Ten Tumbles and a Boom

[david jerome]

Sometimes you should just go and get a beer.
http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/11343/1229980620.jpg
poster by: Preston

[jamiejay]

glad you made it :)

[DarkElastic]

Sounds like my kind of script!

[preston]

:beer::beer:

[Nektonic]

I like the title, very original. Has a poetic sound to it, or sort of a musical feel. I can picture this being a song title to an old song from the 30's or 40's.

I look forward to Ten Tumbles and a Boom.

[MiataFilmSomething]

Nice kinetic title. Should be a neat read!

[krestofre]

***Spoilers***

I like the setup and I like the characters. I do wish the ending had a bit more of a payoff. These characters seem very larger than life but they're both killed in an instant and it seems a little disappointing that there wasn't more conflict between them.

[jamiejay]

*SPOILER ALERT*

slacks man and boots man... gotta love it! great character description. the little things they said and did were perfect... the action and the dialogue were dead on. loved the little rhyme the driver said. almost had a "no country for old men" or "fargo" feel... maybe you should send it to the coen brothers to direct. ;) good job!

[DarkElastic]

Really enjoyed it mate - great names, good dialogue, good battle of wits, just a shame there wasn't more of a fight at the end. They both just seem to go up in flames. I am also the only person who doesn't get whats in his case?

[lawriejaffa]

This is quite an entertaining script, but the first scene is utterly ridiculous lol. Honestly, tell me just honestly, how the heck is a director supposed to find a - oh wait...

//spoilers//

How the heck is a director to find a beautiful indian girl (unshaven of course...) to bend over at the start of the film?! I mean thats ridiculous lol at least put down something that a director can shoot. That put me off right away!

That said its a great and fun little grindhouse style script, what with fiery spectactular deaths and lizard peeing! Please consider still having the raunchy fantasy at the start but with les explicitness as it comes off as a little juvenile at the start - and i know its not the intention as its actually a clever and brilliant action/black comedy script.

[david jerome]

Thanks for the comments Preston, Nektonic, Miata, krestofre, jamiejay.


Really enjoyed it mate - great names, good dialogue, good battle of wits, just a shame there wasn't more of a fight at the end. They both just seem to go up in flames. I am also the only person who doesn't get whats in his case?

The case is a customized flamethrower. Slacks Man likes to burn things, people. Thanks for the comments.



This is quite an entertaining script, but the first scene is utterly ridiculous lol. Honestly, tell me just honestly, how the heck is a director supposed to find a - oh wait...

//spoilers//

How the heck is a director to find a beautiful indian girl (unshaven of course...) to bend over at the start of the film?! I mean thats ridiculous lol at least put down something that a director can shoot. That put me off right away!


Thanks for the comments. I actually wrote the script without the beginning part. I then realized that I had forgotten the dream sequence. So I wrote that in. I might take it out if I didn't need the dream. I kind of like it though. A little corny but it is a daydream. That's what Boots Man likes.

[lawriejaffa]

Yah lol but best to write something a producer/director would actually shoot - you want to show that you appreciate the boundaries that they have to work within! (Unless you seriously intend for a producer/director to actually film an explicit scene for the start of that short film?! Thats the difference between scripts and novels/short stories, is that your writing for a supposed production and in situations like that we can't necessarily be as self indulgent with our scenes just because our characters might 'think' that way if you get my point! I won't belabour the point.

I really liked your script but not after the first scene, my director spider senses were going 'is this a joke? i couldnt film that?!' then only as i read on did i think - crackin' little script! The character could see the girl flirtily bend over - but WHY oh WHY would the audience need to see an indian girls unshaven vagina? Hmm?

[david jerome]

Yah lol but best to write something a producer/director would actually shoot - you want to show that you appreciate the boundaries that they have to work within! (Unless you seriously intend for a producer/director to actually film an explicit scene for the start of that short film?! Thats the difference between scripts and novels/short stories, is that your writing for a supposed production and in situations like that we can't necessarily be as self indulgent with our scenes just because our characters might 'think' that way if you get my point! I won't belabour the point.

I really liked your script but not after the first scene, my director spider senses were going 'is this a joke? i couldnt film that?!' then only as i read on did i think - crackin' little script! The character could see the girl flirtily bend over - but WHY oh WHY would the audience need to see an indian girls unshaven vagina? Hmm?

I would have no problem re-writing the scene or cutting it out if needed to be. But I still don't understand why it would be a big deal to shoot it. If it's about boundaries I don't get it. If it's about what's best for the story I'm all for that.

[Chris_Keaton]

I think their issue is finding an Indian girl who shaves. :huh: Oh, man that was just creepy.

[CallaghanFilms]

I got a mini-Stephen King short story vibe from Ten Tumbles and a Boom (which is high praise coming from me):beer:

Honestly, it is a captivating story & would make a great short...
but goddamn would the budget have to be high to do it justice!
Maybe someone could animate it...it would be off the chart as a graphic animated short.


***SPOILER ALERT***
I really dig the "purgatory" feel of the payoff.
It works well as icing for this sick twisted cake you baked up for us.

Favorite Line:
"I guess that depends on how much they like killing, and how much they like beer."
poo pooing classic.

[david jerome]

I got a mini-Stephen King short story vibe from Ten Tumbles and a Boom (which is high praise coming from me):beer:

Honestly, it is a captivating story & would make a great short...
but goddamn would the budget have to be high to do it justice!
Maybe someone could animate it...it would be off the chart as a graphic animated short.


***SPOILER ALERT***
I really dig the "purgatory" feel of the payoff.
It works well as icing for this sick twisted cake you baked up for us.

Favorite Line:
"I guess that depends on how much they like killing, and how much they like beer."
poo pooing classic.


Thanks for reading Callaghan. You know, I never thought of it being an animated short. But now that you've mentioned it, I can totally see it that way. I think it's almost begging for it.

[MiataFilmSomething]

I liked the dialog with the people in the car. Had a cool tension and a Tarantino vibe to it.

The dream sequence felt a little out of place for me. I don't know what it really had to do with the story. I'd also like to see some motivation as to why the killers want to kill each other, unless the point is that just some people like to kill, and two happen to meet up with each other. Which is fine, but even then, you want some sort of motivation for the kill.

Neat read, though!

[david jerome]

I liked the dialog with the people in the car. Had a cool tension and a Tarantino vibe to it.

The dream sequence felt a little out of place for me. I don't know what it really had to do with the story. I'd also like to see some motivation as to why the killers want to kill each other, unless the point is that just some people like to kill, and two happen to meet up with each other. Which is fine, but even then, you want some sort of motivation for the kill.

Neat read, though!

Thanks for the comments Miata. The dream sequence was just what Boots Man was daydreaming about as he was driving. He bought some boots from the Indian girl earlier that day and the daydream was a wishful exaggeration of that. The motivation for the killers is below.

Slacks Man
"The problem is, killing is an addiction. The high is so great that it can't be ignored. And I imagne for one killer to kill another in a sort of old west duel, well, I don't think it would matter if you liked beer more than your favorite pussy."

[preston]

hey David... great way to start a short script! that daydream scene had me hooked right off the bat, so it worked. your concept is so simple, it's perfectly suited for a short....

[SPOILERS]

....two killers, after spending a lifetime of killing, happen to end up riding in the same car down the same dusty road at the same time... while i didn't really see it coming, i wouldn't have expected anything less than a high-speed western-style shootout.
it was like Anton Chigurh (no country for old men) picked up his hitchhiking clone. beer or shootout, flip a coin...

great dialog from some interesting characters, brother.

p.s.- i answered your question in my thread; post #24.

[seansshack]

Would intro the characters differently with caps and descriptions. I would also avoid the use of bold for scene slugs.

The opening dream sequence threw me for six with that line... and the fact it read like it was tagged on and didn't add anything to the story. (even though the boots where in the scene) + the subject matter although a dream didn't fit with the rest of the story.

But overall. Entertaining and fun story. Liked the ending a lot. Formatting and structure were good. Dialog was also well suited to the genre.

Overall good story. Just lose the "am I watching a porno" opening scene...

[david jerome]

hey David... great way to start a short script! that daydream scene had me hooked right off the bat, so it worked. your concept is so simple, it's perfectly suited for a short....

[SPOILERS]

....two killers, after spending a lifetime of killing, happen to end up riding in the same car down the same dusty road at the same time... while i didn't really see it coming, i wouldn't have expected anything less than a high-speed western-style shootout.
it was like Anton Chigurh (no country for old men) picked up his hitchhiking clone. beer or shootout, flip a coin...

great dialog from some interesting characters, brother.

p.s.- i answered your question in my thread; post #24.


I'm glad you liked it Preston. The first scene doesn't seem to be very popular but it is getting some attention. Anton Chigurh may have had some infuence on me. I love that character. The absence of fear.



Would intro the characters differently with caps and descriptions. I would also avoid the use of bold for scene slugs.

The opening dream sequence threw me for six with that line... and the fact it read like it was tagged on and didn't add anything to the story. (even though the boots where in the scene) + the subject matter although a dream didn't fit with the rest of the story.

But overall. Entertaining and fun story. Liked the ending a lot. Formatting and structure were good. Dialog was also well suited to the genre.

Overall good story. Just lose the "am I watching a porno" opening scene...

Thanks for the comments seanshack. I appreciate the input.

[preston]

that's what she said.

[GrizzlyGuy]

Cool concept, cool story. A battle of evil titans in an El Camino, with one equipped with a flame thrower. Oh, and a soggy lizard. It just doesn't get much better than that. :beer:

[nitramlehcar]

Ok, so pussies are your signature now, are they not? ;P

Personally, I don't think boundaries should be an issue. They don't seem to be on my Netflix account anyway. If it's being written for the sole purpose of being shot, it can always be edited, but this is a writing contest, so I'd rather see others taking some risks too. It makes the reading a bit more interesting for those of us too lazy to write.

Your entries are always one of my first reads/views, because I know I'm going to be in for something different.

[david jerome]

that's what she said.

And here we ... go.



Cool concept, cool story. A battle of evil titans in an El Camino, with one equipped with a flame thrower. Oh, and a soggy lizard. It just doesn't get much better than that. :beer:

Thanks for the comments GrizzlyGuy. I'm glad you enjoyed it.



Ok, so pussies are your signature now, are they not? ;P

Personally, I don't think boundaries should be an issue. They don't seem to be on my Netflix account anyway. If it's being written for the sole purpose of being shot, it can always be edited, but this is a writing contest, so I'd rather see others taking some risks too. It makes the reading a bit more interesting for those of us too lazy to write.

Your entries are always one of my first reads/views, because I know I'm going to be in for something different.

Not.
Thanks for reading nitra. I hope you write something next fest.

[Horncastle]

I thought this was very good indeed. The characters, dialogue and tension were all developed perfectly and there was a wonderful eye for descriptive detail such as the lizard. I agree that the dream sequence could be cut - it's not a question of crossing boundaries or not, it just didn't need it in my opinion (apart from the fest rules). Your story is just a little sketch, a moment in time, but that's OK. It could be part of something larger, though it's fine on its own too. Thanks for a really great read.
Jason

[conlanforever]

I like the opening scene. It just set the tone for me, though I can see how it might seem a little disconnected. Maybe if there was a hint in it somewhere that he was or wanted to kill her that would connect it.
Anyway...that last line of dialogue that she delivered. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD, maybe because it surprised me.

Great set up. Funny dialogue. The end was a bit abrupt, but I like them all going up in flames, the shoes included.

Very, very entertaining.

[jamiejay]

now that i'm finished reading the scripts, i just wanted to come back by and say that your script stands out to me. i loved it! you are definitely never boring ;)

[Nektonic]

This was a very original story. And how you managed to transpose a noir sensibility to the sun-baked deserts of the American southwest is beyond me, but by golly you did it.

Can't think of anything really wrong with this. Maybe let the tension between the two killers play out a bit longer? They could have some more small talk before they get into the discussion about killing? I don't know, these are some ideas.

Great job though. I would love to see this produced. It has some cool visuals and a fun style.

And I just had to do it in honor of your two killers demise ------- :evil: :violent5:

[david jerome]

I thought this was very good indeed. The characters, dialogue and tension were all developed perfectly and there was a wonderful eye for descriptive detail such as the lizard. I agree that the dream sequence could be cut - it's not a question of crossing boundaries or not, it just didn't need it in my opinion (apart from the fest rules). Your story is just a little sketch, a moment in time, but that's OK. It could be part of something larger, though it's fine on its own too. Thanks for a really great read.
Jason

Thanks for reading Jason.



I like the opening scene. It just set the tone for me, though I can see how it might seem a little disconnected. Maybe if there was a hint in it somewhere that he was or wanted to kill her that would connect it.
Anyway...that last line of dialogue that she delivered. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD, maybe because it surprised me.

Great set up. Funny dialogue. The end was a bit abrupt, but I like them all going up in flames, the shoes included.

Very, very entertaining.

I'm glad the opening made you laugh. I agree that it could use something more.



now that i'm finished reading the scripts, i just wanted to come back by and say that your script stands out to me. i loved it! you are definitely never boring ;)

Thanks so much Jamiejay.



This was a very original story. And how you managed to transpose a noir sensibility to the sun-baked deserts of the American southwest is beyond me, but by golly you did it.

Can't think of anything really wrong with this. Maybe let the tension between the two killers play out a bit longer? They could have some more small talk before they get into the discussion about killing? I don't know, these are some ideas.

Great job though. I would love to see this produced. It has some cool visuals and a fun style.

And I just had to do it in honor of your two killers demise ------- :evil: :violent5:

Thanks for the ideas Nektonic. I love love love the smilys. May they rest in peace. That is so sweet.

[alex whitmer]

Review of Ten Tumbles and a Boom

Great opening scenes.

This

A man is standing on the side of the highway peeing onto the road.

*Intro him as Slacks Man, not just man.

This …

BOOTS MAN
Little piggy dressed in white. Now
I got you in my sight.

*You call him rugged man and boots man. Pick one to avoid confusion.

Great dialogue. This especially ..

SLACKS MAN
There are things that I get excited
about that aren’t considered
normal.

What a fun little piece. Twisted as hell, but great stuff.

Opening scene didn’t feel disconnected as pussy came up in conversation anyways and kinda gave a visual.

Anyways, like your work.

a

[preston]

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/11343/1229980620.jpg

yeah i was bored... :violent5:

[jamiejay]

love the poster, preston... but somehow, you should have changed the license plate to read "pussy"... haha. :)

[david jerome]

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/11343/1229980620.jpg

yeah i was bored... :violent5:

Awesome Preston. I'm going to put that up as my poster if you don't mind.

[david jerome]

love the poster, preston... but somehow, you should have changed the license plate to read "pussy"... haha. :)

You are so naughty.

[jamiejay]

you love it and you know it. ;P

[preston]

Awesome Preston. I'm going to put that up as my poster if you don't mind.

haha, consider it a christmas gift. :beer:


love the poster, preston... but somehow, you should have changed the license plate to read "pussy"... haha. :)

ahhh, yeah i didn't think of that...

[david jerome]

you love it and you know it. ;P

You don't know me.



haha, consider it a christmas gift. :beer:

Cheers.

[jamiejay]

well... i've read both of your scripts and i'm pretty sure you like naughty. so :p

[david jerome]

well... i've read both of your scripts and i'm pretty sure you like naughty. so :p
Where is the damn spanking smiley when you need one?

[jamiejay]

you want to spank me? now that's naughty... :tongue:

[jamiejay]

seriously though... the poster is cool and your script was great and i think you have a good chance of being in the top :)

[david jerome]

you want to spank me? now that's naughty... :tongue:

Your the naughty one.


seriously though... the poster is cool and your script was great and i think you have a good chance of being in the top :)

Your fun. Thanks jaimiejay.

[preston]

good luck!

[themightyshrub]

I really loved this script! I won't comment on the opening scene - it seemed obvious to me that it had been tagged on because of the fest rules, so I kind of discounted it from the story as a whole.

Your dialogue is FAN-TA-STIC!!! I can't pick fault in it at all. You also have some really lovely visuals, especially the lizard being peed on. That made me laugh out loud.

My only criticisms (and they're very small) is that it might be better to give the characters names from the start, or at least keep the same title for them. Like Alex pointed out, you used Boots man and Rugged man for the same person, and it gets confusing. Giving them names would sort this out, although I can understand why you might not want to do that, so you can keep them mysterious. Also, they seemed like such great characters, it seemed like a real waste that they both died so quickly. Maybe have them get into a bit of a punch-up after the car explodes, both of them on fire, then the suitcase can get exploded somehow. It was just a little disappointing to not be able to see these two characters really go for each other.

Definitely one of my favourites of the fest, I think you're going to do really well with this.

[david jerome]

Review of Ten Tumbles and a Boom

Great opening scenes.

This

A man is standing on the side of the highway peeing onto the road.

*Intro him as Slacks Man, not just man.

This …

BOOTS MAN
Little piggy dressed in white. Now
I got you in my sight.

*You call him rugged man and boots man. Pick one to avoid confusion.

Great dialogue. This especially ..

SLACKS MAN
There are things that I get excited
about that aren’t considered
normal.

What a fun little piece. Twisted as hell, but great stuff.

Opening scene didn’t feel disconnected as pussy came up in conversation anyways and kinda gave a visual.

Anyways, like your work.

a
Thanks for reading and for the comments Alex. I will make the fixes.




I really loved this script! I won't comment on the opening scene - it seemed obvious to me that it had been tagged on because of the fest rules, so I kind of discounted it from the story as a whole.

Your dialogue is FAN-TA-STIC!!! I can't pick fault in it at all. You also have some really lovely visuals, especially the lizard being peed on. That made me laugh out loud.

My only criticisms (and they're very small) is that it might be better to give the characters names from the start, or at least keep the same title for them. Like Alex pointed out, you used Boots man and Rugged man for the same person, and it gets confusing. Giving them names would sort this out, although I can understand why you might not want to do that, so you can keep them mysterious. Also, they seemed like such great characters, it seemed like a real waste that they both died so quickly. Maybe have them get into a bit of a punch-up after the car explodes, both of them on fire, then the suitcase can get exploded somehow. It was just a little disappointing to not be able to see these two characters really go for each other.

Definitely one of my favourites of the fest, I think you're going to do really well with this.
Thanks for reading mightyshrub. I plan to make some fixes and a few changes. I'm taking in all the ideas and comments for another draft.

[preston]

http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Respect/number-one-043.gif congrats!

[tmpafilmer25]

The following is a list of everything I didn't like about your script...
























































Thanks for your time...:)