Wooden Kimono

[CallaghanFilms]

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/6548/1228973586.jpg

The Transgressions and Cessation of Harry Glass.



View all the PulpFest Scripts HERE (http://www.dvxfest.com/scriptfestIII/)









Cheershttp://www.geocities.com/chad_callaghan/-emot.gif

[pauly_the_hitman]

Ouch a wooden Kimono sounds painful to wear... But interesting to read about good luck man.
Pauly

[Nektonic]

Ouch a wooden Kimono sounds painful to wear... But interesting to read about good luck man.
Pauly

Yeah, it gives "wedgie" a whole new meaning.

Seriously though, I like this title. Sounds like an old-school title to a classic film. Maybe some Samurai characters or theme?

[seansshack]

great title

[CallaghanFilms]

Thanks fellas...

I look forward to some solid reads from yuz as well

Cheershttp://www.geocities.com/chad_callaghan/-emot.gif

[krestofre]

Did the temperature in the room just go up a few degrees?

Can't wait Callaghan!

[Capt Quirk]

Man who wear wooden kimono, get splinters in chopstick...

[CallaghanFilms]

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/6548/1228816740.gif
***Poster/Logline Added***

[Brandon Rice]

Can't wait to read this.

[preston]

good luck. cheers! :beer:

[MiataFilmSomething]

Interesting title, the fashion scene may get wind of this and start a new fad!

[krestofre]

Chad, what can I say? You have a gift for dialog and the words in this script just sing.

***Spoilers***

The only problem I have with it is that your build up is so good that when the twist happens I was really saddened that Harry Glass wasn't a real guys, you know what I mean? And at first I thought you were going for a "Harry faked his own death kind of thing" instead of it being an actor. When the camera pans around and you describe him as physically the same person I thought "Alright! Harry beat them all!"

[CallaghanFilms]

Chad, what can I say? You have a gift for dialog and the words in this script just sing...
But in what key?

Sorry to pull the floor out from under you...
-but-
I'm glad Harry hooked you and reeled you in
-so-
that I was able to do so.

:beer:

[krestofre]

That is an excellent point. You achieved your goal in spades! Well played, sir. :)

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there!

Spoilers//

This is a funny one, i can't dispute that its not well written, and really quite clever and atmospheric. The characters are interesting and the story (till the twist) fairly captivating.

I think the problem here is with the twist - in a way its cleverness can be the revelation of just how fictional our pulp worlds are ;) But we surely already knew that? This twist doesn't really bring a neat reversal on the story we have come to be absorbed in. Instead it turns it on its head for (however well it is written) a 'only a dream' type ending - that we in fact linger on for a few pages. So I rate it well for its written qualities and characters, but the ending bugs me!

But well done good sir I did enjoy it.

[preston]

well-written, Chad. i know you're a writer, and i can tell from this script that you enjoy what you do and really have a handle on the tech parts.

:Drogar-Mark-07(DBG) spoilers :Drogar-Mark-07(DBG)

i did think he was "in disguise" or whatever, but i didn't mind the reveal. nice little unique script. cheers.
:beer:

[Redcloak]

Really disagree with using camera direction like this in the script. Just shouldn't be there in my opinion.

You clearly write well, so it seems to sell yourself a little short with the reveal. But then at least it has the sense not to make it a big twist, and has the nice characterisation of the guy's interaction with people between interviews.

I enjoyed it, guess that's why I wanted a little more from it as far as the reveal goes.

[jamiejay]

i loved the opening. great use of voice overs to tell the story over action scenes.

i don't know enough about script writing (this is only my second attempt) to comment on camera directions, but i didn't find them distracting in any way.

i was thinking it was a "usual suspects" type deal at first too, but your writing style is terrific and, all in all, i liked it. good job! :)

[CallaghanFilms]

Hey there!

Spoilers//

This is a funny one, i can't dispute that its not well written, and really quite clever and atmospheric. The characters are interesting and the story (till the twist) fairly captivating.

I think the problem here is with the twist - in a way its cleverness can be the revelation of just how fictional our pulp worlds are ;) But we surely already knew that? This twist doesn't really bring a neat reversal on the story we have come to be absorbed in. Instead it turns it on its head for (however well it is written) a 'only a dream' type ending - that we in fact linger on for a few pages. So I rate it well for its written qualities and characters, but the ending bugs me!

But well done good sir I did enjoy it.Glad you enjoyed it.

:beer:




***SPOLILER ALERT***
If the ending bugs you, that's one thing...but, the story is faithful to the twist. In other words, the plot works on both levels (before and after the reveal) and serves both masters. I made doubly sure of that.

By your saying it's an 'only a dream type ending', I take that as a "cheat-your-audience-Agatha-Christie"-like ending... something I took delicate measures to avoid it being.



well-written, Chad. i know you're a writer, and i can tell from this script that you enjoy what you do and really have a handle on the tech parts.

:Drogar-Mark-07(DBG) spoilers :Drogar-Mark-07(DBG)

i did think he was "in disguise" or whatever, but i didn't mind the reveal. nice little unique script. cheers.
:beer:Unique was the animal I was pursuing here.

Being such an uber-aficionado of film noir and vintage films themselves (a well known fact to many here)...I wanted to not do what was expected of me. If nothing else, I feel I achieved that goal.

:beer:Cheers

Oh, and I am working my way through the script threads with my reviews...yours is upcoming

[CallaghanFilms]

You clearly write well, so it seems to sell yourself a little short with the reveal. But then at least it has the sense not to make it a big twist, and has the nice characterisation of the guy's interaction with people between interviews.

I enjoyed it, guess that's why I wanted a little more from it as far as the reveal goes. I'm happy you liked it:beer:



i loved the opening. great use of voice overs to tell the story over action scenes.

i don't know enough about script writing (this is only my second attempt) to comment on camera directions, but i didn't find them distracting in any way.

i was thinking it was a "usual suspects" type deal at first too, but your writing style is terrific and, all in all, i liked it. good job! :) ***SPOILER ALERT***
The Usual Suspects faux hook just before the real reveal was intentional...a little slight of hand to keep you off balance. Glad you saw it.

Also, I'm glad you diG my style:beer:

[Brandon Rice]

Loved it! :) Got me on the twist! Nice work all around!

[CallaghanFilms]

Loved it! :) Got me on the twist! Nice work all around!
I wanted to work in a hook/twist that would fool writers/filmmakers first and foremost - and audiences second.

Thanks, Brice:beer:

[lawriejaffa]

Hiya mate took time to read your script again as i was a little tired when i first read it - took more attention on your twists and reveals and yep, its not like i suggested, the typical dream ending - and fits quite neatly with the wooden kimono concept too!

Just thought i'd add that as theres nothing worse than getting bits of feedback wrong and confusing writers etc! Nice set up and very clever - you cunning fox you!

[CallaghanFilms]

No worries...

Thanks for the amendment:beer:

[Noel Evans]

Callaghan man. I really liked this. The set up was great. It was original. It was clever. Great job.

Two very small smalls, the direction in the script made it a little harder to read through smoothly, I guess when your on the other side of the camera and you see direction, you start envisioning the camera move etc instead of just flowing on. And, I think personally, and this is just a preference thing, but I'd just fade this out after he says "Bittersweet..."

[CallaghanFilms]

Callaghan man. I really liked this. The set up was great. It was original. It was clever. Great job...Thank you on all accounts:beer:



...Two very small smalls, the direction in the script made it a little harder to read through smoothly, I guess when your on the other side of the camera and you see direction, you start envisioning the camera move etc instead of just flowing on. And, I think personally, and this is just a preference thing, but I'd just fade this out after he says "Bittersweet..."
Normally when I'm in spec script mode, I try to keep camera movements to the nitty gritty. Here, though, I felt a few more were necessary leading up to this rather "out there" payoff.

[preston]

The Usual Suspects faux hook just before the real reveal was intentional...a little slight of hand to keep you off balance....faux hook before the real reveal... that's awesome. :beer:

oh, i replied to your comments in my thread. post #21 (http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/showpost.php?p=1496119&postcount=21).

[themightyshrub]

I really loved the start of this script - I loved the way you have the VO covering the whole story, it felt it flowed really well, and felt really pulpy and noirish.
I really didn't like the ending though. I know you've explained why you've written it like that already, but I still don't dig it. It felt like a giant anticlimax, and i felt cheated out of a good ending. I can see why you wrote the ending like that, and it might have worked better if it didn't carry on afterwards. It's almost like we've been given this twist ending, and whether we like it or not is irrelevant, because it then goes on for a further two pages without adding anything to the story. Had you given us the reveal and then ended it there, I might have liked it more, but because its dragged on for so long, any enjoyment we may have had from the twist is removed because we're trying to work out whats going to happen next. And then nothing happens.
Sorry, I know you don't agree, but it's jut my two cents.

Most of your dialogue was lovely, but there were some words I just didn't understand. Maybe I'm being a bit dense, or maybe they're American words that I just not familiar with, being British. Here's the bits I just didn't understand - "The button-man am-scrays", "(sotto)", "butter and egg man", and "don ameche". Not understanding what you meant by these didn't affect the way I read the story, it still made sense reading it, but I took me out of the script because I had to stop and try and work out what it meant. Maybe I'm just being dense though.

One last point is your formatting. I know people have mentioned the camera directions already, so I wont dwell on that too much, but it does distract you when you're reading it, if you have to stop thinking about the story to try and imagine the camera directions. Generally, camera directions are the responsibility of the director, not the writer, and would only ever be included in a shooting script, not the screenplay.
Also, the way you've written some points could have been included in your action lines instead of sticking out as separate sections. For example -
(NOTE: He looks exactly .... shaggy hair and a beard) could have been just put in as an action line, instead of in brackets. This would help it read a lot better.

That might look like I didn't like your script, but with the exception of the ending, that I've already mentioned, I really really enjoyed it! It's one of the better ones I've read so far.

[seansshack]

Love the title.

I would avoid using sentences such as "(NOTE: Think "THE GODFATHER" opening slowness)" - as it reads sort of like a pitch with a script.

+ all use of camera movements - I know you may direct this yourself and using it thus seems OK. I just find it to be a bad habit and distracts the reader - but all a matter of choice I guess.

Strong use of voice over - a good example of how it should be used.


Other than these grips. Strong start pulled me in. Good story and liked the ending (although found myself reading it a couple of times, because I was expecting it to go another way - which is good for your story).

[DarkElastic]

Well done, extremely cleaver - you got me on everthing you were trying to get us on. As a filmmaker, and not just a script writer, the Direction did not annoy me, but added to my enjoyment as I knew everything you were trying to do and how it would look... But I suppose the writers amoungst us hate mixing the two - and also anything being slightly out of format:beer:. For this comp I did think some of the descriptions were a bit too precise and would give the Director nothing to do in pre-production! I did agree with the above that if after the twist you cut to titles sooner it would have a better impact. Fully enjoyed the read though, well done.

[CallaghanFilms]

...Most of your dialogue was lovely, but there were some words I just didn't understand. Maybe I'm being a bit dense, or maybe they're American words that I just not familiar with, being British. Here's the bits I just didn't understand - "The button-man am-scrays", "(sotto)", "butter and egg man", and "don ameche". Not understanding what you meant by these didn't affect the way I read the story, it still made sense reading it, but I took me out of the script because I had to stop and try and work out what it meant. Maybe I'm just being dense though...-am-scray is pig latin -
-(sotto) is a screenwriting device used to indicate a "stressed" and/or "accented" word(s)-
-the others you mentioned are not meant to be understood by anyone outside of Harry's gang, as they are codes-
I really loved the start of this script - I loved the way you have the VO covering the whole story, it felt it flowed really well, and felt really pulpy and noirish...

...That might look like I didn't like your script, but with the exception of the ending, that I've already mentioned, I really really enjoyed it! It's one of the better ones I've read so far.
Thanks for the kind words & Cheers:beer:

[themightyshrub]

Fair enough.

Here's me being dense again though - what's a button man? All I can think of is a cockney pearly king, and to be honest, if one of those is running after him with a gun, that's not tense, that's hilarious!

[CallaghanFilms]

...Strong start pulled me in. Good story and liked the ending (although found myself reading it a couple of times, because I was expecting it to go another way - which is good for your story). Saying something of mine needed to be reread for that reason I take as super good:beer:

[CallaghanFilms]

Fair enough.

Here's me being dense again though - what's a button man? All I can think of is a cockney pearly king, and to be honest, if one of those is running after him with a gun, that's not tense, that's hilarious!
-Button or Button Man, on the other hand, is fairly commonplace in crime/mafia stories...
it is low-level associate/member who is a "gun man" (IE he "pushes buttons" or makes hits)-

[CallaghanFilms]

Well done, extremely cleaver - you got me on everthing you were trying to get us on...
Always good to hear.
Much appreciated:beer:

[preston]

[SPOILERS]

the included camera shot is necessary for the script to make proper sense. if we knew what he looked like the whole time, then there would be no reveal (since it's the camera itself that makes the literal reveal of his face).
notice there weren't other shooting directions in the script, just the one that told the story...

[CallaghanFilms]

[SPOILERS]

the included camera shot is necessary for the script to make proper sense. if we knew what he looked like the whole time, then there would be no reveal (since it's the camera itself that makes the literal reveal of his face).
notice there weren't other shooting directions in the script, just the one that told the story...

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/6548/1229373190.jpg



:beer:

[CallaghanFilms]

...faux hook before the real reveal... that's awesome. :beer:You like that, huh?:thumbsup:


...oh, i replied to your comments in my thread. post #21 (http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/showpost.php?p=1496119&postcount=21).I saw...thanks for expanding on ithttp://www.geocities.com/chad_callaghan/-emot2.gif

[Russell Moore]

Really liked this script. I like the atmosphere you create and you write dialogue really well.
I see and understand the reason for the camera directions i.e. the Godfather reference, but it did pull me out of story a bit.
But I was back in no time. Great use of V.O., not always easily accomplished.

I was thinking Usual Suspect myself and the writing was so good, I was hoping it wasn't going to be that obvious. Then you reall sucked me in with his Glass resemblance (nice work) and then twisted the other way. Excellent.

I was a little disappointed at the end, I think only because I really liked the world and characters in it. So I don't think thats really a bad thing. Really enjoyed this.

[CallaghanFilms]

Really liked this script. I like the atmosphere you create and you write dialogue really well.
I see and understand the reason for the camera directions i.e. the Godfather reference, but it did pull me out of story a bit.
But I was back in no time. Great use of V.O., not always easily accomplished.

I was thinking Usual Suspect myself and the writing was so good, I was hoping it wasn't going to be that obvious. Then you reall sucked me in with his Glass resemblance (nice work) and then twisted the other way. Excellent.

I was a little disappointed at the end, I think only because I really liked the world and characters in it. So I don't think thats really a bad thing. Really enjoyed this.
I am really enjoying that you really enjoyed it:beer:

[Nektonic]

Before I go into any type of analysis:

I must state that if you don't make this into a film I can watch; then I will have no choice but to hire a detective, preferably one that wears a fedora, a trench coat, and smokes a lot. This detective will be tasked with finding you and harassing you until you make a film of the Wooden Kimono!!!!!!!! :Drogar-Smoke(DBG):

This was awesome. :crybaby:

You totally had me completely duped as to what the twist was. I honestly thought that Harry Glass was going to pull off some sort of heist-rescue and steal the interrogated man who we assume is a some sort of crime boss. I thought he was going to steal him right out from under the noses of the cops. But then that's not it at all. My nose is bleeding from this awesome and misleading ending reveal. Go tell M. Night Shyamalan, Alfred Hitchcock, and Rod Serling that they've been out-twisted. Callaghan just gave them a cinematic wedgie twisteroo in the form of the Wooden Kimono.

As for formatting, this style is a bit harder to read with the camera directions. However, this is one of those rare cases where I am glad you directed on the page. I don't know if this would've worked if you had limited yourself to proper spec format.

Plus, the scripts from the noir era and before were often written with camera direction added. So maybe you were paying homage to the classic writers of old Hollywood.

You have a real vision for this story. Now please go make it so I don't have to hire a detective. :beer:

[alex whitmer]

Review of Wooden Kimono

This …

He goes to enter a coffee shop, when he suddenly looks behind him to see:

*This can be edited to …

As he enters a coffee shop, he looks behind him, sees …

*It’s only 3 less words, but reads smoother. ‘Goes to’ before an action is often unnecessary.

This …

The CAMERA ADJUSTS to a AERIAL VIEW of Harry's dead body

*Leave camera angles out unless it’s a shooting script. It puts your reader to work on a crew.

This …

INT. SMALL ROOM - NIGHT - EXTREME CLOSEUP – INTERROGATOR

*Not sure why you would intro a character in a slug. Easy to miss, and not really the place to do it.

The camera direction as well.

This …

(NOTE: Think "THE GODFATHER" opening slowness)

*Not a good idea to put your reader’s mind on some other flick. Keep ‘em right here in your story.

*Split dialogue over 1 and 2

Page 2

INTERROGATOR
(uninterrupted from previous scene)
How so?

*I don’t get that.

This …

INTERROGATED MAN (O.S.)
(beat)
Let's see. He had already made a name
for himself as a premier dip by the age
of fifteen.

*I think I’d put ‘Pause’ in the action before the dialogue, not under the character heading. That spot is for parenthetical directions like ‘shrugs’, or for language spoken.

*Like this …

INTERROGATOR
(nodding)
Please, go on.

Page 5

A SECURITY GUARD is making his rounds

*Keep your verbs simple present.

*A SECURITY GUARD makes his rounds …

Page 4

A big heist. Harry's men, "GLOVES" DONAHUE and SECCO, are both holding pistols - the barrels are still smoking.

*How do we know they are ‘Harry’s men?

Also, lose the ING verbs and edit …

A big heist. "GLOVES" DONAHUE and SECCO, hold smoking pistols.

Here ‘smoking’ is a gerund, not an ING verb.

This …

As he passes by, we SEE two SECURITY GUARDS sprawled out on the floor. Shot. Dead. Bloody.

*Lose the we. Love the ‘Shot. Dead. Bloody.’

Page 5

INT. SMALL ROOM - MED. SHOT – INTERROGATOR

*I’m not a filmmaker, so I don’t know what a Med. Shot is.

This …

MAX
Yeah, boss.

*We met a ‘Gloves’ Donahue. Is Max the same guy?

Page 6

Someone like
Harry might say somethin' like 'One of
these days, they're gonna fit me for a
wooden kimono'.

Wouldn’t these interrogators know all the lingo?

Page 7

Good line this …

I guess I tend to think of myself a bit
more Seinfeld than Gandolfini.

Page 9

You know, Casandra, that absolutely
nails my feelings on the matter.
Bittersweet...

So Cassandra (love the name!!!) and pretty brunette are the same??

Okay!!

Well, a little confusion with all the flashbacks that go to hallucinations and back, but I think I got it.

All the while I had a feeling you were hiding the Interrogated Man for some big payoff.

I think it’s a cool idea, showing an actor reflect back on a character – some say series actors can really become their characters over time.

Enjoyed the trip.

aw

[Horncastle]

A good read. A clever idea with a great twist and very clever double meaning dialogue/voice overs - I read back through them once I knew the end and they all fitted in with the interview situation. I've got to say I agree with others that some of the formatting/camera directions took me out a little and the ending was just a little disappointing, although inherent to the idea I suppose. Thanks for the entertainment.
Jason

[GrizzlyGuy]

That was a great story, and the dialog was exceptional. Nice work doing your research to get all the correct phrases of the period. The ending was a bit of a letdown. But now that I've read your comments about what you were going for in the thread, I'd say you nailed it! :beer:

[CallaghanFilms]

...My nose is bleeding from this awesome and misleading ending reveal. Go tell M. Night Shyamalan, Alfred Hitchcock, and Rod Serling that they've been out-twisted. Callaghan just gave them a cinematic wedgie twisteroo in the form of the Wooden Kimono...I'm am utterly moved that you appreciated the reveal for what its was (an authentic twist ending...not an audience-cheating twist simply for the sake of having a twist).:beer:

That being said, two of the names you mentioned are nothing less than gods to me (Hitch and Serling). I'm not one who's known for winning (or even entering) Humble Pie eating contests...but I am humble enough to blush at the comparisonhttp://macg.net/emotikony/blushing.gif


...Plus, the scripts from the noir era and before were often written with camera direction added. So maybe you were paying homage to the classic writers of old Hollywood...http://pages.sbcglobal.net/morningbell/boardsmilies/wink.gif

[MiataFilmSomething]

Neat script! I liked the twist at the end, and much of the story had a cool "Usual Suspects" vibe to it.

Some of the camera directions and format seemed to break up the flow of the script a little bit, but the content and idea are spot on. Well done!

[CallaghanFilms]

Review of Wooden Kimono....... I gotta say-
I wasn't really looking for coverage (especially of the technical variety).
I recognize the time you spent to give a page-by-page and all...
but not everyone is a rookie scribe trying their (writing) hand at screenplay spinning.

Sorry if that is blunt.


......I think it’s a cool idea, showing an actor reflect back on a character – some say series actors can really become their characters over time.

Enjoyed the trip.

aw

Thanks for joining me on said trip:beer:

cc

[CallaghanFilms]

A good read. A clever idea with a great twist and very clever double meaning dialogue/voice overs - I read back through them once I knew the end and they all fitted in with the interview situation. I've got to say I agree with others that some of the formatting/camera directions took me out a little and the ending was just a little disappointing, although inherent to the idea I suppose. Thanks for the entertainment.
Jason Not only were they "inherent to the idea" IMHO, - I saw them as the sole heirs.

I appreciate your agreeing that the dialogue holds water simultaneously in both narrative buckets.

:beer:

[CallaghanFilms]

That was a great story, and the dialog was exceptional. Nice work doing your research to get all the correct phrases of the period. The ending was a bit of a letdown. But now that I've read your comments about what you were going for in the thread, I'd say you nailed it! :beer:
Neat script! I liked the twist at the end, and much of the story had a cool "Usual Suspects" vibe to it.

Some of the camera directions and format seemed to break up the flow of the script a little bit, but the content and idea are spot on. Well done!

Thanks and cheers:beer:to both of you fine gentlemen (or to both of you anyway)

[preston]

http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-102.gif
congrats Callaghan!