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Nektonic
12-11-2008, 03:53 AM
http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/7766/1229001892.jpg

THE MAN FROM TOMORROW

A time traveler from a heavily controlled future must choose between what his mind tells him is logical and what the abstract notion of love means.

Not sure about the logline. I really haven't had much time to craft a killer one yet.

My original entry was going to be a sci-fi / detective noir called "The Two-Headed Detective", but that didn't work out due to it being nearly double the maximum required length of pulpfest. After much hair-pulling trying to trim that sucker down to 10 pages, I realized that I would probably go bald before I finished reducing the page count, so I had no choice but to start from scratch on the last day and bang out this one. I'm sure you will all have some great insights for me. Looking forward to it.

Also: when I was writing this I pictured the whole thing as being shot in black and white. You can read it as if it were color as well.

DarkElastic
12-11-2008, 05:13 AM
Glad you managed to get something in, shame about The Two-Headed Detective. I look forward to reading The Man from Tomorrow though.

Nektonic
12-11-2008, 05:30 AM
Thanks DarkElastic. I hope you will like it. It was written in a state of fever-dream.

preston
12-11-2008, 07:14 AM
...when I was writing this I pictured the whole thing as being shot in black and white. You can read it as if it were color as well.haha nice. cool poster too... good luck! :thumbsup:

MiataFilmSomething
12-11-2008, 01:41 PM
The poster is almost exactly like the mood for what I want my script to look like. Well done!

Nektonic
12-11-2008, 01:50 PM
The poster is almost exactly like the mood for what I want my script to look like. Well done!

Thanks. I'm looking forward to yours too, and I'll keep the mood in mind when I read it.

jasonthewho
12-12-2008, 06:02 AM
Read this first, since it was last on the list, just for fun, and I was glad I did. Really nice work. I enjoyed it a lot.

There are some typos, but I'm sure you can find those in revisions.

I really liked the consistent tone throughout. The description of the coffee being poured was cool.

The end didn't quite work for me. It was surprising, but I couldn't work out the logic behind it.

SPOILERS:
Why would he have killed her? When did he kill her, timeline wise?
I felt perhaps his friend from earlier could have been the killer. Maybe that would make more sense.
Why does the briefcase appear in his hand? Has time ellapses, or is something else going on?
Is the overseer at the end the same one from earlier?

I really liked the dialogue in this. Seemed both old fashioned and futuristic at the same time. And never too on the nose.

Good job!

krestofre
12-12-2008, 01:01 PM
This script is well crafted. The characters really make it work for me. They feel real, which is great.

***Spoilers***

I agree with Jason. The ending didn't quite work for me either. I saw it coming about half way though the script. For it to really work I'd need to know why the future self of the main character was willing to be sent back and kill the woman he loved (or however that ended up working).

Also, I wasn't crystal clear on why the overseers wanted the murders recorded. This wasn't a huge point, because not knowing didn't really impact the narrative for me, but it did stick in my mind as a curiosity.

Redcloak
12-12-2008, 01:13 PM
I liked this one too, although logically speaking it was off to the races. That's maybe what you get for time-travel things, so I was prepared to go with it. The reveal at the end was just a 'huh?' moment though, despite the fact you could almost see it coming.

I just wanted to know a bit more as to why they were there in the first place. Seemed like you had a really nice idea and I couldn't quite get hold of it. But really smartly written and stayed with me.

DarkElastic
12-12-2008, 01:44 PM
Your script was a good read, with a really nice sci-fi backing, set in a pulp atmosphere. Loved all the time and overseer stuff, but found myself wanting to know more about the future and human's in it, so this feeling made the ending quite anti-climatic for myself. It is still well written though.

lawriejaffa
12-13-2008, 12:37 PM
Yah I got a little confused with this one - i mean it added some great mood and i did find the characters fascinating even if their philosophical musings seemed a little off at times?

I'm not sure if the ending totally worked for me - in this kind of script we expect the girl to buy it and perhaps that predictability (given the unusual setting) is a little dissapointing.

I think this could do a little bit more work (yeah right like who the hell am i to say that lol) ok so scratch that - so i do overall like this, but just feel it could do with a more satisfying ending and more sucinct dialogue :)

GrizzlyGuy
12-14-2008, 10:44 AM
I loved it!

I didn't see the ending coming at all, as I was sure the murderer was Leo Darren until the reveal at the end. It was a pleasant shocker for me when he pulled the mask off. Also, nice pulpy move with Barlowe's name and appearance being similar to the famous Phillip Marlowe.

Too bad the four-armed sabercat concept didn't work out. Maybe they'll have a feature-length fest in the future, and we can finally see the epic battle between the cat and the two-headed detective. :Drogar-Shock(DBG):

CallaghanFilms
12-14-2008, 11:14 AM
Congrats on telling a solid short story that is complete and stands on its own two feet.

It is your attention to detail that makes this world believable. I especially liked the bit with him smoking a cigarette to "get in the nostalgic mood".

I loved the "draw-you-own-conclusion" aspect of the finale. Nicely played:beer:

The dialogue was there, but was choppy in a few spots.

All the same, this one really works for me.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Favorite Line:
"To you time travel is some magic fairy dust crap. But to someone like myself, it's just like taking a shi*. Once you do it enough, it becomes routine."

seansshack
12-15-2008, 05:26 AM
Would tighten the voice over and dialog in a couple of places - bit wordy. Especially the voice over - page 4 is good example. It's a great tool for story telling, but if over used it can hurt more than help.

At first I wasn't sure about your ending. But on a second read and think about it. It's cool. Like the genre/theme mixture overall. This could make a good short film. I'm a fan of time travel in stories, as it lets your imagination loose (writer and reader) and allows the story to go in different directions (if needed) - because you can make up your own rules.

Solid script. Enjoyed it. I would consider another title (maybe) as thus gives away a bit too much (for me).

MiataFilmSomething
12-18-2008, 08:22 PM
I really liked this story. I too thought that his other partner guy was going to be the killer. A very solid story.

The descriptions were awesome, and it seemed like in some places too awesome. Writing really fancy words during descriptions and actions may possibly take away from the natural flow of the story and might make people not get sucked into it as much.

But overall, a great idea. There's potential for more adventures with this concept. Good job!

Russell Moore
12-19-2008, 07:26 AM
Good work. I really enjoyed this script. You did a good job of creating an original world.
The dialogue sounded authentic. A good mix of the past and the future.

I didn't see the ending coming myself. Nice twist. The end really works for me.
Overall good writing.

Horncastle
12-20-2008, 05:30 PM
Well written and with a great twist at the end. I really did not see that coming. The points raised by others about the logic of the piece are valid, although that didn't really bother me while reading. Thanks for a good read.
Jason

jamiejay
12-21-2008, 12:25 AM
i agree that there is so much you can do with this concept. i love the whole 12 monkeys, time travel aspect with a noir feel. i did see it coming, but not until he began chasing the killer, so it wasn't too obvious ahead of time and it still had the right effect. i was confused as to why he would need to murder her, but i like the story a lot. very enjoyable read. good job! :)

Nektonic
12-21-2008, 03:25 AM
SPOILERS BELOW

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I am pleasantly surprised that this worked as well as it did what with the twist and time travel. Maybe not the wisest combination for a writer to tackle, but what the hell.

THE WORLD
As for most people's concerns and what didn't work for them, I agree with a lot of it. I really wanted to flesh this world out some more, but I'm glad that so far I've got a good basis to build off of. I have more story beats and ideas to add to fill out the story and the world. I want to flesh out the future world a little bit more, although not too much because it might ruin the mystique of it.

THE OVERSEER'S MOTIVATIONS
The reason that the Overseer wanted to kill Alice should've been explained. It is because of what she has done to one of his agents. The idea was that he was afraid that if other temporal agents wanted to save someone that by allowing Barlowe to do so would set a bad example. The future world that they live in is very rigid, so any hint of upsetting things is nipped in the bud so to speak. A few days ago I got the revelation that maybe the Overseer is using this as an experiment as well. He might want to study Barlowe's reaction to losing someone he loves. That Overseer is one sick individual.

THE ENDING
As for the twist ending dealing with Barlowe killing himself, it was worked out and does actually work logically. The problem is that I don't think I did a good enough job explaining it partly due to not enough pages. The way it works for those of you that didn't get it (not trying to insult anyone, I can totally understand your position), here is how it works:

1. Barlowe goes back in time, falls in love with Alice.
2. He goes to save her, chases her killer.
3. On the bridge the Overseer orders the goons to scan Barlowe's mind then give him a mindwash. This is meant to imply that he will be re-cogged (reprogrammed) in the future.
4. This re-cogged Barlowe is then sent back in time to kill Alice, and then is killed by the emotional Barlowe that he was before the re-cogging. Again that sick fu** Overseer probably planned all this didn't he?
5. This works because the emotional Barlowe was stunned by the tranquilizer dart that struck him in the back after he shot his re-cogged future self. He was never killed.

THE NARRATION
The voice over got a little chunky in spots. Originally I had planned on doing this as a 20 - 25 page piece, in honor of the Twilight Zone, most of which were about that length without commercials. Doing that will give me some room to let the script breath and not be weighed down by narration in any one spot.

As for the various things that influenced this story:

-- Twelve Monkeys (and the basis for that film La Jetee)
-- Old film noirs (duh)
-- Alphaville (combination of film noir and sci-fi)
-- The Twilight Zone (twist ending and dark sci-fi feel)

I'm glad you all enjoyed it though, and even with the problems some had, it seems that the world and characters and basic plot hooked you guys in enough to read it. I'll use all the feedback the best I can. My ultimate goal is to make this like an original Twilight Zone episode, albeit with a little more byte due to the profanity.

Look out for THE MAN FROM TOMORROW in the near future. Thanks again guys and have a Happy Holiday.

-- Nektonic

Chris_Keaton
12-21-2008, 02:45 PM
This is one of my favorites. Maybe, because you want to mix your pulp story, like I did. You do a great job of mixing the sci-fi and detective theme. The twist in the end is so fitting.

Best and grossest line, "...itís just like takiní a sh*t. Once you do it enough it
becomes routine."

Do get rid of the continued at the bottom and top of the pages. They're just annoying and no longer needed now that readers have figured out how to turn a page.

Great Job!

Nektonic
12-22-2008, 02:04 AM
This is one of my favorites. Maybe, because you want to mix your pulp story, like I did. You do a great job of mixing the sci-fi and detective theme. The twist in the end is so fitting.

Best and grossest line, "...itís just like takiní a sh*t. Once you do it enough it
becomes routine."

Do get rid of the continued at the bottom and top of the pages. They're just annoying and no longer needed now that readers have figured out how to turn a page.

Great Job!

Thanks Chris. I too love films that are a mix of genres. Expect to see more of that kind of thing from me in future script fests.

As for the continued at the bottom of each page, I don't like' em either. Celtx does it automatically and I just forgot to turn them off in the options menu.

preston
12-22-2008, 09:45 AM
hey good concept... when the script said he had the same/similar case as Balrowe, i said "oh no... that's evil to send him back to kill his own girl."... a good twist- and i should've seen it coming; i first thought it was his buddy DARREN that was sent back to take her out.

you packed a lot of story into 10 pages, so it did seem a bit rushed. but that's no biggie.

it felt like a sci-fi story in a noir -type setting.. good read, and entertaining!

Nektonic
12-22-2008, 10:13 AM
Thanks preston.

I agree, it is a bit rushed at the end. I took a bit too long and luxuriated in the imagery and details of the setup. This works for me in the end though, because I am planning to expand this into the longer Twilight Zone episode length that it was originally intended to be. So my main concerns will be expanding the 2nd and 3rd Acts.

I am a bit surprised that the character of Darren helps to hide the twist. I really never intended that to be the case when writing this, but when you think of it, doesn't it just make sense. One of those happy accidents that I can now hone for my own uses.

Another new idea is that instead of having two generic goons standing with the Overseer at the end of the bridge, it should be Darren. The script never implies it, but it is assumed that one of the goons shoots the good Barlowe with the tranquilizer dart. I think it would be even more powerful to have it be Darren. It would also save time and energy with casting as well because I will end up reusing the same actor instead of having to cast two more people.

preston
12-22-2008, 11:16 AM
yeah i agree, good call - have DARREN shoot that tranq-dart! :Drogar-Thinking(DBG

themightyshrub
12-22-2008, 05:05 PM
Wow I really loved this! I didn't see the ending coming at all, but once it happened, it was very clear to me how the logic of it all works out. Maybe I just watch too much sci-fi.

You write really well, and I love your style.

Nektonic
12-23-2008, 12:57 AM
Wow I really loved this! I didn't see the ending coming at all, but once it happened, it was very clear to me how the logic of it all works out. Maybe I just watch too much sci-fi.

You write really well, and I love your style.

Thanks mightyshurb. Glad you liked it and that the end worked for you.

I watch too much sci-fi too. But it's great.

preston
12-23-2008, 09:47 PM
http://img3.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/characters/character0065.gif
congrats!

Nektonic
12-25-2008, 06:09 AM
Thanks preston.

ChrisHurn
01-28-2009, 02:36 AM
Pretty late here, I know...but I only read the script today, just wanted to say good job! Entertaining script, I could see visually all the scenes in my head and shots were coming to me the whole time, which was great, nice writing and good idea. Cool!

Nektonic
01-28-2009, 10:55 AM
Thanks Chris. I was kinda surprised to see my script's thread reopened, but it was a nice surprise. Not to worry about a late read and review. Reminds me that there I need to leave some feedback on one that I didn't get to do so during the script fest due to the craziness of the holidays.

Glad you liked the script. I'm currently working on expanding the story and concept beyond 10 pages, but it will still have the same basic plot.