Fun Palace

[jasonthewho]

FUN PALACE

Let's just say it's not as much fun as the title implies.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Cool so maybe it isn't funny then either? Look forward to reading it.
Pauly

[jasonthewho]

Uploaded!

[alex whitmer]

Sweet.

[jamiejay]

that grabbed my attention ;)

i really liked your last entry and i am looking forward to reading your new script!

jamie

[jasonthewho]

that grabbed my attention ;)

i really liked your last entry and i am looking forward to reading your new script!

jamie

Thanks!

[Horncastle]

Hey Jason, good to see you in this. I'm looking forward to it.
Jason

[preston]

cheers... good luck! :beer:

[MiataFilmSomething]

Hopefully it will be a "fun" read :)

[DarkElastic]

Good action packed script, reminded me of the Arny or Sylvester films of old, especially the start. My only gripe is what the Skiny Man says when he is stabbed, a bit silly... I know he is meant to be insane, but it just sounded odd to me.

[lawriejaffa]

Spoilers//

Well it was all a bit Straw Dogs for me except without allegory or meaning! I mean for all intended purposes the first lines are uber macho and amusing - i was like 'Yeah! Go kick ass! but it doesn't quite work as an action / revenge romp because there is such a sadistic overtone with it / the death of the 'wife' / dream scene - all paints more at a horror (almost a house of a 1000 corpses type horror it reminded me of actually!)

The thugs weren't really very convincing (i mean they were suicidal to say that to a dude holding guns) and it felt perhaps a little too choreographed - ie, as if the litany of horror we're to experience has been pre-ordered regardless of the story/plot (that was a bit lacking...)

So an enjoyable but somewhat confused romp!

[krestofre]

I think to be able to accept the level of violence in the script I needed a bit more motivation. Why this guy? What was special about him that made the Skinny Guy kidnap his family? Why would the Skinny Guy have a Fun Palace tricked out with death traps? It felt like a bunch of cool set pieces strung together for no particular reason. Your writing is fine, and I felt most of the dialog was pretty good (though I agree with the earlier comment about the Skinny Guy's dying words). My sensabilities just needed a bit more explained.

[CallaghanFilms]

First off, cheers:beer: on taking one setting (IE the title Fun Palace) and building your entire story there. That ain't easy.

I concur that the opening lines of dialogue are pretty damn good. On the other hand, because they are so good, you set the bar pretty high for the rest of your story. So much so that I was expecting a vigilante story that never really materialized (ala Shoot 'Em Up).

I am left with a few minor unresolved questions, but the main one is: why not an entire gang of bad guys serving the Skinny Guy (great antagonist name, by the way). I'm seriously not trying to armchair quarterback here...but a handful of punks isn't necessarily "a bunch of people" (see above and below).


***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"My name is Richard Sampson. I'm a middle school science teacher, and I'm going to kill a bunch of people."

[jasonthewho]

Hey, thanks for your comments guys.

This is not my favorite thing I've written, but I'm interested by some of the responses.

So far everyone likes the dialogue at the beginning, which I hate. And everyone hates the Skinny Man's dying words, which is my favorite part.

I guess I'm even weirder than I thought I was.

[lawriejaffa]

Mate do you direct as well, it may be that we're not quite seeing this the way you intend? Maybe tweaking it a bit? Its hard i find as a director/writer, because writing for writing sake and directing can be so confused sometimes when trying to get other folk to see scripts that you have already developed a directorial perspective on.

[jasonthewho]

I do direct, although I have no intention of directing this.

It's definitely true that sometimes a line can play differently in real life than on the page, with the right interpretation. But, I'd obviously like people to be able to read my scripts and get that same sensation, and understand what I was going for.

[jasonthewho]

I am left with a few minor unresolved questions, but the main one is: why not an entire gang of bad guys serving the Skinny Guy (great antagonist name, by the way). I'm seriously not trying to armchair quarterback here...but a handful of punks isn't necessarily "a bunch of people" (see above and below).


By the way, this is absolutely true. It was really just laziness that I didn't write another scene where he kills some more punks.

[Susanne G.]

What an intrigues little splatter story. For sure one of my favourites! My stomach is still turning. Very well done, but I am not sure if I could see that as a film without my cushion. :thumbsup:

Susanne :bath:

[conlanforever]

I love a good dose of violence. I agree some explanation about motivation, why , what would have helped the story.
The scenes were written really well and very decriptive, his leg is crunching when he runs...ouch.
I agree the opening line is really good. However I seem to be in the minority on skinny guy's dying line. I thought it was freaky good and funny to boot.

The Fun Palace was just good ol' family fun ;)

[jasonthewho]

Thanks Susanne and Russell! You both do such great work that I really appreciate your compliments.

[MiataFilmSomething]

Pretty much what everyone else has said about a greater explanation of the motivations of the characters, but that's hard to do in a 10 page limit.

This is probably the most intense script I've read so far. It really sucked me in and made me want to read more. It was a great thrill ride.

I've been watching a lot of episodes of the old Batman: The Animated Series cartoon latley, and this reminds me of something that you'd see in that series, Batman chasing the Joker to an old abandoned amusement park and such.

Way to go!

[jasonthewho]

Thanks! The Joker was definitely an influence on the Skinny Man. If you've seen Mask of the Phantasm, he's converted an amusement park in a similar way.

[seansshack]

Very comic book/cartoon style of story. I had batman the animated series in my head and was glad to just read that you styled in on the joker/phantasm movie (as the comparison isn't unfair). I was a big fan of this series, so helped me enjoy this piece more enjoyable for me.

Very faced paced and worked for me for the most part but felt it needed more time to explain set-ups/motivation(s) etc

Dialog for the most was good - but skinny guy was a bit 2 dimensional (but this could be more the fault of knowing more about him). Also really didn't like he dying line. No matter how mad his was, I would him shocked/scared - show a different side.

Overall good work. But for me it could better fit in animated form - unique very violent batman.

[GrizzlyGuy]

That was some wild and wacky stuff!

I liked it. A good ole fast paced pulp story with plenty of surreal violence. My kind of script! :thumbsup:

[jasonthewho]

Thanks guys!

[preston]

Hey, thanks for your comments guys.

This is not my favorite thing I've written, but I'm interested by some of the responses.

So far everyone likes the dialogue at the beginning, which I hate. And everyone hates the Skinny Man's dying words, which is my favorite part.

I guess I'm even weirder than I thought I was.

haha, i agree. why not have him yell "mommy!"?. it's so unfitting that it fits, you know?

i was definitely thinking Gordon vs Joker (because Batman has no family or Glocks), like in The Killing Joke. ever read it?

everything's been covered already in previous comments, so no need to get into that stuff again... i'll just say: good story, i liked it. i winced when i thought you were going to impale the little girl while her dad watched. the Joker would've loved that.

[themightyshrub]

I really liked this. The setting was great, I'm glad you mentioned Mask of Phantasm, because that's EXACTLY how I saw it in my head. I agree with what other people have said about they guy needing some reason to be targeted by the Skinny Guy. How many middle school science teachers are important enough to have their family kidnapped, and then have access to two Glocks?
Other than that, really great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

[preston]

I really liked this. The setting was great, I'm glad you mentioned Mask of Phantasm, because that's EXACTLY how I saw it in my head. I agree with what other people have said about they guy needing some reason to be targeted by the Skinny Guy. How many middle school science teachers are important enough to have their family kidnapped, and then have access to two Glocks?
Other than that, really great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

i agree -i wanted to know why he was targeted- but being a middle school science teacher and having (access to) two Glocks are not mutually exclusive. :)

[themightyshrub]

i agree -i wanted to know why he was targeted- but being a middle school science teacher and having (access to) two Glocks are not mutually exclusive. :)

It is over in blighty

[preston]

teachers can't own guns over there? i didn't know that! i guess the USA really is the wild wild west, huh? :)

[themightyshrub]

teachers can't own guns over there? i didn't know that! i guess the USA really is the wild wild west, huh? :)

Well, they can't own guns legally...

[jamiejay]

Thanks! The Joker was definitely an influence on the Skinny Man. If you've seen Mask of the Phantasm, he's converted an amusement park in a similar way.

i have seen mask of the phantasm over a dozen times and that is exactly what i pictured here! i even read the skinny man's dying words with mark hamill's joker voice... which is why it worked for me.

i can tell, based on this and your previous script, that you really like fast-paced action scripts without a lot of fluff, which makes for a fun and exciting ride. sometimes a little bit of fluff might be good however... for example, to develop a character, set up motivation, etc.

but you already have heard the motivation issues, so i won't go on about it. :)

glad you entered. entertaining.

[jamiejay]

I really liked this. The setting was great, I'm glad you mentioned Mask of Phantasm, because that's EXACTLY how I saw it in my head. I agree with what other people have said about they guy needing some reason to be targeted by the Skinny Guy. How many middle school science teachers are important enough to have their family kidnapped, and then have access to two Glocks?
Other than that, really great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

i had not even read this review when i wrote mine. if i did, i could have just said, "ditto" :)

[jasonthewho]

i can tell, based on this and your previous script, that you really like fast-paced action scripts without a lot of fluff, which makes for a fun and exciting ride. sometimes a little bit of fluff might be good however... for example, to develop a character, set up motivation, etc.


Actually, all the films I've actually shot have been character driven dramas. But for these Scriptfests, where I don't specifically intend to shoot the film, I get a kick out of writing action packed scripts where budget is no concern.

[jamiejay]

that makes sense. i would love to read one of your dramas. i'm a fan. ;)

[Horncastle]

that makes sense. i would love to read one of your dramas. i'm a fan. ;)

jamiejay - download Jason's Timefest entry "The Five Worst Days in the Life of Bartholomew Saxton" - it's very good.

Hope that wasn't out of place Jason!
I enjoyed Fun Palace. This was a very visual piece - I think it was very much a violent, splatterish, comic sketch, and taken as such it worked very well (including that dying line). As a sketch I didn't feel the need for more background or fleshing out, but I can see that others might feel that lack. I really liked the opening, not just the dialog but the action as well. Thanks for the read.
Jason

[jasonthewho]

Thanks Jason! And I would never complain about someone pimping one of my films!

[jamiejay]

horncastle's a good pimp. i went and watched "the five worst days in the life of bartholomew saxton" and i loved it! i'm not just saying that. it was frickin awesome. i love the whole pushing daisies feel. it was funny and clever and well-done. now i'm an even bigger fan! ;)

[jasonthewho]

Thanks jamiejay! Its great to have someone check the film out. It's been a long time since I've gotten any feedback on it. I appreciate the compliments. Everyone keeps saying Pushing Daisies, and I still haven't had a chance to check that show out. I'll have to watch it. Sad that it's getting cancelled.

[Nektonic]

I really liked your script jasonthewho. What an awesome and succinct opening. You really got the adrenalin pumping from the get go. :kali: :violent5:

I can see this being either gritty in visual style, or in a more comic book style as well. The flow was nice and kept the plot moving. The action was exciting and excellently described.

I have to say that the great opening was stronger than the ending.

I also really got a kick out of your use of an abandoned Chuck E Cheese type of place. Man, that sounds scary.

I would also like to have known what the skinny man's motivation was for abducting and torturing his victims. I assumed that he was just a demented nutcase, so it still works. Also, his line "mommy, ouchies it hurts" makes me think that he maybe had some sort of abuse as a child.

You had some room to flesh things out with the 10 page limit. I would like to know a little more about the characters. So that would be my biggest criticism.

I really enjoyed this though, even with the gruesome treatment of the wife and Emmy. I look forward to what you will come up with for next scriptfest as well.

[jasonthewho]

Thanks Nektonic!

[alex whitmer]

Review of Fun Palace

*Great line …

RICHARD (V.O.)
Well, I've got two Glock's that think
differently.

*Don’t need the ‘ on glocks. It’s plural, not possessive.

*More great dialogue follows!

This …

Richard leans up against a boarded up window, and looks
through a small hole.

*Hyper picky here, but watch for the double use of the same word in the same sentence, in this case ‘up’. It always reads a little clumsy. You could ditch the first one altogether. Superfluous anyways.

This …

THROUGH THE HOLE

*Maybe POV through hole.

Page 4

He's in the middle of a merry-go-round
surrounded by plastic horses

*Probably wooden horses if it’s an old park.

Page 5

Richard stumbles forward as fast as he can

*I would use hops, as one leg is useless.

This …

Finally he can see her: eyes frozen wide, a golf club shoved through her mouth, coming out the back of her head.

*Ouch.


Nice job on this one! Twisted and sad, but well done.

Little confused on what was fantasy/dream and what was real. Seemed to ride a fine line between worlds.

Enjoyed it anyways!! You have a wild imagination.


aw

[jasonthewho]

Thanks for the critique Alex! I agree with all your comments.

As far as what was fantasy/dream, the only thing that is supposed to be specifically a dream is the hospital scene. Everything else takes place in the heightened reality of this world.