...on Friday.

[RodThompson]

LOGLINE: A Stranger rides into town on Friday, stays three days and then leaves on Friday.

Okay finished the BS page-one rewrite, but was really happy with this second go-round.

For furious, writing power, I harness the almighty greatness of YO YO Ma: http://www.imeem.com/isuda/music/sg4gZz2H/yo-yo-ma-12-the-good-bad-ugly-ecstasy-of-gold/

EDIT: Hella mad. Had to trim the opening dialogue...no I be not happiester.

I apologize for the page break errors. I tried five different times to fix them, but the .doc to .pdf conversion is screwy it seems.

[Ezekiel667]

Hmm? Well if nothing else I'm very interested on how this occurs. Cant wait to read it!

[Noel Evans]

Youre finished? HEH Im still rolling the marbles. Sounds interesting .

[Jared Meyer]

Reminds me of the man with the wooden leg named Smith.

[Nektonic]

Youre finished? HEH Im still rolling the marbles. Sounds interesting .

Well, I've lost my marbles and they're rolling around on the floor.

Seriously though, I'm still hashing out ideas.

[RodThompson]

The second I saw the theme the idea popped into my head and I rolled with it over a day before typing the first word.

I'm hella happy with it though.

[Nektonic]

The second I saw the theme the idea popped into my head and I rolled with it over a day before typing the first word.

I'm hella happy with it though.

That's great. You have plenty of time to let it sit and come back later for a couple polishes before the due date.

I'm narrowing down three ideas, might do two of them and then pick which one I want to focus on refining.

[lawriejaffa]

Good luck with the ideas Nektonic! Mind to update your thread!

[seansshack]

Looking forward to the read.

[conlanforever]

The logline has certainly peaked my interest. I'm looking forward to seeing how it develops.

[Tom Shortridge]

Can't wait to read this one, dude.

Now if only I can come up with my own story...

[TimCollins]

I'm interested to see how this plays out. Catchy premise! :thumbup:

[RodThompson]

May be pulling my entry. PC at work crashed taking On Friday with it. Not sure if I can recapture that same magic, but I'll try...so noncool.

[Chris_Keaton]

Ah, sure you can. I swear we won't let anyone steal it!

[RodThompson]

Ouch

[Keth Andril]

Time Travel meets western maybe? Sounds interesting. Can't wait to read it.

[RodThompson]

Finally breaking down to rewrite it...may not make it in time.:zombie_smiley:

[TimCollins]

Oh no! Hurry up... I expected this one to blow my mind

[Sarah Daly]

You can do it Rod!!!!

[RodThompson]

Updated first post

[TimCollins]

I apologize for the page break errors. I tried five different times to fix them, but the .doc to .pdf conversion is screwy it seems.

Same thing happened to me when I would transfer word docs to .pdf. Frustrating indeed.

But I think defying the laws of time should more than make up for page break errors. :beer:

[RodThompson]

No time travel. I get that fix from LOST.

Just a simple riddle, with a more rounded answer to fit the scenario.

[jamiejay]

looking forward to reading... sounds interesting! :)

jamie

[RodThompson]

I AM SO PISSED! I just looked at my script and found errors.

ERRORS! NOOOOOOO!

[lawriejaffa]

Oh we all usually do Rod don't sweat it ;)

This was a decent yarn - with particular highlights for me being the convincing father and son banter, and the simple but effective structure of the story and action oh and of course the actual riddle itself and its role in the story!

There was nothing that struck me as 'oh this i dont like' in the script! Let's see what bits could maybe have more etc in them imo?

Do you think it might benefit from more even more intensity in the scenes with the bandits and the boy at the start - that they in fact end up physically trying to seize him (before one is shot.) Or that they are playing with the idea of using the boy in some kind of sadistic game to amuse themselves (beyond the boys perception but well within the fathers.)

The ending dialogue of 'stranger' with his 'closure monologue' of the heart - could perhaps be a little bit overly sentimental? Not that its unwarranted given the characters circumstances, but its a bit out of keeping with his hardman intimidation/dark talk at the bar before hand?

Both of which are hardly huge points in my estimation hehe and in all an enjoyable romp good sir!

[RodThompson]

Thanks! That means a lot coming from a man of your stature. :)

[Ezekiel667]

I really liked it. I agree with lawrie. The dialogue between the father and son was really good, and the dialogue in the bar was excellent as well. I like that you gunfight was in a high speed wagon chase. Wasn't expecting one of those haha. The riddle aspect pulled the entire script together IMO, especially the final lines of dialogue you have, chilling and badass all at the same time.

Great job man!

[RodThompson]

Thanks Zeke!

[Blaine]

A simple straightforward story well done. I think we all know who the stranger is when he enters the bar, but then the story isn't trying to hide it. In fact, we need to know, to make the story work. Again, simple but effective dialogue. I could see this one being shot for a DVXUser fest. I think it could be reworked to fit the 6 minute format without losing its punch. There is nothing in here that is not doable on a modest budget, depending on one's location. Here in SoCal I'm sure it could be done.

Did the story dazzle me? No. But it DID entertain me. It was a very quick read...lot's of white space without feeling like talking heads.

Good job.

[TimCollins]

Hey man, I thought this was a good, uncomplicated story and a fun read.

Your dialogue was great; easy and fun to read. Especially some of the lines from the Stranger at the end. I had just watched The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly before these were released for viewing, so I totally pictured some of those lines coming from Eastwood.

One thing though, at the end when the Stranger explains that he made up his own answer for the riddle, I don't really follow his explanation there. But despite not following it, the way it was worded was great and takes me back to the Eastwood point.

Overall: a fun read, goob job brosef!

[Mark C]

Wow, I know your probably tired of hearing this but great dialogue! This was so much fun to read and I was was moved at the start of the story with the father and son. You created so much emotion there with just a few pages and made us care about those characters. Not an easy thing to do!

[conlanforever]

This was a smooth , quick fun read for me. Nice simple story with heart. I don't really have anything new to add to what's already been said.

Really liked the dialogue/relationship you created between the Father and son, very believable and I cared about what was going to happen to them.
Also nice banter between the stranger and the spaniard.
Nice work!

[seansshack]

Formatting and structure are spot on. Short, well written descriptions and lots of blank space on the space (vertical writing as they like to see in the business).

I would give more to the character descriptions, simple age and description would do.

example:

The PIANO MAN plays a solemn refrain.

A little ways ahead, four banditos, RUIZ, JOSE, MIGUEL, and
the SPANIARD approach.

Other places you gave age but not for these.

With flashbacks I would imped it into sluglines:


EXT. TOWN – SUNSET - FLASHBACK

The Stranger rides into town.

END FLASHBACK:

But this is more a matter of style as from what I read, either will do.


Overall an effective story, well told. Screenplay writing style and formatting is well above the norm and does justice to your work.

[RodThompson]

Wow! Thanks guys!

To address the dialogue with the father and son, I wanted to introduce the riddle but without them just riding along and the father saying, "Wanna hear a riddle?"

The preceding convo is something my mom used to say to me when I was a kid. Everytime I'd say that I did not need her help, she'd say, "I need to call the news!" and I would of course be shocked and be like, "Why?!" Then the punchline about having the smartest kid on Earth would follow.

This felt like a good lead in, and I guess it worked! :)

I'll address the story itself in a few. Baby's waking up./

[NJPage]

Hiya Rod! I loved reading this story told in a natural dialogue that just drew you in. Very clever too keeping our avid attention to discover the answer to the riddle. But I enjoyed you style anyway, so would have read on regardless.

[jamiejay]

good writing. a solid script. i liked the idea of the riddle and the father and son scene was great as others have already mentioned.

very, very minor nitpick- you described the spaniard as having a mexican accent. was he spanish or mexican? any reason why he is just the spaniard while the other three have names? just curious... is "the spaniard" his nickname?

i liked it. good job! :)

jamie

[RodThompson]

Yeah. Thought The mexican was too racial. lol

[MrKilloran]

I've heard the riddle before and was curious how you'd pull a script out of that, have to say, well done sir.

It was entertaining although nothing really stood out to me visually but it was certainly sincere. The dialogue is natural and I really liked the simple and effective storytelling. The last line, was like a nice big "f' you" to the Spaniard, it is so great - he's not out for answers but for revenge. It was powerfully delivered.

Great job!

[Luis_]

(why does this always happen to me)

Excuse me Rod, but where is it? can I read it too? I want in on the fun :)

--Luis

[DarkElastic]

Hi Rod, I have just read your script, good stuff.

As mentioned, it is an easy read which is structured very well. Also, the dialogue, it is excellent and for me, the Spaniard's dialogue is exceptionally good.
I loved how you took a classic riddle and built your story around it.

Overall, a simple, clever and effective short script. Well done.

[Tim Joy]

Very intriguing read. Kept me glued to the page. I knew the answer to the riddle, as I'm sure many do, and it worked well as something the audience knows but the characters don't. Keeps you rooting for the characters

I really liked the setup and thought the relationship and the dialog between father and son were both very well done, and it read so naturally. The only thing I was confused about was the identity of the stranger.

I have to think about this one some more. Excellent writing.

[RodThompson]

stranger = son

[NJPage]

Hi there again! Well, I didn't know the riddle - but for those that do, I'm sure it wouldn't detract from the script. Thing is, when you're 'lost' in a story (well when I'm lost in a story), I like to be carried in the flow and not try to work things out. I like this script more each time I read it - 3 times now!

[arroway]

nice sparse writing style.

good breezy dialogue.

fast paced read.

could easily be produced.

didn't really understand this bit:

STRANGER (CONT)
…die. So if’n I came here
with hate in my heart three
days ago, and tonight I’m at
peace, then I can leave when
I’m sure you’re dead with a
clear head. You follow’n?

my one criticism is the 20 year old revenge plot is a little far-fetched. how did he track them all down? he didn't know their names, they didn't have any readily identifiable features that an 8 year old boy would never forget. "once upon a time in the west" is built upon the exact same premise but it had explanations for all of these questions.

[RodThompson]

my one criticism is the 20 year old revenge plot is a little far-fetched. how did he track them all down? he didn't know their names, they didn't have any readily identifiable features that an 8 year old boy would never forget. "once upon a time in the west" is built upon the exact same premise but it had explanations for all of these questions.

That's the beauty of short fiction...:huh:

[Sarah Daly]

Solid, simple, great hook with the riddle and it ties the whole thing together. Yes, he waited a while to get revenge...but this is explainable - I wasn't too worried about that. Overall, a really well written, clever story. I particularly liked the relationship between the father and son that you painted so expertly in the first page. I was genuinely affected when they were shot. This is quite a feat after such a short time spent with them.

So great job - one of my favourites!

[krestofre]

I liked this one a lot. I can't find anything wrong with it or anything that I would change. Nice story, nice setup, nice payoff.

[REHov520]

I liked this one. Even though I pretty much knew exactly what was going to happen from P. 5 and on, the riddle added an extra level to this that lifts it up above your run of the mill revenge story.

Two main problems I had: Stranger's dialogue is way too self-analytical at the end for me. It's like he's trying to describe his own character, in that he's been one man before and now he's going to be another man altogether. I think this is a really cool idea in the way that it works with the riddle (they're two different men?), but the Stranger's explanation of it is just way too overt and hitting us over the head. Try and get this idea across more subtly if possible.

Secondly, I very much think you should lose the last line of the script. The fact that he knew the correct answer to the riddle irritated me. I really liked the idea that he had this wrong answer in his head, that it was two different men, and he was relating this to him taking revenge on the bandidos. So he thinks he's got it all figured out, he'll march into town and kill them and leave as a different man and everything will be better. But then the bartender gives him the real explanation, pulls the rug out from under him, and he realizes he's the same guy as he was before and the real answer was something much more trivial. It would give the whole act of revenege a more ambivalent feel. By making him know the answer all along you lose that, and the whole riddle thing becomes more gimmicky to me.

Good job!

[leepback]

One thing though, at the end when the Stranger explains that he made up his own answer for the riddle, I don't really follow his explanation there.

I'd have to agree it didn't make sense to me at all. Perhaps it's me?

I think the trouble I had was that by this time I had already figured out the riddle. Not saying I'm some sort of genius, possibly have heard it before in one of those lateral thinking games so the explanation he gave threw me a lot.

Being a bit self indulgent here but I reckon you could have the SPANIARD ask the riddle of the FATHER as a sort of password to get by unscathed thus giving the SON a real need to know the answer. Just my humble suggestion. (maybe a bit cliched)