Scarred Cross

[conlanforever]

(The script is attached to this post)

*Scarred Cross

Priests, Sex, Nuns, a Dog and a nail gun.
__________________________________________________ ______________



This script is not eligible for competition. Its too late and too long. I actually had a rough draft of it done in time, but I just couldn't get the extra couple of pages shaved off.

So, I'd encourage everyone to make sure to read and rank the eligible scripts before this.

That said, I would really appreciate feedback on this script. I highly value the critiques given in these fests. If you have time to read it, thank you.

I definitely went with the dark, lurid definition of Pulp.

*The script is attached to this post.

[preston]

ahh, i was wondering why we didn't see a script from you this time... i'll definitely give it a read.

EDIT: i just saw the log line - wow.

[krestofre]

Good script. Very good script. If this made it into the Fest I think your chances to win would be high. I especially like the connection you made with the dog. You also establish the nail in the hand just enough to get your point across without beating us over the head with symbolism.

Excellent work.

[conlanforever]

Preston...I hope the actual script has the same wow fatcor for you as the logline. lol

Krestofre...Thanks for the comments and kind words, I appreciate it. I knew I was walking a fine line in some areas of the script. I'm glad to hear that the symbolism worked for you.
Thanks for reading.

[jamiejay]

i read your script and i loved it. if you are going to cross a line like that one, you had better do it well, and you did just that. i'm sad you didn't enter the script in the fest because it would have been in my top fo sho. i thoroughly enjoyed it.

the only thing that i felt could be left out was the dog. i love dogs, but i wanted her to just pull out some inner strength to get the job done on her own somehow. like inigo montoya. she deserved the satisfaction.

i am definitely a fan and i look forward to reading more of your scripts in future fests! :)

[conlanforever]

Jamie - Thanks for reading and thanks for the compliments. Its much appreciated.
The dog seems to be a bit polarizing. I had a couple people read the script before I posted here and one loved the dog and one wanted me to change it.
My first two posts here, same thing, lol.

When I first conceived the story I had the dog in it, when I got near the end of writing the script I actually felt the pull to have her fight her way out of it herself, but I wrote the way I had set out to originally. I was happy with how it turned out, but even I was torn a bit with that element of the script.

Thanks again for commenting, glad you liked it.

[Redcloak]

It's a very cool script. Like the dream sequence and the symbolism that then carries through. Very nicely written (perhaps a little too much description).

The dog- I prefer that she gets saved by it, as a metaphor that makes a lot of sense to me (although dogs have a more satanic based mythology I guess). I'm not entirely sure I like the image of it in the dream sequence and I'm afraid I don't understand the significance of the hand gesture she makes to it...

Also, I know it's late, and too long and so not in the fest anyway, but is it really that 'pulpy'? I know the log line is, but somehow it seems something else to me. Not to take away from the writing I really liked it.

[lawriejaffa]

Well im a little mixed on this script (so i'll be the dissenting voice here hehe;) but that said it is a script I enjoyed. It is a competent piece of writing but i don't feel its particularly as 'clever' as it seeks out to be. On the contrary i think it would work just fine as 'pulp' but i don't see its symbolism or hidden meaning being anything more sophisticated than say john carpenters vampires for example.

So comments righto - well i think the action lines could be shortened a bit, and overall i felt some of the story could be condensed (particularly sister rose.) I wasn't sure that really added much necessary information for the story.

The idea of gun toting christians fighting bad christians, pickups and shotguns is all painfully MidWestern and isnt the first realisation of good vs evil we've seen even in this competition - taking that biblical line. I think in terms of originality those conflicts should be explored deeper, be more original etc - less black and white as it were. Christians in particular (i'm not suggesting you are Conlan) could do a world of good to their conflict depictions by taking a more philsophical (shades of grey) approach. Was there any depth to our villain in this story? What did him being a priest really mean or do for the story?

The symbolism of the dream sequence was cool, but it felt a little contrived. Is evil so obvious - does evil have demonic eyes etc.

I don't know if your aware of this but its almost a universal yankee cliche in films that dogs end up being the hero... or dogs just can't be killed. In that way you may find an unnaturally cynical response to the dog rescue ending (outside dog lovin' states ;) - think evil europeans hehe than you would want.

The overall idea of a priest sexually abusing a girl, who herself comes to collect his confession is brilliant. That it should depicted in a pulp like way can work - but this either took itself too seriously or not seriously enough (as a non-pulp script) to work entirely.

That said if i had rated it btw i would have rated this a 7 ish (as style and taste being one thing i can see its a well written script and that others would like it more for the very qualities I criticise.)

Oh and heres a scary dream sequence with nuns! - the Movie 'The Devils' - you can watch it all on youtube, most recommended!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=J8Xgm1u_SF4

[Nektonic]

I finished the official entries, and will give yours a read later today conlan.

[conlanforever]

Redcloak - Thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it. Glad you liked the writing.

The hand gesture she makes, alludes to her rubbing the dogs ear as a way to comfort herself, so even after it's knocked away, she still tries to simulate the motion.

As far as it being Pulpy enough to be pulp...I don't know I think the question has come up a few times in the fest. I can see where the lines are blurred, but I thought it had enough Pulp elements to fall into the genre. Thanks again for taking the time.

lawriejaffa - Thanks for reading and giving a well thought out critique, it is much appreciated.
This is the third script I've written and I definitely wandered into some unknown territory for myself. So I wasn't sure how all the different pieces would work together. (one of the reasons I really wanted to get input from other writers in the fest)

As far as Sister Rose, I have a lot of backstory in my head about her that I never intended to put on the page, so maybe I didn't get it on the page the way I should have.
There is more to their relationship. I tried to show that in the fact that Mel was ready to forgive the Priest but was not ready to forgive Sister Rose.

I can certainly see a point about giving the Priest some more depth.
The dream sequence is a little in your face, but it's a nightmare of what happened to her, so I'm not sure I could really alter that.

I admit I laughed out loud when I saw you mention that the "hero" dog was a yankee cliche, because I realized how right you are. We love our dogs. Maybe next time I'll go with a cat ;)

Thanks again for taking the time and I'll certainly take a look at "The Devils"

[lawriejaffa]

hehe well its good to blether about scripts and yours certainly is - tell me mon amie are you thining of producing this and if so - do you think you would take it down the pulp direction or somewhere else?

I think there has to be more to be said than evil priest meets his consequences (ya know?)

Im speculating a bit but the trick i sometimes think, is to take the cliches or cultural expetations of our audiences and pervert them (i am perverse!)

If you don't mind a bit of discussion - lets look at the father/priest character. Now, lets face it - if he believes in God - (and catholic consequences of sin...) then he surely wouldnt sexually abuse so recklessly - unless either he was mentally ill, or 'evil' - but even within that evil he couldnt all be evil.

The power of redemption within any character can be powerfully touching - and having our girl come for his confession is pretty intense (but we lose that as our father acts like a buffy vampire might!)

I would consider experimenting a bit, what if the priest ends up or dies in the midst of redemption and the dog is in fact evil. Rather than the big blonde cuddly retriever God would be - maybe its an oppressive force in the dream at the start, who knows.

Black dogs are like cats synonomous with eevviil and are a cliche unto themselves too. None of this cliche stuff really matters if we're playing with comic pulp (then its one liners and head-shots that razzle the crowd hehe) But if your aiming for something loftier then theres so much room for something a little deeper and unusual.

[conlanforever]

Nektonic - I look forward to your review.

lawriejaffa - I have no plans to produce it myself, as the option is not really available to me at this time. As far as it staying in the Pulp realm, I'm not really sure. It would probably stay as Pulp as it is now, but maybe with an expanded story. It might end up as a mix of genres.
Yes I agree there is more to be said than Priest meets consequences and there is quite a bit of backstory(especially between, Father, Sister Rose,Mel and Mark) I had in mind when wrote it.
Most 'villains' do tend to be more interesting if they are more than just evil and you can give them some more layers and depth.

As far as Priests sexually abusing children recklessly, that doesn't seem all that unbelievable, given the history of some. But I believe the Father in this case became a cult within his own Religion, believing that he was so close to God that he was nearly one himself. Until his mortality was upon him.

As far as the dog turning out to be evil, thats an interesting idea. But would definitely change quite a bit of the story as it is now.

But I appreciate the 'blether" was it? :beer:

[preston]

hey (this is a little off topic, forgive me)... how did you attach your .pdf to the first post? i thought i knew how, but i can't find the "attachment" icon anywhere.

[CallaghanFilms]

Very interesting concept you have here - and an original approach to boot.

No one can say this isn't "pulp"...it is as fine an example of "modern pulp" as you‘ll find.
(Riding around the outskirt perimeter of Taboosville)

I feel that the action to dialogue ratio was fairly teeter-tottered in the wrong direction.

I also saw the upper-hand gotten a little too often by the opposing sides.

That being said, I think you are on to a hot property here.

(Can you say "graphic novel"?):beer:

[conlanforever]

Preston - No problem, I'll send you a pm.

Callaghan - Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I'm happy to hear that you found the concept interesting and original.

I was hoping it would came across as a take on modern pulp, so I'm glad that it came through for you. As far as it being on the outskirts of Taboosville, the backstory I have in mind for the characters is probably in the heart of the ville :Drogar-Evil(DBG):

I'll admit writing dialogue pretty much scares the hell out of me and my first two short scripts were fairly heavy on the action as well. So it is something I definitely need to work on.

As far as the opposite side getting the upperhand to often, I can see a place where I could get condense of one such incident at the end and I think it could still work.

Thanks again and for the complements :beer:

Graphic novel, didn't think of it, but I like the idea.

[jasonthewho]

Hey, great work on this. Really thought out and specific script. Lots of great imagery.

One technical thing that I guess is a matter of preference. You go back and forth between calling characters two different things, i.e. Father/old man and Sister Rose/the nun. I find it more clear and easier to read if you stick to one name throughout after they've been introduced.

Here's a few assorted thoughts:
I'd like more with Sister Rose. She should get her comeuppance, or get away, but I'd like to find out which.
Along with that, I'd like to see April again, at the end. She's waiting for them to come back so they can go to the parish. Perhaps we could cut to her at the end, convinced that they've left her again (not sure of backstory here) only to have one of those motorcycle slowly appearing over the hill moments. Happy reunion, fade to black.
Killing the dog would be more depressing but more emotional too. Would remove one western cliche, while still being a religious image (the dog dying so that they can live, he takes her place on the "cross"). Imagine Mel rubbing the dog's ear as it passed away.
I agree with Lawrie that Father needs more depth. This story is just too rich for him to be so one-sided.
Interesting about him being a cult leader within the church. Perhaps he belongs in a more resplendant house/building, with followers in matching clothing, instead of the common thugs he has now.

Anyway, this script got me thinking a ton, and that's a great thing. This could be a fantastic film.

Very nice dialogue in this. You may be scared of it, but you write it well.

Your writing is excellent, as always.

[conlanforever]

Jason - Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

On the technical side , it was a conscious choice on my part to use two different things to call Father and Sister Rose. I thought it would sound redundant if I didn't, but on the other hand I don't want it to be confusing either. This gives me food for thought, my first concern is to make it an easy read.

I have some stuff in mind for Sister Rose and Father that could give them more depth and round the story out. There is a lot of backstory that is only barely hinted at in the script. But even if I kept this a "short', I agree with fleshing out Father and Sister Rose's story.

I like the scene suggestion of April waiting for them to come back , this would actually work well to uplift the story a bit, if the dog died.

Speaking of the dog, the end seems to have people divided and I felt the same way when I wrote it. But I kept it the way I had originally thought of.

I've heard good reasons on both sides to keep it the way it is or change it.
But your reasoning and the image that you created, has really given me a lot to think about.



Killing the dog would be more depressing but more emotional too. Would remove one western cliche, while still being a religious image (the dog dying so that they can live, he takes her place on the "cross"). Imagine Mel rubbing the dog's ear as it passed away.


I really like that image, it makes sense and fits well in the story.

I'm glad to hear that the dialogue worked for you.

As always, you have some great thoughts and ideas. I appreciate the kind words, thanks again.

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there Conlan - certainly I think you should consider more than just 'backstory' for the father in particular but also his 'purpose' not just in the plot but in the purpose of the story if you know what i mean.

Okay we have sexual abuse going on here (If im right) with the priest conducting it and the sister casting a blind eye. Thats heavy stuff - and it being so will bring far more scrutiny than say clint eastwood as the man with no name firing off against some bandits hehe.

Where that purpose can come in is with the development of the priest character. It makes the larger story a question of faith? Of sin? Perhaps even of Heresy.

Thats where im interested in seeing this story expand to - as if you can clinch what your really trying to say (even in a more or less action script like this) then i think the characters of the priest etc can get real credibility. But id certainly suggest not seeing it as merely fluffling the pillows as it were - these villains need real purpose - a purpose that must be partially seductive too - even corruptly so if these villains are to be an ounce more than a dismissed caricature.

It would be great if your up for it Conlan for you to post your expanded works on the script!

[nitramlehcar]

This definitely would've been in my Top 5. Great script, conlan. You really grabbed my attention from the beginning. Nice visuals. ;)

[alex whitmer]

Techie stuff first ...



This opens with quite a bit of reading. Zero dialogue. I’d do some tweaking so that dialogue at the top of page
two ends up on the bottom of page one. Just lightens it up and helps the reader turn the page.

Here for example you have a total of 13 lines including the spaces to intro your two main characters.

DREAM SEQUENCE - INT. OFFICE – NIGHT

Dim. A big archaic office. Shafts of light peek through
the curtains of a large window and fall over a large desk.

On the desktop , a woman lies on her back. MEL, 29, the
toughest pretty girl you've ever seen, her long hair is in
pigtails. She wears a pink cotton nightgown with rainbow
print and clutches a stuffed dog, she fervently rubs one of
it's ears between her thumb and two forefingers.

A MAN'S head is between her legs. He wears a crown of thorns, has long brown hair, a mustache and beard.
Mel CRIES out. The man pulls away from her inner thigh and leaves the deep imprint of a bite.

What if …

Large and archaic. Shafts of light peek through the curtains of a large window.

MEL, 29, pigtails, the toughest pretty girl the world has ever seen, lays on a large desk, clutches a
stuffed dog. She fervently rubs one of its ears between her thumb and two forefingers.

MAN, a crown of thorns on his head, pushes up her pink nightgown. He leaves a deep bite on her inner thigh.

13 lines down to 10 … 114 words down to 70.

A few thoughts here …

Opening line mentions office in the action line but you already have it in the slug. That’s gone.

Too much character attributes in Mel’s intro so I split it up – which brings up a question since I have not read ahead – how important is it Mel has a pink gown with rainbow prints? Is it imperative info to the story? That with pigtails and the
stuffed animal, I get she is like a young girl, which you could just wrap up in a few words.

How important is the Man’s hair and beard? Imperative?

Much of the info, like ‘on her back’ and ‘pulls away’ is just superfluous fluff and is inferred anyways. Leave it out.

More coming.

[conlanforever]

lawrie - You've raised some good questions and made some good points. It's definitely made me consider expanding on the character and the script. I can definitely see giving the priest more depth and some other characters as well.

rachel - Glad to hear you liked it, I appreciate you reading and commenting. I wanted to get some strong visuals in the beginning, so its good to hear that it grabbed you ;)

Alex - Thanks for the comments. I was having some trouble editing myself and tightening up the descriptions. I felt like I had made progress on my 2nd script 'Jon's Fall', but on this one, I couldn't seem to find the right words on a lot of this.

I knew that opening sequence with no dialogue would be a challenge and I was a little concerned with the execution.
I do feel the man's hair and beard is essential, as it implies who he may be. Maybe the crown of thorns is enough?

Mel's pink/rainbow print nightgown. I did want to imply she was a like a little girl, but I can see that it was probably more than needed, given the other details.

I can see how you re-constructed action and it helps a lot. Your advice is invaluable.
I look forward to the rest of your review. Its much appreciated.

[alex whitmer]

He climbs on top of Mel, pushes her nightgown up.

*You never really say what he’s doing, though I can imagine. Be specific.

This ...

INT. MOTEL BEDROOM - MORNING

The room is cheap and small.

*Cheap and small is enough. We already know it’s a room.

This ...

She opens her eyes and takes a slow, deep breath. Wipes
away tears with one hand. The other hand finds its way to her inner thigh and rubs the faint scar of a bite mark.

She tosses off the sheet and sits on the edge of the bed, wears army green boxer shorts and a white tank top style undershirt. A tattoo on her left shoulder of a SKULL with a LIGHTNING BOLT through its head, the word RANGERS beneath. A silver cross and dog tags hang from her neck.

*The first paragraph says ‘her hands finds its way to ...’, but the next says she tosses off the sheet, so how did we see what her hand was doing?

*Maybe mention she is under a sheet in the first action block.

*Try something like ...

INT. MOTEL BEDROOM - DAY

Cheap and small. Mel, her hair now short and choppy, is asleep in bed under a sheet, clutches a pillow.

Mel opens her eyes and takes a slow, deep breath. She wipes away tears, then sits on the edge of the bed.

She sheds the sheet to reveal army-green boxer shorts and a white tank top. A tattoo on her left shoulder of a SKULL with a LIGHTNING BOLT through its head, the word RANGERS beneath. A silver cross and dog tags hang from her neck.

*120 words down to 90.

This ...

A door opens slightly and a boy pokes his head into the room. MARK, 13, short brown hair, neatly combed.

*Not sure why you wouldn’t just intro Mark without usinf ‘a boy’

A door opens slightly. MARK, 13, short brown hair, neatly combed, pokes his head into the room.

Page 2

INT. MOTEL ROOM - MORNING

*We are already in the motel room. Is it an open floor plan? If so, why do you need this new slug. If not, then it’s not small as stated.

This ...

Mark in jeans and a plain button down shirt, sits at a small table in front of the window. A blonde girl, APRIL, 28, soft and pretty, in an oversized t-shirt and fuzzy slippers stands at the stove.

Need a comma after Mark.

*Lose ‘a blonde girl’. Also, you don’t need to be so specific with ages. Late 20s is ok, unless there is a solid reason to mention exact age.

*Should be ‘a window’ since this is its first intro.

*Need a comma after slippers.

Mark, in jeans and a plain button-down shirt, sits at a small table in front of a window. APRIL, 28, blonde, soft and pretty, dressed in an oversized t-shirt and fuzzy slippers, stands at the stove.

This ...

She brings a pan of eggs and bacon to the table and sits
down in one of the chairs.


*’in one of the chairs’ is pretty much a given. Unless there is something unique about it, leave that off.

This ...

An Interior door opens. Mel enters from the bedroom, her
movements are deliberate, her stance rigid. She wears black combat boots, impeccably shined. Black pants and a plain long sleeved black shirt with a Priest's collar.

*Well, I guess this isn’t so small if it has a separate kitchenette. Say kitchen door instead of interior.


More to come ...

[conlanforever]

Great stuff Alex. It seems so clear when you point it out. thanks

[alex whitmer]

Page 2

an old rebuilt Harley

*And how do we know it's rebuilt?

This ...

Mark exits out of the door nearest to the motorcycle

*Motels are so called since you can park outside your door. You can reword all this and consolidate ....

EXT. CITY - MOTEL -- SUNRISE

The Motel is small and dirty. The only vehicle in the parking
lot is an old rebuilt Harley Davidson. A seat for two, saddle
bags and a side car.

Mark exits out of the door nearest to the motorcycle. He
leaves the door open behind him and hops into the bike's
sidecar.

*First, both slug and first action mention motel. Kill that.

*Door nearest?

*Save 'sunrise' for the action. Keep slugs day or night.

*Try ...

EXT. CITY - MOTEL -- DAY

Small and dirty. Morning sun glimmers off a Harley with saddlebags and a sidecar parked outside a room door. Mark opens the door and exits, leaves the door open behind. He hops into the sidecar.

[alex whitmer]

Page 3

April blows him a kiss and waves. The two pull out of the
parking lot and speed away.

*This can be read as April and Mark pull away, but I know you mean Mel. Mark last addressed April, so to keep it clear, say Mel and Mark pull out ...

This ...

EXT. DOWNTOWN - SOUP KITCHEN -- LATER

A small brick building. a line of people stand at the door.
The poor and the homeless.

*Does brick really matter? I think the condition is more important.

*Poor and homeless? Kind of a given.

*Typo on 'a'. Should be uppercase.

Try ...

EXT. DOWNTOWN - SOUP KITCHEN -- LATER

A small, ramshackle building. A number of shabby people line up outside the door.

[conlanforever]

I feel like I'm looking at my first script again. My second was so much tighter. Seems like I took one step foward and now two steps back.

Its all good though, I want to learn as much as I can and really know it so I can improve my scripts. Really helpful Alex and thanks for taking the time.