Don't Say I Didn't Warn You! [Archive] - DVXuser.com -- The online community for filmmaking

Nektonic

11-17-2008, 06:43 PM

I'm a little worried that everyone is focussing on the gun - you might be a bit disappointed when you read it, the gun hardly appears at all!

I was just being friendly and humorous. Don't worry, no one is going to expect your entire script to be centered on the gun. Now if you had a pink gorilla holding the gun in your poster, then we'd be disappointed if there were not pink gorillas in the story.

themightyshrub

11-18-2008, 03:41 AM

Now if you had a pink gorilla holding the gun in your poster, then we'd be disappointed if there were not pink gorillas in the story.

Good job I changed the poster at the last minute then, or you would all have been mad at me for the distinct lack of pink gorillas! Maybe next time...

seansshack

11-18-2008, 06:05 AM

Welcome.

pauly_the_hitman

11-21-2008, 02:03 PM

Cool love the tag line sounds like a film trailer for sure. Good luck.
Pauly

jefflebowski

11-24-2008, 08:33 PM

Sounds cool. Good luck.

alex whitmer

12-10-2008, 06:23 PM

Another day or two and we'll find out what all this fuss is about.

Guns? Pink Gorillsa?

aw

Horncastle

12-10-2008, 08:33 PM

I look forward to this. If your writing is half as good as your invention of names, it should be fun - I think "themightyshrub" is great.
Jason

themightyshrub

12-11-2008, 06:37 AM

I look forward to this. If your writing is half as good as your invention of names, it should be fun - I think "themightyshrub" is great.
Jason

haha, cheers! It's because my name is Heather. I used to get annoyed that everyone else could look up the meaning of their name and get something like "great leader" or "free like the wind" and all I got was "small purple shrub", so I decided to big myself up a bit :cheesy:

preston

12-11-2008, 08:05 AM

Most excellent!

Welcome to DVXuser and to the fest!

aw

yes, what Alex said.

welcome and good luck. :)

MiataFilmSomething

12-11-2008, 03:20 PM

I like the tag line, it's straightforward and gets your interest.

Noel Evans

12-11-2008, 08:59 PM

Nice job indeed. The story flowed very well, and the VO was really well used.

I guess when I came to the end, questions questions. Ill post them in PM so I dont give anything away for others. PM coming.

DarkElastic

12-12-2008, 03:58 AM

I enjoyed your story. I guessed the twist half way through, but it was written well enough and the characters were good.

CallaghanFilms

12-12-2008, 06:59 AM

My first proper attempt at scriptwriting!:eek:
In that case, your writing future is blindingly bright - to say the least.

I really liked your unique angle to an existing character type.
By this I mean:
Having the detective (who has crawled into a bottle over the dame who left him) end up being the only one the same dame can trust when her new man is killed.

A solid story, that be:beer:

Favorite Line:
"...I'd been thinking of her all night. Hell, who was I kidding, I'd been thinking of her my whole life."

However...

Putting on my "nitpicker" hat, there were a few things that distracted me:

***SPOILER ALERT***
-I am fairly sure "mini bars" did not exist as common practice in 1940's hotels
-I am completely sure "Polaroid"-style instant cameras didn't exist at all (being such a crucial plot point...that is a biggie)

themightyshrub

12-12-2008, 07:47 AM

:eek:

Putting on my "nitpicker" hat, there were a few things that distracted me:

***SPOILER ALERT***
-I am fairly sure "mini bars" did not exist as common practice in 1940's hotels
-I am completely sure "Polaroid"-style instant cameras didn't exist at all (being such a crucial plot point...that is a biggie)

Good point about the mini bars, hadn't thought of that.
However, Polaroids did exist. The "Land Camera" was bought out in 1947, and was the precursor to the modern polaroid camera. Although I did have to do a fair bot of research to find that out, it's not very common knowledge.

Glad you enjoyed it though!

preston

12-12-2008, 08:49 AM

:Drogar-Mark-07(DBG) SPOILERS BELOW :Drogar-Mark-07(DBG)

great script, i really enjoyed it.

one thought - what do you think about this...
if you eliminated this line, it might read better- just because it's totally implied already:

(top of pg. 4)

BARBARA
I know you still have feelings
for me. maybe if you help me, you
might find i've still got those
feelings for you.

that's just my opinion, so no worries. overall, well written and enjoyable. i knew the ending as soon as Barbara read the note!

lawriejaffa

12-12-2008, 10:22 AM

Excellent story Heather, really enjoyed it - one of my favs so far. The characters were compelling and created genuine emotional connections with the reader. The dialogue was clever with several memorable lines. It could also be produced within a reasonable budget (definately let me know if you'd be interested in chatting about producing it!) I certainly think you should *ahem* lossfest.

In anycase, well done, my only suggestions would be to emphasise more a London atmosphere as it felt very New York! Even the names ;) Sam etc. But well done!

seansshack

12-12-2008, 10:40 AM

First thing I would work on is the dialog. Read like a story set in england but written in American voice. I was born in London, grew up in Ireland and work for an American company, so I find it easier to pick out regional talking and slang. So others might no find the same issues with this that I do. But just feel the dialog would better match an American setting.

Story flows well. Characters are well developed. typo of page 3 (get in here anywa) - structure and formatting are solid.

Sort of guessed the ending before I got there. But guess as writers we are hard to trick...

Good job.

CallaghanFilms

12-12-2008, 11:06 AM

...However, Polaroids did exist. The "Land Camera" was bought out in 1947, and was the precursor to the modern polaroid camera. Although I did have to do a fair bot of research to find that out, it's not very common knowledge...

***SPOILER ALERT***

By Polaroid-style I am referring to the front-released instant models that we all know (and that seansshack has in his avatar right above). That type wasn't released till much later. The earliest "instant" cameras weren't all that "instant" (you had to remove the print from a closed compartment in the back after a few minutes.

Again, I know it's a nitpick...but I got the impression that the camera in your script was an "auto-ejector" one. If so, that didn't exist in 1947. If not, I stand corrected and apologize.

Either way, I really enjoyed Don't Say I Didn't Warn You!:beer:

...Sort of guessed the ending before I got there. But guess as writers we are hard to trick...
And we don't like it when we are:evil:

krestofre

12-12-2008, 11:25 AM

I really enjoyed this one. Good story and good writing. As I was reading it I kept thinking that finding that picture in the alley was going to be a million to one shot, but I understand why he had to find it for the finale of the piece.

rfox

12-12-2008, 12:40 PM

Excellent! Your writing has a great sense of humor (er, humour) in it, and I thought the "noir" feel was spot-on.

Redcloak

12-12-2008, 01:34 PM

Very good. Well done!

I'm a Londoner too, and Sam is American no matter which way you spin it. I can just about give you a British location since you specify it, but you've put an 'e' in whiskey for a start (and I'm not buying any Irish angle on that- it would be Scottish for sure). And his first line is pretty much 'Hell, who am I kidding?' and for the way we spoke in 1940, that says American to me. Nitpicking big time as I don't think it matters one way or the other, I enjoyed the script.

A couple of things;

You telegraph the ending a bit with the note, it could be slightly more subtle I think.

He's supposed to be a hot-shot this guy? He doesn't really seem it...

And I hate the title. Sorry.

ghalied

12-12-2008, 01:50 PM

Yep, guessed the ending as soon as I read the note so I'd have tag this as predictable. That's easily fixable though. For me the best scene was the one in the cramped London lift simply because a small lift immediately makes me think of London (I haven't encountered those elsewhere). All in all, I thought the story was well told and thoroughly enjoyable. Well done.

themightyshrub

12-12-2008, 01:56 PM

For those that mentioned it seemed like an American story, even though it was set in the UK - you're so right! I wrote it partly for a university module, which specified it had to be set in the UK, and it didn't occur to me to change it to the USA for this!

themightyshrub

12-12-2008, 01:59 PM

***SPOILER ALERT***

By Polaroid-style I am referring to the front-released instant models that we all know (and that seansshack has in his avatar right above). That type wasn't released till much later. The earliest "instant" cameras weren't all that "instant" (you had to remove the print from a closed compartment in the back after a few minutes.

Oh! I didn't realise they worked differently - the article I read about them just said that the Land camera was the first Polaroid, and it came out in 1947, it never occurred to me that it would work differently.

Thanks for pointing it out - looks like I might have to change the decade!

lawriejaffa

12-12-2008, 02:15 PM

Indeed but honestly whose going to notice - i mean if there more concerned about the type of camera then you've already lost them... For me i didnt even notice and im a history buff - so how many will care?

;) Its good the reviewer pointed it out for reference, but you can easily get away with it. I too have a noir set british film - its just me and you btw!

Mike Manning

12-12-2008, 04:30 PM

Bravo! Saw the end coming... but I didn't care! Perfectly executed and great use of the title!

MiataFilmSomething

12-12-2008, 10:26 PM

Yeah, I saw the ending coming too, but then a part of me just said to myself "shut up and enjoy the script." And I did! Great dialog, good flow, pacing, and a solid story from beginning to end. A great noir that stayed true to the classic format. Kudos!

Susanne G.

12-13-2008, 03:47 PM

I absolutely love the story. Just from the beginning it runs very well and took my attention the whole time to the end. Very enjoyable and above all very clearly structured without confusion! Well done. Until now one of my favourites. :thumbup:

Susanne :bath:

GrizzlyGuy

12-14-2008, 03:22 PM

Nice one! Probably the best of the detective story scripts I've read so far. Good work!

As with all the others I've read, I didn't see the ending coming, so I enjoyed it that much more. I'm starting to think I'm dense. :Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)

I think you said you are writing this for a university class. I usually don't nit-pick the spelling/grammatical errors and typos, but I'll list them out for you, just so you can avoid losing points in the university grading:

================
"What’s worse is I that knew he was" --> "What’s worse is that I knew he was"

"walks slowly over the bar" - Dunno, maybe that is correct British English. Americanized it would probably be "walks slowly down the bar" or "walks over to where Sam is waiting".

"anywa" --> "anyway"

"She was crueller that the Marquis de Saude" --> "She was crueller than the Marquis de Saude"

"are standing next to each" --> "are standing next to each other" (unless what you have is OK in British English)

"don’t say I didn’t waÉ" (strange character at the end)

These all need a period at the end:

"It’s not like that"
"Jimmy stares at her desperately"
"Barbara stands and walks towards the bathroom"
"Barbara hands the note back to Jimmy"
==================

Once again, nice job! :beer:

themightyshrub

12-14-2008, 03:44 PM

Cheers for pointing out the spelling and grammar issues. Most of what you've said isn't British English, it's me not paying attention to what I'm writing!

As for that strange character - I think that's because I wrote it in MS Word, and then imported it into CeltX, which coped fine with most of it, but gave me some odd formatting and characters. I thought I'd got them all, but obviously not!

Horncastle

12-17-2008, 04:31 PM

This was a great read, it got my attention right from the word go. "My liver thinks my throat's been cut" must be one of the best lines in the fest. You have some little slips and detail problems but those have been discussed (my the way its "de Sade", but I'm sure you know that). Unless I'm really dim and I've missed it elsewhere, your dream sequence must be your "flashback"? As I envisaged the character of Barbara, I found it rather unbelievable that she would utter the Lord's Prayer when Jimmy dies. There were a few of these little things but it's all nitpicking - this was up there with the best of them this fest.
Jason

themightyshrub

12-17-2008, 08:33 PM

As I envisaged the character of Barbara, I found it rather unbelievable that she would utter the Lord's Prayer when Jimmy dies.
Jason

I did think that, but I to me, humans are full of contradictions, and I think that sometimes even the least religious people in the world will utter a prayer in a desperate moment, and to somebody like Barbara, the Lords Prayer is probably the only prayer she knows.

conlanforever

12-18-2008, 09:08 AM

I liked this script a lot. You really set a great atmosphere and created a compelling story line and interesting characters. I did see the twist coming about the time of the flashback, but it still works really well.
Great dialogue, loved the "What the hell are doing with my whiskey" made me laugh out loud.
Really good effort. If this is your first real attempt, you've certainly have a future in it.

jamiejay

12-21-2008, 02:25 AM

don't know how i didn't leave a comment for this script already. i really thought i had.

anyway, i really enjoyed your script and i am very impressed that this is your first real attempt! i saw the end coming, but it didn't change the fact that it's well done and an interesting story.

great job! :)

Nektonic

12-21-2008, 11:37 AM

This was a great noir read. You got the style down and I felt transported to your noir world. Some great lines and dialogue as well.

I liked the plot as well. Everything made sense and flowed along at a steady pace. You painted a nice portrait of Sam with his V.O. Barbara is a bit of a bimbo (hey, it's pulpfest, so I'm using it) for not grabbing the picture when she was originally at the murder scene. I suppose you could argue that she was in shock though.

I did see the twist coming a bit before it happened, but not too much so don't fret. Twists are strange buggers because you have to set them up properly to work, yet you can't give too much away either. It's enough to make a person go into an Incredible Hulk rampage. I suppose you could try to conceal the twist a little more, but I can't think of anything off the top of my head.

A minor nitpick. You did this: INT - LOCATION - NIGHT
When you should write it like this: INT. LOCATION - NIGHT
Period after INT / EXT, double space, then your location heading. No biggie, just thought I'd point it out. Anyone feel free to correct me if I am wrong but this is how I've always been taught to do scene headings.

All in all a really great first effort for your first screenplay. If this is your first and you keep this level of quality up, as well as attempt to top yourself, then the sky is the limit. I can only wish my early attempts at writing were this well done.

Good luck and write another one. And after that, another one, etc...................................:thumbsup: