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Farnsworth
11-21-2008, 09:40 AM
"Nobody shoots that good. Nobody. Unless his trigger finger's got a mind of its own."


First draft done, just waiting on some feedback for a polish.

pauly_the_hitman
11-21-2008, 12:56 PM
Sounds cool look forward to reading it...
Pauly

Farnsworth
12-09-2008, 06:53 AM
Uploaded. Man, I hope it doesn't suck!

Michael Anthony Horrigan
12-09-2008, 02:58 PM
Uploaded. Man, I hope it doesn't suck!
It doesn't. :beer:

Good luck!

MAH

ghalied
12-11-2008, 09:42 PM
I enjoyed the writing. Your descriptions and dialogue flow easily and beautifully. Possibly your plot was a bit thin and a tad predictable but the characters felt real nonetheless. Thanks for the story, its almost like the opening of an old school Mel Gibson movie!

lawriejaffa
12-12-2008, 07:48 AM
Hehe this was quite an enjoyable romp / Spoilers/

This script to me is a bit like a guilty pleasure, I love gunslinger movies, / gunplay action / spaghetti western etc and thats all in here.

What in some way i think lets it down a wee bit is the cliched 'strapped to a chair garage' scene and the angry 'you messed up my shipments' boss. Im surprised folk bother to write those kinds of scenarios now - which is the thing about this script - the concept of the 12 guys, the hero getting a chance etc - its great, and builds REAL suspense towards the end.

I was like oooh... how is this going to go (and of course we get our delicious little twist.) So not bad, but i would suggest tinkinering with the settings, so you don't have folk making so many pre-judgements on the opening scene/setting.

But well done mate i enjoyed it.

Redcloak
12-12-2008, 10:57 AM
Really thought this was neatly done in the way it was written. Liked the telling of it a great deal, a smart use of the flashback, especially with the ricochet moment.

Not sold on the story, think the twist is more straight than turny, and having set it up so that I wanted to know where it went I think I was a wee bit disappointed it didn't really go anywhere. But still, I think a good job.

themightyshrub
12-12-2008, 01:30 PM
I liked this! Well written, and you've got some good dialogue. I liked the problem with the shears - it bought a nice comic moment to a script that could otherwise have been a bit heavy.

I guessed the ending a couple of pages before the end, but I still think it was well written. Besides, I can't really talk about obvious twists - my entry has one too!

I agree with Lawriejaffa about the setting. I don't think a garage is necessarily going to give people preconceptions about the story - it didn't for me - but I do think that having six people in one garage would be a bit too cramped, especially from a filming perspective.

It might make it a bit more dynamic if you set it in the warehouse of the original shoot-out, blood stained walls and everything. Just my suggestion.

Really loved the script, well done!

krestofre
12-12-2008, 01:42 PM
Enjoyable tale. I think lawriejaffa is right on about some of the plot points. A few of them are overdone. I think you could easily improve the script just by changing the motivation of the gunman. I don't think the audience necessarily needs to know why he's taking out these bad guys, but if it was something more involved that just thugs moving a shippment that could add a lot to this story.

Saw the ending coming, but it's still a pretty good moment in the script.

alex whitmer
12-12-2008, 06:33 PM
Your basic two-car garage. Dusty, utilitarian. Some
shelves with paint cans, empty washer fluid jugs. A spare tire in the corner. Garden tools hanging from hooks on the walls. Big garage door with sunlight dribbling through a crack at the bottom.

*I think a lot of extra words here, which means a lot of extra reading. 'Utilitarian' is probably enough,

Your basic two-car garage. Dusty, utilitarian. Big garage door with sunlight dribbling through a crack at the bottom.

This …

He’s tied with about fifty feet of garden hose.

Can’t say I’ve seen that yet. Cool idea.

This …

They form up in a circle around him, some lean against the walls, one sits on the spare tire,

*If it’s a two car garage, and Guy is in the middle, be hard to ‘form up’ in a circle and lean against the wall and sit on tires in the corner at the same time.

I think ‘the guy’ should have a name by now. Goons, a guy and Leonard.

*****

As soon as the finger was cut off I knew the ending.

Maybe you were going for the mtsterious man with no name, but it was kinda irritating.

Well written but could use a haircut on the extra words used to set up and explain actions.

Plot is a little soft.

Very enjoyable and quick read. Nice work.

aw

Farnsworth
12-13-2008, 06:03 AM
Hey guys, thanks for all the feedback. Can't say I disagree with most of it.

At the risk of seeming to be making excuses, I intended to just get the basic flow down in the first draft and then rip out all the cliches in the second draft. Then, of course, I ran out of time and ended up submitting an only slightly tweaked first draft. So I do agree that there are some overly familiar elements in there.

I do like not giving the guy a name, though. Somehow, giving him a name robs him of his mystery.

seansshack
12-13-2008, 06:57 AM
Strong story. Nice swift and easy read. Could see the end coming (but again might be just me, but felt I seen it somewhere before). I liked not giving him a name (worked in Layer Cake). But you could give him a name in the script - just not use in dialog/story. Motivation was unclear - to me. Why was he killing them? Maybe a page or two on his back story or flashback (unless you want this to remain a mystery).

Overall nice work and good luck with it.

GrizzlyGuy
12-13-2008, 09:15 AM
Nice work! It was a great story and at no point did I feel lost as I read it, nor did I even consider putting it down until the end.

I actually didn't see the ending coming. I thought he was going to use his left hand for a classic 2-handed grip and his middle finger for the trigger finger. Back at the garden shears scene, I thought he was going to be forced to fight them with the shears as his weapon. So all these little surprises/twists (to me, maybe I'm dense) made it even more fun to read. I can't wait to see it on the big screen. ;-)

DarkElastic
12-13-2008, 03:50 PM
Very nice script for what it is. I agree with the above that there is no reason or explaination for his hatred of the goons. But, saying that, it is well written and I enjoyed the interigation. Nice ending, even if it was easy. I enjoyed reading it, well done.

themightyshrub
12-13-2008, 06:18 PM
I liked the fact that there was no specified reason for him to have shot the guys, or why he hated the goons an leonard so much, and the fact he didn't have a name. Had it been a full length script, I think those things would have needed explaining, but it works well in the short to leave them unexplained - definitely adds to the mystery!

Farnsworth
12-14-2008, 08:09 AM
*I think a lot of extra words here, which means a lot of extra reading. 'Utilitarian' is probably enough,



I just wanted to bring up a slight difference of opinion on this. No offense to Alex, of course. :)

Check out the first paragraph of the script for "Blade Runner":

-----------------
INT. TYRELL CORPORATION LOCKER ROOM - DAY


THE EYE



It's magnified and deeply revealed. Flecks of green
and yellow in a field of milky blue. Icy filaments
surround the undulating center.
----------------

Writing detail is not automatically a bad thing. It clearly doesn't worry David Peoples. :)

Farnsworth
12-14-2008, 08:11 AM
Thanks again to everyone for the feedback!

Chris_Keaton
12-14-2008, 08:36 AM
Check out the first paragraph of the script for "Blade Runner":

-----------------
INT. TYRELL CORPORATION LOCKER ROOM - DAY

THE EYE

It's magnified and deeply revealed. Flecks of green
and yellow in a field of milky blue. Icy filaments
surround the undulating center.
----------------
Writing detail is not automatically a bad thing. It clearly doesn't worry David Peoples.

That movie sucked! Sure in it's time it was remarkable. But I just watched it again and it wouldn't fly today. I found my self yelling at the screen on occasion because of the bad writing. Take this example. The police dude is explaining what the robots are to the blade runner? Really, I would expect that he knows all of this already, but thanks for explaining it to the audience. But remember once you're are famous and/or successful you can write whatever you want and get away with it. :)

Michael Anthony Horrigan
12-14-2008, 09:03 AM
That movie sucked! Sure in it's time it was remarkable. But I just watched it again and it wouldn't fly today. I found my self yelling at the screen on occasion because of the bad writing. Take this example. The police dude is explaining what the robots are to the blade runner? Really, I would expect that he knows all of this already, but thanks for explaining it to the audience. But remember once you're are famous and/or successful you can write whatever you want and get away with it. :)
Sorry, dude! The movie rocks. Especially the original cut.

Just my 2 cents.

Let's not get off topic though. :)

CallaghanFilms
12-14-2008, 12:31 PM
Alex kind of beat me to the punch.

Don't get me wrong, I am a brutally hardcore right-brainer and normally not a critiquer of the technical. But...
The ACTION to DIALOGUE ratio was way out of whack. As is, it reads somewhat like a novel. This script probably should be around 5, maybe 6 pages long.

Now that I got that outta the way:

I did enjoy Trigger Finger.

I was especially impressed with your captivating use of 1 location (+ the brief flashback). That, when done well, always impresses the hell out of me. Also, I love the garage because it has never been done before.

The ending was predictable...but only if you are looking at is as a twist (which I didn't). As a man-with-no-name story it delivers closure on-time and still hot from the oven.

One other point...Although I dug this story, I may be having a wee bit of trouble finding the "pulpiness" factor. Hmmmm

:beer:

Chris_Keaton
12-14-2008, 12:44 PM
Oh, yeah, I did read 'Trigger Finger' by the way and enjoyed it. Sure it could lose some weight, but it was entertaining. Especially loved the rusted shears bit, great!

Noel Evans
12-14-2008, 03:58 PM
I really liked reading this one. Lots of cool action.

Story wise its fairly 2 dimensional, insofar as we know and learn nothing about the main character other than he is a phenomenal shot, super human like in this regard. After reading, I had no sense of who he is or what he looks like, apart from being beat up and being relinquished of his right index. After awhile I replaced the faceless with Thomas Jane as he appeared in The Punisher. I guess I wanted to have a cool character in the seat. But kind of lost that a bit when he panics at seeing the sheers and his screams when his finger is cut off.

Don't get me wrong though, I did enjoy it as a read, where I struggle is how this would come across on screen as a whole story.

Farnsworth
12-14-2008, 05:29 PM
I guess I wanted to have a cool character in the seat. But kind of lost that a bit when he panics at seeing the sheers and his screams when his finger is cut off.


I didn't really mean to imply that he panicked. I described him as being "wild-eyed", which is different from panic. Anybody's going to have their heart rate go up in that kind of situation. Heck, even the unflappable James Bond got a bit crazy while being whacked with a rope in "Casino Royale".

But I appreciate the critique!

Farnsworth
12-14-2008, 05:58 PM
One other point...Although I dug this story, I may be having a wee bit of trouble finding the "pulpiness" factor. Hmmmm



I was going for the "Pulp Fiction"/Guy Ritchie school of pulp, as suggested in the official rules. Hard boiled gangsters and a superhuman gunman on a vendetta seemed pretty pulpy to me. :beer:

Noel Evans
12-14-2008, 06:17 PM
I didn't really mean to imply that he panicked. I described him as being "wild-eyed", which is different from panic. Anybody's going to have their heart rate go up in that kind of situation. Heck, even the unflappable James Bond got a bit crazy while being whacked with a rope in "Casino Royale".

But I appreciate the critique!

Totally understand. But the Punisher doesnt - which is what I meant when I say I couldnt sense the character so I placed my own vision in that didnt fit the space.

Farnsworth
12-15-2008, 07:40 AM
Totally understand. But the Punisher doesnt - which is what I meant when I say I couldnt sense the character so I placed my own vision in that didnt fit the space.

Ah, okay. Fair enough.

It was a fine line to walk, trying to make him superhuman yet human. It's something I'd work hard at tweaking if I was going to go forward with this.

jasonthewho
12-16-2008, 06:21 AM
Really enjoyed this. Great read with some good humor to balance out the action/killing.

Most everything I was going to say has already been said. I do have one question though. If this guys such a badass, how'd he get caught?

That's the one thing that bothered me while reading it.

Good job!

Farnsworth
12-16-2008, 07:14 AM
Most everything I was going to say has already been said. I do have one question though. If this guys such a badass, how'd he get caught?



Only because he wanted to be caught. :)

CallaghanFilms
12-16-2008, 07:27 AM
I was going for the "Pulp Fiction"/Guy Ritchie school of pulp, as suggested in the official rules. Hard boiled gangsters and a superhuman gunman on a vendetta seemed pretty pulpy to me. :beer: Fair enough. I guess I got more of an "action" vibe. Either way, like I said, I dug it...
:beer:

Russell Moore
12-16-2008, 08:51 AM
I really enjoyed reading this script. It kept my interest from beginning to the end. I also liked the part where they couldn't get the shears open. Saw the twist coming, but thats alright, it was still cool.

One small thing, in the beginning, maybe mention that it is dark in the garage, I was already imagining that it was light and then he was flooded with light. Just would have made for a better visual for me if I'd already pictured it dark. But i'm just being nit picky. Good work!

jasonthewho
12-16-2008, 09:30 AM
Only because he wanted to be caught. :)

Ah, that actually makes some sense. However, I think the script could allude to that at the end. He could get something from off the dead mob bosses body that's important, or he could have a line to the mob boss that reveals the mob boss fell for his plan.

Farnsworth
12-16-2008, 07:26 PM
Ah, that actually makes some sense. However, I think the script could allude to that at the end. He could get something from off the dead mob bosses body that's important, or he could have a line to the mob boss that reveals the mob boss fell for his plan.

You know, that's a good idea. I may just work that into the next draft (if I do one). Thanks!

Farnsworth
12-16-2008, 07:27 PM
One small thing, in the beginning, maybe mention that it is dark in the garage, I was already imagining that it was light and then he was flooded with light. Just would have made for a better visual for me if I'd already pictured it dark. But i'm just being nit picky. Good work!

Also a good idea. Thanks!

preston
12-17-2008, 11:19 AM
hey, i haven't read through your thread, so forgive me if any of this has been said before... here's the notes i took while reading Trigger Finger:

guy tied up in garage - nice start

bloody, beaten up, out cold

goons and leonard enter


page 2:
"Leonard stares at the guy for a while, sizing him up, and
the guy stares back. He’s trying to look defiant but he’s
got nothing left."

(sounds like Leonard is trying to look defiant. maybe change He's to The Guy is)

FLASHBACK - who's flashback are we in? be extra clear getting in and out of flashbacks/dreams...

good storytelling... leonard recounting to the guy in the chair what happened at the warehouse.

again, who's flashback? still not sure, assuming it's the Guy in the chair.


i like how he can't get the shears open, funny.

predictable at the end, but satisfying nonetheless.

gotta go, more later!!

preston
12-17-2008, 01:19 PM
oh, one more thing... if you titled it something (anything) other than TRIGGER FINGER, you might have better luck concealing the climax. RICOCHET maybe?

preston
12-17-2008, 09:17 PM
ok... well-written! i like the format you chose to tell this story (two stories, actually - good job). the script flowed at a good pace and was easy to understand. :thumbup:

jamiejay
12-18-2008, 10:23 AM
This was a great read! I really enjoyed it!

The main character switching hands wasn't particularly clever, but I think you pulled it off by already showing that these goons weren't exactly that bright with the hilarious clipper incident.

I don't mind more action than dialogue. A lot of films do that, but I would agree that there were more words than necessary to describe the action at points. I didn't like really care for "sunlight dribbling", or some of the other over-the-top descriptions, but I do love how your words painted a picture and set up the scene. Very visual.

The story was interesting, and that's what's important. I was reminded of the scene with Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper in True Romance. I was thoroughly entertained. :)

Nice!

preston
12-18-2008, 10:57 AM
:smiley_up TRUE ROMANCE, jamiejay? :smiley_up

jamiejay
12-18-2008, 11:14 AM
Oh yeah... I went back and added that. Thanks, Preston. :)

MiataFilmSomething
12-18-2008, 10:12 PM
Neat read! I kinda figured it out, but that's not a minus. For some reason I would have liked to have seen a cooler or more slick ending. Some sarcastic line or odd neighborhood thing happens. Something to make the story seem like it's not over.

Great writing of action though. I enjoyed it.

Horncastle
12-20-2008, 06:08 PM
A good story, well told. I especially liked the action in the flashbacks. Leonard's dialogue was very good too. My main criticism has already been made: the length of some of the descriptions, especially in the opening scene. A very enjoyable read though - thanks.
Jason

Nektonic
12-21-2008, 04:32 AM
Fan-freaking-tastic. I loved this one. Great plot, action, description, characters. I like that you contrasted the protagonist and antagonist by having the guy stay silent while Leonard rambled on like an arrogant but intelligent leader. This is mainly and action-thriller but there is a good dosage of noir injected in there as well, mainly Leonard's dialogue.

I can't think of anything really wrong with it. Maybe it would be cool to see the action a little more, but I like how you made the guy's assassin skills mysterious by implying a cutaway and only hearing the sounds of gunfire and death.

The guy reminds me a bit of something like the character of Leon from The Professional, but you have your own style and voice in this that gives it a new spin.

Even though I anticipated the twist, it happened only a little before I got to it, so that is perfectly acceptable. Although I suppose you could try to mislead the audience a little before the reveal. I don't know how but I suppose it is possible.

Great job man. I want to see this produced in full bloody glory. Make this film now dammit!!!!!!!

preston
12-23-2008, 11:14 AM
definitely one of my favs...

preston
12-23-2008, 09:45 PM
http://img3.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/fighting/fighting0098.gif

congrats!