A Taste of Euphoria

[DarkElastic]

1st draft done, now working on the next.

http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e316/DarkElastic/Misc/ATasteofEuphoriacopy.jpg?t=1226966097
Premise:
A body of a business man is found in a passageway, he has been beaten to death. The Inspector will find the perpetrator, because every murder has a witness, its just a matter of making them talk.

[alex whitmer]

Orkney! That's way up there! If I remember, your guys are famous for the Orkney chair, among other things.

Looking forward to reading your script.

aw

[Nektonic]

Euphoria tastes pretty good. Sounds interesting... I'm looking forward to it.

[DarkElastic]

As you can see, I have now added a Teaser poster and premise. The script has had a 2nd draft and is now about to go into its 3rd.

[DarkElastic]

Thank you for your comments. Yes, Orkney is way up the top, but it's famous for a lot more than its chairs!

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there mate! Keep up the good work, missed you earlier - looking forward to this

[Nektonic]

I like the poster and the premise has legs.

[seansshack]

Love the poster.

[DarkElastic]

Thank you seansshack, I thought I'd do one as everyone else seems to be :-)

Good for practising on Photoshop.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Cool poster. I am liking the idea can't wait to read it.
Pauly

[DarkElastic]

Draft 4 compete and script is uploaded... :-)

[jamiejay]

looking forward to reading your script :)

jamie

[DarkElastic]

Thank you. I look forward to the start of the comp now, so I can read all the entries.

[CallaghanFilms]

I like the title...and I really dig the principle leads' names. Bowl-Head and Bry (sounds pre-Swept Away Guy Ritchie.)

Cheers:beer: on that bit of creativity.

The story has potential (I like the reverse perspective of the ne'er-do-well druggies)...
but
I must say that the dialogue felt somewhat uninspired.
As an example: Each of the first 4 lines had an f-bomb dropped in.
Don't get me wrong, I swear like a sailor - and so do my characters (when it flows naturally, that is)...

Frankly, I would love to see this same story revisited and reworked on some level.
As I said, I see real potential in it.

Edited to Add:
Favorite Line:
"It's me, Bowl Head."

[seansshack]

Enjoyed the read but could be a lot better if the dialog was polished some more. Especially the use of "druggy f%$k" - I know you might be trying to nail an accent in the dialog - but I won avoid this where possible. + a lot of F's in there. Which can be fine, but like any repeated words can be a distraction when over used.

Would also edit the character names for police (i.e. police officer) - otherwise it reads like a group of police are talking at once. - only minor. + typos - i.e. INSPECTTOR

Story works well and found it an interesting read and could see if (in my head) as a short film.

[krestofre]

Just as a structural note, your Scene 6 can be cleaned up just by labeling it a POV shot. That way you can really streamline it and remove all of the "We see's." That block of text was a little hard to read through and brought the flow of the script to a halt for me. However, all things considered, I liked that scene and what you were trying to accomplish with it.

***Spoilers***

Storywise it's not a bad setup. I think that having the two characters commit suicide is a bit anticlimactic. Esspecially since Bowl Head is so level headed during his final conversation with Bry. He shows no remorse and actually seems excited that they killed someone, so then to just kill himself seems against character to me. I get that he doesn't want to face the concequences, but for that to work for me he's have to really be freaking out in that last scene instead of trying to figure out a way to escape. Does that make sense? It's like a complete 180 of motivation in a heartbeat.

Also the Inspector's dialog after he finds them is too on the nose. We just saw that happen, he doesn't need to explain it to us in exacting detail.

I agree with the other guys about the cursing. It felt very stiff at the beginning, but actually in scene 7 it flowed pretty well and I could believe it.

My two cents. Thanks for the script!

[pauly_the_hitman]

Bowl Head where did you get that name I love it. I liked the story and it might have used a bit more work on the dialog. Overall it read well. I agree that the POV would have made more sense so we know what is coming. Thanks for the read.
Pauly

[Redcloak]

I got a little lost I'm sorry!

My only criticism is that it feels like it's torn between being the druggies story and the Inspector's. He is the overarching structure, but the narrative seems to favour the other two.

[DarkElastic]

I'll draw you a map:Drogar-Evil(DBG):

[lawriejaffa]

Yeah overall I enjoyed this piece, i think it will make an interesting short film - certainly the perspective is quite unique, and could be quite psychological especailly if 'seen' from the warped perspectives of the drug addicted characters.

In that sense it could be an effective and quite surreal drug related crime story! So well done mate i enjoyed it.

[DarkElastic]

i had an idea just before uploading it - so too late to change it - but I thought of sudden shifts in Bowl Head's positions, to show the damage to Bry's brain.

Thanks for your reviews everyone... I tried to write this as close to real as possible - drug dealers and theifs don't speak properly and nor do the police when addressing them - but obviously its not everyone's cup of tea, which I did expect.

[MiataFilmSomething]

Nothing really new that I can add that hasn't been said before. I got a little lost with the flow, and the dialog seemed off at times. I don't mind too much when there's language in a script, but to over use it makes it lose its effectiveness to be shocking or poignant. The first four sentences of dialog in the whole script each have the F word in them.

Good story line though, and some of the other dialog was true to form and flowed well.

[DarkElastic]

I really don't see how anyone can get lost in this script, besides the bit at the beginning (sound over a black screen), everything else is in time order - A to B. I am surprised!

People are getting really hung up on the swearing, I can see two or three places where I could remove it and it not lose reality - i don't know what you lot want police to say to known druggies/thieves, and what these scum speak like to each other and the police.

I don't really like responding to comments, but I feel I have attempted to comment fairly on other scripts, but don't think i am getting fair responses in reply... I will add some maths in to show how ridiculous these comments are:
Total number of words = 2,366
Total Dialogue words = 486
Total swear words = 23
Total F words = 18 (5 by police and 13 by Bowl Head)
That is 4.7% of all dialogue is swearing and 3.7% of all dialogue is F words. Out of all 23 swear words 79% are F words.

As you can see Bowl Head's character is a fowl mouthed piece of crap and it shows. I hope the mathematics shows how crazy these comments are. Please, something different from future reviews!

[GrizzlyGuy]

Good story! The contrast between the gruff but good Inspector, and the dark and manic Bowl Head, effectively highlights the repercussions of drug abuse. I liked how the story straddled the border between real and surreal. Bry and Bowl Head committing suicide at the end, via a final taste of euphoria, was entirely believable for me. As would a suicide-by-cop final shoot out if you wanted to emphasize their manic evil at the end.

This story would be enthralling as a short film. Maybe it will show up in LossFest?

[Chris_Keaton]

I don't really like responding to comments,

Then don't.

But, seriously, I don't think its really the swear words that are getting people. I think it's the fact that the dialog doesn't seem 'right' and the swear words are just an easy target, but overall the dialog doesn't sound natural. But if you ask me why I'll say it was all those Damm F%&^*g S&*&*^X *^* swear words, ^*&*! :evil:

[DarkElastic]

Good story! The contrast between the gruff but good Inspector, and the dark and manic Bowl Head, effectively highlights the repercussions of drug abuse. I liked how the story straddled the border between real and surreal. Bry and Bowl Head committing suicide at the end, via a final taste of euphoria, was entirely believable for me. As would a suicide-by-cop final shoot out if you wanted to emphasize their manic evil at the end.

This story would be enthralling as a short film. Maybe it will show up in LossFest?

Thanks for the support GrizzlyGuy and I'm glad you enjoyed the read.

[themightyshrub]

I think you're reading too much into what people are saying about the swear words. I agree with the other people that mentioned it, but we aren't saying that there is too much swearing - those kinds of characters DO swear all the time, it's just that because the F word was used 4 times in as many sentences at the start, it doesn't read well. I'm not saying don't swear, but maybe try using different swear words, or just cutting a couple out in that first paragraph, because as a reader, when certain words are repeated a lot within a short period of time it doesn't sound right and it grates.

Also, I think you need to decide whose story it is your telling. For most of the script, it seems to follow the druggies, and I really liked that, but by giving the inspector a voiceover, it makes it seem like the script is his story. If you cut out the inspectors dialogue, it would work just as well, and it would make it much clearer who the story runs around. There's not really much the inspector says in his voiceover that we can't take for granted anyway - as a cop, we can presume that he doesn't like crime, and that he wants justice and stuff like that. The only really important section in his voiceover is when he talks about there always being a witness, even if they don't want to talk. Perhaps you could include that in some dialogue between the inspector and another policeman. Maybe the policeman saying something along the lines of "It's no use, there weren't any witnesses" and the inspector replying with his line about there always being a witness.

One last point, although it is slightly nitpicky, is that you need to work a bit on your style. The first thing (and it's a mistake I made as well) is that you only need to add numbers to scenes if it's a shooting script, which this isn't. As well as this, you've added a lot of direction, which isn't needed in a screenplay. Things like CUT TO: and FADE TO: are the directors choice, not the writers, so you don't need to put them in your script. Like others have said before, you could cut down a lot of your action by specifying POV at the start of your scene - that way you don't have to keep mentioning it. You also need to watch out when writing your action paragraphs. They're a little long, and that makes it heavy to read. For example, your action paragraphs on page 6 really need to be split up into several shorter sections. As a general rule, you should have a new action section for each new piece of action that takes place, or for each new shot that may be needed. So for example, on the third action paragraph on page 6, you should really start a new paragraph after "moves to the door" and "collapsing to the floor". This would split it into 3 sections as opposed to one and make it a lot easier to read.

Like others have said before, I really liked you character names, especially Bowl Head. I particularly like the fact that he has a very distinctive and descriptive name, but there is no explanation as to why he is called Bowl Head. Very pulpy!

Finally - don't take the criticism so hard. You seem REALLY defensive about what people have said they don't like. I understand that it can be annoying when people disagree with your point of view, or how you've written something, but we're not out to have a go at you, we're trying to be constructive and helpful. You don't have to agree with everything people say, but at least take it into consideration.

Overall, I liked the story, I just think it perhaps needs a little more work to polish it up into something really great

[DarkElastic]

Thank you for your comments Shrub. A lot of what people are saying is very constructive and a lot of what you have said is very constructive - I will look to adjust it in the future and take some of these comments on board. But, I will not drop my belief that these characters would F at the times I have placed them. I could remove the opening section over the black, so it isn't so sudden... But swearing will remain for the characters who would say them. That is my belief!
I have been defensive because the swearing is all people have concentrated on in my script, and as I have shown with the help of mathematics, the F words are a very small percentage of my script. I want people to move on and tell me something new, because, as stated above, I will not change my belief...
Once again, thanks for your comments.

[Horncastle]

I quite enjoyed this, although it's a little bit of a rough cut diamond that really needs knocking into shape. The mighty shrub has given you some very good comments, I think. First of all, the "hot" topic, the F word. I shouldn't worry about it. There are people in the UK who really do use it every fourth word. No noun or verb is complete without f.....g attached to it as an adverb or adjective. Writing that into a script, of course, is a different matter, but I'm also not sure there are such hard core swearers in the U.S. and that might be part of the problem for many U.S. readers, though I may be wrong. On a similar note I actually really liked that the police knocked on doors with the same phrase every time: "Open up, you druggy f...ks, before we boot the door in". It has a great rhythm and gave the script a slight sort of modern day Grimms Fairy Tale feel, almost like the big bad wolf saying "...all the better to eat you with". I think your script had this dark, fairy tale, hallucinatory feel to it that I liked, although I also feel more could have been made more of that aspect.

A little more on what I see as problems (or examples thereof):
"2. EXT. LIGHT NIGHT. THE STREET" - As a scene heading this throws me a little. Normal form would be to put "night" and leave the "light" bit to the description that follows. Also I would prefer "A STREET" - "THE STREET" makes me think you are referring to a street I should already know about and has me back-tracking to see if I missed something.

Scene 6 starts "It is night time but every where is over-exposed. A street light burns brightness, throbbing its light into the street." The first part is instruction to the director, the second is repetitive. The whole of this scene is rather long and difficult to get through. It's partly the use of "we", but I also think you are probably trying to describe every single action rather than sketch out the essentials. Keep it short and try leaving things for the viewers imagination to fill in.

Scene 4 is also an example of where you have written every single action. I really feel you could have said this in 2 sentences. The rest could be left to the director.

I think your dialogs are much better than some people are making out, BUT, in some cases you are ruining them by putting a hell of a lot of action between each phrase. If you look at page 6, for example, you have a hefty piece of action between every phrase of dialog. I tried reading the dialog alone all in one go and it's great, but the reader never gets the flow of it because he's interrupted all the time.

OK, that's enough. Please take all I say with a pinch of salt since I'm no expert. And please remember that there are plenty of good sides to your script, but a bit of criticism will hopefully be of use.
Jason

P.S. Just to add that I too loved the name Bowl Head!!

[Noel Evans]

Hey Dark, this piece reminds of a lot of Brit stuff, a bit trainspotters a bit lock stock - and I mean that in a good way. It comes across in your face, and thats what I liked about the films I mentioned.

Some of the writing confused me a little, things like the scene headings, Bowl Heads Corridor, I realise you probably mean like in a block of flats - but it doesnt come across clearly, as doesnt some of the action. Been mention of the POV etc so I wont go further into that or anything else that's been mentioned for that matter.

It does require a spit polish, but I liked where it went.

[DarkElastic]

Thanks everyone, I am taking it all in and I will be making changes. The script definitely needs rewriting in many places, but I am glad we have moved away from blaming those god-damned F-words:)

I will be doing the following to this script for its next draft:

Removing the opening section over black - its not really necessary and throws four F-words too early.
Changing the title headings of each scene to make it better understandable.
Rewriting the script so there is no direction (cuts, directional action, etc). This is a problem because normally my scripts get made by our group... Old habits and all that.
Change and rewrite the dream sequence so it is a POV.
To remove the Inspector's VO I will have to make a new character as his confidant - The Lieutenant! This is who he will speak to so I can keep my summing up and the statement 'There is always a witness.' The inspector will also take on some of the Police action/dialogue.
I will add a climatic ending where there is a face-off between Bowl-Head and The Inspector before their deaths.
I am also going to make Bry's mind more fractured and have Bowl Head's position jumping.

I agree, this is very British and some may struggle with it... But I will not be removing the F-words! :) :thumbup: :) :thumbup:

[Russell Moore]

No problem with the F-bombs here. It looks like you just addressed any suggestions I had about formatting, POV, VO and all that.
I like the idea of a showdown between Bowl Head (great name) and the inspector.

I like the story and how you want ed to tell it. I could see what you were driving at, with the changes you plan on making. It could be really top notch.

[Nektonic]

I think that you nailed the mentality and bizarre world of a drug addict. I really enjoyed the dream / POV sequence. It was very easy to put myself into the POV of the addict remembering this event. I always hear that in spec scripts at least; that we shouldn't use "we see" type of scenes. I don't know why this is, because for your scene, I don't see a better way to show this.

The characters felt very real. Bry and Bowl Head. I get the sense that Bry is maybe a bit conflicted about his lifestyle but is too beaten down by is addiction to do anything about it. I would love to see more about this type of character.

The script flowed well overall. I had a bit of trouble getting into it right away, but after a couple pages it clicked. I don't know why, maybe scripts are just like that sometimes. The set-up is just necessary and once we have enough of it, then things begin to flow for the reader.

The thing that I didn't like about this script was the Inspector. I really feel that you could drop him and just focus more on Bry and Bowl Head, while keeping the police as a more nebulous entity that is always in pursuit. The Inspector and his narration felt a little out of sync with the overall feeling of the rest of things. I visualized the drug addict stuff as a very contemporary set style, while the Inspector felt a bit like an old film noir dude that woke up in the present day. I also feel that the Inspector's closing narration wasn't necessary. It almost deadened the impact of what just happened to Bry and Bowl Head. It wasn't badly written narration, but seemed unnecessary for the ending.

Please don't feel like I'm hammering down on your script, because I really enjoyed it. You wrote in a style that suited the subject matter and your main characters were very interesting. I hope that this was helpful. Write on my friend.

[DarkElastic]

Thank you very much Colan and nektonic, I am glad you enjoyed it... When I rewrite i will remove the focus away from the Inspector, and maybe, because Pulp Fest is over, I can bring the Inspector into now so he matches the time of the druggies... When I am in the mood for this script I will create a 5th draft and place it online for more feedback.
Thank you to all for your reviews. It is much appreciated.

[alex whitmer]

Review of Taste of Euphoria


This …

JUST SOUND OVER A BLACK SCREEN.

It is heard from beyond the door so the Policeman is loud but Bry and Bowl Head are quieter.

*What kind of sound.

*Policeman should be in caps.

*Where are Bry and Bowl Head. I actually read that as a like a pub or something – like meet me at Bry and Bowl Head!

This opening action is pretty clueless as to where we people are and why. I know we have a blacks screen, so maybe leave out any names until we can see them and their locations.

This …

EXT. LIGHT NIGHT. THE STREET

*Not sure what ‘light night’ means. Also, time of day should be at the end of the slugs, and easy to find since they have much to do with budgeting a film.

This …

There is cordoned tape with Police written on it

*This can be cut to ‘Police tape is wrapped …’

This …

police Inspector

*Should be in caps.

This …

A police Inspector crouches over the body of the beaten man.
He is wearing a trench coat and a hat.

*Pronoun confusion. ‘He is wearing …’ I assume belongs to the inspector, but reads like it belongs to the beaten man.

*Then you come back to the beaten man here …

The man on the ground is dead.

*Maybe just say he’s dead in the first place. Complete your intros on one character before moving on to the next.

This …
‘… and leaves the dark passageway.’

Your slug doesn’t say anything about a passageway.

This …

He looks over the scene and at the people who are outside
the cordon

*So, if he left the passageway, how is he looking over the scene?

Page 2

This …

He hasn’t heard anyone approaching.

*His actions will tell us this.

His startled eyes looks up into the Inspector’s

*Typo on ‘looks’. Should be ‘look’.

Pretty funny this …

MAN
I never touched you!

INSPECTOR
Doesn’t matter. My reliable word
against yours... Tell me!

This …

They followed the geeser into …

*This is the first indication as to the man’s age (I associate ‘geezer’ with old man). This needs to be up front when you into him.

Page 3

They kept on
Stamping

*Should be ‘stomping’.

This …

throws him to the side

‘to the side’ can be written as ‘aside’. One word instead of three.

This …

INT. DAY. BOWL HEAD’S CORRIDOR

*Here again, put your time of day at the end of the slug.

Page 4

This …

The door pops, he rips the door open and exits into the sun.

*You would need a new slug here. Same for the following action with the Inspector.

This …

INT. DAY. BOWL HEAD’S HOUSE.

*House or flat?

This …

A police officer comes and stands at the Inspector’s side.

*You can save 4 words here with ‘A police officer joins the Inspector’

This …

We’ve bagged an item of clothing
covered blood, sir,

*Should be ‘covered in blood …’

This …

EXT. LIGHT NIGHT. THE DREAM STREET

It is night time but every where is over-exposed

*Slug says night, so you don’t need to repeat it in the action. Still have no idea what ‘light night’ means.

This …

The person, who’s eyes we are in

*What? Do you mean POV? Also, WE is a quick way to yank your reader out of their solo journey in your story. Who is we?

Page 5

We get nudged off the footpath as the blonde man
nudges us

*We? Us? You’re losing me here.

This …

He collapses onto the dirty, wet floor …

*Floor is for interiors, ground for exteriors.

This …

Bowl Head joins in the viscous onslaught

*Where did Bowl Head come from? Is the blond guy Bowl Head? Are we inside Bry’s eyes? Is this a flashback?

This …

There is a loud sound - bang! bang,

*Is this a car backfiring? A Gun?

Reading ahead, I take it to be the pounding on a door, and the end of a flashback.

Mark your flashbacks with FLASHBACK and END FLASHBACK

Page 6

Bry swings his feet, slowly, off the sofa

Tell us Bry is on the sofa when we first see him in the flat (as opposed to house?)

This …

There stands the wood paneled
door to his flat

*Stands? Also, wood paneled is a compound adjective and should be hyphenated … wood-paneled door.

This …

He looks at the small coffee table before
him and notices the needle, the dessert spoon, the large
table spoon, the bag of brown powder, the tubing and the
lighter spread about it.

*Use ‘A’ when first introducing things. ‘THE’ id for things already established. There are some exceptions like ‘the sky’ and ‘the sun’ – unless you add adjectives like ‘a golden sun’, but otherwise, use A.

This …

BOWL HEAD
(muffled)
It’s me Bowl Head.

*Shoulsd have an (O.C.) here since we cannot see Bowl Head.

This …

Bry holds the wall to stop himself collapsing to the
floor.

*Should be ‘… stop himself from collapsing …’

This …

BOWL HEAD
Fucking idiot! I’ve been stood
there like a fucking moron for
ages!

*Typo. Should be ‘… been standing …’

This …

Bowl Head moves to the sofa and checks the equipment on the
coffee table. He lifts the bag of powder to his eyes. Bry

*Here ‘THE’ is correctly used as the items have already been introduced.

Page 7

Luckily went out for some fags

*UK word. For those who don’t know, a fag is a cigarette.

This …

We gotta go! They must have us on
CCTV or somthin…

*Not sure if that’s a typo or cut-off dialogue.

This …

Bry looks away from Bowl Head to the mirror lent against the wall.

*Past of ‘lean’ is leant or leaned.

Page 8

Bry looks at Bowl Head, wobbling against the wall

*Who is wobbling? Bry or Bowl Head? This reads like it is Bowl Head.

This …

Bry’s head rips around from Bowl Head to stare at the wood panels of the door. Bowl Head stares at it as well.

*Why not just say door? What’s important about the panels? Also, you say ‘panels’ a plural, but have Bowl Head look at ‘it’, a singular.

This …

POLICE
It’s the police. Open up, you
druggy fucks, before we boot the
door in!

*Here again you need (O.S.) for characters heard but not seen.

Page 9

He flecks his fingers a number of times

*Do you mean flexes?

Page 10

This …

INSPECTTOR
(continues)
It effects me personally when a
human being is murdered in cold
blood... And a bit of me dies every
time I can’t bring them to justice.

*I think you mean ‘can’t bring the killers to justice’.

Well, I sorta get the story, but so much confusion in the formatting.

Two guys killed another to get money or drugs, but I honestly can’t tell when, and Bowl head is at one point in the corridor, yet later he’s in the flat, so beats me how he did that – unless it was all some drug trip, which was never clear.

Too many myster character names like man with hat and blonde guy and to know exactly who was who.

Needs a good cleaning up, but certainly had the noir and the pulp elements.

aw

[DarkElastic]

Thank you for your comments Alex. The dream sequence is a look at the past, but through Bry's drugged up state. The Police are at Bowl Head's flat first and then he goes to Bry's home.
I am very glad I put a script into this Fest - whether it was good or not - because I have learnt a hell of a lot about the format of script writing. There is a lot more to it than I thought, and most of these techniques make the script easier to read. I do feel for the guys who are of a higher level in script writing, as my script must have been a hard read when my structure is so wrong. But, my next one will be better!
You live and learn and I have definately learnt. Thank you.