Ned's Three N's...

[pauly_the_hitman]

http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/picture.php?albumid=27&pictureid=425

[pauly_the_hitman]

Reserved for future ramblings...

[ghalied]

Some good marketing, I can't wait to read your script just to find out what those N's are! I hope I N-joy it! (Sorry about the pun, I couldn't resist)

[seansshack]

Interesting

[pauly_the_hitman]

Some good marketing, I can't wait to read your script just to find out what those N's are! I hope I N-joy it! (Sorry about the pun, I couldn't resist)

No problem I hope you find it N-teresting...

[stinkpot]

I had to drop in and say... your poster is cool as he!!. Yes, I will definitely read your script. I'm sold.

:beer:

[spooky138]

Did you take the photo for this poster yourself? ... And are those mannequin legs or a "real" woman's? They look almost too perfect to be real.

[seansshack]

great poster!

[pauly_the_hitman]

OK I actually got it done and uploaded the day before it was due...YEAH.
Good Luck guys looking forward to reading all of your entries...
Pauly

[jamiejay]

terrific poster!

jamie

[pauly_the_hitman]

terrific poster!

jamie

Thanks.. I hope the story lives up to it..
Pauly

[Mike Manning]

What up Pauly... I just read your script..

Please don't take my comments as a personal attack (though I know it's hard not to be offended by bad reviews) but I want to be honest with my critique because I had a lot of issues with it and I think it's important to not sugar-coat it when the goal is to help you become a better filmmaker.

So lets start with the premise... because, really? Necrophilia? You can't expect your audience to not only identify with you protagonist, but also sympathize with him (two things critical to storytelling) if he's f*cking dead girls at the morgue, commenting on how hot they are, and joking about it with his friends. I mean, it doesn't get much more tasteless than that.

Moving on...

PLOT - this story has no plot. Plot = goal + conflict. What's Ned's goal? What's stopping him? Nothing really, he f*cks some dead girls, tells his back story - twice, and then kills two guys... and then BAM - it's all a dream. You have to have to provide some sort of goal for us to get involved with and root for Ned. Otherwise, why are we watching him?

Dialogue - No one wants to watch guys talk about f*cking dead people, saying 'dude' every other line, and calling each other fags. It's not funny. It just makes us loath the characters. And then, what's with the long monologue about the prostitute? And he repeats it! The entire thing! Verbatim! Show don't tell, man. Though I'm not sure we really want to see him f*cking a prostitute to death, it is a visual medium and flashbacks are better experienced visually.

Anyway, my point is.. if you're going to invest the time in writing a screenplay... make sure it's worthy of your time. Work on real stories with characters who have real desires and obstacles to overcome. Just because it's pulp doesn't mean it has to be bad. And gratuity does have its limits... you will reach a point where you've gone too far... and I think the script crossed a line or two. So yeah man, please don't be upset by my review... I just think you deserved an honest critique.. especially since you're so committed to this site and involve yourself in so many projects.

-M

[pauly_the_hitman]

Thanks Mike I agree with most of what you are saying and I did expect to have quiet a bit of negative feedback on this one. It is actually a running joke that my wife and I have had for a long time and I don't think many people will like it. On the other hand maybe a couple will see it for what it is and realize that a story is just a story.

[ghalied]

Ha Ha, this was some messed up stuff man. The all-in-caps plus some bad spelling and the colour scheme, tied into this almost avant-guarde low level content made this highly original for me. One of those "it's so bad, it might be good" situations. There was some on-the-nose dialogue though that was bad in the wrong way but other than that I couldn't point out anything that doesn't fit in with the wrongness of the piece.

Please don't make this into a movie, I'm already off to the bathroom to wash my eyes out just from the script. Thank you?

[alex whitmer]

Please don't make this into a movie, I'm already off to the bathroom to wash my eyes out just from the script. Thank you?

That's pretty funny. I haven't read this one yet, and now I really want to. Curiosity is killing me!

a

[pauly_the_hitman]

Ha Ha, this was some messed up stuff man. The all-in-caps plus some bad spelling and the colour scheme, tied into this almost avant-guarde low level content made this highly original for me. One of those "it's so bad, it might be good" situations. There was some on-the-nose dialogue though that was bad in the wrong way but other than that I couldn't point out anything that doesn't fit in with the wrongness of the piece.

Please don't make this into a movie, I'm already off to the bathroom to wash my eyes out just from the script. Thank you?

ROFL...Thanks it was supposed to be a very Grindhouse, B-Rated Pulp type shocker...Not to be confused with good writing. I am glad somebody got it. Don't worry I doubt many people would want to see it in film form. Especially me. It would be too creepy to film, of course if for some reason somebody wanted to pay me to make it I am sure I could get past it and make it.
Pauly

[lawriejaffa]

Yeah um i think whenever the reaction to a script is too obvious - in this case 'omg im so offended by this' hehe then you have to stop and remember the word 'pastiche' or irony or something lol.

So this is a running joke with your wife Pauly hehe, this perhaps explains some of the rationale over this script! Anything too idiosyncratic (did i even spell that right) especially a joke between you and your wife is not necessarily going to translate so well in the public domain!!!

Anyway as a script ive got to say my sentiments are similar to those already conveyed, except i dont think protagonists etc need to have this or that to qualify a story (it can be compensated in other areas.) But this script didn't appear to be trying to be taken as a serious entry anyway - more of a hehe affair!

In that case it succeeded cos although sick lol, it was funny from the perspective that i actually sat reading it and analysing it lol when its just a joke really!

Anyway thanks for entering dude ;)

[DarkElastic]

Oh my.... It did make me laugh in places, but it was sooooo wrong.... Good stuff.

[preston]

hey Pauly.. good job; really funny. it didn't offend me at all.. great dialog- very natural sounding and appropriate for the characters.

i did wonder why he told the exact same story twice, word for word. maybe it would have been hilarious for Ned to tell a completely different story the second time... what do you think?

throw a few commas and periods in there and it will read much smoother.

overall- crazy, sick and entertaining. thanks for entering this script.

[david jerome]

Entertaining, Entertaining, Entertaining. And I love to be entertained. I want a Narcoleptic friend. Oh, and did I mention you are a sick man.

great job Pauly

[pauly_the_hitman]

Yeah um i think whenever the reaction to a script is too obvious - in this case 'omg im so offended by this' hehe then you have to stop and remember the word 'pastiche' or irony or something lol.

So this is a running joke with your wife Pauly hehe, this perhaps explains some of the rationale over this script! Anything too idiosyncratic (did i even spell that right) especially a joke between you and your wife is not necessarily going to translate so well in the public domain!!!

Anyway as a script ive got to say my sentiments are similar to those already conveyed, except i dont think protagonists etc need to have this or that to qualify a story (it can be compensated in other areas.) But this script didn't appear to be trying to be taken as a serious entry anyway - more of a hehe affair!

In that case it succeeded cos although sick lol, it was funny from the perspective that i actually sat reading it and analysing it lol when its just a joke really!

Anyway thanks for entering dude ;)

I didn't mean the story was a joke by no means. It started that I actually had a friend that is Narcoleptic and he would just dose in the middle of whatever we were doing. Wake up and start right back where he left off. So this being said one day i told my wife it would be funny if he was a necrophiliac and he would get caught with his pants down so to speak, of course being a nymphomaniac just makes it funnier and all and all I am just a weird guy trying to tell a sick story. Sorry about the double tale. I agree it would have been much funnier if he was also a compulsive liar to boot. Maybe next time. So if you are offended by my little tale of sickness great that is exactly how I would react if I read something like this. And just for the record I am not really all that twisted, I just have a sick sense of humor and love to shock the masses.
Pauly

[preston]

compulsive liars can be pretty funny!

[alex whitmer]

Hey Pauly,

Off the bat, formatting wise this is pretty far off. That's all easy to fix. I think the colored text and caps should be the first to go, then we can jump into the nitty-gritty. That's small potatoes.

Story wise I like the piece. It's not as polished and defined as it should be, but it's a brave adventure for a writer to take.

I did a little research on the subject for a feature I worked on, and discovered necrophelia and bestiality are far more common than folks care to know.

That said, I don't have an issue with sexing dead chicks as subject matter. I think what is missing is a solid plot with a disastrous outcome if certain goals are not met. You hint at it with the girlfriend finding out, but that could be better defined.

I would like to see you develop this. The morgue business is not all roses and lilies.

Morticians dump bodies to save on actual burial costs, then resell the caskets. They steal the jewelry off the bodies just before they close the casket on final viewing day, and I have no doubt some weird perversions go on as well.

Work on your formatting and plot skills, and never be afraid to tell these kinds of stories.

aw

[pauly_the_hitman]

Hey Pauly,

Off the bat, formatting wise this is pretty far off. That's all easy to fix. I think the colored text and caps should be the first to go, then we can jump into the nitty-gritty. That's small potatoes.

Story wise I like the piece. It's not as polished and defined as it should be, but it's a brave adventure for a writer to take.

I did a little research on the subject for a feature I worked on, and discovered necrophelia and bestiality are far more common than folks care to know.

That said, I don't have an issue with sexing dead chicks as subject matter. I think what is missing is a solid plot with a disastrous outcome if certain goals are not met. You hint at it with the girlfriend finding out, but that could be better defined.

I would like to see you develop this. The morgue business is not all roses.

Morticians dump bodies to save on actual burial costs, then resel the caskets. They steal the jewelry off the bodies just before they close the casket on final viewing day, and I have no doubt some wierd perversions go on as well.

Work on your formatting and plot skills, and never be afraid to tell these kinds of stories.

aw

Thanks Alex,
I value your opinion more then most and am glad to hear these comments. I will say once again I really don't consider myself a writer but a story teller and that is my gift. I wanted to send it to you for your opinion before I uploaded it but ran out of time. I will let you read the next one before submission as to get your invaluable insight. I am never afraid to let people know what devious things are rattling around inside my strange little head. As far as the color I used montage and didn't realize it would populate the PDF in color, thats what I get for not checking it first I suppose. And as for the caps not sure how that happened but it all ended up that way and I didn't have time to rewrite the whole thing before I submitted. Thanks for all the great feedback it is greatly appreciated.
Pauly

[Redcloak]

Sometimes you ask yourself whether you're not laughing at something because you have no sense of humour or the joke's not good enough. I think what you say you're trying to do is very very hard. If it's close to the line, you run the risk of crossing it. This one's waving at me from the other side, although that's just my opinion.

Irony, that kind of stuff, twisted humour, I'm all for it. Maybe I'm losing something just in the clarity of the way it's written, but I guess I just didn't see it. I can't fault you for a second for trying though, I have a lot of respect for having had the balls to take it on!

I think a script that gets a reaction is always better than a script that gets ambivalence.

[CallaghanFilms]

Is it outlandish?
Is it ridiculous?
It is absurd?
The answer to the above is "Callaghan's Three Y's"...

But that's okay. I laughed my balls off while reading it because of those very abovementioned reasons.

From the moment I saw the multi-colored format, I asked WTF? A question, I soon saw, would never be answered...only repeated over and over, and over again as I began to read on.

Your unique brand of humor is a gas...but your storytelling skills (in this incarnation at least) may be better suited for a different literary medium (IE short story).



***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"Promise not to bang my mother when she dies."

Also:
Maybe I didn't write it down, or maybe I forgot...
but what is the third "N"? (I got necrophilia and narcolepsy)

Cheers:beer:

[preston]

Also:
Maybe I didn't write it down, or maybe I forgot...
but what is the third "N"? (I got necrophilia and narcolepsy)

nymphomania :)

[CallaghanFilms]

nymphomania :)Gotchahttp://www.geocities.com/chad_callaghan/-emot2.gif

[krestofre]

Sorry Pauly, but this one didn't do anything for me. Thanks for continuing to beat your own drum though. :beer:

[jasonthewho]

That's the most f*cked up screenplay I've ever read.

Congrats!

[themightyshrub]

I'll be honest, it didn't float my boat at all. Reading some of the feedback on here has changed my mind to it slightly - I can almost see where you're coming from now, but I think it could have been FAR better executed.

I won't bang on about the formatting - you already know about it, there's no point in me saying it again, but I would advise on a few commas here and there, it makes it a lot easier to read.

I did find the story a bit objectionable, but I can see why some people would find it amusing. I guess it's all personal taste, but your dialogue needs some serious work. With the exception of "Promise you won't fuck my mother when she dies" (which made me giggle) it was all rather stilted. Everybody talked like a bad stereotype, and all 4 of your main characters seemed to have exactly the same personality and speech patterns. I think situations like this are far better written if you have somebody in each scene who doesn't see the funny side, as opposed to all the characters just going along with everybody else. Did that make sense? Probably not, I think I'm rambling.

Also, I know you've said you kind of wrote it with the intention of it being 'B-Movie Bad', so to speak. The reason those films were 'so bad they're good' was that they were being filmed in all seriousness. The people involved really believed they were working on something great, and that's part of the charm. If you go into something trying to make it 'bad', then I don't think it will work. Just my two cents.

Overall - not my cup of tea, but I think it could be worked on and polished into one of those niche little scripts that most people don't get, but a few think are fabulous!

[themightyshrub]

Wow, it changed the rude word to poo poo. Crazy

[MiataFilmSomething]

I think there are too many roads to travel and avenues to take when commenting on this one, so rather than write a book, I'm just gonna say that I belong in the "It didn't do anything for me" category. The 3 "N" concept is neat, but the execution just wasn't there for me.

[jamiejay]

of course there are elements that could be improved, but -

it was definitely entertaining. it kept me reading. it made me laugh.

the story line crossed many boundaries that others wouldn't dare, and did so in an amusing way.


http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/images/icons/icon10.gif

[GrizzlyGuy]

Pauly, you are one sick mo-fo.

JUST KIDDING - I thought that was a great read! I wasn't offended at all, we're writing pulp fiction, right? Anything goes. Hard to imagine a darker character than Ned. He had the 3 N's and the big M (murderer) for good measure.

I like that you took the risk of going so far into non-PC land. Half your audience could get disgusted and drop the script after just a few pages. But you went for it anyway, and the final result was way-cool. Keep it up man! :beer:

[Chris_Keaton]

I read the whole thing and wasn't offended at all. That was until the end and it turned out to be a dream, argh. Maybe, I'm a sicko, but I really wanted to know where this was going. And the dream ending bugged me. It did throw it into comedy land, but everything leading up to it was so far from comedy that I just couldn't laugh. I guess if I found murder and necrophilia funny I would have enjoyed the ending more. Good job, rarely do short scripts elicit so much emotion.

[seansshack]

First off I would lose the color and concentrate on formatting issues - i.e. slug lines, caps etc.

Story wise it needs work along with dialog but I went through the thread first to see if I had anything new to add and I don't.

Making it all a dream was a good idea. Run with this and polish it up. Maybe set it in the '70's might suit the style/story better.

Keep at it...

[conlanforever]

Can't argue with the fact that its original ;)
I personally wasn't offended by the subject matter. I won't bother commenting on the formatting.
But, in the beginning, just clear up whats actually being seen. We see Ned's a**, but I didn't know he was on a table with a dead chick til later. Just some more description.

A lot of the dialogue sounded stilted, on the nose. While some of it sounded genuine. But telling the story about the dead prostitute was a bit long and then you told it twice. I don't mind the story, maybe just condense it a bit.

The line ...Don't F my Mother made me laugh.


This story was definitely Super Pulpy!

[CallaghanFilms]

Hey, Pauly...

I thought maybe you would have some advice for them:
http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/showthread.php?t=156385

:grin:

[nitramlehcar]

"No one wants to watch guys talk about f*cking dead people, saying 'dude' every other line, and calling each other fags. It's not funny." <--This guy would hate me. I would have to say it was, in fact, quite funny. I love it when someone is ballsy enough to cross those boundaries on here. Too few are willing to do that. It had its problems, but it was entertaining and it was, lord forbid, a departure from the norm. Keep it up!

[lawriejaffa]

lol nitra... so regarding the boundaries, are you saying that Ned's Three N's is to frat comedy what Paulo Passolini's Salo was to arthouse drama!

[nitramlehcar]

No, wouldn't quite go that far.

[Horncastle]

Hi Pauly, everything's been said already pretty much. Put me in the "it didn't do anything for me but didn't shock me either" category. To justify it, I think that if you learnt anything from it, either in writing it or in seeing the reactions (and I expect you did), then you can put it down as experimental writing and that's fine. Though I must say I look forward to your next entry. :D
Jason

[Susanne G.]

Hi Pauly,

Probably my following comments will be not new for you, but forgive me, I didn't read the comments from the other members in your thread.

Here my thoughts:

'Oh, coloured letters' - I started smiling!

'This isn't a normal script, he didn't write this in a serious way, he is kidding us all'.

'How many f*ckings in this script'

'Hmmmhhmm - why he didn't asked one of his brothers to have a look over the script for grammar and spell correction'. (I am sure my English is far away to be perfect, but one thing is the communication in the threads and the other thing to publish a script!).

'I am very pleased - the story didn't start with a private detective'. :)

'Oh, this part amused me a lot - a man who is addicted to make sex with dead women, very funny. :) This reminds me to the story 'GARP' from 'John Irving' - just at the beginning of the story a nurse who worked in a military hospital took care of a patient who had continously orgasms. She knew that he was going to die and decided to make him happy!'

Really Pauly, there are different problems with this story, but it took my attention from the beginning to the end and amused me. I think that you have a lot of fantasy, courage to put a story together for ScriptFest (I didn't put one in) and above all you have talent. You are something like a rough cut diamant! Please try to make also next fest a script! :beer:

Susanne :bath:

[pauly_the_hitman]

Thanks guys yeah I didn't ask for help because I would rather plunge head in and learn on the go then to put something up that I didn't create myself. When it comes to making a film I can ask for all the help I need because it is a collaboration but when submitting something like this I felt as bad as it was it was all mine. I am really trying to develop my style of storytelling and this is a perfect way to do it. I get plenty of feedback and can take it to the bank. So thanks a lot for actually reading my little quip and I hope to entertain you all again the next script fest.
Pauly

[preston]

amen, brother... lookin' forward to it. :Drogar-Evil(DBG):

[Noel Evans]

Pauly, just saw your comment on Candy and am extremely happy!!!!!!!

I just wanted to let you know, as I havent as yet, your in your face, FUA, approach was not lost on me at all. Well done.