X-Elixir

[GrizzlyGuy]

Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination. :kali: :violent5:


Hello all, this is my first post, and this will be my first screenplay. I couldn't resist the temptation to write some pulp fiction so I came out of lurk mode.

OK, gotta get back to reading the formatting chapter in "The Screenwriter's Bible" and seeing if Final Draft lives up to its billing. :)

[Nektonic]

Good luck. Sounds like a fun story. I'm looking forward to it.

[GrizzlyGuy]

Thanks, Nektonic!

My first draft is done, 10 pages goes by a lot quicker than I expected. The story I wanted to tell is all there, but I'm not happy with the pacing. Too slow in the beginning and rushed at the end. I'll try to correct that in my second draft.

[Nektonic]

Yeah, 10 pages can sometimes be hard to fit things into. My original attempt for the first scriptfest was way too long and had to be scrapped for something completely different. Sounds like you know what to fix though, streamline the opening and make sure there are enough details so that the ending leaves a good whallop.

Can't wait for some old-school style 1940's action. Sounds like your script will deliver it.

[GrizzlyGuy]

Can't wait for some old-school style 1940's action. Sounds like your script will deliver it.

I hope so, I tried to write a story that I thought would be typical of the pulp stories of the late 40's and early 50's. The kind that teenage boys would read and talk about out on the sandlot ball field. Clear distinction between good and evil, heroes with surreal but believable special skills, lots of action, intrigue and treachery, and some cornball adolescent humor thrown in for good measure. Then again, this is my first screenplay so please set your expectations accordingly. :)

I finished my second and likely final draft over the weekend. The pacing is much better than it was before and I was able to add a bit more in the way of character development. But yes, 10 pages now seems real-real short!

[Nektonic]

Sounds good Grizzly. I think you and me are going to have the over-the-top entries of this fest. But hey, it will be fun.

[pauly_the_hitman]

I dig the stories of that time so let us at it. Can't wait to see what you come up with.
Pauly

[lawriejaffa]

Hey I'm the first to review :) Righto!

Spoilers//

Well I have to be honest in that I found this a little too comic book for me (of course its intended as such) but it lacks the more adult comic book qualities that are so popular in the kind of pulp we see (ala sin city) or even tarantino's forthcoming ww2 movie.

As a short script I have to confess that its demands on production value just make it almost impossible for this to ever be produced and perhaps it was my producer brain ticking, but i couldnt help thinking this was a bit like a guy with a box of toys (tanks here, castles there submarines here!)

Overall its a sterling effort though and i did enjoy it overall so well done mate.

[ghalied]

Wow. Your first screenplay? That's brilliant! Probably the ending seemed a bit abrupt but I loved it anyway. Other than that I can't think of anything to add. Well done, it is a splendid effort. If this is your first effort, then you've got a big future ahead of you.

[Redcloak]

Barmy but really fun. Ending sort of had me confused I have to say.

Loved the line about playing football with your feet.

Great over-the-top Yanks rule feel, that made me laugh and yet was painfully on the nose!

[krestofre]

Nice move going for a very different flavor of pulp than what most of us did. The over-the-topness of the script really give it that "help the war effort" flavor and I really liked that. It felt like a bit too much was going on for the length of the script. That much story deserved some more pages, but on the whole I enjoyed it a lot. It was a very nice different flavor in this fest.

I did find it amusing that you describe in your script that Professor Newbury speaks with a British accent. Is there ANY other way for a man with a moustache and monocle to speak? :)

[GrizzlyGuy]

Thanks for all the reviews!

lawriejaffa - Yes, I was shooting for a pulp story seemingly written in the 50's and targeted at teenage boys. Obviously not the audience we have here, but I wanted it to seem authentic. You're right, producing this would take a Spielberg-like budget!

ghalied - Thanks, I write software for a living. It's good to know that someone thinks I at least have a shot at another career if the recession takes out my day job. :)

Redcloak - Glad you enjoyed it. I promise that in my next one (if there is a next one) I'll have the Brits being the heroes instead of the Yanks. I'm in awe of what they did at Blechely Park (cracking the German's encryption system). If someone hasn't made a movie about that yet, one needs to be made.

krestofre - Hah! Yeah, I probably didn't need to mention Newbury's accent. I just wanted to make sure that people understood he was a traitor.

I agree about needing more pages to do it right. I initially envisoned much more, including an opening scene with Newbury meeting with a Celtic monk as he lay on his death bed. The monk would have told the story of the elixir, how it was discovered in ancient Greece and was the secret to Alexander's success, how the Romans got it during their conquest of Greece, etc.

There was also a backstory about Schmidt being Hitler's personal doctor and later being involved in human experimentation within the concentration camps. As it was, the ending was still a bit rushed and confusing as Redcloak pointed out.

Oh well, maybe next time. The first newbie lesson I've learned is that 10 pages is real-real short!

[Redcloak]

Grizz- they did, called Enigma I think. Wasn't very good. Could still do with a decent version.

And they made U-571 about the British Submarine that captured the enemy enigma machine that they used to eventually crack it. Except they made it an American submarine instead so they could cast Matthew McConaughey! Even though America hadn't joined the war at the time...

[seansshack]

Bravo for doing this especially since it's your first. Big budget on show, but with lots of imagination. Well done.

Note: inclusions I would drop as it drags you out of the story and reminds the reader that they are in fact reading - not a good thing. Just do something like:


LEUTNANT KOCH
(German accent)

PROFESSOR NEWBURY
(Posh British accent)


...less distracting.

Dream scene felt a little tagged on (and formatted oddly).

Finally it all ended a bit quickly.

But solid story enjoyed the read. Thanks.

[GrizzlyGuy]

Grizz- they did, called Enigma I think. Wasn't very good. Could still do with a decent version.

And they made U-571 about the British Submarine that captured the enemy enigma machine that they used to eventually crack it. Except they made it an American submarine instead so they could cast Matthew McConaughey! Even though America hadn't joined the war at the time...

I'll have to check out Enigma. Yes, when I first saw U-571 it kind of ticked me off that they had taken so many liberties with the history. I think it was HMS Bulldog that captured the enigma machine before the US had even entered the war as you say.


Note: inclusions I would drop as it drags you out of the story and reminds the reader that they are in fact reading - not a good thing. Just do something like:

LEUTNANT KOCH
(German accent)

PROFESSOR NEWBURY
(Posh British accent)

...less distracting.

Dream scene felt a little tagged on (and formatted oddly).

Finally it all ended a bit quickly.

But solid story enjoyed the read. Thanks.

Thanks for the comment Sean! I'll leave the notes out next time and do as you suggest. Your way is definitely less distracting.

In hindsight, maybe I should have left out the scene in Normandy where Buck and Paul take out the tanks. That would have left more space for the ending to not seem so rushed.

The dream sequence was supposed to be essential in that it gave Buck the secret for killing the SS guys a few years later (stab them with sticks, like in the vampire legends). He had flash backs of that dream just before the final fight.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

[CallaghanFilms]

This was a fun romp through the war. I definitely see your motivation of a "PG13 pulp"...nice take on the subgenre.

I also think your main characters were original...relatively otherwise simple yokels who decide it would be swell to be little Sergeant Yorks.

Did you say this was your first at bat at writing?! If so...bravo, my friend. A bit over the top sure, but you definitely got on base. Keep swingin‘ away :beer:

Favorite Line:
"Hi-de-ho, Heinrich. Forget something?"

[GrizzlyGuy]

This was a fun romp through the war. I definitely see your motivation of a "PG13 pulp"...nice take on the subgenre.

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you got my "PG13 pulp" thing, that's what I was shooting for. Nothing sophisticated enough for Hollywood, but similar to something in a dog-eared 50's pulp magazine that teenage boys would pass around.

Yes, this was my first shot at creative writing since doing essays in high school (more years ago than I choose to admit). In between drafts of this one, I whipped up a 1-pager for the "Less is More" contest over at MoviePoet.com. So I guess this is either my first or second script, depending on whether you count starting or finishing. :grin:

[DarkElastic]

Hi Grizzly, I enjoyed the read, even if it was very all American. The sticks business wasn't very clear for me, there is no description that it is a Vampire in his dream, and there was no relation to the soldiers being like Vampires. If there was something that tied the two together, it would have worked. Other than that, it was fun, if it is budgetly impossible to make. Well done mate :beer:.

[themightyshrub]

This was your first attempt? WOW!!!

I'm a newbie too, and I have to say, you've managed to master a lot of the things that I really had trouble with. Did you get a lot of feedback from other people before you submitted this?

Your action scenes are wonderful, and action is a very tricky thing to get right. You've said you might cut out the scene in Normandy with the tanks, but I wouldn't. Not only was it my favourite scene, but it really sets up the characters well.

Just a couple of things - this first scene seemed a little cliché. The British professor going to the abandoned castle lit by flame torches and reading magical scrolls and all that. I suppose that's not too bad, considering the kind of story you were aiming for, but please - get rid of the manic laughter at the end of the first scene! That just pushed it over from cliché to parody for me.

The dream sequence was written well, but it did seem a bit superfluous. I guess it's there because it was a requirement for the fest, but when you redraft it, I would either cut it out, or make the vampire reference much more obvious, because I totally didn't get it until I read it on here.

The ending did seem a little rushed, but I didn't mind it too much, because I knew it was a short, so it was never going to be able to go into all the detail I wanted it to. If you have the time and the inclination, I would really love to see a full length version of this - I think it's a fantastic story!

[GrizzlyGuy]

Thanks for the feedback!

I let my wife and mom read the script before submitting it, and my mom didn't get the point of the dream sequence either. I probably should have made it, and the later flashback to it, a little more clear as to the kill-em-with-wooden-stakes/sticks technique that I shamelessly borrowed from the Vampire legends.

Yup, Newbury's diabolical laughter was a bit over the top, even for a story that I deliberately wrote to be cornball and cliched for that classic pulp feel. I probably could have left out his stereotypical monacle too.

I'm glad you liked the Normandy scene. That one was the most fun to write. :)

[jamiejay]

nazis are bad enough... but superhuman nazis? flippin awesome.

i really like the indiana jones feel to the story. i didn't mind the evil laughter either because it's kind of expected.

great action, character development, and mood. though it was kind of funny that they had a supernatural elixer and all you had to do to kill them was to stab them with sticks. though i guess that's the same with vampires and it only adds to whole pg-13, cue-the-john-williams-action-music feel. :)

terrific job!

[GrizzlyGuy]

Oh yeah, superhuman Nazis -- humanity's worse nightmare!

I'm glad you liked the story, Jamie.

[Russell Moore]

The most fun I've had reading a script in the fest. I liked the dialogue, Paul and Buck great characters. As previously mentioned, I didn't get the vampire/stick connection.

You write action really well. Overall really good job.

Yams!? Funny.

[Nektonic]

Loved this one. Bravo for going for something different than a detective story. The script flowed really well, and I liked the story. It was a lot of fun and the kind of thing I like to watch and write.

To address some of the criticisms I've seen so far:

Is it a simple story with simple characters? Yes, but that is the point. I got what you were going for with the pulp action adventure-vibe that would be written for teenage boys and early 20's young men. I think this kind of story fits in the Indiana Jones camp. What I mean by that is that too much character development will weigh things down. This kind of story is supposed to have somewhat stock characters. It's all part of the fun. And that is not to say that Buck and Paul are not developed. They are. Their dialogue does reveal something about them. I feel its enough.

Also, the dream sequence with the sticks made total sense to me once Buck and Paul encounter the zombie / vampire Nazis. But I suppose more explanation couldn't hurt either.

You're right grizzly... 10 pages is not a lot of space. You fitted everything in that was necessary though so don't sweat it. You can always expand this, which I think you could do. I'd love to see more of Buck and Paul's war-time adventures.

One thing I did notice was that you did this with your scene headings:

EXT. - LOCATION - DAY

... when you should be presenting it like this:

EXT. LOCATION - DAY

You don't need the extra hyphen after INT. or EXT. A minor nitpick.

This is your first attempt at screenwriting? You've gotta be pullin' our legs, and let me admit, I'm jealous. I thought I had some talent, but even some of my most recent scripts wouldn't qualify as toilet paper, let alone compare to your first attempt. I am not some industry veteran or anything; so my opinion might not mean squat, but I say get your butt into the writer's chair and do some more shorts or even a feature script. If you keep this up from here, I wouldn't be surprised to see your name in the opening credits on the big screen a few years from now.

Good luck and have fun with the writing.

[alex whitmer]

Review of X-Elixir

This …

the conning tower

*Is ‘conning’ a name or a function? It’s not capped so I read it as a function. Sorry, not familiar with military nomenclature.

Page 2

The chest is full of ancient scrolls. Newbury grabs
one, unrolls it, begins to intently read.

*Wouldn’t these scrolls be too brittle to unroll?

Sweet and quick read. Nice military ‘vignette’.

Very cool Indiana feel to it with a little dance macabre thrown in.

My only gripe is the ancient scrolls. Be a great scene to watch them crumble, and now they need to reassembles – hopefully correctly – and maybe the weakness to the wooden stick comes from a mistake in putting it back together.



Anyways, nice ride. Thanks.

aw

[Susanne G.]

Hi GrizzlyGuy,

It seems to me that you tried to make a very complexed and detailed story. This is very impressiv for the first script you did. Compliments! :thumbup:

Here only two points I like to say about your German spelling.

1. Gruppenfuhrer is Gruppenführer - we have the 'Umlauts'! That means, in the German language exist ü, ä, ö and these aren't the same as u, a, o. With the American computer keyboard (Apple Macintosh at least) you can create them with 'Alt' + 'u' and then the u, a or o depend which one you need. I don't know if it is the same with Windows. An alternativ way to write ü, ä, ö is ue, ae, oe. It isn't that nice from the visual point of view, but completely correct from the grammatical point of view.

2. Your 'Ya-vuel' put a amused smiling in my face. I admit that you mean probably 'Jawohl' (meaning: 'yes, that's right'). This word you could find simple in a dictionary! :)

Best wishes

Susanne :bath:

[Horncastle]

This was a very enjoyable and original read and, for a first script, fantastic work indeed. Well done, above all, on getting so much into ten pages and yet keeping it straightforward without confusing the reader.

As far as the dream is concerned, I don't find it superfluous (actually you need it for the final scene), but I think you needed to make a bit more of the stick. Young Buck appears to use the stick simply because it's the only thing at hand. In some way you needed to make it clear that he learned something here. It doesn't necessarily need to be clear at that moment, but when the final scene comes the reader needs to be able to think back with "of course, the stick!"

I wonder also whether you could have given a little more space to the Elixir (I see you originally intended to). Not necessarily historically with the Druid or whatever, but maybe an extra scene during World War II with the mad professor blinded by his discovery and it's possibilities. As you say, there were some scenes (such as the tank action) with Paul and Buck that could have been cut to make room.

Enough of my ideas though - the fact that there are so many possibilities shows that you have invented a fertile world, and the way it is now makes for a fun read. Well done!!
Jason

[GrizzlyGuy]

Thanks for all the nice reviews and feedback, folks!


The most fun I've had reading a script in the fest.

Wow, thanks for the compliment! Maybe Buck and Paul will make a return in a future festival.



This is your first attempt at screenwriting? You've gotta be pullin' our legs, and let me admit, I'm jealous. I thought I had some talent, but even some of my most recent scripts wouldn't qualify as toilet paper, let alone compare to your first attempt. I am not some industry veteran or anything; so my opinion might not mean squat, but I say get your butt into the writer's chair and do some more shorts or even a feature script. If you keep this up from here, I wouldn't be surprised to see your name in the opening credits on the big screen a few years from now.


Thanks Nektonic, that is very encouraging. I have an idea for a feature rolling around in my head (who doesn't, right?) so maybe I'll take a shot at it.

This one flowed rather quickly for me, once I had the story in my head. Maybe 3 hours tops to write the first draft. So, writing something that is 90-120 pages long doesn't see like the huge task I initially envisioned. But writing 90-120 GOOD pages... dunno, doesn't seem possible but maybe I'll give it a whirl. :-)

Thanks for the clarification on the scene heading format, I'll fix that in my next attempt.




*Is ‘conning’ a name or a function? It’s not capped so I read it as a function. Sorry, not familiar with military nomenclature.



Yes Alex, the "conning tower" is the part of the submarine that sticks up from its main body. The main hatch is on its top, and the periscope comes up from it when submerged.

I think you're right about the scrolls, they probably would be too brittle to unroll. I'm glad you and the others picked up on the Indiana Jones feel, I envisioned the initial scenes as being typical of an Indiana Jones movie. But I did leave out his whip... :-)



2. Your 'Ya-vuel' put a amused smiling in my face. I admit that you mean probably 'Jawohl' (meaning: 'yes, that's right'). This word you could find simple in a dictionary! :)


Hah! Good catch Susanne, you are correct! I was envisioning American actors, so I left out the umlaut and did a phonetic spelling on Jawohl. I didn't want the actor to pause at those points and get confused, or pronouce Jawohl as Jay-wall or something like that. Danke!


Enough of my ideas though - the fact that there are so many possibilities shows that you have invented a fertile world, and the way it is now makes for a fun read. Well done!!

Thanks Jason, and there are lots of directions that this story could go. If it wasn't for the 10 page limit, you would have learned more about the X-Elixir, and a lot more about the background of the German characters. For example, Gruppenführer Karl Brandt was a real historical figure (although he wasn't a Gruppenführer). He was Hitler's personal doctor:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karl_Brandt_(Nazi_physician) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karl_Brandt_%28Nazi_physician%29)

Imagine the fun little backstory I could have put together on that one... :huh:

[MiataFilmSomething]

I really liked the beginning of the script. AWESOME setup and descriptions and the flow of it just really sucked me into the story. Good job on the beginning.

The rest of it was really good too, I am just most impressed with the beginning.

This is nitpicky, but Buck and Paul seemed to have the same character traits and personality. I would try to make them a little more different from each other.

Fun read! Have you seen the trailer for that foreign movie coming out about the zombie Nazis? I see this script having the potentential to be that kind of fun pulp style film.

Neat idea and execution!

[GrizzlyGuy]

This is nitpicky, but Buck and Paul seemed to have the same character traits and personality. I would try to make them a little more different from each other.

Fun read! Have you seen the trailer for that foreign movie coming out about the zombie Nazis? I see this script having the potentential to be that kind of fun pulp style film.

Zombie Nazis? No, I haven't heard about that one, but it sounds like a cool flick! :thumbup:

Good point on my characters, they did turn out to be similar.

My initial idea was that Buck would be Buck, but Paul would be this skinny, bespeckled geek guy. He was going to be a 'geek hero' by intercepting/decoding the German communications, thereby learning about the X-elixir. The final scene was supposed to have Paul hotwiring a German tank, Buck/Paul crashing it into the manor, and killing all the SS. Then Paul would run into their radio room and raise a flight of B-17's via Morse code. He'd convince them to divert and bomb the manor, destroying all traces of the X-Elixir.

Oh well, no way I could fit all that into 10 pages so I had to settle with a simple kill-em-with-sticks ending. :-Laugh(DBG):

Thanks for the review!

[MiataFilmSomething]

Check out the trailer!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-KQh87_V2Q