Solstice - by preston

[preston]

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/11343/1228943091.jpg

Solstice


"You swim with sharks long enough, you're gonna get bit."

[preston]

today's the deadline... uploading soon, hopefully. :)

[pauly_the_hitman]

Good luck hope you finish on time...
Pauly

[jamiejay]

i can't wait to read your script! i loved your last entry. ;)

[preston]

thanks Pauly, Jamie. I uploaded a few minutes ago, so i guess i'm in. :)

[jamiejay]

wow.... amazing poster! :)

[Noel Evans]

wow.... amazing poster! :)

Yeah, beautiful shot.

[preston]

hey thanks, but all i can really take credit for is the glowing text... the photo isn't mine.

it is a great shot though...

[Horncastle]

Glad your in - I look forward to reading it.
Jason

[david jerome]

Great story Preston. Great twist. Did Gina leave him the money instead of giving it back to the wife because she liked him and hopes to see him again when he is single? Just curious.
I have one major question for you. Have you seen my blue crab?

[krestofre]

Nice twist. This was well written and an entertaining read.

The only suggestion I'd make would be to bring the wife into the story earlier. Detectives like this are traditionally not married, so that was kind of a surprised when he referenced his wife. Maybe if at the beginning she called him on the phone while he's looking at the magazine and asks him to bring some milk home or something. Then the phone rings again and he's like "Yes honey, I'll get the milk," but then it's Gina on the phone. Just a thought.

[jamiejay]

*SPOILER ALERT*





Great job with getting the whole macho detective feel down. I love the note at the end. Great twist with her being hired to seduce him. You could just tell that something wasn't right. Interesting characters and a writing style that flows. I really enjoyed it! :)

[preston]

Nice twist. This was well written and an entertaining read.

The only suggestion I'd make would be to bring the wife into the story earlier. Detectives like this are traditionally not married, so that was kind of a surprised when he referenced his wife. Maybe if at the beginning she called him on the phone while he's looking at the magazine and asks him to bring some milk home or something. Then the phone rings again and he's like "Yes honey, I'll get the milk," but then it's Gina on the phone. Just a thought.

yeah, i should've planted the wife in the beginning - good call. i guess it's stories like this that make these guys "not married", haha.


*SPOILER ALERT*


Great job with getting the whole macho detective feel down. I love the note at the end. Great twist with her being hired to seduce him. You could just tell that something wasn't right. Interesting characters and a writing style that flows. I really enjoyed it! :)

thank you, jamie. :-Happy(DBG):

[DarkElastic]

It seems to be the favourite story basis of this Pulp scriptfest - PI's.
Very good script, very well written with a good twist. There was one tiny niggle and that was when the bartender said :-
It’s hard to say, man.
The man bit seemed out of place and un-necessary.

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there great little story, nice little twist - and yep I too wondered at the situation as it unfolded and it all came together quite neatly.

I'll maybe contradict one suggestion about planting the wife in earlier - i mean these 'paint by numbers' type setups are not always necessary, it also gives us far less time to adjust to the expectation of any twist.

Its like the war movie where one solider takes out a photo of his wife and kid - you know he's gonna buy it ;) So i think you got it just right.

[alex whitmer]

Enjoyed the story a lot, and agree it was a nice twist.

I would have like to have seen a little more battle of wits going on. For a detective he fell into the trap a little too easy. Those guys can 'smell a rat' from a mile away - most anyways.

Make Gina work a little harder, almost lose him, maybe even have her really want to see this guy 'fail and go for the tail'. Have Det. Heart really battle the temptation before he jumps in.

This ...

DET. HEART
(looking at his watch)
How fast can you get there?

*From here you could leave off the rest of the dialogue/salutations, and go right to Jacks. Adds a little punch.

Dialogue was a little dry at times, especially at Jacks. I think you could add a little snap to it - like I mentioned, a battle of wits.

Not sure why she needs to be married to a cop.

In the note she told Heart he can 'keep it all'. Not sure what she was referring to. She already paid him a days work, as agreed.

Also, she would have wanted some proof. Photos? A recording via cell phone? Something to seal the deal.



I'm going to read it again ...

alex

[CallaghanFilms]

Nicely done:beer:

You painted a nice pulp mood using an array of atmospheric colors.

The dialogue is clean, crisp - and you have what is easily one of the top (if not the top) dream sequence(s).


***SPOILER ALERT***

My major qualm is the lack of (exposed) motive for the wife to pay big money to set him up. For instance: If she were rich (and infidelity was a pre-condition of the pre-nup) - then the payoff would be even more devastating. Seeing as then he would be left with nothing.

That being said, I really enjoyed this baby alot.

Favorite Line:
"Guess you'll have to wait, girly."

[preston]

It seems to be the favourite story basis of this Pulp scriptfest - PI's.
Very good script, very well written with a good twist. There was one tiny niggle and that was when the bartender said :-
It’s hard to say, man.
The man bit seemed out of place and un-necessary.

hey thanks for reading... with the bartender, i was trying to go for some thinly disguised "false sympathy" - like he is sooo tired of guys asking him about women all the time, but he supposes he should sound like he gives a damn (as in "the customer is always right"). i can try some different line there, see if it works better. what would you suggest?

again, thanks for reading, and for commenting... i look forward to the feedback so i can see what works and what needs polishing.

[preston]

Hey there great little story, nice little twist - and yep I too wondered at the situation as it unfolded and it all came together quite neatly.

I'll maybe contradict one suggestion about planting the wife in earlier - i mean these 'paint by numbers' type setups are not always necessary, it also gives us far less time to adjust to the expectation of any twist.

Its like the war movie where one solider takes out a photo of his wife and kid - you know he's gonna buy it ;) So i think you got it just right.

haha, good point about the soldier/war movie. i'm glad you enjoyed the story and it's twist... thanks for reading.

[preston]

Enjoyed the story a lot, and agree it was a nice twist.

I would have like to have seen a little more battle of wits going on. For a detective he fell into the trap a little too easy. Those guys can 'smell a rat' from a mile away - most anyways.

Make Gina work a little harder, almost lose him, maybe even have her really want to see this guy 'fail and go for the tail'. Have Det. Heart really battle the temptation before he jumps in.

This ...

DET. HEART
(looking at his watch)
How fast can you get there?

*From here you could leave off the rest of the dialogue/salutations, and go right to Jacks. Adds a little punch.

Dialogue was a little dry at times, especially at Jacks. I think you could add a little snap to it - like I mentioned, a battle of wits.

Not sure why she needs to be married to a cop.

In the note she told Heart he can 'keep it all'. Not sure what she was referring to. She already paid him a days work, as agreed.

Also, she would have wanted some proof. Photos? A recording via cell phone? Something to seal the deal.



I'm going to read it again ...

alex



hey Alex, thanks for reading. i thought i would get slammed for the twist -especially how it was delivered- but most people seemed to think it was ok. i'm glad you liked it.

as for him falling into the trap so easily, i was hoping he would come across as a guy who has most likely done this before, probably several times. at this point (in his life), he might not even really care if his marriage ends, for him it's been over for a long time... explains the girly mag, and why Regina didn't have to work very hard to get him upstairs. i'll have to work on developing this more. (suggestions welcome!)

she's not really married to a cop, it's all part of the act to get him to take the case. same with the money. the wife gave her the money as (more) bait.

the "proof" was absent, yes. maybe there's an envelope on the nightstand with some juicy pics in it... probably the next thing he saw after the note.

thanks for your comments and suggestions; i hope you still like it the second time!

[preston]

Nicely done:beer:

You painted a nice pulp mood using an array of atmospheric colors.

The dialogue is clean, crisp - and you have what is easily one of the top (if not the top) dream sequence(s).


***SPOILER ALERT***

My major qualm is the lack of (exposed) motive for the wife to pay big money to set him up. For instance: If she were rich (and infidelity was a pre-condition of the pre-nup) - then the payoff would be even more devastating. Seeing as then he would be left with nothing.

That being said, I really enjoyed this baby alot.

Favorite Line:
"Guess you'll have to wait, girly."

hey, sorry for the confusion about the money. it wasn't part of the wife's motive, it was just bait (supplied by the wife) to encourage Det. Heart to take the case. Regina just got a kick out of using the detective's own money to set him up.

i tried to turn the tables (on the detective/femme fatale model) and have the detective -who makes a good living spying on cheaters- get caught with his pants down... and all it took was a call-girl and some cash.

thanks for reading, and i'm glad you liked it.

EDIT

thanks for the "mood" and dialog props... i wasn't expecting much of that. also - the dream - i thought everyone would absolutely hate it. i was preparing for a torrent of boo's. thank you!

[MiataFilmSomething]

Pretty good idea and storyline, but I thought it ended a little suddenly. I'd also like to see more motivations behind the husband and wife.

Great classic feel though, and it seemed to flow well up until the end. You could have a lot of fun getting creative filming that cool dream sequence, too.

[seansshack]

Structure and formatting are solid. Nice clear tight descriptions. Dialog is very good also, straight to the point. Each character sounds unique (and well developed).

Story flows well + like the ending.

This read like a polish script that you had spent your time with. No glaring suggestion or problems from my end. (would only be repeating what others have said on this thread already).

One of my favs. Well done.

[preston]

Great story Preston. Great twist. Did Gina leave him the money instead of giving it back to the wife because she liked him and hopes to see him again when he is single? Just curious.
I have one major question for you. Have you seen my blue crab?

thanks for reading, David. i'm glad you liked the story...

[SPOILERS]

to answer your question... Gina didn't leave him the money because she liked him - it was bait to ensure he would accept the case. she just thought it was funny that his own money was used to catch him cheating. i'm sure she was well-paid by her client- the detective's wife.

[david jerome]

thanks for reading, David. i'm glad you liked the story...

[SPOILERS]

to answer your question... Gina didn't leave him the money because she liked him - it was bait to ensure he would accept the case. she just thought it was funny that his own money was used to catch him cheating. i'm sure she was well-paid by her client- the detective's wife.

I get it. I think what I am doing is thinking to the next day an trying to predict what the characters will be doing. Trying to predict that gives me different scenarios on how they would be treating the cash. So basically that means I'm interested in the characters and wondering about them doing things that haven't been written. Great job.

[preston]

Pretty good idea and storyline, but I thought it ended a little suddenly. I'd also like to see more motivations behind the husband and wife.

Great classic feel though, and it seemed to flow well up until the end. You could have a lot of fun getting creative filming that cool dream sequence, too.

hey thanks for reading... i would LOVE to shoot the dream sequence! as soon as i find someone who will let me take their DVX into chest-deep water, i'll do it!

the wife's motivation was (hopefully) revealed in the final lines of the note.

[preston]

Structure and formatting are solid. Nice clear tight descriptions. Dialog is very good also, straight to the point. Each character sounds unique (and well developed).

Story flows well + like the ending.

This read like a polish script that you had spent your time with. No glaring suggestion or problems from my end. (would only be repeating what others have said on this thread already).

One of my favs. Well done.

thanks so much for the kind words, i'm glad to hear it's on of your favs! :)

[preston]

I get it. I think what I am doing is thinking to the next day an trying to predict what the characters will be doing. Trying to predict that gives me different scenarios on how they would be treating the cash. So basically that means I'm interested in the characters and wondering about them doing things that haven't been written. Great job.

:dankk2:

[GrizzlyGuy]

That was a fun read. I loved the twist at the end.

I wouldn't change a thing about how you introduce the fact that he has a wife (late in the story). As you have it, the twist is hard to forsee and that makes it all the more fun to read.

[Russell Moore]

Very good story. Written really well. A good job creating the atmosphere and characters.
You keep setting it up and setting it up for a twist, because these stories always do.

But I never saw it going in the direction it did. Kudos for that. Good use of the dream sequence.
Really nice work.

[nitramlehcar]

I want to be Gina! >;P

I'm actually glad you didn't plant the wife in the beginning. I would've smelled it right away. Great twist.

[preston]

That was a fun read. I loved the twist at the end.

I wouldn't change a thing about how you introduce the fact that he has a wife (late in the story). As you have it, the twist is hard to forsee and that makes it all the more fun to read.

hey thanks for reading, i'm glad you liked the end.
:dankk2:

[preston]

Very good story. Written really well. A good job creating the atmosphere and characters.
You keep setting it up and setting it up for a twist, because these stories always do.

But I never saw it going in the direction it did. Kudos for that. Good use of the dream sequence.
Really nice work.

Russell - thanks for reading, and for your comments. i'm glad you liked the dream- i thought everyone would say it was sooo ridiculous and out of place.. thanks again.

[preston]

I want to be Gina! >;P

I'm actually glad you didn't plant the wife in the beginning. I would've smelled it right away. Great twist.

rachel - you want to be a call-girl? lol... or you want to play the part of the call-girl whenever i get around to shooting this?

either way, thanks for reading... i'm glad you liked the twisty twist.

[nitramlehcar]

Ha! I thought she was a female "dick" who just did what the job called for.

And, of course, I want to be a call girl.

[preston]

haha... yeah, i toyed with the idea of making her an actual P.I. too- like leaving the note on custom letterhead or with a business card- but i figured that was a little too unbelievable. she's just a call-girl who knows how to act (they all do, i suppose).
and i still can't tell if you want to be a real hooker, or just play one in the film. :cheesy:

[nitramlehcar]

Well, which pays more? ;)

[nitramlehcar]

I like the letterhead idea. Is Gina the blue crab? If she were wearing a blue dress, the dream might make more sense, I think.

Anyway, love the "Heart" and "Flowers." You're so gay. ;P

[Horncastle]

Good story with a great twist at the end. Nothing much wrong with it so a little bit of nitpicking: "Yeah, I’d like to pin you up, girl." - sounded a bit lame to me as a first piece of dialogue. I think the dialogue on the phone went on more than necessary; maybe it didn't need the "thanks you's" and "goodbyes" at the end? And as a last thought, I wonder whether you couldn't have had a bit of a showdown in person instead of the note? It might have added more of a punch. It worked well as it was though - thanks for a fun read.
Jason

[themightyshrub]

Loved this script! One of the best I've read so far (and I've only got 6 to go). Couldn't see the twist coming, which was nice.

After Heart went to bed with Gina, I did think "well where is this actually going", but once I read on I understood why it was structured like this, and really loved it.

I liked your dream sequence. I can see why you thought people might not like it, but I thought it was wonderfully surreal, and would look fantastic on film.

Everything else I was going to say has already been said really, especially about the dialogue at the end on the first scene.

Detective Jeremiah Heart - best name ever!

[preston]

Good story with a great twist at the end. Nothing much wrong with it so a little bit of nitpicking: "Yeah, I’d like to pin you up, girl." - sounded a bit lame to me as a first piece of dialogue. I think the dialogue on the phone went on more than necessary; maybe it didn't need the "thanks you's" and "goodbyes" at the end? And as a last thought, I wonder whether you couldn't have had a bit of a showdown in person instead of the note? It might have added more of a punch. It worked well as it was though - thanks for a fun read.
Jason

hey thanks for reading... his first line was supposed to be a little lame; after all, he was talking to a magazine. i tried to show his demeanor noticeably change when he was talking to GINA, like he was putting on an act to impress her. then when he was talking to himself, he was kind-of a dork/loser.

anyway... i thought about a confrontation, but i wanted him to just wake up and realize he'd been played (and beaten at his own game). but yeah, a showdown would bring an added punch to the end.

glad you enjoyed it, thanks again! :dankk2:

[preston]

Loved this script! One of the best I've read so far (and I've only got 6 to go). Couldn't see the twist coming, which was nice.

After Heart went to bed with Gina, I did think "well where is this actually going", but once I read on I understood why it was structured like this, and really loved it.

I liked your dream sequence. I can see why you thought people might not like it, but I thought it was wonderfully surreal, and would look fantastic on film.

Everything else I was going to say has already been said really, especially about the dialogue at the end on the first scene.

Detective Jeremiah Heart - best name ever!

hey thanks! wow... i really thought i would hear two things over and over: the twist was predictable and the dream sucked. to my surprise it's been quite the opposite! that's why i like these fests so much- obviously we can't look at our own stories objectively, and we can't not see the twist coming because we wrote it. it's great to get good, honest feedback from other writers.

thanks for reading and for your comments. glad you liked HEART's name :)

[Russell Moore]

I went back and read your script form scriptfest 2, I remembered the basic set up. I still think it was pretty good. But you really took a big leap with this one, impressive.

[preston]

I went back and read your script form scriptfest 2, I remembered the basic set up. I still think it was pretty good. But you really took a big leap with this one, impressive.

:) hey thanks again. i made some changes to that script after the fest, (hopefully) improving the dialog to sound more natural. THE VANISHING was my first attempt at writing a screenplay, other than some handwritten lines of dialog for my DRAMAFEST enrty...

[jamiejay]

finished reading all the scripts, and while many of them had a p.i. and a blonde, yours definitely had unique twist. it was well written and i liked it even better on my second read! terrific work! :)

[Nektonic]

Man I did not see that twist coming at the end. You and Callaghan had the best twists of the fest.

I really got a kick out of this story though.

I didn't see the need for the dream though. You could maybe live without it. I know we needed a dream or a flashback for the fest so don't worry. I didn't dock any points for it.

Also, the opening could be trimmed. I think that Det. Heart could meet Gina in the bar without the phone call. The audience doesn't need the phone call in my opinion.

Great job though with nailing the noir style. And you kept it more realistic too, where as some of us went with a very stylized version of dialogue and narration. I also liked that you didn't have a mob boss and thugs like a lot of noir stories. I think that is why your twist works because from the get go we don't know what to expect.

[preston]

Man I did not see that twist coming at the end. You and Callaghan had the best twists of the fest.

haha cool, thanks! cheers, Callaghan! :beer:


I really got a kick out of this story though.

I didn't see the need for the dream though. You could maybe live without it. I know we needed a dream or a flashback for the fest so don't worry. I didn't dock any points for it.

Also, the opening could be trimmed. I think that Det. Heart could meet Gina in the bar without the phone call. The audience doesn't need the phone call in my opinion.

yeah maybe if i started the story in the bar, i could spend more time in the Jazz Club, or the...**hotel room**.


Great job though with nailing the noir style. And you kept it more realistic too, where as some of us went with a very stylized version of dialogue and narration. I also liked that you didn't have a mob boss and thugs like a lot of noir stories. I think that is why your twist works because from the get go we don't know what to expect.

thanks for your comments. i might attempt to produce this sometime soon, so i'm looking for suggestions where i can improve/streamline the story. trim the fat, keep the meat and potatoes.. thanks again! :)

[david jerome]

thanks for your comments. i might attempt to produce this sometime soon, so i'm looking for suggestions where i can improve/streamline the story. trim the fat, keep the meat and potatoes.. thanks again! :)
You definitely should make this. It would make a great short. I wouldn't mind seeing a bit of a sex scene at the end. Make it spicy.

[jamiejay]

see?! lol... you make me laugh, david.

preston- i agree. it would make a great short. david could star in it.

[david jerome]

see?! lol... you make me laugh, david.

preston- i agree. it would make a great short. david could star in it.

Will Jessica Biel be in it?

[jamiejay]

hilarious. :)

[preston]

so no one caught my "joker lines"...


Well hello beautiful.
And you are beautiful. http://www.iconocast.com/00007/U7/News2_3.jpg

but then again, probably no one else went to see TDK ten times. :)

[david jerome]

so no one caught my "joker lines"...

http://www.iconocast.com/00007/U7/News2_3.jpg

but then again, probably no one else went to see TDK ten times. :)


You just couldn't let me go, could you?


_