Covenant

[lawriejaffa]

Covenant - A vicious, bloody 17th century set Scottish Western inspired by the brutal events of civil war!

http://www.newagemedia.co.uk/Covenant.jpg

[Horncastle]

Go for it Lawrie! Will we be having Scottish spaghetti by any chance?
Jason

EDIT: I just read your messages in other threads and it looks like spaghetti is indeed on the menu!

[lawriejaffa]

It is! It will be a somewhat melodramatic operatic confrontative (okay i made that word up) epic er all condensed into a 10 page script hopefully with a few cracking lines but er i find that part tough!

You'll have to imagine an ennio morricone score playing while you read it! So yes its a Haggis Western!

[seansshack]

A Haggis Western? Going to be lot of blood I bet.

[conlanforever]

I really like the setting. Not your usual backdrop for a western. I like the old spaghetti westerns....so bring on the Haggis!

[lawriejaffa]

Yes a Haggis western - it might not win the competition via peer review buuuut i do intend to try and win the body count competition ;) the bloodiest haggis western ever hehe ;)

[nouou]

i'll probably visualize mel gibson in my head while reading this

[lawriejaffa]

Wow what a coincidence you saying that Nouvou - heres a preview from my script!


INT. Bathroom

Mel Gibson unfurls his trousers, looks at a photograph of Nouvou.

MEL
I'll never forget you Nouvou... just
remember me whenever you read
a historical script of Scottish subject
matter.

Mel wipes his tears, and closes the door!

[nouou]

lol what a coincidence indeed :)

[lawriejaffa]

;) hehe iiii'm only tussling with ya! So are you entering yourself mate?

[nouou]

yeah, first time too. first time in any sort of contest for writing. i got my rl friend to join also. he's working on his own. have you entered all of the previous scriptfests?

[lawriejaffa]

Only the last one i work mostly as a producer but i love writing - most of all i love reading the other scripts and the feedback to and fro. My last script was 'Red Rope' though id suggest reading all of them if you get the chance!

[nouou]

probably will when i'm at work, so i know what i'm up against.

[Tormod]

looking forward to this Jaffa! Sounds Awesome




Im sorry I must ask. are you lawriejaffa from OFP? If so I think we were in the same mod :P

[lawriejaffa]

http://www.newagemedia.co.uk/Covenant.jpg

Done a wee poster (taking as a still a documentary film im producing some FX for) which is similarly set in the time period im working my story from!) I'm having major probs coming up with a decent idea actually - especially one that works (in an accessible way) for what is quite a unique period of scottish history.

So heres a free history lesson (er well, a very crude one anyway!)

Covenant is based on the 'National Covenant' which was an oath of loyalty the people of Scotland were expected to sign by an alliance of religious leaders, aristocrats etc that took the view that the King of Britain (Charles I) was just too popish. It was a revolution (which would contribute to the English Civil War itself - and would not end itself until that war ended also.)

Those who supported the Covenant (The church) were called Covenanters, and if you did not sign... *drum roll* (You did sign!) some might compare them to fundamentlists (many were others were among the most enlightened thinkers of the day.)

The opposition were the royalists (mostly aristocrats) and other power factions allied to Charles I, whose forces were less in number, and located around the highlands, portions of the West.

Anyway the point of all this is that it lead to the most brutal and genocidal civil warfare imaginable (but is one largely forgotten.) It is (for those in the know) where the Campbells got their notoriety (from massacring their rival clans) and basically everyone took the opportunity of the civil war to be a complete evil git.

Its perhaps hard to understand why even within protestant factions there could be such hatred (and how that could even affect ones perception of anothers 'humanity' or life's worth but it did...

The Covenanters would raise huge levies which still only very slowly beat back the royalists into enclaves. They would kick arse in general until eventually Oliver Cromwell kicked the English royalists in the bum. Even then the covenanters were uberly powerful (hehe must not say uber) and would shockingly enough invade England! They got beat however and Cromwell put down the Scottish revolutionaries.

So if you were bored enough to read all that - my story will be set i think in amidst the civil war or shortly after.

I also intend to have the highest death count (petty i know but most my works are quite arty and while im sure this will be - winning the highest death count will cheer me up if my scripts standing in the competition sucks haha!)

[Sarah Daly]

Sorry dude - but there's a nuclear explosion in mine, killing the entire human race. A few covenanters just ain't gonna cut it :)

KIDDING

Although now I'm thinking...a western set amidst the cold war....hmmmm...now that's fusion...or fission?

[TimCollins]

Does death count mean people that die during the course of the film or does it include those who are already dead: ie. Ghosts?

:laugh:

[lawriejaffa]

A nuclear explosion! Noooo well I can't beat that BOO!

And the already dead definately do not count! *shakes head* No no nooooo!!

So better get started! See you in the feeest!

[conlanforever]

Nice poster. Interesting background about the history (or am I really that bored, nah that can't be it) yes, very interesting stuff.
Highest body count has to get you 5 stars right off the bat.

[lawriejaffa]

Hehe cheers Conlan I managed to get a draft together today and yeah bodycount record we'll see - last entry i did was a bit off the genre (serious drama-noir) for pulp fest, though this is pretty dark - a bit like Django Kills if you've ever seen that (almost a horror-western) which would make this a haggis-horror-western) - er almost.

Horror as in just horrible! So hows your entry going bro!

[Tormod]

Did you finish the script jaffa? Very interesting piece of history indeed!

[lawriejaffa]

Hey buddy yep I did! Finished it just!

[MrKilloran]

Sounds interesting, looking forward to it Lawrie!

[jamiejay]

hey lawriejaffa, good to see you back. i'm excited to read your script. sounds interesting :)

jamie

[RodThompson]

Quite the concept...I look forward to the read!

[lawriejaffa]

Hey guys thanks! Yep - well i definately ended up going down a slightly darker road with this one than i attempted - almost surreal (psuedo apocalypse now with muskets thing) going on here so look forward to seeing how it plays!

I'm also really excited about reading all your guys scripts too, ive always enjoyed westerns in particular the nihilistic/grim spaghetti western takes (not precluding some great modern american westerns too) ala Unforgiven etc.

So Mr.Killoran, Jamie and Rod cheers mon amie - just wondering now when these badboys become available to read ;)

[lawriejaffa]

"Aye ya yankee gits 'ere's me hopin' that yer ready fer a brawl wae loadsa bloods n' guts an evil poodles in this auld n' bloody tale o' auld kirk warfare"

Thankfully er my actual script dialogue isn't in Scots you'll be glad to know!

[RodThompson]

So, as promised, I read yours first. I was pleased overall with the flow of the story, and the very pronounced and crafted dialpgue of the piece. I felt you find the perfect blend of action to dialogue, which is a rare find, but a joyous treat.

Without giving anything away, my only qualm is with the premise of the story. I'm not sure if it's my Americanized brain talking, but I just didn't see the Western in this. To a degree, it had some Western styling, but overall it felt more like a what it was, a Scottish period piece.

The "punishment" of the priest was very harsh, but very real. I dug that. No hiding the brutality of war. No need to. I never saw this punishment coming, so it really catches the reader to see a torture method so original (save Hector's fate in Troy).

While I will admit openly that I DID NOT SEE MEL GIBSON in any of this, it was a hellishly good read. I may deduct a star for the whole, not-feeling-western bit, but that's still a 9/10. :)

[TimCollins]

Hey man, just read this. And I'm 99% sure you'll take the highest death toll.

Anywho, I really liked the story. You've definitely got a knowledge of this time period and the events taking place within. Your script had some sheer brutality which is always fun.

Also, the Melville character was a ton of fun to read. I liked how you gave him a whole lot of depth. Even referencing back to his childhood and what led him to be so sadistic. Here's this depraved man who tortures priests and 40 of his men get blown to bits but it's not until his poodle gets it that he breaks down - that's awesome.

I also liked the line "It would shock a normal child, but in this age
nothing can." That really gave me a good idea of what's really going on in that time and place.

The only thing that threw me off was at, at the beginning, it seemed a little bit confusing. Later on, I understood what was going on completely, but at the beginning I felt a bit overwhelmed (I guess that's the right term). But, who knows, that could be because I read this at 3 AM and I'm just tired haha. But that was the only drawback for me to an otherwise impressive tale.

[lawriejaffa]

Rock on bro's thanks for the reads! Yep Rod, this film would be a western in the style of Django Kills, Django and the political/spaghetti westerns like Fistful of Dynamite etc etc. You just gotta remember the horses - epic landscapes (highlands) that i would use for the er haggis western! If I end up making it hehe! (ya never know hehe) I'm, tempted to have a go (maybe as a haggis western) as a low budget feature depending on what comes of revisions etc!

Thanks Tim! Yep Melville is basically me really - muhahah - now i need to get reading!

[DarkElastic]

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your script Lawrie.

This, as promised, is full of death and the story you couldn't say is a happy one, but it is a very good story non the less. It is brutal but correct, in times like these you would expect killings like these for the good of a religion, history holds the scars.
As stated above, The Mellville character is excellent and dark, I also found the suffering of the Preacher and his struggle through blindness and deafness well crafted.
My only negativity would be towards the ending, I find it very sudden. The climate is great, death, explosions, pierced animals and a murderous child, but I just want to see a little bit more, understand a little bit more, about Dysart, about the people and about this war.

Other than that mate, an excellent historic script. Well done.

[lawriejaffa]

Awee thank you mon amie :)

Yep well the interesting thing about your criticism for wanting more historical information (or closure really) is how it will play i think to American readers and if they feel thats necessary (me and you having lived in Scotland for years have a different expectation perhaps?)

The suddeness is in the in the ilke of such endings as Fistful of Dynamite, (though i prefer the new restored ending to that film ;) and Come and See etc.

Its about the futility of religious warfare (and the perversity, absurdity of it - and how it shall make murderers of our children etc and so on.) But the script (and film i see in my head) is very stylised (in the vain of an 17th century Apocalypse Now) you know? Rather than say a 'The Patriot or Braveheart' style film - with historical footnotes.

Point being, that the story can be taken and placed onto any current civil/or war and it has relevance (rather than being the story of say the community of Dysart in particular!)

But I am really keen to see how it plays ;) Oh and regarding spaghetti westerns - my er ennio morricone bit in it would be the stand off between our priest and Melville (with the martial band playing the actual music!) - i'd string that out for 2 mins probably in film land hehe!

So ill get onto your script in a mo my friend thank you !

[krestofre]

Haggis Western. I like that.

This script is brutal. It's written in such a way that I feel the pain of the characters and hate Melville along with everyone else.

I am torn on one thing. Melville's "When I was a naughty boy" dialog seems a little unmotivated. His character stikes me as the kind of person who would have already had that conversation with his dog, perhaps many times before. Placing it in front of the burning building is the only thing that took me out of the script. I'm not even sure it's necessary to know this about the character. If this were a feature length, then yes, I think we'd want to know, but as a short its like one detail too much. If that makes sense. My two cents anyway.

Really well done.

[conlanforever]

Brutality has never been so much fun and I enjoyed reading it.

You did a good job of describing the horrors of war. The torture of the Preacher was horrible, but believable.

The Melville character is ridiculously entertaining, I loved that guy and his poodle.(and I don't even like poodles)

I liked the overall premise of the story and the setting.

A bit hard to believe that they could build an 80 foot cross that would support 40 men, even overnight and why not just shoot the preacher off the top?
But this is really an afterthought, because at the time of reading it I was just along for the ride and enjoying the visual that it created.

I like the fact that the girl got to off Melville.

I had a lot of fun reading this script. Bloody good work!

Just a technical aside. In the beginning, when you set it up, would that be a voice over or superimposed?

[lawriejaffa]

Hey guys cheers for the comments :)

krestofre - you may be right about that - but its just such a cute bit of self indulgence (and it is self indulgence we both know that) to pay too much attention to the minds of our characters that most amuse us. Your right actually in thinking its something he probably says to his poodle a lot (he does! The same disturbing stories ... over and over and over hehe compulsively so!)

It would be more appropriate as a feature which id love to produce this into depending er...

Conlan thanks and yes your quite right abot the wooden cross - it is quite absurd (we're stretching it a bit there.) Yep why not shoot him - its this idea Melville has that he can't kill him (that he says earlier) -because he's a minister (but oh u know, chopping off bits and bops is just fiiiine hehe)

And to think the poor Poodle didn't even get his name mentioned, (i had it down as Delabonte Gateau).

[nouou]

@lawriejaffa

i liked your script. here's some things i want to point out.

things like this:

They have made their covenant
directly with God. (Produces
document) Already the people of
Edinburgh have sworn to this
‘National Covenent’ a pledge to
resist the Crown!shouldn't they look like this?

They have made their covenant
directly with God.
(Produces document)
Already the people of
Edinburgh have sworn to this
‘National Covenent’ a pledge to
resist the Crown!not a big deal really, i am just personally curious regarding that.

i liked how melville talked to his dog, not like sweet talk but actually talk, i think that was a good method in showing more of the character. not to mention it's funny lol.

i think you should've ended it differently. by that i mean, when i was reading and visualing this, i just picture the young girl smashing melville's head in, then roll credits after. i would've added something to show that something happens after, like, "...his skull cracking like a crumpled eggshell. the young girl hastely runs off into the woods." just an example, not necessarily that obviously but something like that. unless of course your point to make was that it ends right after she smashes his head in, in which case what you did was perfect because that's what i visualized.

also, i liked the tongue ripping out scene. awesome violence/realism. violence. vioolennnce.

overall i liked it. good job :thumbup:

[Ezekiel667]

Everything I could have said has already been stated by my fellow reviewers. I loved your dialogue and characters. I agree the the beginning was slightly confusing, but after a few more pages it makes a lot more sense. Your brutality was very real, and yet a bit Hollywood-ish at the same time, which I enjoyed immensely! Overall I really liked it, I hope to see more from you in future Fest's.

[lawriejaffa]

Cheers guys, the difficulty im toying with is could i make a haggis western, and what is the visual culture one would use to express this script into a film that would not be percieved as a braveheart/patriot type of thing. I keep going on but my big inspiration would be films like Come and See, Django/Django Kills and Fistful of Dynamite (and the romance of sergioleonne and ennio morricone in general) obviously we make films in our own style anyway but i could i draw my genuine inspiration from them and make it work if this was ever produced? Thats what im wondering - any opinions on that gents (and cheers i know im rabbiting on in my thread :P I will pester all of you guys repeatedly in your own threads hehe

- Your script correction sounds right to me nouou i'll remember to structure actions like that properly.

[Blaine]

Lawrie. I came to this not knowing what to expect. I've made a point of not reading the threads before reading the scripts. (I have read some of the comments before writing this though.) I think you did a great job of turning a Scottish story into a western. It's a bit more of a push than say an Australian western but it fits nonetheless. This story is western by content rather than its setting. And your characters are also universal in nature. It could just as easily have worked in the American West...with minor changes, so I love the fact that you took a genre and gave it a new twist.

Now, to the story. You did a very good job of letting me know who the leads in this story were. I cared about the preacher (white hat) and that he wanted to keep and protect St. Serf's Cross. No idea what the significance of it is, but in this case, it doesn't matter. It could have been anything that Melville (black hat) wanted bad enough to kill for. And man, did he kill. This did, indeed, have a Spaghetti Western feel to it...I'll accept the term Haggis Western.

I believe that someone thought your minister deaf, but he only had his ears cut off. He could still hear, which he needed to be able to do to have his dialogue with the blacksmith.

It wasn't until after I had finished that questions about the structure the towns' people had built arose. I really don't have a problem with that, though. It was quite easy to "go with it."

I also like that you went to the trouble to give us a crumb of Melville's past. It didn't make me want to like him, but it gave me an insight into what might be driving his insanity.

The ending fit well within the confines of the world you created. I had no problem believing the little girl finished Melville off. It was also important that you made sure to keep the preacher driving the action up to the point of his ultimate demise.

This is a very well written script which I could see being produced as is. BUT, I can also see the whole framework being expanded into a feature. When broken down to its bare essentials, this is a classic western story, the struggle of good vs. bad.

Kudos on a very good entry. :thumbsup::thumbsup:

btw, would it kill you to put a time of day in your Scene Headings? :beer::beer:
EXT. DYSART - DAY

[lawriejaffa]

Oh yeah... lol scene headings to denote the day lol I should do that - im still learning some of the script structure / writings (doh lol) yes indeed! I will do it Blaine good sir!

Thanks for the review- im kinda toying with the idea of developing it further with a feature in mind, though i wrote this day before deadline (an idea gripped me) as i was really struggling (and had corporate commission deadlines booh) But the fun element of this perverse tale is making me think about it further hehe. As there is no haggis western on the market yet!

[Sarah Daly]

Dammit I will no longer obey all the script rules cos they suck and are restrictive and prevent epic, rich writing like this from ever getting writ!

You really bring history to life here - the script is emotive, visceral, brutal yet still somehow very dignified. I guess that's the Lawrie touch :)

As others have said, I was torn about the Melville nugget of backstory..On further rumination, I would have to conclude that it's allowed. The dramatic, exaggerated tone and nature of the character (he's got a toy poodle for christ's sake) allows him to divulge this without it being forced or cheesy, and the benefit of seeing how the man came to be the way he came to be far outweighs the potential cons.

I love the ending. You bring the bad guy down. Awesome.

As for a visual reference, I can only tell you that I was imagining, barren, burnt landscapes. Almost lunar. Dusty. Does Scotland come like that? You could always burn a field?

This ain't Braveheart. I wouldn't worry.

Ps may I suggest John Malkovoch for Melville? He would do ever such a good job! :)

Great, great work dude. Your passion for history shows. It's almost like history porn. can I say that? :)

[lawriejaffa]

I guess that's the Lawrie touch :)


Exactly if only there were more pretty female reviewers willing to experiement with the Lawrie touch but all i have is Blaine and his forest like beard... his wise wise grey... beard.

Ah yep in fact I speak to my Cat Jaffa in the same way Melville does to his poodle (hrmph) I think I would film this in Dysart anyway, but id avoid the Rob Roy expanse of land - id try to come up with a depressing small dirty town look akin to Django (but relative to the period here.) Or when epic scapes are used (As they would be) I'd not shoot them straight out the scottish travel brochure if you get my drift.

John Malkovich would be perfect or Eddie Izzard! Oh dear i'll stop that now! Yes you could say it is history porn haha - i mean its romanticised and stylised beyond fact - all artistic license!

Thanks for the feedback Sarah!

[Sarah Daly]

History porn:

Man: I have come to fix your spinning jenny.

I haven't figured out the rest yet. I'll get back to you.

I'm just trying to ditch the quaint girly vibe. Sorry for hijacking your thread :)

Ah yes dingy town. That works. Grey. Lots of grey. And rain. Lots of rain. And Eddie Izzard with a wiry moustache.

[DarkElastic]

Grey, lots of rain... Isn't that anywhere in the UK??? That should be easy for you then Lawrie!?!

[REHov520]

Very brutal and grisly. The character of Melville is definitely an interesting one. In some ways I felt like he was a bit too stylized for a historical epic. I thought the combination of the way he talked, his insane violence, and his poodle made him out as a more exaggerated villain more befitting of a comic book movie than something based on actual events (?). That said he was still a very compelling character, definitely the driving force in the script for me.

I think the preacher needs to be fleshed out a bit more. Maybe give him a name and a tiny bit more back story. He definitely had character in the way he keeps going on after Melville does all that mean stuff to him, but he still seems more or less like a stranger to me even at the end...though maybe that's what you want. Melville really takes center stage in this, and I think it'd be interesting to try and make it more balanced between these two.

One minor thing: I thought it was a little silly how the preacher was able to blindly and deafly convey such an elaborate plan by sketching something on a piece of paper real quick, and everyone looks at it, immediately understands, and gasps. I know this works to build suspense, but looking back on it once we know what the plan is it leaves me wondering, how did he draw all that on a piece of paper in 5 seconds?

Good job. I'd like to see it produced, but that'd probably be difficult...

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there! Well for goodness sake my good friend don't presume a historical epic should be a stoic neo-classical play of respectable historical reflection hehe. One of my big influences for this is the work of agi-pop British Director Ken Russell - and movies like 'The Devils etc'

In a way the UK in particular has always been quite comfortable with very abstract visualisations of historical events in film - surreal - perverse bizarre and so on. If we take an example the like The Devils you would be hard pressed to find many American peers (though they exist, such films like Apocalyse Now for example.) So its not that Melville is not appropriate for a historical epic, but that the direction of a historical epic (in the classical style as it were) would be utterly inappropriate for this script ;)

The sadism of Django Kills combined with The Devils is more where this one is going (not Spartacus :) Its such a blooming shame that the devils is a really hard film to get but i would recommend anyone wanting to explore the stylistic limits of historical story telling that its worth checking out. Here is a very very tame montage of footage from the film.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLgL_P5uacA&feature=related

As an example of Melvilles behavior (with similarities in other weird historical films) we have a beautifully perverse scene where on opposite ends, the Catholic Louis (Sun King) shoots protestants dressed as animals (game) in his palace garden.... yey

http://www.newagemedia.co.uk/01.jpg
http://www.newagemedia.co.uk/02.jpg

On your other points of criticism I personally whole heartedly agree. The preacher i think could be fleshed out a bit more - I mean i'd like to retain some mystery about him, and he's not necessarily a hero either (he condemns his own community to the civil war too.) But he does need humanity too.

As for the wooden cross thing - i think your right again in so much if we're going for historical stoic narrative of plausible incidents ;) But in this case we are being a little cheeky - taking advantage of absurdities and trauma to make such things possible (ie the wooden cross) But i'll definately consider your advice for the 'plan scene'. As that is a little simple (it might work like that if directed ironically, but definately we dont want an A-Team style villagers building montage hehe) These are things that would definately be fleshed out if i go feature with this concept.

So thank you good sir for your comments and ideas! I'll take them into account!

// Ah what the heck - heres another link to a scene from that movie - the mother superior is obsessed with the local priest ooh er... :P
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8Xgm1u_SF4&NR=1

[TimCollins]

Eddie Izzard would nail the role of Melville 100%. That would be a great thing to see.

Was the name 'Melville' a nod to John Pierre Melville? Perhaps not, but that's something I wondered when I first read it.

[lawriejaffa]

A teeny weeny bit - nothing wrong with adding a sprinkle of french new wave hehe - thanks Tim :P

[jamiejay]

i like how pleasingly brutal this was. and the poodle was the perfect touch ;)

i agree that maybe an 80 foot cross wasn't exactly realistic over night, but i accept your response (anything is possible in the movies ;) it was still a nice ending with the trojan-horse-style attack. i even liked how melville continued to laugh until he saw his dead poodle...haha

i won't belabor the western vs. scottish period piece point because you have already answered that and, as others have said, the elements are there and could be made even more evident in stylizing...

very hollywood... i was thoroughly entertained. good job! :)

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there buddy cheers! Yep lol talking about the cross though its not like its er height (and the number of guys with Melville who climb up it) has any particular relevance. If i made this then bet your ass it won't be that high - probably a third height and 20 guys hehe! So I'll definatlely look at that.

Very Hollywood now thats unexpected hehe as this is from a kind of 60s70s spaghetti western/british romantic cinema perspective but Hollywood! What bits spoke to you jamie as a hollywood movie just out of curiousity (as we all derive our own perspectives don't we!)

[jamiejay]

i meant hollywood in a good way... crowd-pleasing... a psychotic and eccentric villain we love to hate, fantastic brutality, drastic situations, a clever ending, justice in the end carried out by an innocent young girl, and interesting history to boot ;) like apocolypto or the patriot... entertaining, satisfying, and educational at the same time... i liked it.

[lawriejaffa]

Oh sure i didn't presume you meant it in a bad way haha just never in a millions years would see that as a particularly hollywood like ending! (just different perspectives i guess!) I don't mean anything by it of course except as a cute observation!

[jamiejay]

i guess it depends on which hollywood films you watch.. haha... never was one who needs a happy hollywood ending myself... maybe i am just twisted ;)

[Frank Witkam]

The amount of detail in this script is amazing.(especially in the violence) You write like you were there, Lawrie. You must have spent a lot of time on research for the script. The villain was great too, not an easy one to forget.

The twist at the end with the girl killing off Melville was the only part that didn't completely work for me. Maybe it seemed too easy to kill him off like that. Living without his poodle would probably be a better punishment for him than death.

[lawriejaffa]

Hey Frank thanks for the comments! I'll consider that in mind about the girl! I should add that when she bumps the guy off - its not a kind of triumphant scene exactly - but just another turn of the absurd wheel of violence and mayhem. The idea also is that the child herself becomes a murderer - and that Melville (Who does not see her charge) is busy crying his peepers out (welcoming death in his own way.)

Of course part of us wants to see Melville get his comeuppance hehe (but is it worth it should that cause for a young girl to become a murderer? Tainted forever by her act.) Thats the larger question really!

The film Soviet ww2 psycho-darma, 'Come and See' has an INCREDIBLE sequence at the end with a similar (er better) exploration of this idea. If you check out its montage end on youtube you'll see what i mean!

Exactly, see when i am installed as Dictator of Maryland, the way for the American resistance to depose me would be to kidnap my cat Jaffa! Nooooo

[Mark C]

Amazing work! I'm so impressed on how much emotion and story you have been able to deliver in just these few pages. For me the selling point was the motivation you used for justifying this resistance. It's brilliant. Nothing seems to move people to blood and war faster then the need to protect and fight for their religion. While extremely violent, it works because the story gives the audience what it needs to accept it. This, combined with the symbolism placed throughout ( The poodle, The 80 foot cross) just adds to the overall accomplishment. Again, amazing work here

[lawriejaffa]

Thanks Mark - you certainly know how to make a guy blush (ooh er) hehe ;) seriously thanks! I'm just glad I didn't get it the wrong way around with an 80 foot poodle and a tiny cross! Now that would have been a story!

[Tormod]

I`ll give my review without looking at the other posts.

Lawrie, you`ve done it again! :P The setting is great, and I love the way you told a small story, set in a bigger nationwide conflict.

The characters are convincing and really interresting. I like that you put a priest as your main character as a symbol of the good, it helps keep the contrast to all the horrors that are done. Melville could feel one sided, Pure evil, but you show that he cares so much about his poodle, so you show there`s something more to him, and that also tells me something about his backstory. That he cares more for his pet, than for his men.

The story of the Relic fits the setting well and tells of mans greed and lust for wealth, even though horrific events happen all around them.

One thing that I didn`t understand was why Melville took the priest with him. At first I thought he was going to torture him to tell him where the cross is, but then he cuts off his tounge. And why does he leave the town, just to come back later. Was it because the covenant forces took over the town? If so, why did you choose not to show it?

When the priest returns to the village it would normally seem to random, but for some reason here, I believe it. As you said in the script; "It`s a miracle, but somehow he has returned to his parish"

There is some very clever writing in here and the dialogue flows great.
I especially liked this line; It would shock a normal child, but in this age nothing can.
When Melville talks to his poodle about how he was bound to a horsecart wheel, I felt this took me out of the scene a bit. There`s nothing wrong about him doing this, I just didn`t feel it fit that particular scene. I`d rather see how it would work in the scene where he has shot the kid bound to the wheel a little later in the story.

The tone of the script is dark, it flows and most of all consistent so great job.
Structure is also great!

The ending for me was also a bit strange. I just feel it ended a bit quick. The girl hits him in the back of the head with a rock and then boom. done.

But this is all nitpicking. The only real issue I have is that it doesn`t feel like a western. It is a great script and I know you plan to perhaps produce it (you should) but for this fest I think it may be a bit out of place.

But hey, you invented the word haggis western, so who am I to say it doesn`t fit that genre! And I haven`t exactly seen that many westerns either.

But all in all, this is a great script and I would love to see it realized!

Btw. I also don`t think a little girl is strong enough to "cracking his skull like a crumpled eggshell". But then again. I guess it depends on the size of the rock...

Cheers!

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there mate! Thank you for the feedback mon amie!

Yep takes the priest to find out where cross is, to take prisoners in general etc. OOooh what else the bit about the chap talking to the poodle (somebody else mentioned that) but most havent as an issue. My theatrical back ground hehe loves those asides so its not 'natural' but stylistically i think it works. Its too much fun getting inside the villains head a bit and is intended as a scene (with the poodle) within a scene hehe - rather than a sudden monologue. (It counts as a scene so long as i have a cutaway of the dog right? haha he could go woof)

Yep you see i like the sudden ending because the script is about the futility of war and the corruption it causes. The ending is violent - and seems happy (villain buys it) but at the cost of the kids innocence. The priest is a goodie but think about it - he asks his parishoners to sign up 'onto one side in a civil war!!!' - so he brings the royalists about their heads. So you see there are more shades of grey than you might imagine going on here. Violence is evil, but violence can be served with a noble visage or an evil one its consequences are the same - death.

The extended ending of a girl say running off to the woods, or for follow up text saying 'and so it was that the war would go on etc' is just too hammy for me. Let the last moment be the cracking of a mans skull.

Oh and yes a girl can crack a man's skull (fracture) with a jaggy rock lol (obviously you need to visit Kirkcaldy) :P

About the Western setting - i think the challenge here is that because it really requires a film to create a visual culture as it were of expectation. Ie. a number of films to break a perception - then to read something not set in the wild west can be hard to believe 'is' a wild west story. I mean Blaine and most have got the western elements inserted - but i wouldnt expect most folk too unless they were watching a finished film.

[NJPage]

Hi Lawrie! Well, what an exraordinary, outrageous script this is, but Soooo... entertaining.
I don't do 'technical' crits - well not yet - a beginner... later maybe...???
I can comment only on the story and the characters. 'Haggis Western' clearly belongs to you - a new genre(?)
The characters seemed well defined and I found myself drawn most peculiarly to Melville... he must have had such a difficult childhood, poor little dear, obviously mummy didn't care enough for him...
Scriptwise, I think the more you 'exaggerate' this character, the more fun a viewing audience would enjoy him and poodle (give poodle a name) - lending even more of a contrast with ie the beleagered Preacher.
The wee girl polishes off Melville with one smacky bop on the head... Mmmm How would it be if she stumbles over said poodle, hears a tiny squeak, picks it up and finds it is still alive???
This would allow for Poodle 2... the sequel...
Just being silly Lawrie - the script is fabulous, one of the best. Yey...

[Tim Joy]

Ha ha! Hollywood poodle-carrying wo(man) meets an old East/Western.. Did they really have muskets back then?

I liked your bad guy character. He was a fun b@stard, and you definitely went all the way with the violence. Eeewhh. Some of the imagry made me want to hurl, (and that was a good thing btw).

A very satisfying ending.

I think you could still trim a little fat off this script. I feel like it's dangerous territory to explain how characters are feeling, versus showing it somehow, and in most cases here, it was pretty obvious anyway. Also, I think those choices are better left to the director and actors... sometimes.

You have a unique style that could be misinterpreted unless the reader is familiar with you and all the of the "uniqueness" you embody.

It was an engaging read, and had good focus even though there were many characters. Awards to you for grossing me out to the core, while delivering a great payoff.

[lawriejaffa]

Did they really have muskets back then?


Hehe ya daftie - the answer is a resounding yes! Boom Puff! Thanks for the unique comment its definately an attribute of mine (that im helpless to suppress haha)! I wasn't aware i'd spent too much text describing how characters felt though? At least in the introspective non visual form?! Though its true root and tested advice for us all to recall when scriptwriting. As a producer im in a slightly unique position of usually writing for our own productions (though i dont want to do that all the time) and it would be great to have someone produce one of my short scripts hehe!

NJPage (Thaank you) very much hehe your cheque is in the post!!! Im really glad you enjoyed it guys! It wouldn't be a spaghetti or Haggis western without some perversion!

[ZazaCast]

I quite enjoyed this! Getting to know your 'style' from previous posts and reviews helped me to appreciate this script even more. I love this time period, location and everything that comes with it.

You have a talent for in-depth description. I could really see the Preacher…and Melville, well, let me just say he’s easy to hate (and I was glad to see you gave him exactly what he deserved). All in all, a fine short.

That said…and I’m no writer, I felt the ending was totally predictable. I would have liked to been lead down the path, shown the water, but when I went to drink…an alligator lurches out and bites my head off.

Now please excuse me… I suddenly have an intense craving for a tongue sandwich & a steaming bowl of ‘Manly Water’ (Goat’s head soup)…with a side of haggis. FREEDOM!!!

[lawriejaffa]

Freeeedom hehe :P good man thanks for the feedback ZAZA!

[Rustom Irani]

Substitute Townsfolk being hounded by ranchers; with Covenants and Royalists.

You've done a clever bit of originality to the genre. Great job there.

Love gore, when it is totally motivated. People in War are sick SOB's and those semi Medievel dudes were like kooky for Torture time.

I'm not familiar with your script-writing but something tells me that you've deliberately chosen to throw caution to the windmills as it were, and stick to a style of narration many would Tsk! Tsk! over.

Heck, you might be producing it for all I care. Does it affect pacing and flow as a reader?

Well, honestly, some bits do. Especially the opening which I totally picture as scrolling text or better yet the wee Lassie doin' the openin' V.O. That'd be awesome.

The pacing and scene transitions seem rather quick. No surprise there. But your characters kept me at it. Which is always a good thing.

Great characters. Excellent motivation and epic story. Expand this! This right now is again at least 30 pages, if not more.

All the best. Appreciate the comments for "Patch-up Kid"!!!

[Noel Evans]

Lawrie, theres some minor stuff in there not worth mentioning. A line of dialogue here an over description there.

Heres how I felt about it in summation. I would love to watch this on the big screen.

[lawriejaffa]

I would love to watch this on the big screen.


Thats the kindest compliment I could recieve - thank you very much for saying that Noel :) It just depends, if there was marketability in a violent genre historical western style film set in Scotland - that i could produce and put out on the hpx500 - and folk were up for it then i would definately consider developing it further because its a fascinating subject to write about. Its also so surreal to take that and transplant it into a european film perspective of american history (ie italian directors vision of the wild west lol)

It was a pleasure Rustom to comment on your script it was really enjoyable! Its a funny time period this as its in between medieval and 'the patriot' its an era of pikeman and muskets. (Think Oliver Cromwell, English civil war) thats the era. Puritans etc.)

Yep if i expand this then who is really the most interesting character - well its Melville I guess, but he's obviously not the lead - that would be the preacher. But i guess he's a villain we'd want some decent screen time with as he went about being camp and evil (in own principled version of er holy war!)

[NJPage]

Hi again Lawrie! I submitted my feedback on your script earlier. Good to see you are recieving such rave reviews. Yup - or should I say - Aye - Covenant is in my 'fistful of favourites'...

[lawriejaffa]

http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/452/cowboyu.th.jpg (http://img5.imageshack.us/my.php?image=cowboyu.jpg)

Yep you can check out the thumbnail hehe - this is what i was wearing while giving feedback to everyone elses scripts! YeeeHAH!

[Noel Evans]

LMAO when I clicked on your pic, this is how it showed on image shack.

You on the left as well ? :P

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/8361/1238204123.jpg

[lawriejaffa]

lol exactly! I call it the indy filmmaker diet! (Others call it starvation!)

Muahhaahah screw it ill put up a direct link - thought i was being reaaal smart using a forum pic button thing but NOooooo

http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/452/cowboyu.jpg

But i got a feeeeeeling its too big - and my ass is about to get 'mod'ified - have mercy Isaaac! Meeercy! That's me playing bandit#2 (in everyone's script!)

[MrKilloran]

Lawrie, what a superb treat, I loved your Haggis-Western.

Melville is despicable, just so twisted and sadistic... and a lover of cute dogs. The fact that you made him so evil but then he has that small touch of humanity, that one thing he really, actually cares for added some great depth to his character. It also makes him quite memorable.

It's all quite dark. The violence and brutality is top-notch.
It would shock a normal child, but in this age nothing can. that line really holds a lot of weight towards the violent acts happening to these people, gives it a farther reach.

You were not kidding about the grand scenes in your script either, that finale was something else!

You certainly have a knack for descriptive language, each scene is so visceral and richly detailed I saw everything laid out before me. Really marvelous work. Alba Go Bragh :beer:

[lawriejaffa]

Hey bro cheers man glad you liked it - I love a good villain hehe but you always have to give them an angle - an edge - and a bit of charisma. Being a bit theatrical mines always end up having some peculiar 'camp' to them!

[preston]

notes as i read the script:

hey, this aint no western! where's the cowboys and indians! no whiskey either! haha sorry, just kidding. i'll keep reading now...

very good writing so far. ambitious start from what i can tell. the first description block reads like it might work as a slate before the story (film) actually begins...

well this just got violent, huh? now i'm really hooked.

really violent...

...really, really violent with the hacking of the ears.

still good writing here. i'm on page six and it's flowing nicely.

MELVILLE whispering to the poodle (as the town burns) is just sick.

80-ft tall wooden cross. wow. like a Trojan Horse perhaps?

MELVILLE brought a band with him? this guy is nuts.

ha! i knew it. ooh, and the girl got him in the end.

-------

great script, Lawrie. i wish the girl would've rescued the poodle! but seriously, i think your writing is very well developed and your storytelling is much more intriguing (to ma at least) than last fest. well done.

[lawriejaffa]

Rock on bro - thanks for the feedback, i love that review style ;) Brilliant! See you in Questfest i hope mate!

[leepback]

Sorry Lawrie, a fun well written romp but I just couldn't feel the westerness in it.

Maybe a hypocritical comment coming from somebody basing theirs in modern day Australia.

[lawriejaffa]

Funny you should mention Australia!!



It's a bit more of a push than say an Australian western but it fits nonetheless. This story is western by content rather than its setting. And your characters are also universal in nature. It could just as easily have worked in the American West...with minor changes, so I love the fact that you took a genre and gave it a new twist.



That was feedback from papa bear Blaine hehe and is kinda where I stand myself. You see there is no 'haggis western' made - so in terms of style you can't read this script and think of another movie. But by content its all there...

But was that the be-all and end all of your feedback!!! lol - a 'fun romp' - which bit - the mutilation of a priest? the religious inspired genocide? the execution of a child - what the heck do you do for fun on weekends? hehe ;)

Slightly blithe feedback leepback... ;) but thanks for reading!

[conlanforever]

Nah...I don't really buy you as Bandit #2. Bandit #3 perhaps, but never Bandit #2.

Ah...you sick fiend. I just had to give this another read and I believe I enjoyed it even more the second time.

On this read I was especially struck by the scene when the Preacher sings (sans tongue ofc) and Melville strikes the band to play along. This is really a great visual.

I also came to the conclusion, that Melville needs to suffer a bit more. On the first read I liked it ending with the girl bashing him with a rock. However on the second read, I was really more aware of the numerous atrocities that Melville brings upon these people.

So now I think his demise could be a bit more brutal. Maybe the townspeople , led by the Blacksmith, could tear him apart with their barehands. They could surround him while he's grieving over his dead Poodle. I could see Melville surrounded by villagers spouting rhetoric right to the end.

Or maybe they could really mangle him up and then the little girl could bash him in the head. I'm not really sure, but just after a second read it seems Melville should suffer a bit more. Besides it'd fit right in with the rest of the brutality.:Drogar-Evil(DBG):

That said, this is one of my favorites, nice to see someone write characters more screwed up then my own. hehe

[leepback]

Slightly blithe feedback leepback... ;) but thanks for reading!

I was a bit rushed at the time but am not really a man of many words anyway unless I feel I know what I'm talking about and wont come off as some jackass.

Quite frankly I didn't even know the meaning of "blithe" so had to look it up.
If words were weapons I'd only be armed with a deringer.
I don't consider myself a writer or even well read!

For this reason I don't often feel that I have the right to critique scripts to the level that some others can. More often I'll just reply regarding some plot point which as an audience member I feel qualified to mention. As for formating I have no idea other than what I have seen in this bunch of scripts.

I's been some time and many scripts since I last looked at yours and to tell the truth I can still remember most of it reasonably vividly. Now the fact that it stands out could be because it's really good or alternately it's so bad it's memorable. Obviously it's not laughably bad. I think the thing that stands out for me are the characters and the way you have painted them. Not sure about the ending with the big cross and this has been bought up by others already.

As some background have a look at my WESTFEST script via my sig and you will notice that my writing is tradesman like rather than that of a true writer. I didn't make the deadline because I only became aware of this comp afterwards but after reading some felt I had to join in the fun in some small but insignificant way. It's the first script I have ever written down. I think that my "terse writing style"(Blaine) might be to some advantage as a lot of the scripts I've looked at forget they are scripts rather than books and tend to get a bit flowery with images that aren't actually going to play out on screen. (this isn't aimed at yours btw.)

Now - back to that westerness.

I'm sorry, it probably ticks all the boxes and I wasn't talking dsq or anything, I just didn't feel it and think, perhaps unfairly, you will be marked down by some for this reason. You cant argue with me on this level as it's a feeling. It's like (about ten years ago) when we were having a referendum on becoming a republic which I was passionately for. My colleague was against it and we were having a rational debate going over the political and legal ramifications etc. He eventually felling a little embarrased said he liked the Queen and that was why he wanted the status quo to remain. Argument over, how could I argue about what he liked regardless of my feelings?

Anyway hope I've cast off my "blitheness" a little and I'm sure you will do well in the rankings. I'm still getting through some more scripts at present. The good thing is that due to this website and this fest I have been inspired to write down some of my ideas into this style of formating. It's great as it forces you to actually structure your story rather than have some basic plotline sitting out there unresolved.

Cheers

[lawriejaffa]

Its okay to express your feelings mon amie, its just that you might expect some challenge if your comments are short abstract criticisms.

I'm sorry but your feedback is just going to have to improve Leepback :P (you know im yanking your chain eh? hehe its all good)

[DarkElastic]

So Lawrie, Have you decided what changes (if any) you are going to make to your short? Or are you going to develop it straight into a feature? Or will it remain in your computer, never to be touched again?

[lawriejaffa]

Well a script is just like a girl - if you leave her long enough someone else will er touch it (thats um a horrible analogy!)

No no, a script is like a man, and a man touching his own script is like touching his... er...

Well I love the Sergio Leonne spaghetti westerns - i like the political edge in particular to a Fistful of Dynamite. Ken Russell, a British director tackles historical themes with huge amounts of excess style (in particular towards his violent/sexuality themes and their visualisations!

Technically speaking the short features pretty much all the biggest set piece scenes - otherwise spread out would be individual moments / confrontations (smaller action scenes) and general character development.

From the feedback Melville appears to be the star - and so the hero in this sense should bare the humanity of the piece. Melville its perverse irony.

Production wise id reduce the number of dudes on the script, but basically i think it could be produced as a micro budget for about $30k probably less.

It really depends if there would be a market for it :P

I hate to say it, but maybe just maybe there is in a modest way! A Haggis Western?