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krestofre
11-13-2008, 04:34 AM
Angelo's Girl

A Jack Callaghan Story

When a private detective takes a case, he finds out that he's protecting the one thing that means something in his life.


Chris

alex whitmer
11-14-2008, 08:55 AM
Looking forward to it, Chris. Your last entry was a great read.

pauly_the_hitman
11-21-2008, 02:09 PM
Waiting for more but still I know it will be good. Can't wait to read it.
Pauly

krestofre
11-21-2008, 02:14 PM
Thanks Pauly. The script it mostly finished, but I want it to be 100% before I post any loglines, or material.

CallaghanFilms
11-22-2008, 04:40 PM
You know I'm quite the fan of your work.

Lookin' forward to this one, pally.:beer:

krestofre
11-23-2008, 08:48 AM
Hey Callaghan! Long time, no talk. I hope I don't disappoint. Angelo's Girl takes place in 1933 and is full of 1930's sensibilities, dialog, and action.

For eveyone else out there, here's a little background: A long time ago (Dramafest) I wrote a script that I hoped to get made, but didn't come to fruition. Callaghan and I are both big fans of classic Hollywood so that script was a hard boiled detective story in the spirit of Bogart. That script was called The Blue Dive, and in my spare time I'm turning it into a feature. So with the connection between CallaghanFilms and myself, I named the main character Jack Callaghan as a sort of inside joke / thank you. CallaghanFilms read over the script and gave it a thumbs up and was fine with the name.

I tell that story because Angelo's Gril is another script involving Jack Callaghan.

seansshack
11-23-2008, 09:50 AM
Sounds like a solid idea/script.

krestofre
12-05-2008, 09:23 AM
For the last several weeks I've had two complete scripts with different takes on the same story. Last night my wife decided which one she liked better, and it was the one I was leaning towards, so that should count for something. One more pass for polish and I'm finished and ready to upload.

Russell Moore
12-06-2008, 12:31 PM
Looking forward to the read Chris, I liked both of your last entries.

krestofre
12-09-2008, 04:55 PM
Uploaded.

Noel Evans
12-09-2008, 04:57 PM
Good job, look forward to reading.

CallaghanFilms
12-11-2008, 06:56 PM
It's hard not to be biased on this one (what with Callaghan and all)...

All the same, Angelo's Girl was a bona fide ride through that period I so adore.

The dialogue was as crisp as it was authentic.

Yours was a true hard-boiled story...but the egg shoulda cooked more than 10 (pages) minutes.

***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"If Lumpy down in the garbage can knows, then it's not much of a secret now is it?"

Very well done:beer:

Oh and give my best to Callaghan

krestofre
12-11-2008, 08:12 PM
I'm honored that you liked it. Jack Callaghan has a bright future ahead of him. The Blue Dive will eventually be a feature length, and the seeds planted in Angelo's Girl will sprout sooner rather than later. :beer:

Noel Evans
12-11-2008, 08:55 PM
A really good read. Dialogue was great.

The only thing for me is the end didnt really feel like an end, I felt there needs to be some kind of closure.

DarkElastic
12-12-2008, 04:04 AM
Very well written, shame it is only a first half of a bigger film. Good stuff.

lawriejaffa
12-12-2008, 09:39 AM
Yep I quite enjoyed this, i'd agree with Noel about the lack of closure with the ending, but on the other hand, the character Jack was really entertaining and overall the story had me absorbed.

I think this will make a very entertaining feature eventually mate - well done with this and good luck on that.

Redcloak
12-13-2008, 02:45 AM
I'd totally agree with the others above about the end, although it doesn't necessarily hold it back.

It's a really nice script, comes to life off the page, makes sense and kept me in it. I think it moves a little too fast for itself, with Carmine coming in, and then a page later he's skipped town and we've been given a slightly tenuous A to B in order to get Jack in the right place for the story. That's really Noirish in itself, but it's quite a brief script so it made it more obvious.

But really liked it.

krestofre
12-13-2008, 09:18 AM
Thanks for all of the comments. I really appreciate it.

I'm a little surprised with the comments on the ending. What is curious for me is that I have another draft of Angelo's Girl that almost got submitted where Angelo actually appears, and we find out what happens to him. It really does wrap the entire story up in 10 pages, but I rejected that draft because it felt too rushed. It felt like a character with the chutzpah of Bobby Angelo (to borrow a yiddish term) to be introduced and taken down in 10 pages was just too unrealistic. I'm wondering how that one would have played because it definitely has the closure that you guys are looking for.

Keep the comments flowing!

Thanks.

Russell Moore
12-13-2008, 03:34 PM
I had fun reading this script. I liked the story overall, it certainly felt like it could be something bigger. Enjoyed the dialogue. I thought you did a good job of making the characters feel real.

I'm a little torn on the ending. On one hand I liked the end with the line, Jack telling them to wait til tomorrow. On the other hand it feel like it lacked a little closure.

Overall I thought it was a really good read.

jefflebowski
12-13-2008, 08:07 PM
Well, I saw the ending a little differently than most, I guess. For me, this conclusion was the solidifying element in the construction on a typical noir film. Dames and crime, that's what it is all about. No lack of closure as far as I'm concerned.

I'v only read a few but this one is peppered with the most typical pulp elements so far. The parlance goes a long way to bring this point home. I enjoyed reading the story and it is written in a way which throws the reader into the world of Jack.

The only hole for me is what is Jack's present/past relationship with Viv. She starts off with wanting to slap him and by the end they are spending the night together. Perhaps a but more history here would help clarify. Also, did I totally miss the dream sequence?
Peter

seansshack
12-14-2008, 04:24 AM
Really enjoyed this. Solid storytelling. I really liked the ending. Worked for me and was happy with how it concluded. Does give the suggestion of something bigger - but fine with that as I want to read more.

Structure and formatting are all fine - although I would put VO beside the character names rather than below.

Characters are well developed and dialog is top notch and matches the pulp theme to perfection - all characters had individual/unique voices.

In all nice story, drew me in and kept me interested. Bigger story in here waiting to get out (I think).

Good luck.

krestofre
12-14-2008, 09:57 AM
Thanks for the continued comments everyone!

Peter, the script begins with a dream sequence. Everything in Rocko's bar is a dream and then Jack wakes up in his car outside the Grand Hotel implying that he fell asleep during the stakeout.

Thanks for reading!

GrizzlyGuy
12-14-2008, 12:56 PM
Nice work, that was a very enjoyable read. The characters and their dialog fit perfectly for the period the story was set in. That alone immersed me.

The ending was good given that you explained that this is to be just a part of a larger feature script. The alternate ending you described might have been better to make this story self-contained. But yes, the 10-page limit would have forced it to be rushed, given all that was going on.



Peter, the script begins with a dream sequence. Everything in Rocko's bar is a dream and then Jack wakes up in his car outside the Grand Hotel implying that he fell asleep during the stakeout.

I also missed that the beginning was a dream sequence, probably because I must have a wrong idea about what a dream sequence is. In your case it seems to be a literal recounting of events that are critical to the story. I've been thinking of dream sequences as being a non-literal interlude, more like how people actually dream, possibly introducing insights or just more entertainment into the story. I also thought they had to be called out with "DREAM", such as:

INT. ROCKO’S BAR - DAY - JACK'S DREAM

I haven't seen that specificity in any scripts but mine, so I must have understood that wrong (got that idea from what I read in 'The Screenwriter's Bible').

Anyway, I can't wait until The Blue Dive hits the silver screen to learn more about Jack Callaghan's bright future! :)

Brandon Rice
12-14-2008, 01:12 PM
Great script. This is so far the most easy to follow one I've read, and I liked it. The dialog was good... It had good tension...

One problem I had is I didn't feel it had an ending... we never really find out what happens at the trial, and that to me seems to be the main thrust of the plot.

themightyshrub
12-14-2008, 05:36 PM
I agree with the other guys about the ending. I can see how that's a really nice way of finishing it if you have the intention of carrying it on, but as a self contained story it was a bit of an anticlimax.

I also don't think the first scene counts as a dream sequence. There's no indication that it's a dream, and there is no need for it to be. The script reads as a cronological story that starts in the bar, then moves to the hotel a few days later.

Fantastic dialogue though. The banter between Jack and Viv was fantastic! Favourite lines - "Oh you bought me a present! / Sorry I didn't have time to wrap it"

krestofre
12-14-2008, 07:09 PM
we never really find out what happens at the trial, and that to me seems to be the main thrust of the plot.

Hm ... that's an interesting comment. In my mind the thrust of the plot was protecting Vivian. It's interesting that you latched on to the trial so strongly.

Thanks for the last round of comments guys!

Horncastle
12-14-2008, 07:43 PM
A really good linear story, easy to follow, keeps you involved, great dialogue. My criticisms are those already mentioned - the ending and the dream sequence that I didn't realise was one until I read it here. Nothing much to add. Good work.
Jason

krestofre
12-14-2008, 08:28 PM
Think about it visually. We're watching the events at Rocko's bar. Carmine says "Jack, it's Viv." Then wham! Hard cut to Jack waking up in his car, shaken by the events that he lived and have been haunting him in his dreams. Jack even says something to the effect of he can't stop dreaming of the conversation with Carmine.

To me it seemed a very fluid way to include a dream sequence into the script and make good use of the pages by communicating plot and character information at the same time.

If I'm wrong, it's not the first time, but that's my case.

Horncastle
12-14-2008, 08:47 PM
Think about it visually. We're watching the events at Rocko's bar. Carmine says "Jack, it's Viv." Then wham! Hard cut to Jack waking up in his car, shaken by the events that he lived and have been haunting him in his dreams. Jack even says something to the effect of he can't stop dreaming of the conversation with Carmine.

To me it seemed a very fluid way to include a dream sequence into the script and make good use of the pages by communicating plot and character information at the same time.

If I'm wrong, it's not the first time, but that's my case.

Yes, definitely, going back and re-reading you realize it's a dream. Above all, as you say, because Jack says he can't stop dreaming in his V.O.. But it could just as well not be a dream too, the script would work just the same - just leave out that comment in the V.O. When it comes down to it I don't think it really matters - the script works well and that's what's important.
Jason

alex whitmer
12-16-2008, 09:49 AM
Page 2

Great line …

JACK
OK Joey, good one, now I’ve got a
marriage to break up.

Typo here …

I’m not proud of it Jack, but you
work cases like mine for as long as
I have and for what?

Should be ‘worked’ or ‘have worked’

Page 4

Another greatline …

The guy likes knives. I hate knives.

Little confusion on INT/EXT for the car scene with Jack.

And this …

Jack Callaghan. I’d slap you if that wasn’t so cliché.

Golden!

Another good line ...


VIVIAN
Oh no! That’s between me, the
D.A., Angelo, and a jury of
Angelo’s peers.

Real good story, Chris. Really has a nice mix of old fashioned noir and some pulpy pulp. All great characters, easy to relate to and like. You build up a nice antagonist without every introducing him in the flesh.

I had to read a few times to pick up the subtlty of the dream as well. Could be read a few ways, but nonetheless, great job with the dream.





aw

krestofre
12-16-2008, 11:19 AM
Typo here …

I’m not proud of it Jack, but you
work cases like mine for as long as
I have and for what?

Should be ‘worked’ or ‘have worked’


Thanks for your review Alex, I really appreciate it. On the above, it is a typo, but it was an intentional one in Carmine's speech.

Thanks again!

preston
12-16-2008, 11:53 PM
hey Chris... i just read your script and then through this thread, and it looks like most everything's been covered. good writing, good story, entertaining. i apologize for the short review, but it's waaay past my bedtime already. i'm going to re-read tomorrow, maybe i'll leave another comment if something catches my eye. thanks for entering. :)

Susanne G.
12-19-2008, 05:47 PM
For the genre - Mafia in the 30's - it seems to me a well written story. You visualized very well the characters, so it was easy to enter in the story. It took my attetion the whole time, because the story also flows well. Above all very enjoyable. :)

Susanne :bath:

jamiejay
12-21-2008, 12:47 AM
sorry it's taken me so long to review your script.

i really liked it. great mood and story line. i think using the dream sequence to help tell the story is clever, but i can see why others might have issue with it. also, it would be nice to have some closure on the trial, but if the rescue of viv is the main focus, then i think the ending is sufficient.

nice work! :)

Nektonic
12-21-2008, 12:34 PM
I liked this one a lot. The character of Jack Callaghan is well developed. So much so that I was a bit bummed that you didn't pack in more stuff for him to do and ended at the top of page 8. I get the feeling that Callaghan can kick some ass. I'd love to see him get into a shootout or a car chase.

The ending still worked for me though, even if it is a bit anticlimactic, so no problem. I got the idea that Jack's goal was to save Viv. Enough for a short script.

I can't think of anything that didn't really work for me. I had a good time with this case. I'd like to see more from Jack in the future.

A minor nitpick -- you put the voice over indication in the parentheticals and not next to the name of the character. Shouldn't it be next to the character or is it okay to do either as long as you are consistent?

krestofre
12-21-2008, 03:30 PM
Thanks for the feedback everyone!

Nektonic, I was taught that VO goes in a paranthetical. I have seen produced screenplays using both methods, so until someone paying six figures for one of my scripts tells me to put it with the character name, I'll stick with parantheticals. :)