Lovecraft

[Chris_Keaton]

TITLE: Lovecraft

LOG LINE: Heaven. Hell. The same sh*t, different zip code.

This is a classic pulp fiction, supernatural noir script. As a bonus I see this as a possible short series.

[Jokerswild]

Anything to do with horror writer H.P. Lovecraft? I recently photographed his grave in Providence, RI

[alex whitmer]

Excellent to see you here!


aw

[Chris_Keaton]

[quote=Jokerswild;1488770]Anything to do with horror writer H.P. Lovecraft? I recently photographed his grave in Providence, RI[/quote

Yes, in spirit. The main character's name is 'Nathanial Lovecraft' and the story is definitely strange.

[DarkElastic]

I look forward to reading your script.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Cool love a twist on the genre. Can't wait to read it.
Pauly

[Chris_Keaton]

I forgot to mention that it only has one location, a sh*thole motel. :thumbup:

[Nektonic]

Awesome job Chris. I really enjoyed Lovecraft. This idea should have been made into a feature instead of the Hellboy movies.

****SPOILER ALERT****

Your script flowed really well. The narration worked and didn't interrupt the narrative. I like the SPECIAL POV scene as well. Very cool. You balanced the noir side with the supernatural side very well.

Nothing really wrong with this. One thing that I wondered was it seemed that after Lovecraft shot himself, the script never described how his head looked after this. I assumed that he reverted back to looking normal and had no head wound. I would maybe clarify this detail in future drafts.

I'd also like to see this developed into a longer piece with more supernatural creatures. It has potential to be expanded upon. Maybe you could use some creatures from HP Lovecraft's stories as well?

[seansshack]

Nice job. Pulled me into the story from the first few lines. Descriptions are short and sweet and dialog to tight and efficient. Would limit the use of He in one or two sentence starts (do it myself and it reminds you that you are reading something distracts a little - I try and mix these with characters names).

Overall good story, well written and little to improve or moan about (from my end).

[ghalied]

Interesting "universe" and well written. I was wondering more about Lovecraft, who and what he is. Could definitely see these characters in a series. Well done.

[Chris_Keaton]

Awesome job Chris. I really enjoyed Lovecraft. This idea should have been made into a feature instead of the Hellboy movies.

****SPOILER ALERT****

Your script flowed really well. The narration worked and didn't interrupt the narrative. I like the SPECIAL POV scene as well. Very cool. You balanced the noir side with the supernatural side very well.

Nothing really wrong with this. One thing that I wondered was it seemed that after Lovecraft shot himself, the script never described how his head looked after this. I assumed that he reverted back to looking normal and had no head wound. I would maybe clarify this detail in future drafts.

I'd also like to see this developed into a longer piece with more supernatural creatures. It has potential to be expanded upon. Maybe you could use some creatures from HP Lovecraft's stories as well?

I was hoping to make this a series of shorts with this as the first episode. I've got a whole story idea just simmering in my head. If that doesn't work out maybe I'll work it into a feature. Thanks

[DarkElastic]

I loved your script... Very much how Constantine should have been!
Great read, thanks.

[lawriejaffa]

Interesting, I quite enjoyed this - I think for the Lovecraft reference it could perhaps be a bit more Lovecraftian (okay its just the characaters name and im a Lovecraft fan boy) so best scratch that lol.

I wasn't sure at first but it absorbed me after the first couple of pages and I enjoyed it and as someone else mentioned its fictional 'universe' or world it creates.

So good luck with it as a web series and its certainly an enjoyable dark romp!

[krestofre]

Loved it! Lovecraft is a very intriguing character. I'd love to see more of him in the future.

[Redcloak]

Excellent.

Good on almost every front.

But the last line... Man it's a good line, just... not quite right.

[Chris_Keaton]

Excellent.

Good on almost every front.

But the last line... Man it's a good line, just... not quite right.

It's kinda a set up for a future episode, but I know what you mean. However, I need to completely redo the first line. I think it's too up front. Maybe something line 'I want out, but they won't let me.' or something a little more vague and mysterious.

[CallaghanFilms]

Cheers:beer:on an intriguing concept.

This one definitely demanded an immediate rereading
(and not at all in a bad way).

The dialogue was quite good...but there was some sense of it "serving" a bigger story at times (not unlike "The Golden Compass").

I have this thing about stories (even anthologies or "chapters" of a series) standing on their own two feet first and foremost. Not to say that your story doesn't...but it comes mighty close to the edge.

That being said, Lovecraft inhabits a very interesting fictional world that I would love to visit again.


***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"...which is all well and good. They whisper sweet nothings into your ear. We're not so bad, just misunderstood."
Nice.

[MiataFilmSomething]

I'm with you on the making this a series idea, or a feature at the least. I want to do the same with my script, and that was its original intention. Add a few more characters and scenes, and you're good to go.

I may have spent some more time talking about the artifacts and such. That's always fun to expound on.

Great read!

[Chris_Keaton]

I'm with you on the making this a series idea, or a feature at the least. I want to do the same with my script, and that was its original intention. Add a few more characters and scenes, and you're good to go.

I may have spent some more time talking about the artifacts and such. That's always fun to expound on.

Great read!

I believe, it's better for us 'writers' to not go too far with artifacts and such. I know as a reader/watcher we want more. But more takes the mystery and excitement out of it. What we see becomes routine and loses some luster. Just read the end of the 'Gunslinger' series to see what I mean. Heck, a little mystery keeps you coming back for more.

Thanks for the feedback.

[themightyshrub]

Before I read this thread, I had an very exact idea of the feedback I was going to give you, but then I read the thread and it appears Nektonic has said exactly what I was going to say.

I was confused about the state of his head, and to be honest, that was the only thing that annoyed me about this script - the rest of it, fantastic!

I love the special POV, I could really imagine how it would look in my head, and it really worked well.

Just one piece of dialogue that didn't quite read correctly - "My friends call me Lovecraft and my enemies too". Despite the fact it needs a comma, it still reads a bit wooden. Perhaps cut it down to "My friends call me Lovecraft. Enemies too."

Also, I have absolutely no knowledge of Lovecraft at all, but I really enjoyed this script. I don't know if that was something that worried you, but I noticed that most other people who had commented so far had some knowledge of him, and understood the references, so I thought I'd tell you that I have no experience of him whatsoever, and as far as I could tell, it didn't effect my enjoyment of the story at all.

Favourite line: I had some sinus troubles

Well done, definitely my favourite so far

[DarkElastic]

I also have no experience of Lovecraft. But with regards to the head it did not annoy as I read it as being back to normal, because, Mr Green entered and made no comment about his head, but did about the blood and brain on the curtains. That tells me that his head was back to normal with no traces of blood or a wound on it, as i would have expected Mr Green to comment on his Lovecraft's look as well.

[Noel Evans]

Chris, really well done. Reads easily. Lovecraft is very cool character and you do want to see more of him. I really enjoyed it.

One thing I want to say though, and this is merely my personal opinion, I like to see a complete short. What I mean is, I think it's great that you created such a strong character and wrote this piece really well, but it feels more like one event in this characters longer journey. Its like a reveal into his world and who he is. But hey, all just opinion.

Again, really well written.

[GrizzlyGuy]

Wow, very creative. It's hard for me to give you any constructive feedback as I think you nailed it. Nice job, I can't wait for the series. :thumbup:

[conlanforever]

Very good, really enjoyed it. Thought Lovecraft's dialogue was very good.

I also had a little trouble with the beginning as far as him shooting himself in the head. I didn't realize that he had gone about business as usual til I read the bit about the brains on the curtains. Maybe just something small, note that he still has the gun in his hand and rubs his head oir something.

Overall I thought you did a really good job, interesting characters, world, well told, good job.

[preston]

some quick notes as i was reading:

3rd paragraph:
"the screens dead reflection" maybe... "the dead screen's reflection"

also, "betray his tormented past"... do you mean "portray his tormented past"?

kinda hard (for me) to follow exactly what's happening... also, i'm not sure if it qualifies as pulp.

i haven't read your thread yet, so if those things were mentioned, just ignore them. i think you have a good story here, but it confused me a little. no big deal though, i'm going to read other's comments and then re-read the script. i'm sure i'll get it the second time around, and more comments to follow...

[Chris_Keaton]

some quick notes as i was reading:

3rd paragraph:
"the screens dead reflection" maybe... "the dead screen's reflection"

also, "betray his tormented past"... do you mean "portray his tormented past"?

kinda hard (for me) to follow exactly what's happening... also, i'm not sure if it qualifies as pulp.

i haven't read your thread yet, so if those things were mentioned, just ignore them. i think you have a good story here, but it confused me a little. no big deal though, i'm going to read other's comments and then re-read the script. i'm sure i'll get it the second time around, and more comments to follow...

'Betray his tormented past' was my flowery way of saying he's a hardcase, but every once in awhile his torment breaks through to the surface.

Believe me I had to explore the whole internet to get an idea of what pulp fiction is. And hell that didn't help, much. Basically all pulp is cheap and dirty stories designed to get a rise out of the audience quickly. Pulp topics wandered from Futurescapes, Monster, Ghosts Stories, and the ever present Private Dicks. Not just Quentin Terantino movies. So I decided to mix the popular detective dude with something supernatural. I didn't try to replicate the old style, but do the same thing for today's audiences. We aren't making movies for the OLD pulp fiction audiences, but for people today.

Hopefully that helps. :beer:

Thanks for the feedback

[Horncastle]

This was a good read and a courageous entry, but I'll admit I had some difficulty getting into the swing of it. I had to go back and read it several times to work out what I think of it and actually I'm still not sure. The Lovecraft and his universe you are portraying are pretty "abnormal" and maybe your style is rather laid back to get it all across in a few short pages. Maybe what I'm saying is just a different way of expressing what others have said about it seeming part of something larger. As a standalone piece maybe it should have been a bit harder hitting? - It's certainly well-written and well structured. On a nitpicking note, I think it should be "Sheol" and not "Schoel" (page 3), unless this is an alternative spelling I'm not aware of. Thanks for the read.
Jason

[jasonthewho]

All you need is to get Guillermo del Toro to direct!

But seriously, this was a cool script. I liked it a lot.

A couple comments. There seems to be just a tad too much V.O. for how much action there is. And the dream sequence seemed a little cliche. And I assumed he had dreamed shooting himself as well, until we heard that great sinus problems line.

Good characters, nice dialogue, and cool objects. Nice work!

[preston]

'Betray his tormented past' was my flowery way of saying he's a hardcase, but every once in awhile his torment breaks through to the surface.




Believe me I had to explore the whole internet to get an idea of what pulp fiction is. And hell that didn't help, much. Basically all pulp is cheap and dirty stories designed to get a rise out of the audience quickly. Pulp topics wandered from Futurescapes, Monster, Ghosts Stories, and the ever present Private Dicks. Not just Quentin Terantino movies. So I decided to mix the popular detective dude with something supernatural. I didn't try to replicate the old style, but do the same thing for today's audiences. We aren't making movies for the OLD pulp fiction audiences, but for people today.

Hopefully that helps. :beer:

Thanks for the feedback

:thumbup: gotcha... and i agree with Jason about that great sinus problems line. :thumbup:

[jamiejay]

I need to reread this one again, but, first impressions, I really like it. I felt like it fell into the Sin City/Hellboy realm... (am I even close?) Very different take on the pulp, noir genre. Refreshing.

I, too, like the sinus line.

I'm not sure I understood who, or what, the main character really is, or why the other guy was an insect. But I liked the writing, the story, the characters, etc.

Nice work! (I'm going to go read it again right now...) :)

[jamiejay]

i reread it. still have some questions, but i still really liked it. :)

[alex whitmer]

Review of Lovecraft



Bottom of page 2

INT. DIRTY HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
His eyes open. He lumbers up.

Maybe use Lovecraft’s name to make sure, that as readers, we know it’s him.

Page 4

neat white shirt and jacket

This reads like the jacket is white, but I know it’s black per your description.

This …

He picks up the black handgun and slides it into a shoulder
holster.

*I’d use ‘THE’ shoulder holster since it has already been introduced.

This …

LOVECRAFT (V.O.)
Yeah, they whisper sweet nothings in your
ear. Heaven is great. A lie, of course,
anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool. Or
like me just doesn’t care anymore.

*Same dialogue?

Page 5

This is hilarious …

LOVECRAFT
I had some sinus troubles.

This …

Leather wrapped and ancient Bible

*Do you mean leather-bound?

Pretty clever story. Enjoyed it. Well-crafted ending that makes one think.

Story was solid and easy to follow, no fluff. Love the dream sequence. Classic.

[preston]

http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Respect/respect-001.gif

congrats, Chris.

[Chris_Keaton]

http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Respect/respect-001.gif

congrats, Chris.

Thanks! I got a lot of good feedback. I think I have a clearer idea where I want to take this.

[Jason Sanders]

Congrats on getting the top 10.

[Chris_Keaton]

Thanks, now I just need to find the right person to shoot it.