Candy - Noel Evans

[Noel Evans]

See new signature.

[Brandon Rice]

Cool! Now I don't feel as out of place!

[Noel Evans]

Seem Pulp enough? :P

[Brandon Rice]

Indeed :) Love the banner

[AmyO]

Saw your banner in another thread, so I thought I'd come check this out. Can't wait to read the script. I love to see more female action protagonists! Thinking of writing an action short with a female lead, myself (though, maybe not for Scriptfest, but we'll see).

[Noel Evans]

Ohh thanks Amy. This script is a very very simple and fairly linear.

[alex whitmer]

Hey Noel. really enjoyed your Sci Fi entry (Days of Reckoning). I'll be on the look out for this one.


aw

[Nektonic]

This script is a very very simple and fairly linear.

Personally I feel that simple and linear is the best thing to do, especially for a short film or script. So definitely not a bad thing at all.

[Noel Evans]

Cheers guys, thanks for stopping by.

[lawriejaffa]

Hey we all like Candy! mmm

[seansshack]

Looking forward to it.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Right on loving the idea and loves me some candy so I won't miss this one.
Pauly

[Noel Evans]

Im pretty much done on the version Im happy with now.

[Russell Moore]

Noel, I love the banner, the title and the tagline. Can't wait to read it.

[Noel Evans]

Noel, I love the banner, the title and the tagline. Can't wait to read it.

Thanks so much.

Well as usual my linear script has become nonlinear.

[jamiejay]

love the poster! :)

jamie

[Noel Evans]

Thanks Jamie. Mines in. Couldnt wait for my last review, but no matter.

I did however manage to make it more linear.

[Horncastle]

Glad you got it in on time - I look forward to reading it.
Jason

[jamiejay]

thanks noel. i'm looking forward to reading your script and i appreciate the kind words. :)

jamie

[preston]

nice poster... kinda feels like the Kill Bill or Grindhouse/Planet Terror imagery.

good luck! :beer:

[MiataFilmSomething]

I already have a vision of what I'm imagining this to look like, but I'm going to wait until I read it and see if I'm right. Looks pretty cool!

[Noel Evans]

Hehe, I dont think it will really be what anyone expects. I think the poster really only fits one scene.

[Nektonic]

Hehe, I dont think it will really be what anyone expects. I think the poster really only fits one scene.

So there isn't a big shootout with hot chicks firing off Tommy guns? Darn Noel, you just ruined my Christmas:crybaby:

[Noel Evans]

Hey, I said nothing about there not being a shoot out. :P

[krestofre]

Good script over all. Lots of nice action pieces. Good characters. We simultaneously think that Candy is the baddest mofo chick on the planet, but also see her as a sympathetic character, which is tricky to pull off.

***Spoilers***

The only part that troubled me was that she left the apartment with her brother at the mercy of the thugs. That didn't seem like her character at all. Changing that would alter the rest of the script significantly, but as a reader that troubled me. Candy seems like the kind of person who would have figured out a way to get both of them out, or die trying.

[Mike Manning]

I agree... I was confused why she found it sufficient to lay him behind the couch while she went and locked herself in the bathroom and escape...

I feel like there could have been a better way to have James kidnapped so that Candy had more to do in that scenario then run and hide... and crash at a motel for the night.

In fact, now that I think about it more... I think a lot of her actions in the middle are unmotivated/confusing. Like, where is she going when she loads her gun and leaves James? And like, she steps out side... gets knocked out... and then they bring her back upstairs... it feels like there could have been something more dynamic going on there.

[Noel Evans]

Thanks for reading and giving your thoughts.

[CallaghanFilms]

I really dug it, Noel. Well played:beer:

I swear I though I was reading a lost scene from Sin City (¬¬compliment).

***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"You sound like a duck that met another duck and shoved the other duck up its arse. poo pooin painful."

I also plotzed over this bit of Action:
"The spittle now runs red" (very nicely said.)

[Noel Evans]

I really dug it, Noel. Well played:beer:

I swear I though I was reading a lost scene from Sin City (¬¬compliment).

***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"You sound like a duck that met another duck and shoved the other duck up its arse. poo pooin painful."

I also plotzed over this bit of Action:
"The spittle now runs red" (very nicely said.)

Awesome mate. Really glad you liked it and thanks for the HUGE compliment.

[DarkElastic]

Well done, good script well written. I agree some actions aren't with her character, but I would argue they are more real, as she needed to get out to fight another day, the only way revenge would be had. Good stuff.
Gets slightly confucing when she is talking and they are still discussing the guitar playing and I got slightly confused with which thug was where when one got kicked in the nads!

[Noel Evans]

but I would argue they are more real, as she needed to get out to fight another day, the only way revenge would be had. Good stuff.

Thats exactly as I saw it.



I got slightly confused with which thug was where when one got kicked in the nads!

Hope you dont mind when I say Im not so worried about that. Whilst I see where you coming from, if you play that component out exactly as written, talking about shooting - it should work neatly.

Thanks for reading. And for the the kind words.

[MiataFilmSomething]

It wasn't what I thought it would be, but I still liked it. Kinda sad at the end though. I would have liked to see her take some bloody satisfaction more.

From the poster and tagline I imagined a Grindhouse 70' s sexplotation type feel, with lots of skin and machine guns. Candy to me seemed almost like she was gonna be a super hero, grabbing her two uzis in hand and yelling, "Jump back, suka jack!"

I did like seeing both her ferocious and caring side though, it made a good completed character.

[lawriejaffa]

Yep that was good i quite enjoyed the action scenes, the revenge plot, the character Candy and the amusing exchange between the thugs.

//Spoilers//
I think it did seem a teeny bit out of step for her to abandon the bro but then like DarkElastic said, its more realistic she would try to do that - and if the film produced from thie script was directed in that style (more realistic) then i think it would work just fine. While if it was comic book (so that we assume our hero is in control more or less) it would perhaps speak too negatively of her 'character'.

The ending was a bit bleak and may not be necessary - after all Candy could make a nice series!

[CallaghanFilms]

...rock on and don't forget to check out Red Rope!http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/6548/1224865528.gif:evil:

[seansshack]

Excellent Pulp style start but felt it needed a voice over (in initial scenes) to half nail the style even more.

Loved the line on page 2: "You sound like a duck that met another duck and shoved the other duck up its arse...." - made me laugh.

Not a fan of the ending. Beautifully written and told, just a bit out of whack with the rest of the story. But because of how well you wrote it, I seemed to visualize it as a comic book story.

Overall good work and enjoyed the read. Thanks.

[lawriejaffa]

lol Awe come on Callaghan give me a break I loved Candy its not like i just popped in and said

Good script. Now buy my new series of exotic glow in the dark sex toys lol - Though that would be nice! Ammended comment to remove SHAMELESS evil plug! I also just wanted to hear a review in particular from Noel lol.

[Noel Evans]

Cheers guys, thanks for reading. jaffa man cant wait to read yours. Kids are keeping me a bit busy this weekend :P.

[lawriejaffa]

Hehe cheers man - but rock on bro you did good with yours - are you thinking of producing it for Lossfest? You know you must!

[Susanne G.]

I like the rhythm of the story and really love the dream part. From the beginning to the end it tooks my attention. The only thing is that I felt the main character a little weak for a woman who did a revenge or perhaps you didn't describe her enough - I don't have really an idea of her personality. The end I felt very theatrical and reminds me to Shakespear! Above all a very enjoyable script. Thanks! :thumbup:

Susanne :bath:

[Russell Moore]

I like Candy ;)

I liked the tone that you set throughout the script. I loved the opening scene, who doesn't like a beautiful woman with a sub machine gun?

The relationship between her and her brother really did a good job of revealing character. I loved the banter between the two thugs.

I was a little thrown by her leaving her brother, but I can understand the 'run away and live to fight another day" explaination.

I like how it all came back around with vinchenzo. I was fine with the tragic ending.
Good work!

[Noel Evans]

Cheers Susanne, really appreciate you reading it and commenting. Also very glad you enjoyed it.

[GrizzlyGuy]

Good script and story. I liked how you jumped right into the shoot-em-up action in the first scene.

Like the other commenters, I was a little surprised that she left her brother behind in the apartment. I expected her to come bursting back in through the door of the bathroom and gun down the thugs (or something like that).

The ending was great, I just wish it wasn't so sad. Was hoping that one of them would make it out alive. :crybaby:

One minor nit: I doubt that a .44 Magnum would fit inside a Toyota's glove box. That's a real big handgun. Then again, Candy probably knew that and had modified her glove box accordingly. :happy:

[Noel Evans]

One minor nit: I doubt that a .44 Magnum would fit inside a Toyota's glove box. That's a real big handgun. Then again, Candy probably knew that and had modified her glove box accordingly. :happy:

HAHA exactly - shes got it sorted :P

[Horncastle]

Good story, well written. My main comments have already been made by others (leaving the brother and everyone being killed off at the end). I really liked the dream sequence, it was well put across and set up the whole situation very well. One little correction, in case you're going to show it to others: it should be "dining chair" (pages 2 & 4). Well done, I enjoyed it.
Jason

[Noel Evans]

it should be "dining chair" (pages 2 & 4). Well done, I enjoyed it.
Jason

Oh crap, good pick up. Thanks for that.

Glad you liked it as well.

[Noel Evans]

Couple of comments on the END in regards to them both dying, so Ill throw my rationale out there.

At an early age Candy's parents are both killed, her brother put into a vegetive state and she witnessed it all and then Vincenzzo does god only knows to her - all from my dream sequence.

Candy would have spent a life post that event in turmoil - well thankfully I cant imagine what her life would be like. Her brother is no longer the brother she knew, but he's all she's got - he is her world.

So when she kills Vincenzzo, but her brother is lying there dead but smiling - because a vegetive person doesnt smile, at this moment Candy sees this peace within her brother causing her to pause, this gives the sniper enough time to take her down. And when we see, as death takes her, she too finds the same thing as her brother.

She's exacted her revenge, her tasks are fulfilled. In death, theres no more pain.

I wrote this to be a complete story.

[CallaghanFilms]

...So when she kills Vincenzzo, but her brother is lying there dead but smiling - because a vegetive person doesnt smile, at this moment Candy sees this peace within her brother causing her to pause, this gives the sniper enough time to take her down. And when we see, as death takes her, she too finds the same thing as her brother.

She's exacted her revenge, her tasks are fulfilled. In death, theres no more pain.

I wrote this to be a complete story.I caught that with your ending - and thought it quite the fulfilling close.

It reminded me of an A.I. ending (which ain't a bad thing to say the least).

[Horncastle]

Couple of comments on the END in regards to them both dying, so Ill throw my rationale out there.

At an early age Candy's parents are both killed, her brother put into a vegetive state and she witnessed it all and then Vincenzzo does god only knows to her - all from my dream sequence.

Candy would have spent a life post that event in turmoil - well thankfully I cant imagine what her life would be like. Her brother is no longer the brother she knew, but he's all she's got - he is her world.

So when she kills Vincenzzo, but her brother is lying there dead but smiling - because a vegetive person doesnt smile, at this moment Candy sees this peace within her brother causing her to pause, this gives the sniper enough time to take her down. And when we see, as death takes her, she too finds the same thing as her brother.

She's exacted her revenge, her tasks are fulfilled. In death, theres no more pain.

I wrote this to be a complete story.

Yes, it makes sense - I can see the rationale in that.

One other little detail I forgot to mention earlier: the Italian name is normally spelt "Vincenzo" with one "z". I actually looked up Vincenzzo (2 z's) on Google and I see it does exist but it's seems much rarer and generally a last name. I don't know if you spelt it with two for a particular reason, but as someone who lived in Italy many years, the difference did hit me so i thought I'd let you know.
Jason

[jamiejay]

I like a good revenge plot... especially with a kick-ass female. The brother-sister relationship established a much-needed softer side to Candy and supported her motivations. I think the ending provided a sense of closure. You could tell that she was satisfied and that she had accomplished her goal and now her entire family would be reunited again. Good work. :)

[themightyshrub]

I really really loved this script. Unlike a lot of the others, it was a complete story, and I loved the ending, as it bought everything to a close perfectly.

There's just one thing I picked up on that hasn't been mentioned so far in this thread. At the end, I was REALLY confused about who Frank was. I then re-read it, and realised that he was both the man at the beginning, and the man who shot her mother in the flashback. Makes perfect sense, except that at no point in the script is his name actually mentioned in any dialogue, until the end. I think this is what caught me out a little, and if this was produced, I think it would confuse viewers even more - they can't see the character names on the script. It's a small gripe, but it might be worth putting his name in some dialogue in the flashback, just to make it clear that this is the man Vinchenzzo is talking about at the end.

To be honest, that was my only criticism, and it's pretty small. Definitely one of the best in the fest

[alex whitmer]

Review of Candy

This …

mysterious eyes and hair

*Mysterious hair?

This …

The apartment is warm and cozy. It consists of a
living/bedroom room with a kitchenette attached and the
bathroom off to the side

*Also know as studio apartment. You can save all that explanation.

INT. STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT

Warm and cozy. The bathroom door is open. Candy fixes her hair. James, 26 …………

This …

Candy’s 26 year old brother

*How do we know it’s her brother? She could be babysitting.

This …

… further down the street

*Some authorities (like the Associated Press) insist on “farther” to refer to physical distance and on “further” to refer to an extent of time or degree, but others treat the two words as interchangeable except for insisting on “further” for “in addition,” and “moreover.” You’ll always be safe in making the distinction; some people get really testy about this.

This explanation courtesy of this fantastic site …

http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/errors.html#errors (http://www.wsu.edu/%7Ebrians/errors/errors.html#errors)

Page 2

Both Italians.

*I’d mention that when you first intro them.

Actually …

In the kitchenette are two THUGS. Both about thirty and both dressed in black suits like clichés from a gangster movie. One sits on a chair at the table and sips coffee. He’s a thin man adorned with gold. The other sits on the edge of the table. He strums on a guitar. He’s overweight and has a moustache. A pistol rests on the table beside him. Both Italians.

*… can be trimmed to something like this …

In the kitchenette, two clichés left over from a gangster film: THIN THUG, 30s, Italian and dressed in a black suit and adorned in gold, sits at the table and sips coffee. LARGE THUG, 30s, Italian and also in a black suit, sits on the table’s edge and strums a guitar. A pistol rests on the table between them.

*69 words down to 59!

*Introduce your characters the way they will be referred to in the character heading and by other characters.

*Lastly, break the chunk of text up …

In the kitchenette, two clichés left over from a gangster film: THIN THUG, 30s, Italian and dressed in a black suit and adorned in gold, sits at the table and sips coffee.

LARGE THUG, 30s, Italian and also in a black suit, sits on the table’s edge and strums a guitar. A pistol rests on the table between them.

Like that. Makes it far more edible.

Page 3

Thin Thug eyes catch something

*Need a possessive here. Thin Thug’s eyes …

This …

He taps his partner

*I assume you mean Thin Thug?

This …

and points to her

*So the ‘something’ was Candy. Say Candy so it’s clear.

… and points to Candy.

Bottom of page four is one big block of text. Shoot for three lines, four max, five if you just gotta.

Page 5

manhole in the ceiling

*Manhole? In an apartment? Maybe skylight.

*Okay, so the ‘loving sister’ left her defenceless brother with the thugs?

This …

CANDY
(V.O.)
Gotta rest. Gotta get my head
right.

(V.O.) belongs to the right of the character heading.

Page 6

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE AFTERNOON

I take it this is the flashback. Use FLASHBACK to start the scene/sequences.

This …

The parents look and smile at each other.

Stick to names. Let the action/dialogue show us who they are.

Page 9

Her right side falls

*Only her right side? Weird.

Page 10

James on the edge of the driveway, arms by his side. In his
right hand, the 44. His eyes look out somewhere into the
night.

*What? How did he get the 44? Vincenzzo released it. Nothing about him tossing it.

This …

A bullet flies past her head.

No bullets fired while she was running? Where was this sniper when James was getting the 44? You mentioned a man in silhouette. Man is he fired!

Well, a sad story, but touching and well told. Some inconsistencies that set all this up. I still don’t get why Candy left her brother behind other than some trauma she simply couldn’t shake and it messed with her reason and logic.

But I am guessing she got her revenge, and that’s what she came for.

Nice story. Thanks for sharing it.

a

[Nektonic]

Noel, I really enjoyed Candy. This script was action packed. That Candy, she really knows how to kick some. I was wondering if her last name was Kane? Maybe Candace Kane, and Candy for her street name.

Revenge stories are hard because they've been done so many times but if you can put an original stamp and style on the basic formula, then you will connect with a wide audience. I think you did that with this story.

My only suggestion would be to give this some breathing room in terms of some of the pacing. At times it felt a little to fast paced. Then again maybe I'm just getting old. You got everything in in 10 pages and maybe that is some of the reason. So I wouldn't dock points for that.

Also, it would be nice to have a little more development of the father/mayor's antagonistic relationship with the crime bosses. I understood what you were going for and what the crime bosses motivations were. Even though it is not the main plot, it would be nice to see that backstory developed a little bit more because it is interesting.

And this is just a suggestion. When Candy goes to take out the crime boss, instead of just driving up and getting out of her car to shoot the two goons; I think it would be neat and more believable if she speed towards them with her Toyota. The thugs maybe get off a few rounds before she plows into them with the car, maybe then smashing into the side of the mafioso's mansion or going through the front gate. Then she could get out and shoot up the place. So maybe pump some more action into the finale if you decide to expand the length of this.

A solid adrenaline pumping read. Very visual and would be great to see produced. I see this as being very vivid and colorful for some reason, but still with some grittiness and darkness as well.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Great story I was drawn in immediately and loved the relational closeness that Candy had with James. Good job.
Pauly

[preston]

:thumbsup:
congrats!

[Noel Evans]

Dragging up old threads. Ill be looking to all this solid advice and feedback should the next fest be revengefest. Candy straight up for me would be the perfect candidate. Ive never shot a piece like this - and its time to get serious on the narrative side of life. Not that I dont like what I shoot in my day job, but thats not why I got into this.