never written a western or supernatural script so it was a learning experience in two different respects.

If you get a chance could you point out to me a couple of sentences that were redundant?

Thanks for feedback!

[arroway]

horror/western is really my favorite genre. i like the premise of this a lot. i think the execution could use a few more drafts. the beginning is tense and suspenseful, the idea that they have to kill each other for one of them to live is intriguing, but the ending really didn't work for me. the father ghost thing seemed to come out of nowhere. i don't like that the ghosts can physically harm the people. i'd prefer they only have the ability to keep them confined to the town. i think it would be more visually cool if the two guys had to duel in the main thoroughfare with all the ghosts of past duelers watching and the main ghost "refereeing" with a pocket watch or something. and then maybe they both draw but don't fire. neither wants to kill the other. maybe they decide to test the ghost's power to keep them confined to the town and figure out the ghosts are bluffing, they have no such power and are able to leave?

i think this premise has a lot of potential.


The townspeople have locked themselves inside
of their homes in fear of the two dangerous criminals.

John Ray and Robert keep riding into the wide-open desert
and eventually see a sleepy looking town in the distance.

i think there needs to be a mini sub between these two blocks. even something as simple as "LATER" or "EXT. DESERT". the way it reads now, it's like they leave town then immediately come upon another town.



they get off their horses in front of a saloon. They tie up the
horses and head toward the saloon doors.

there were a lot of instances like this that i think could be easily condensed and save you some space. you don't need to describe every step, simply saying "they tether their horses outside a saloon and approach the bat wing doors" implies that they dismounted without actually having to say it.


OUTLAW GHOST
(cocks his shotgun and smiles)
Then I kill the both of ya.

i thought it "wasn't that easy"...

[TimCollins]

Hey man, thanks for reading.

I agree about the sluglines they were kindof all over the place and I'm making a point in my other writing to make sure I keep up with those accurately.

Also, you're right about not having to show every step of the way. After reading all of these in the fest I've seen how to condense action concisely which will help alot on future projects.


i thought it "wasn't that easy"...

If the Outlaw Ghost killed them, their spirits wouldn't be trapped to the town. He's just given Robert the chance to save himself and kill his partner and is threatening to kill them both if he doesn't do it. It's just an ultimatum. Either one of them betrays the other and gets to walk away or neither of them walk away.

[Rustom Irani]

You'll probably get a lot of critiques for the long descriptions so I won't mention those again. :)

This reminded me of "Maverick" especially the end with him calling the Outlaw Ghost "Pa."

The problem with multiple genres is that you can either have more of one or the other and tip the scales a bit in favor of one over the other.

Horrow demands its own pace and Westerns are nuanced towards a wait, watch, act and end premise.

I believe you wrote the horror sequences quite well. The phonograph sequence was excellently paced.

While the setting is Western you have an extremely quick bank robbery, which is inconsequential, true, but the transition to the ghost town in that scene was overkill.

Pace it out. Break their jounrey. Use your scripting tools. That seuence begs for a montage. Imagine the fun a DP or director'd have to imagine the shots across the plains as they, rode, night turns to day and night again, theu share the loot, tend the horses, then roll into a ghost town. Ooh! Now we are talking. And you'll have added elements of a Western much more in detail.

Nice story. Great characters. The dialog's were adequate, but a bit on the nose.

I liked it but with a re-write this will be extremely good.

Thanks for your thoughts on "Patch-up Kid."

All the best.

[jamiejay]

i really liked the start of this and the idea of a ghost town where all gunslingers are condemned to go when they die. i was even suspecting a sixth sense sort of ending where it turns out that they had really been killed in their last gun fight. of course, that's been done more than once now, but it would have been kind of cool.

your description was good and i could visualize it clearly. you had a lot of action, but, as already mentioned, it could have been broken up. i was hoping you would keep it a horror. the dead horses really grabbed my attention and i loved it. i wanted more terror and gore. ;)

the ending, while not confusing to me at all, just seemed a little bit of a let down after such a great start. i agree with conlan that there may have been a way to fix it just by hinting at it sooner.

nice job :)

[TimCollins]

Thanks for reading Rustom and Jamie!

Rustom - Thank you for the compliment on the pacing of the phonograph scene. I agree the cut from the bank robbery to the ghost town was a little sudden. At first I had a smoother transition there but I cut it down - mostly because I didn't know we could have ten pages PLUS the title page. So I cheated myself out of a page but at least I know for next time.

Jamie - I agree in hindsight some more terror and gore would've been fun. I originally set out for a gory horror piece but it slowly evolved into more of a thriller than a horror. I see now the problem with the ending and it helps me as I am currently working on other projects with twist endings so I will be sure to place some subtle clues throughout.

I appreciate the feedback!!

[Sarah Daly]

Hey!

Yeah I liked this a lot - others have probably said the action paragraphs should be shorter - you were I'm sure just trying to make it fit within the limit but I think you could achieve this by just cutting down the length of the sentences or leaving some out.

As for the story though - very original, very atmospheric - a different tone to the rest of the entries which was cool.

And yes, I didn't get the end I must admit, but your idea was right, you just need to get it across to us a bit more clearly. You could simply have the ghost's son go back for the money at the end to remind us - I'd sorta forgotten about it.

But the single twist when we simply think Robert is crazy works very well on its own. Better maybe.

Overall, an interesting read, great concept and cool genre mixing! Good job!

[Bridget D.]

Well, I am a little late in getting my comments out and it looks like everyone else did a wonderful job of telling you what did or didn't work. For me, I thought this was an interesting read and very original. No complaints at all. I think it is one of my favorites.

[TimCollins]

Thanks for reading Sarah and Bridget I'm glad you liked it! :beer: