Amnesiac

[seansshack]

Amnesiac

Tag line: What if you could get away with a murder you didn’t commit?



http://cn1.kaboodle.com/hi/img/a/0/0/5/4/AAAACsOch0sAAAAAAAVFRg.jpg

[DarkElastic]

Sounds confusing, but I look forward to your entry.

[alex whitmer]

Hey Sean,

Welcome. Love tag line.


a

[seansshack]

Cheers.

My idea is to have the main character suffering from amnesia, so figured I would continue the theme with the tag line.

[seansshack]

First draft done and looking promising.

[Nektonic]

But if you didn't commit the murder, then why would you need to "get away with it"? Good tag line though, makes me want to read the script to answer my question.

[seansshack]

Cause he is only witness and suspect in a murder. But the big question - was he involved or not. But the problem for our hero is he can't remember, or can he?

[Nektonic]

Sounds awesome seansshack. Great premise and mystery.

[pauly_the_hitman]

WOW sounds very interesting looking forward to this read. If I don't forget to read it. What? OK I have to go take out the what?
Pauly

[seansshack]

If I don't forget the story before I polish it. Doh. Too late...

[seansshack]

OK I'm done and really pleased with how it has turned out.

Let the games begin...

[conlanforever]

I really like the tagline, I'm intrigued.

[seansshack]

Thanks. Seems to be doing the job if it has you intrigued

[seansshack]

Just pulled the trigger - uploaded!

[jamiejay]

intriguing. can't wait to read it. :)

[Noel Evans]

Sean I thought the pieces were really well constructed. And forgive me if it sounds cliche, but it does feel like a part of something bigger.

[seansshack]

It started with the idea of the opening scene, developed into a short story. Now seems like it has taken on so much life there might be a feature in there (somewhere).

Basically Jack has a lot more to go through - if I get the time to write it all down :-)

Thanks for reading...

[DarkElastic]

Very well written, shame it is only a first part as nothing is answered. Good stuff.

[seansshack]

Somethings are answered by I wanted the story to match the theme - he may remember and piece it together or he may already remember is that he will (be left not knowing who what when and where).

But a lot is answered in the script of who is dead and who did it and why.

[DarkElastic]

Yes, agreed you find out who probably did it, but there could be so much more, more twists and turns to come, more to be answered and it feels that way, so you are left with wanting to read the second half - which for a script and a first film is good, but for a competition it isn't. I did enjoy the read though...

[CallaghanFilms]

Cheershttp://www.geocities.com/chad_callaghan/-emot6.gifon scribing a well-crafted murder mystery.

Your cop scenes were especially solid...nice credible police jargon!

Definitely many layers to this one, though I do agree with Noel about it feeling part of something larger in scale.




***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"I...what happened to your hand?"

[seansshack]

Thanks.

Better to leave the impression of something larger than smaller in scale.

[CallaghanFilms]

...Better to leave the impression of something larger than smaller in scale.

Is that the new ad campaign for Viagra?

[seansshack]

sounds like a good slogan!!!

[krestofre]

This was by far your strongest script across all three fests. The story was excellent, the drama was excellent, and I especially liked the transitions between scenes. Really well done!

[seansshack]

Thanks.

Lot of thinking and planning (+ watched a lot of classics to get the style right) before pen went to paper.

Hardest thing with these type of stories is the logic. getting it wrong is way to easy.

+ great when someone likes the end results.

[lawriejaffa]

Yes this was interesting, i did find the multiple layers to this short a little bit confusing and did feel that i was in the middle of a much larger story - which i think limited the effectiveness of this as an actual short film script.

That said the characters were credible, and the murder mystery theme did keep me absorped througout - so good work mate. Will we be seeing a feature for Jack?

[seansshack]

Hopefully. Was trying to make a story so interesting and layered that the reader/viewer would want more and would see more in another viewing (or piece together more during and after reading/viewing).

To use the short (either script or produced) as bait for funding a feature.

[MiataFilmSomething]

I like your Memento photo on your avatar, because that's what the script kind of reminded me of. Can't really add anything that hasn't been said before, I'd like to see the next chapter. Always keep your audience wanting more! Some of the interrogation parts seemed a little slow for me, and I'm not sure if he called the lawyer or not, or what the lawyer had to do with anything, but other than that, a great setup of a story!

[seansshack]

Thanks


*******spoilers******************




Clues about the lawyer are given. The cop didn't know because he didn't ask for one.

The lawyer is going his own way until he gets a phone call and then asks Jack can he give him a ride which seems "nice" until Jack remembers the driver....

It's one of those things (when you see it) may not hit you right away. But the lawyer is part of the "murder" the driver with the broken nose was there (and driving the car) - just told parts in visuals rather than spelling out in dialog etc.

[jamiejay]

i definitely felt the whole memento vibe and i like it. i, too, echo the sentiments of those before me. i hope you do add more to it eventually because i am one of those people that is always looking for an answer.

nice job. :)

[seansshack]

Thanks.

[conlanforever]

Sean, I thought this was really strong.

I loved the opening scene, you described it vividly. It really gets the mystery kicked off well. The dialogue was well written.
You did a good job of going between the present and flashbacks, not an easy task.

My only small hang up....I wouldn't think the Police would let him take the GPA, it would be kept as evidence.

I like how it wrapped up, it wasn't a neat tidy package, but I was okay with that. Excellent!

[seansshack]

Thanks.

Yeah was happy with the ending. Because he started physically confined and ends up in worse confinement - free but confined by the cops, murder, mob etc

- free from that trunk, but still trapped.

[seansshack]

.I wouldn't think the Police would let him take the GPA, it would be kept as evidence.

Was toying with the idea of either him just following the locations the cops had shown him or using the actual GPS.

Since they had processed it and found no prints etc they had no reason to keep it (as records were copied from it) - so it was not a murder weapon + they all want Jack to lead them to "something"

[GrizzlyGuy]

Wow, that was really cool! The FADE OUT kind of stunned me, as I had been sucked all the way in and was eager to find out what really happened. I can't wait for the feature to see how it all plays out.

Minor nit: Frank says "Now we just need to figure out you owns the leg". I think you meant "who" instead of "you".

[seansshack]

I think you meant "who" instead of "you".

Fair cop. That was indeed a typo. Cheers.

[Horncastle]

On the first reading, I found that the first scene was really good but thereafter I was increasingly confused. After a second reading I'm much less confused, although the lack of a clear ending and one or two other questions remain. It is very well written - dialogs very convincing and the structure, flashes back and forth etc. very well done although it's complicated enough to be quite hard work to follow. Maybe this is partly what makes it feel like part of something bigger - the feeling that this is a mysterious turning point in something where the big reveals are yet to come? Anyway, good work, I enjoyed it.
Jason

[seansshack]

Thanks. One of the most complicated things I have written. Keeping logic and time lines accurate was a challenge...

[seansshack]

I like your Memento photo on your avatar

Meant to say. Used this to help get myself into character :thumbsup:

slightly off topic: Was reading an article in a movie magazine recently regarding the history of memento (think it was either total film or empire) - really interesting background into how it was written and finally produced....

[preston]

ok, where's the rest of the story!!? might as well have had "TO BE CONTINUED" there instead of FTB... i hope you take the time to write part 2. :)

you mention MEMENTO as inspiration... i can definitely see what you mean. while your concept is not unique, it's still an interesting story.

i had some technical issues. (i am by no means an expert on formatting, but...) there were some important tags left out, like a few times there was nothing to indicate i was suddenly reading a flashback scene. it was confusing at first, but i got used to it. if you just go back and add in a few FLASHBACK slugs, it'll be a whole lot less confusing.
also, i think you could tighten up some of your action blocks so they read faster and smoother, but that's just my opinion.

lots of good characters with good dialog. i can tell you're having fun telling this story. nice job.

now on to part 2! :)

[seansshack]

Was kind of experimenting with the two flash(s) missing flashback. Because he is not sure if it is indeed a memory or flashback or nothing at all.

But fair cop. Better to include and not confuse the reader.

Don't intend part 2 just want to develop into a feature.

Talking about Memento. Did that really end as the end was the start(???) his story would have gone on and on (until he died or was killed)...

Thanks for the feedback and read.

[preston]

i'm still trying to figure out MEMENTO. i thought i knew what happened, then i made the mistake of watching it again! haha

[themightyshrub]

This script started out SO great. The opening scene was one of the best openers I've read, and it really geared me up for the rest of it. And I enjoyed the rest of it, right up until the lawyer arrived. I get that he just arrives, and the police didn't know he was coming, and the guy doesn't know if he called him or not, and all of that, but as far as I'm aware, in a situation like that, a lawyer will always be appointed to you - especially if you're in a vulnerable position, such as he is. Could just be a UK thing, but I'm sure the line is "if you are unable to afford or contact a lawyer, one will be appointed for you".
It just didn't make sense to me. As well as this, they seem to have him shackled up in a jumpsuit (quite guantanamo), and then all of a sudden he's just free to go. Didn't make sense to me.

After this, it seemed a bit rushed, especially considering that there wasn't really an ending.

To sum up - as a short, I don't think it really worked. Too many questions and no answers at all, and I think a short should always have a good strong beginning, middle and end. This seemed to be ten pages of start. HOWEVER as a feature I think it would be AMAZING. So don't let my comments get you down. From what I've read, your motivation for this has always been to use it as a springboard for a feature, and I really really hope you make it, because I think it would be fantastic.

[seansshack]

Researched the death out of this.

The lawyer arrives unknown to the detective - because someone called him.

Look for the visual clues. Jack never asked for a lawyer - was only concerned with his wife...

He arrives and then they go their separate ways. Until he gets a call and tries to a get Jack into the car to which he agrees until he sees the driver.

Basically hinted and not spelled out that someone (crooked cop) calls him to pick him up "because he remembers". Not spelled out in scenes.

Believe me not rushed and there is an ending. jack ends where he started trapped in a car. Started in the trunk, ended in car. But trapped.

He's in a jump suit because his clothes would be processes. He didn't get a lawyer because (as suggested) the cops were trying in on - get a confession. (but from a guy that can't remember).

He was set free because they had nothing. Arrested because he was the only suspect in a murder of god knows who.

If you have the time read again - there are plenty of answers - just not spelled out. For once I decided to reply on visuals clues rather than dialog.

Jack was having an affair. Christine is killed because she has something. Jack is next. But car crash allows him to escape. The cop is involved. The lawyer is involved. The driver is involved. But Jack can't remember why they all want him - because he might know too much or have what they want.

[alex whitmer]

Review for Amnesiac

Title kinda gives away some of what the story might be about.

A crashed car wrapped around a tree. From visible damage on
the front of the car, it obviously crashed at speed. The
engine is running and the car horn blows continuously.

*They have trees in dumps?

*If this car is wrapped around a tree front end, the engine would not be running.

*This can be trimmed to …

A car is wrapped around a tree. The horn blows continuously.

*’Wrapped around a tree’ implies high speed.

*31 words down to 11. Adios 20 superfluous words!

Cool this …

GPS UNIT
Next destination please...next...

This …

Jack starts to panic

*You mention this twice.

This …

‘pouring limited light into the darkened area.’

*Incongruous ideas. Maybe ‘sputters limited light …’ or something to that effect.

We already know it’s dark.

This …

The lighter allows him to see some of the trunk. Now Jack can see what he is in and what little room he has.

*Kinda say the same thing twice here.

This …

In the limited light


*You really only need to get this point across once.

Page 2

Jack raises his hand to his mouth to bite his fingers nails

*Raising his hand is inferred by the nail biting.

This …

Jack’s has a black eye and a small band aid on his nose.

*Typo on the possessive form of Jack’s.

This …

Jack’s has a black eye and a small band aid on his nose.

*I’d have these two attribute up top when you first show Jack in the Interview room. This is way after we see him.

Jack, his hands shackled and sporting a black eye and a band-aid on his nose, sits at a small table. He is dressed in orange overalls. He bites his fingers nails.

Jack’s leg bounces nervously under the small table, his bare
feet appear cut. He looks towards the large two way mirror on the far wall, at his own reflection.

*Or something like that.

Page 3

They find Our guy in the trunk
claiming...

Typo on ‘our’

Page 4

Opens the soda

*Should be opens‘a’ soda.

This …

The door opens and Tom walks in
*Your using the passive form for the door in a few spots. Is the door automatic?

This …

Jack kisses a woman’s leg.

*Need to tell us this is a flashback.

Page 6

FRANK
Now we just need to figure out you
owns the leg. Christine maybe?

*Should be ‘… who owns the leg’.

This …

Jack looks at himself in the mirror and smiles. A door
smashes in the room next door and Jack turns.

*I took this to mean the motel room next door, but I assume you mean the bed area?

Page 7

… the other unseen man

*Who can’t see them?

This …

Jack stumbles backwards and the men turn their attention
towards the bathroom.

*So, he just watched his wife get whooped?

This …

Jack’s world collapses inwards on him.

*And how do we see this on film?

This …

TOM (V.O.)
Bit myself shaving. What’s that...

Pretty dang funny line.

Page 9

… takes out his keys, wallet and the GPS unit

Wouldn’t the GPS be kept as evidence?

This …

DAVID GOLD (O.S.) (CONT'D)
You sure. Fine. I just wish you
would make your mind up.

*’You sure’ is a question.

Well, per the tagline, not sure this played all the way out. Something is left unfinished here.

Did the cops just let him go?

There is much to like about this. Strong characters and concept, but a few loose threads need to be reeled in.



I thought Tom's injured hand would somehow play a part.



Aw

[seansshack]

Title kinda gives away some of what the story might be about. Agree title is crap - only a test title.


I thought Tom's injured hand would somehow play a part. - it did. Jack remembered the bite happening in the motel room when Christine was killed - Tom was involved - he remembered just as he was about to confess he was there also.

Also not sure they would keep the GPS as he wasn't being held on a charge and it was already processed (+ not a murder weapon)...

Thanks Alex

[pauly_the_hitman]

I really got drawn in at the beginning and then just kind of ended wishing for more. Look forward to seeing the finished product some day.
Pauly

[seansshack]

Thanks Pauly.


just kind of ended wishing for more

That was my plan - thanks.

Been pitching this around and might have a producer/director on board....