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jamiejay
12-10-2008, 09:40 AM
http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/38528/1228926365.jpg
photo by: David Jerome


"Insanity is contagious."


Looks like I'm in. Time to go upload. :)

alex whitmer
12-10-2008, 10:16 AM
Great! You made it!

Can't wait to read it!

aw

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com (http://www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com)



.

jamiejay
12-10-2008, 10:26 AM
i had difficulty with this genre. which is odd, considering nearly every movie i own is from this genre. :)

preston
12-10-2008, 02:08 PM
cool poster, good luck jamie! :)

Noel Evans
12-10-2008, 04:32 PM
Jamie, all things aside. Glad to see youre back and wish you the best of luck. Im sure its going to be another good read.

Horncastle
12-10-2008, 08:52 PM
Great photo, great tagline - I look forward to it.
Jason

david jerome
12-12-2008, 09:37 AM
I really enjoyed the story Jamie. I love the feel of your writing. I'm going to nickname this in my notes "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride". I kind of feel bad for old Nicky. He seems like an ok guy. I hope he can get out of this mess. He always does right?
I like this line. It made me laugh.

(Man, that dude was crazy, man. He was all "excuse me, fine gentleman" and shi*.)

great job Jaimie

lawriejaffa
12-12-2008, 10:58 AM
Yes I quite I enjoyed this as well. The characters were amusing with some neat little memorable qualities that let them stick in your head. If this were a fruit juice it would be a cool fruit cocktail! Lots of ingredients!

The story was amusing enough, quirky - but it was a bit hard to see it as a pulp genre piece as opposed to something more unusual! Sorry for the somewhat abstract feedback - it still gets a thumbs up from me mate :)

Redcloak
12-12-2008, 01:15 PM
Crazy in a hugely enjoyable way. Felt like he should have walked away scott free somehow through some stroke of luck.

Loved the feel of it, barminess like tabbing a cigarette then not lighting it with the line 'No thanks, I'm trying to quit'. Says a lot that the script pulls stuff like that off.

preston
12-12-2008, 01:53 PM
~SPOILERS BELOW~

one hell of a ride! ...you packed a lot of stuff into 10 pages. i love movies like this where the guy just can't leave well enough alone to keep himself out of trouble. all he wanted was some donuts, and look what happened! haha...

your dialog is great; a lot of character comes through just by what people are saying, and how they're saying it.

fast paced, fun story. never boring or predictable. good job, jamie. :thumbsup:

krestofre
12-12-2008, 02:52 PM
Fun, light-hearted ride. Enjoyed it!

jamiejay
12-13-2008, 10:01 AM
I really enjoyed the story Jamie. I love the feel of your writing. I'm going to nickname this in my notes "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride". I kind of feel bad for old Nicky. He seems like an ok guy. I hope he can get out of this mess. He always does right?
I like this line. It made me laugh.

(Man, that dude was crazy, man. He was all "excuse me, fine gentleman" and shi*.)

great job Jaimie

Crazy in a hugely enjoyable way. Felt like he should have walked away scott free somehow through some stroke of luck.

Loved the feel of it, barminess like tabbing a cigarette then not lighting it with the line 'No thanks, I'm trying to quit'. Says a lot that the script pulls stuff like that off.

Thanks, David and Redcloak. Glad the eccentricity worked for you. I think I would like to do an alternate ending with Valor somehow getting away scott free. That would work with the line you referred to, David, that Valor says to himself in the mirror: "You’ll get out of this, Valor. You always do."



Yes I quite I enjoyed this as well. The characters were amusing with some neat little memorable qualities that let them stick in your head. If this were a fruit juice it would be a cool fruit cocktail! Lots of ingredients!

The story was amusing enough, quirky - but it was a bit hard to see it as a pulp genre piece as opposed to something more unusual! Sorry for the somewhat abstract feedback - it still gets a thumbs up from me mate :)

I hope their is at least a little vodka in the fruit cocktail. http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/images/icons/icon12.gif I was definitely going more towards the Taratino Pulp. Thanks.


~SPOILERS BELOW~

one hell of a ride! ...you packed a lot of stuff into 10 pages. i love movies like this where the guy just can't leave well enough alone to keep himself out of trouble. all he wanted was some donuts, and look what happened! haha...

your dialog is great; a lot of character comes through just by what people are saying, and how they're saying it.

fast paced, fun story. never boring or predictable. good job, jamie. :thumbsup:


Fun, light-hearted ride. Enjoyed it!

Thanks Preston and krestofre. I appreciate it. :beer:

Russell Moore
12-13-2008, 03:08 PM
I enjoyed this script a lot. I like the characters you created, especially the main character. I really liked the dialogue, some genuinely funny moments, which I think is the hardest to write. Good description. I think you're really finding your voice. Good work.

jamiejay
12-13-2008, 03:20 PM
coming form you, conlan, that means a lot. your script last fest was amazing. thank you.

CallaghanFilms
12-14-2008, 01:47 PM
I must say that I dig your eccentric style. You also seem to have a strong grasp on pacing.

This was fun to read and would be equally fun to watch.


***SPOILER ALERT***

Throughout, I got a is-he-crazy-or-does-crazy-shi*-really-happen-to-him vibe which I got caught up in.

Favorite Line:
"Yeah, he very bad man. He evil."

seansshack
12-15-2008, 07:32 AM
This was an enjoyable read. Story was well set-up and kept me interested for duration. Very easy to follow.


Liked your dialog the best. Some great lines and it helped to breath life into the characters (even the ones with limited screen time). Well done. Liked the line "Letís get a drink. Iím starving."

Descriptions are a bit wordy in places but paint the story effectively laughed out loud at "and fists all go flying in one giant cluster fuck"

Liked the ending and really liked the use if news cast and final lines of news. Very effective.

Good job and well done.

DarkElastic
12-15-2008, 07:46 AM
Yes, I agree with the above I thought it was a good story, well paced, funny in places and with some great characters. I also thought he would some how - Pink-Panther wise - get off scot free, with the gangs and the police taking each other out, leaving him in the middle alive. Good work mate.

jamiejay
12-15-2008, 10:53 AM
I must say that I dig your eccentric style. You also seem to have a strong grasp on pacing.

This was fun to read and would be equally fun to watch.


***SPOILER ALERT***

Throughout, I got a is-he-crazy-or-does-crazy-shi*-really-happen-to-him vibe which I got caught up in.

Favorite Line:
"Yeah, he very bad man. He evil."

Thanks for reading, Callaghan. I'm glad you liked it.

I actually came up with a number of scenes that I ended up not including for time and I think it would be fun to go back and make it a much longer script. :)

jamiejay
12-15-2008, 11:03 AM
This was an enjoyable read. Story was well set-up and kept me interested for duration. Very easy to follow.

Liked your dialog the best. Some great lines and it helped to breath life into the characters (even the ones with limited screen time). Well done. Liked the line "Letís get a drink. Iím starving."

Descriptions are a bit wordy in places but paint the story effectively laughed out loud at "and fists all go flying in one giant cluster poo poo"

Liked the ending and really liked the use if news cast and final lines of news. Very effective.

Good job and well done.

Thanks, Sean. I appreciate it. :beer:



Yes, I agree with the above I thought it was a good story, well paced, funny in places and with some great characters. I also thought he would some how - Pink-Panther wise - get off scot free, with the gangs and the police taking each other out, leaving him in the middle alive. Good work mate.

I really am considering making this into a longer script. I have so much I could add to the story. If I do, I think I will try an ending with him getting away.

preston
12-15-2008, 01:19 PM
I really am considering making this into a longer script. I have so much I could add to the story. If I do, I think I will try an ending with him getting away.


like at the end of TRUE ROMANCE where CLARENCE and ALABAMA somehow escape the mad shootout and get away with all the cash... :grin:

jamiejay
12-15-2008, 01:40 PM
like at the end of TRUE ROMANCE where CLARENCE and ALABAMA somehow escape the mad shootout and get away with all the cash... :grin:

That is one of my all-time favorite movies ever. I was inspired by it for this script actually, as well as Pulp Fiction, Falling Down, etc.

Also, many of the crazy situations were based on real life experiences I have had that I thought belong in a movie.

Even though I want him to escape, the current ending was based on the story of how Richard Ramirez, the nightstalker serial killer, was finally captured. People recognized him on the front page of a newspaper, chased him, and beat the crap out of him. I love that.

CallaghanFilms
12-15-2008, 02:50 PM
I must say that I dig your eccentric style. You also seem to have a strong grasp on pacing.

This was fun to read and would be equally fun to watch.


***SPOILER ALERT***

Throughout, I got a is-he-crazy-or-does-crazy-shi*-really-happen-to-him vibe which I got caught up in.

Favorite Line:
"Yeah, he very bad man. He evil."
I forgot to add one thought I had while reading Valor...
LINK (http://www.moviewavs.com/php/sounds/?id=bst&media=WAVS&type=TV_Shows&movie=Simpsons&quote=baddonut.txt&file=baddonut.wav)

jamiejay
12-15-2008, 03:13 PM
hilarious. that's perfect :)

alex whitmer
12-15-2008, 08:28 PM
Feet hit pavement and a chain link fence rattles. Through the fence is a large institutional-type building with a sign out front that reads "St. Bart’s Mental Health Facility". The fence-jumper, NICK VALOR, stands and looks around quickly.

*I had to read this a few times to figure out which side of the fence Valor landed on. The following dialogue cleared it up.

*I think feet hitting the pavement is a great way to open a film. I’d be in it right away.

Maybe …

Feet hit pavement next to a rattling chain link fence. Beyond the fence is an institutional building. A sign reads ‘ST. BART’S MENTAL HEALTH FACLITIY’. NICK VALOR, the fence jumper, scans left and right.

This …

He walks down the street, trying to be casual. THREE
HOMELESS MEN stand in a circle having a conversation. One of the men has the hiccups.

*No need to mention they are having a conversation, as the dialogue will show that.

Like the homeless dialogue. Feels authentic.

Page 2, This …

He picks up a cell phone off the passenger seat and dials
while driving.

*Need to add an INT. CAR slug here.

Page 3

*Here too on the INT. CAR slug

Ronnie gets in the car, but she pouts and won’t look at him.

Page 4, This …

RONNIE
I’ll be right back. I’m going to
take my pretty little head to the
pretty little girl’s room.

*Great dialogue.

This …

He goes off and leaves his wife behind, and she speaks in
perfect English.

*Very funny. Love the shouting thinking somehow she’ll understand.

Page 5, This …
She vomits on the sidewalk. Ronnie gets
out of the car, too.

*About here you need an EXT. CAR slug. Reading ahead I see a few more INT/EXT car action that should be clarified.

*So far Ronnie is a very likeable character.

Page 6, This …

He lays down on the bed holding the gun and falls asleep
with the television on.

Maybe add an empty box of donuts.

Bottom of page 8

*Big chunk of dialogue needs to get broken up. It’s a great sequence, so break it into it’s action sequences. First break can come after ‘he walks down the boardwalk’, and the second after ‘with hatred in their eyes.’.

That will give you three smaller blocks to make this read easier.

*****************
Very well-paced script. Characters are clearly defined, which always makes a read pleasant.

Valor seems like a guy perpetually in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Not 100% clear what Valor’s goal was other than to escape. It’s rare to see a story where the Protag doesn’t get what they wanted, and in truth I wish there were more. When it works well, it’s just as valid as the clichť ‘protag always wins’. I think this one works well.

Ronnie was a good character. MAybe add her at the end watching the broadcast.

Splendid job.

a

themightyshrub
12-16-2008, 06:17 AM
I really loved this script. The dialogue was fantastic, and the characters were all really believable. Like Alex said, you could do with breaking up your action paragraphs a little, especially at the bottom of page 9. I also had to read the opening a couple of times to work out which side of the fence he had landed on.

The only real criticism I have, and it's very small, is his opening line - "Well that was easy..." Why is he talking to himself? I know he has just escaped from a mental institution, but I got the impression from the rest of the script that he's not mental, he's just a 'wrong time, wrong place' kinda guy, and ended up where he didn't belong. Perhaps take out the line and replace it with an action paragraph, something along the lines of "He looks up at the fence and at the building behind it. He seems confused. It was too easy"

Really fantastic story though, one of the best I've read so far

preston
12-16-2008, 11:12 AM
i talk to myself all the time, heh heh. :-Dum(DBG):

jamiejay
12-16-2008, 01:51 PM
alex-
you are, of course, correct about the int./ext. car slugs. i never even thought about that, but i will add them if i make this a longer script. i also agree about the action scene at the end. it could use more dialogue to break it up.

the scene with the red-faced man and his wife was actually based on a real-life situation that happened to me. a man really did introduce his asian wife to me by saying, "i didn't order her online or nothin'. i went over there and got her." he also yelled when speaking to her and she seemed to speak english perfectly well when he left the room. i always thought it should be in a script. glad you caught the humor of the situation.

thank you for the review. i'm happy you liked it. :beer:

jamiejay
12-16-2008, 02:00 PM
heather-
thanks for reading and for the positive review. i appreciate it.

valor definitely talks to himself. he talked to himself later in the hotel scene as well. i ended up cutting out a few more scenes where he would have talked to himself and leaving them in might not have made the first time seem inconsistent with the rest of the script. he's not really insane... but he is a little odd. i was thinking almost along the lines of captain jack sparrow... but not quite. :)

i am so far behind on my comments, but i did read your script and i will comment soon. thanks again.

jamiejay
12-16-2008, 02:03 PM
i talk to myself all the time, heh heh. :-Dum(DBG):

why am i not surprised? :tongue:

preston
12-18-2008, 08:59 AM
why am i not surprised? :tongue:

writer's curse, i guess.... :Drogar-Evil(DBG):

hey, i just read VALOR again and i gotta say- it's hilarious. great dialog from great characters in a great story. i really want to see this produced for one of the DVX film fests...

nitramlehcar
12-18-2008, 11:06 AM
I was talking to my purse right before I started reading. Someone should lock me up.

Loved the whore, jay. ;P

jamiejay
12-18-2008, 01:41 PM
but did your purse talk back to you? :p

i think i should change my tagline to "crazy people and whores are in denial." what do you think? ;)

nitramlehcar
12-18-2008, 02:00 PM
My purse didn't talk back, but I swear the sofa did.

And, I think that would be perfect.

GrizzlyGuy
12-18-2008, 09:06 PM
Oh man, that was a hoot! Poor Valor, talk about having a bad day.

I loved this line: "Sea gull feathers, powdered donuts, and fists all go flying in one giant cluster f**k" LMAO!

Good work!

jamiejay
12-18-2008, 09:45 PM
thanks, grizzly! :) cluster f*** was just the right way to describe it. i'm glad you enjoyed it. ;)

Russell Moore
12-19-2008, 04:56 PM
I was reading the thread and saw True Romance come up. One of my all time favorites.
I promptly went back and read your script again. I liked even more on the second read.
I'm just really impressed with the dialogue and love the relationship between Ronnie and Valor.

jamiejay
12-19-2008, 07:35 PM
Again, thank you, conlan.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my script again, and I'm glad the second time was even better. I really respect your opinion, and it's good to know you are a fellow True Romance fan. ;)

Horncastle
12-20-2008, 07:29 PM
Wonderful - original, well written, well paced, great dialogue, really funny. I loved the homeless men's dialogue about hiccups/whiskey being contagious and then how you picked up on this again at the end. I do think though that it might be a good idea to try writing that alternative ending where he gets off scott free - I can see that fitting in very well. Thanks for a truly entertaining read.
Jason

jamiejay
12-21-2008, 12:57 AM
thank you, horncastle. i appreciate the review. i'm really torn here because i kind of like the idea of the cluster f*** ending, but i do think it fitting that valor somehow escape scott free. hmm... i'll see what i can do. ;)

Russell Moore
12-21-2008, 09:19 AM
Jamie, I was thinking about the ending a bit. If you chose to go the route of Valor finding his way out of trouble again. The changes maybe could be minimalized.
You never want to lose a clusterf*** ;)

The hospital has a uniform guarding outside the door. A detective comes to talk to Valor, enters room, pulls back the curtain and Valor is gone.
Cut to the scene with the news braodcast and then maybe to Valor(arm,leg in cast, head bandaged) watching it on t.v from a bar or hotel somewhere, maybe listening to the newscast on radio, which he clicks off and rides into the sunset. Anyway just my two cents.

Nektonic
12-21-2008, 11:57 AM
Your characters were very real and had nice depth to them. Not easy to do in a short format. I liked the characters a lot.

The plot wasn't the most compelling compared to some other entries, but it still worked for me. It had a dark but zany feel to it, which is appropriate due to your character being an escaped mental patient. I feel like you were experimenting with character and situation and not as worried about the standard plot structure that we're all supposed to follow. Yeah right. Sometimes you gotta just punch the rules in the nose and color outside the lines. You did this and I mean it as a complement.

The reason this approach works is that it puts the reader in a similar state of mind as your protagonist, Nick Valor. This gave the reading a surreal experience that I feel is sadly lacking in a lot of films and scripts these days.

Even though I never really got the sense that Valor had much of a determined goal, his strange personality and situation made me want to keep reading. Little details like the asian wife speaking perfect english in the bar and then when she is being interviewed, she speaks in a stereotypical asian-trying-to-speak-english voice was funny and made a certain commentary on how television exploits stereotypes and cliches. I got a kick out of that.

Bravo for trying something unconventional and slightly bizarre.

jamiejay
12-21-2008, 08:56 PM
The hospital has a uniform guarding outside the door. A detective comes to talk to Valor, enters room, pulls back the curtain and Valor is gone.
Cut to the scene with the news braodcast and then maybe to Valor(arm,leg in cast, head bandaged) watching it on t.v from a bar or hotel somewhere, maybe listening to the newscast on radio, which he clicks off and rides into the sunset. Anyway just my two cents.

i love this idea! it would fit with his character perfectly to somehow manage to escape even in a full-body cast! very funny. when i re-write it, i will try this to see how it sounds. thanks for your two cents... anytime :)

jamiejay
12-21-2008, 09:16 PM
nektonic-

thanks for reading and putting so much thought into your review. i'm glad you liked it and i agree that the plot isn't one that really follows the typical format. originally, in my mind, the convenient store was going to be the climax and the script, as a whole, was going to take a more serious turn. but then i thought of how absolutely ridiculous and comical the scene was, despite the dead bodies, and this odd character who always manages to get himself in (and eventually out) of the strangest situations was born.

the characters and situations definitely drove this script; and i tend to love those types of movies... outlandish characters, hilarious situations, and great memorable lines. pulp fiction, true romance, sling blade, princess bride, and american psycho (i love the business card scene) are some obvious examples.

i already have many additional scenes in my mind, and, if i were to make this a longer film, i think i would have an overall story progression, but it would probably remain secondary to the individual scenes.

i'm glad you picked up on the wife's changing accent. it was a last minute add-on and i think it worked. :)

jasonthewho
12-22-2008, 08:31 AM
Fun script! The lead is a very likeable character. The plot is zany and entertaining.

I felt the end was a let down, and I prefer the idea that he's escaped the hospital room. Or perhaps at the end of the clusterf***, all the police officers, gang members, etc. are beaten to a pulp, but Valor is nowhere to be found.

Good work!

jamiejay
12-22-2008, 09:35 AM
thanks jason! i'm glad you liked it and i am starting to think you are right... he should have so gotten away. and i think he still will. oh yes, he still will. ;)

david jerome
12-22-2008, 03:34 PM
thanks jason! i'm glad you liked it and i am starting to think you are right... he should have so gotten away. and i think he still will. oh yes, he still will. ;)

Oh he should totally get away and shi*.

Horncastle
12-22-2008, 07:12 PM
Little details like the asian wife speaking perfect english in the bar and then when she is being interviewed, she speaks in a stereotypical asian-trying-to-speak-english voice was funny and made a certain commentary on how television exploits stereotypes and cliches. I got a kick out of that.




i'm glad you picked up on the wife's changing accent. it was a last minute add-on and i think it worked. :)

Yes this was definitely a nice detail. Not only did it seem to refer to TV exploiting stereotypes - I got the impression that actually she was exploiting the stereotype of herself, which made it even funnier.
Jason

MiataFilmSomething
12-22-2008, 09:33 PM
I really liked the flow of the script. It had some great transitions and kept a great pace. Always in motion.

I would have liked to have seen some more motivation to the characters as to why they're doing what they're doing. That's very hard to do in a ten page script, though.

Congrats on a intriguing and fun ride!

jamiejay
12-22-2008, 10:15 PM
jason-
yes, she was definitely exploiting the stereotype. good catch. :beer:

miata-
thanks for reading. glad you found it a fun read. i really was going for a more humorous, light-hearted story.

as for the motivations-

valor owes the mafia money and has a hankering for some powdered donuts.

ronnie is still a prostitute who wants money, and is even willing to turn in valor for a price.

the mob wants their money and the street gang members think valor is the convenient store killer who murdered their fellow gang members. the mafia contacts the street gang because they think they share a common enemy.

the man and his wife just like being on television at the end and the wife uses an accent in front of her husband... she most likely married him for a green card and she is playing him.

the man chasing the stolen car was mad because it was his car.

the drunk girl in the car was drunk and no one really knows how she ended up in the backseat... she could have been there when valor stole the car, which is how i had it in my mind, or she could have just crawled in there while they were getting a drink at the bar. doesn't really matter.

the newspaper man is scared because he recognizes valor as the killer.

oh... and the homeless men have no motivation. (haha)

did i forget anyone? i think all of these motivations were pretty clear, but i could be wrong because it can be difficult to know if the reader will pick up on all the details... maybe you are looking for something deeper? sorry, they are pretty shallow actually. and not altogether sane. but i hope that clears some things up for you.

thanks again for the feedback. :)

preston
12-23-2008, 09:54 PM
http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Respect/bravo-009.gif lookin' forward to Valor pt. 2!