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View Full Version : "Oh, To Be Old Again": From the Files Of Cooper Nash



MiataFilmSomething
12-11-2008, 12:45 AM
When you're all out of options, he's your number one choice...

DarkElastic
12-11-2008, 01:17 AM
I look forward to your script, sounds bloody!

preston
12-11-2008, 07:20 AM
good luck! :thumbsup:

krestofre
12-12-2008, 11:33 AM
Interesting plot.

***Spoilers***

I missed the significance of the kid. I get the feeling that there is some, so if you want that to come out in the story then that might need to be beefed up a bit.

Also, it felt like the futuristic setting didn't really add much to the story. You had some flying cars at the beginning, but beyond that everything could have pretty much occured at any time. I mention that only to suggest either making the setting more central to the story, or reconsidering if the script really needs to take place in the future. After all, that formula could have been discovered in 1930 just as easily. Just something to consider.

To nit-pick some of your formatting wasn't quite solid. The margins were not correct.

Good job.

DarkElastic
12-12-2008, 11:49 AM
good script, well done. I liked the characters you created and the twist. As said above, if you had a slight bit more info. about the kid would give more punch to his appearance and grin at the end - I get he has taken it to an extent that he has become young again, but a better clue to who he is would be good.

ghalied
12-12-2008, 10:25 PM
Well done. I love this sort of twist at the end where it puts the entire story in a different light.

CallaghanFilms
12-13-2008, 12:02 AM
Cheers:beer:on a solid premise. A futuristic Maltese Falcon-esque ditty...I get it.

The principle characters? Definitely beguiling. And the opening scene(s)? Very strong.

I must say that the heart of the story all the way through to the climax did feel rushed (damn you, 10 page rule!)

I really dug the twist, even if it were somewhat predictable. Then again, as seansshack said in another thread...when your have an audience of writers, it's hard to pull the wool over their eyes (I'm paraphrasing).

All in all, well done, sir.

***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line(s):
The "Life Lesson..." bits.

lawriejaffa
12-13-2008, 12:27 PM
Yes I think the monologue lines were maybe a bit too long on parts of our heroes dialogue, and like another reviewer said, im not sure whether the future setting really added as much as it could (albeit the future aging formula is one element it brings!)

I think if the dialogue was a little tighter, and if it didnt wander as much (for example the line where our hero just adds a bit about evacuating people from cities!)

Otherwise nice little angles and twists and an enjoyable romp, that could do with a good dose of tightening and shortening in dialogue imo.

seansshack
12-15-2008, 03:26 AM
Did you write this in word? If so I would look for a different template as it hinders the read - as the formatting is off (margins are well off, especially for dialog).

Watch the amount of Voice over (have made the same mistake myself) - read it out aloud to yourself and work out the amount of screen time it would actually take (especially on last page/scene). Would also look at polishing the dialog overall - bit long winded in places and characters "sounded" similar.

The story/setting worked for me. If you looked at improving the items listed here, it would make for a better script (IMO)

GrizzlyGuy
12-16-2008, 05:15 PM
That was a fun story!

I got confused for a moment here: "The man sees Cooper in the window and they lock eyes." Other than the title, that was the first mention of "Cooper". You might want to refer to him consistently as Nash, or tell us his name is Cooper Nash somewhere up in the body of the script.

My interpretation of the ending is that the boy is Dr. Tazen. He's had the formula for at least 50 years, per Lizzy, plenty of time to use it to go back to childhood. Since the coffin is apparently closed at the funeral (probably containing the man from the building explosion), Tazen makes a clean getaway. Is that right?

MiataFilmSomething
12-16-2008, 06:52 PM
That was a fun story!


My interpretation of the ending is that the boy is Dr. Tazen. He's had the formula for at least 50 years, per Lizzy, plenty of time to use it to go back to childhood. Since the coffin is apparently closed at the funeral (probably containing the man from the building explosion), Tazen makes a clean getaway. Is that right?


Excellent work, detective:) I knew you'd crack the case!

First of all, super thanks to everyone who responded and gave me an opinion or critique. After all, that's what these fests are for, right? To enjoy the scripts and give out comments and advice. The scripts in this fest were all very well done, it's actually impossible for me to choose a favorite.

I must admit that I wasn't 100% satisfied with this script when I submitted it, but I had run out of time. Working all day and helping to take care of a 10 month old at night doesn't give you a lot of artistic free time;) But I am glad that we have these fests because it gives me a solid deadline and I get something done, even if I'm not 100% happy.

I am impressed, though, that the things people pointed out that were the "cons" were the same things I thought when I submitted it. So I agree with you all completely. The formatting is off, and the dialog needs some tweaking. And i need to put in more gadgets and devices and descriptions that make this feel like the year 2315.

I actually have had this Bladerunner homage idea for years now and have been dying to get more of it down on paper. I even have the costume for the main character in my closet. This is actually loosely based on an old video game series called "Tex Murphy" If you have an old DOS machine or can still run DOS, find an old game called "Under A Killing Moon" It's well worth the purchase and play time; even better than many of the more advanced games out there today.
I'd like to make this a series, and have a new case each short or episode, all the while exploring the past of why the character is the way he is.

Since I already had this idea, I had some of a script already written and had to cut it down greatly. The opening scene itself was about 12 pages. I also had to cut out 2 characters: Cooper's secretary and a bartender at the local pub.

It frustrated me so much to submit this script knowing that it wasn't what I totally wanted, because I had been developing this character and story for so long. You grow to love the characters and the environment you create.

Anyway, thanks again for all the comments. I am not done reading all the scripts yet, but I will be soon.

jasonthewho
12-17-2008, 06:14 AM
Fun entertaining read. Great characters, and some great funny dialogue.

I had a few issues with the way some actions were described.

For example:

Nash, still out of breath, takes out his cell phone, and throws it down in frustration at the fact that it’s waterlogged.


How do we know it's waterlogged? Maybe, something like "he presses a button, and water squirts out of the phone. He throws it down in frustration." Or "Water drips off the phone. He pushes some buttons, but nothing comes up on the screen. He throws it to the ground."

Also, why was the woman arrested? As far as we know, she just lied, and had nothing to do with the kidnapping/death of her husband. Unless I misunderstood the plot.

Love the fact that the kid is really the husband.

Great work!

alex whitmer
12-17-2008, 11:27 AM
This …

A few slow moving
flying cars can be seen grazing along the skyline

*Can’t say I have ever seen cars grazing. You’re waxing a little poetic in this opening action.

Camera angles! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This …

A POV camera view shows a person racing up some stairs …

*Is this a flashback?

*You have a ‘person’ racing up some stairs, ‘the Shadowed Man’, and VOICE. Then there is ‘standing over ‘him’. Who is him, the ‘person’?

This …

Instead of three loud gun shots, three loud knocks at a door are heard instead.

*Using ‘instead’ twice.

This …

A man is sitting at his desk

*Is this Nash? If so, introduce him as NASH. Too many un-named characters here. I assume ‘person’ and ‘man’ are Nash.

Page 3

Very funny this …

Life Lesson Number 2 – If you’re going to take pictures of a man sleeping with his mistress, make sure the flash is off…

This …

WOMAN
Mr. Nash?


*Introducer her by name, and this should also be Lizzy.

*Up to page 5 the dialogue is somewhat dry and OTN. You’re characters feel like they are telling a story, not conversing.

This …

Cooper continues to walk away.


*Only by the title do I know Cooper is also Nash.


This …

As for me, I’ll no longer have to go through life wondering what it would be like to make out with a 90 year old…

*Love the line, but wouldn’t she be older?

I like this story. Once the boy was introduced, however, I kinda had an inkling he was older and would play out in the end somehow. Not sure what his motivation would have been giving the serum back to Nash, unless he also set up a sting. Little confusing there.

The dialogue really telegraphs away too much of the story. You could lose maybe half, and the visuals would fill in the rest. Keep it natural.

Some action lines are a little clumsy.

In all it’s a good story. Needs a little tightening up and some clarity on details, such as FLASHBACK to make that clear.

Enjoyed it!


a

Horncastle
12-18-2008, 06:57 PM
A pretty good story with some good underlying ideas, although a little confusing at times. I too felt that much of the dialog was too on the nose and was there to explain the steps in the story which avoided it sounding natural. I was also confused by the Cooper/Nash names - at first I thought you had changed your mind about the name at some point and used an automatic name changer which had skipped some of the Coopers. Thanks for an enjoyable read.
Jason

Russell Moore
12-19-2008, 06:42 AM
You've got a good enjoyable story here. The dialogue has some really good moments, just needs to be tightened up in spots, but you recognize that yourself. That said, I think there is a lot of good material in the dialogue and humorous moments.
Liked this...

This was the kind of girl your
mother warned you about, and your father told you to
go after when your mother left the room.

I liked the twist at the end, I suspected what it was, but wasn't sure til I read this thread. I didn't see that coming. Good job.
I would be interested in reading it after you get it just the way you wanted it.

Pave the way grandma.

jamiejay
12-21-2008, 12:08 AM
i like the story and you have some funny lines. i thought the boy must have been important, but i didn't quite figure it out completely until the very end, so it wasn't too obvious. other than the fact that some character names/descriptions needed to be more consistent, i have little to add. thanks for a good read! :)

Nektonic
12-21-2008, 11:25 AM
Since I already had this idea, I had some of a script already written and had to cut it down greatly. The opening scene itself was about 12 pages. I also had to cut out 2 characters: Cooper's secretary and a bartender at the local pub.

It frustrated me so much to submit this script knowing that it wasn't what I totally wanted, because I had been developing this character and story for so long. You grow to love the characters and the environment you create.

While I agree with some of the criticisms others had, I have to say that you have the start of something cool. I like your detective character. The premise of a fountain of youth drug has lots of potential.

I would love to see this again when you get things polished up and you're happy with things. Feel free to PM if you want any feedback on a later draft. This kind of story (sci-fi + noir) is something I really enjoy.

I can totally relate to having a heck of a time cramming things into 10 pages or less and still coming out with a compelling story in the end. In the end though it is a good learning experience.

A noble effort and the start of something. Though you weren't totally satisfied with this script, you could've easily chickened out and not submitted, but you didn't. So I say congrats for finishing things and seeing them through.

I look forward to seeing more of Cooper Nash and his case files.

Chris_Keaton
12-21-2008, 03:00 PM
Let me be the first to point out the obvious flaws. As written this is in no way a 10 minute screenplay. The formatting is way off. Action blocks are too dense. Each action block should represent what the camera is focusing in that shot. Your action blocks should be split more than they are. The dialog shouldn't run to the end of the page. Without actually reformatting I would guess you are looking at a 15-20 pages.

Now for the stuff that actually matters.

The camera direction is distracting, but I'm assuming you've written this for yourself, so I won't harp on that. Nash's VO is entertaining, but it sometimes goes on a longtime without any queues on what he's doing visually. Heck there is a lot of talking going on. There is an awful lot explained in the dialog. I would suggest fleshing it out visually. Overall it's and interesting story that you could work into more.

themightyshrub
12-22-2008, 04:49 PM
There's not much i can say that hasn't already been mentioned, so I wont go over old ground.

Overall, I loved the premise and the story, I just think it needs a little more polishing to turn it into something really great!

MiataFilmSomething
12-22-2008, 08:56 PM
Thanks for all the constructive comments. In the next few weeks I hope to put the original material back in and clean this script up. As long as you all like the concept and the characters, I'm happy.

It may even lead me to write the next installment. It's going to involve an awesome dark and seedy nightclub with a singer who's the gal of a syndicate boss.

Write on, everyone!

Nektonic
12-22-2008, 11:58 PM
It may even lead me to write the next installment. It's going to involve an awesome dark and seedy nightclub with a singer who's the gal of a syndicate boss.

Sounds interesting. An old-time serial maybe? That would be pretty cool. I was thinking of eventually doing something like that with my original non-entry, The Two-Headed Detective, but the story ideas I have would work much better as longer pieces.

I'd love to see some episodic content featuring Cooper Nash though. If you film it you could post the episodes online as a web-series.