"Hair-trigger"

[Brandon Rice]

Scriptfest III



A Moment. A Life.

[Noel Evans]

Cmon Rice man wheres your banner.

[Brandon Rice]

Sorry... no banner for my script :) got a little tag though.

[Nektonic]

I like the title. Is this going to have a good dose of action? Maybe a gangster story?

[Brandon Rice]

It certainly intersects some crime sectors... and yeah, it's got a fair bit of action, I'd say :)

[Nektonic]

Action is good. I'll have to make sure I pee before I read this so I don't get too excited.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Cool tag line man...I hope it is as good as I think it will be.
Pauly

[Brandon Rice]

Finished draft 3 this morning

[Brandon Rice]

After playing around with some different ideas on this script, I think I'm going to end up with the original outline... in draft 3 form.

[Russell Moore]

Really like the title and tag.

[Brandon Rice]

the title may change by the time I upload tonight.... since I saw one person had "trigger finger"

[Noel Evans]

Not sure Id be too bothered. Looking forward to reading it.

[Brandon Rice]

just finished uploading... title remained the same.

[preston]

hey Brandon, i'm looking forward to reading your script... good luck, man. :)

[Brandon Rice]

Thanks preston! Same to you.

[Horncastle]

I'm glad you entered - it will be good to read a script of yours. Good luck.
Jason

[MiataFilmSomething]

Can't wait! Sounds like it has the potential to be a lot of things.

[krestofre]

Nice. Well structured, well written. I don't know that there's anything I'd change about it.

[Mike Manning]

What up Brandon...
I agree.. it's well structured... but I guess I'm left wondering... why did you write this film? What are you trying to say with it?

It feels like it's been done before... the hitman's last job... the target being a loved one... having to choose... etc. etc.

..and while the theme of this fest wants us to play with the cliches of pulp fiction, that doesn't mean we can't expand on them and make them our own.

I dunno.. I hope I'm not sounding like a snob.

[Brandon Rice]

Nice. Well structured, well written. I don't know that there's anything I'd change about it.

Thanks man! :beer:


What up Brandon...
I agree.. it's well structured... but I guess I'm left wondering... why did you write this film? What are you trying to say with it?

It feels like it's been done before... the hitman's last job... the target being a loved one... having to choose... etc. etc.

..and while the theme of this fest wants us to play with the cliches of pulp fiction, that doesn't mean we can't expand on them and make them our own.

I dunno.. I hope I'm not sounding like a snob.

Hm. good questions... why did I write it? Well, because I thought it was a cool story of sacrifice that had a lot of tension in it, that could be easily fit and structured into a short.

I hope the theme of sacrifice comes through in the script, that's truly all I wanted to come through. And hopefully have some tension throughout.

I felt like this was a nice diversion from a lot of typical "pulp" stuff I had seen...

Thanks for your comments! :)

[DarkElastic]

Good script mate, I enjoyed the read. I thought it was well structured with a lot of tention towards the end... As stated above, it isn't a new idea, but still written well with a nice ending of sacrifice.

[lawriejaffa]

Yep just adding to the comments Brandon, a competent story, well written, but perhaps a little too cliche'd. Perhaps him making the wrong choice - shooting the girl at the end, would have given the story a new meaning - and would have twisted out from the normal expectations of even this genre.

You could have still raised the quesiton of personal sacrifice by doing that - without following the expected moral ending. Brechte is an author worth checking out for creative works that do this.

So well done mate and i enjoyed your story.

[ghalied]

Good job. Simple but well executed. Almost the only thing I could suggest was a single image (maybe metaphorical) for us to look at while we ponder the consequences of his choice. Something like a bird they were admiring earlier together flying off or her sitting waiting for him at next to an empty chair.

Well done, I think you'll do nicely in this competition.

[CallaghanFilms]

Nice job:beer:Brice

What I liked about the story:
It was a clean; neat; in and out; meat and potatoes; cut and dry.

What I didn't like about the dialogue:
It was a clean; neat; in and out; meat and potatoes; cut and dry.

I hope that makes some semblance of sense.

I gotta say though, the visualization factor was definitely there. I could see your short playing out crystal clear in that private screening room in my head. So for a technical grade, you score fairly high.

[Mike Manning]

Something to also think about Brandon, is the passivity of your protagonist. Perhaps this is why I was let down by the ending...

Your hero never really takes any active steps towards pursuing his goal... other than to say "I quit."

He's put in a dilemma at the end where he as to make an impossible choice between two horrible decisions, but you neglect the obvious third option.... Why doesn't he try and fight these guys?

You don't lose the theme of self-sacrifice if he dies trying. At least he could take a few guys down with him... and more importantly, it makes him a more active protagonist.

[Susanne G.]

It felt to me in a positive way a very calm, rational and less action story, which took my attention from the beginning to the end. I could imagine very well all the different characters and I like a lot how you created the dialogs. Thank your for sharing. I enjoyed it. :beer:

Susanne :bath:

[MiataFilmSomething]

Good read. I liked the dialog at the beginning. The demeanor of the mob boss at the beginning is classic. You can just tell this guy is evil and manipulative. Good tension in that scene.

Nothing too bad I can really say about it. Well done!

[Brandon Rice]

Good script mate, I enjoyed the read. I thought it was well structured with a lot of tention towards the end... As stated above, it isn't a new idea, but still written well with a nice ending of sacrifice.

Thanks, I am glad the tension came through :) When I write I always think of the end product more than the actual script, and read. Lately though I've been trying to express the visuals in my head through the written word.


Yep just adding to the comments Brandon, a competent story, well written, but perhaps a little too cliche'd. Perhaps him making the wrong choice - shooting the girl at the end, would have given the story a new meaning - and would have twisted out from the normal expectations of even this genre.

You could have still raised the quesiton of personal sacrifice by doing that - without following the expected moral ending. Brechte is an author worth checking out for creative works that do this.

So well done mate and i enjoyed your story.

Thanks for the comments. I did actually consider that ending as well... but for me I like to have a positive ending, though this is bittersweet, he does the admirable thing. And I do hope that the audience questions whether he actually was killed or not. Maybe he fought off the goons?

And regarding cliche's, I do agree I used some cliche's here, but I also feel that when a cliche' is executed well, that it works and resonates with an audience.


Good job. Simple but well executed. Almost the only thing I could suggest was a single image (maybe metaphorical) for us to look at while we ponder the consequences of his choice. Something like a bird they were admiring earlier together flying off or her sitting waiting for him at next to an empty chair.

Well done, I think you'll do nicely in this competition.

That is a great note regarding the metaphorical image! Love that idea!


Nice job:beer:Brice

What I liked about the story:
It was a clean; neat; in and out; meat and potatoes; cut and dry.

What I didn't like about the dialogue:
It was a clean; neat; in and out; meat and potatoes; cut and dry.

I hope that makes some semblance of sense.

I gotta say though, the visualization factor was definitely there. I could see your short playing out crystal clear in that private screening room in my head. So for a technical grade, you score fairly high.

Thanks Chad! Your comments mean a lot, as I know you're quite the connoisseur of writing. Appreciate you taking the time to check it out!


It felt to me in a positive way a very calm, rational and less action story, which took my attention from the beginning to the end. I could imagine very well all the different characters and I like a lot how you created the dialogs. Thank your for sharing. I enjoyed it. :beer:

Susanne :bath:

Glad you enjoyed it Susanne! :)


Good read. I liked the dialog at the beginning. The demeanor of the mob boss at the beginning is classic. You can just tell this guy is evil and manipulative. Good tension in that scene.

Nothing too bad I can really say about it. Well done!

Thanks! Appreciate you checking it out!

[Brandon Rice]

Something to also think about Brandon, is the passivity of your protagonist. Perhaps this is why I was let down by the ending...

Your hero never really takes any active steps towards pursuing his goal... other than to say "I quit."

He's put in a dilemma at the end where he as to make an impossible choice between two horrible decisions, but you neglect the obvious third option.... Why doesn't he try and fight these guys?

You don't lose the theme of self-sacrifice if he dies trying. At least he could take a few guys down with him... and more importantly, it makes him a more active protagonist.

Well, as I posted above as well, I hope the audience is left wondering a little... did he try to fight them off, did he survive? Was it the goons who were shot, or him? You know he wouldn't have just give up.... I visualized a lot of the way the looks should be in the performance, and know it'll sell the confidence of this guy.

Your points are well said though, and it's something to make sure I am aware of, because it's easy to write reactionary (or passive) characters when not intending to.

[seansshack]

Structure and formatting were solid. Tight and bright as I call it. No longer winded descriptions or character talking too much. All of much make for an easy read.

Dialog was good. Functional. But none of it stood out - not really a complaint as it works and tells the story/characters well. Just didn't stand out from similar shorts/stories like this.

Overall I liked the story it flowed well but felt the ending was a little weak. As it is I wouldn't stick in your head afterwards. Think about a twist at the end - something unexpected and this would be a rock solid script.

[themightyshrub]

There's not really much I can add that others haven't already said. Technically, it was excellently written, good dialogue etc, but I also felt a little let down by the ending. It felt rather predictable, which I felt was a slight problem with the whole story. Although there was nothing wrong with it, there was nothing that really made it stick out. That's not to say it was bad though, I really enjoyed reading it.

One point I could make is that I don't really understand the point of Jack. Unlike Tony and Sam, he didn't really seem to have much of a distinctive character, and I think you could have cut him out and still had a great script. Have Sam hold the gun to Tony's head at the end, and maybe just have Jack as an unnamed bodyguard in the scene in Sam's office, perhaps intergrate him with the maid to just have one minor character who introduces Sam, and pats down Tony. Just an idea.

Really well done though, I enjoyed reading it a lot!

[preston]

hey Brandon... good script here.

writing: i know you write in this format a lot, and your script shows it - you've got a good handle on the mechanics of screen writing.

story: while i wasn't disappointed with the ending, i did want to see him fight back (maybe even win, but not necessarily). go down swinging, you know? (if i was in his situation, i would assume that she'd be killed anyway, even if i refused to "pull the trigger". i would think the only way to save her life would be to be the last one standing.)

title: why did you call this "HAIR-TRIGGER"? i was hoping it was for his short temper when he decides to fight for his life.

one last thing - any plans to produce this?

[Russell Moore]

Nice and tight. Well written. Kept my interest. I like the idea of sacrifice. The story did feel very familiar.
My only bit of contention is it didn't feel very pulpy or noir to me, more of a straightforward action/drama type of piece.
I liked that we only hear the shot and don't actually see the action at the end. Nice work!

[GrizzlyGuy]

Nice script. An easy read and I never had to jump back to prior pages to understand what was going on.

Given that it's a pulp story, I thought the ending could have had a bit more bang in it (pun intended). Some possibilities that popped into my mind:

1) Tony shoots Julia, Jack shoots Tony, just as he turns and shoots Sam with his pistol. The they-all-die ending like in Reservoir Dogs.

2) Tony fires at Julia, who goes down. Tony gets the money and Sam is happy. Then... Julia gets up. We find out that this was a scheme by Tony/Julia to get the money, and she wasn't actually hit. Maybe Julia goes on to kill Sam just for good measure.

3) Tony shoots Julia and Tony/Sam/Jack are all happy. We learn via some dialog that she was Sam's nasty ex-wife, and she had even killed Jack's dog sometime in the past. Tony was just leading her along as part of the revenge plot. In fact, she is walking out of a bridal shop, happily looking forward to the wedding that will never come. Tony/Sam/Jack: Par-ty, the b*tch is dead!

[Larry Rutledge]

2) Tony fires at Julia, who goes down. Tony gets the money and Sam is happy. Then... Julia gets up. We find out that this was a scheme by Tony/Julia to get the money, and she wasn't actually hit. Maybe Julia goes on to kill Sam just for good measure.

I like this idea ... and you could even go one step further. Tony and Julia had it all planned, the fake hit, Jake is in on it with Tony. Tony kills Sam, Julia gets up, and meets them in the room.

They laugh about how they pulled it over on Sam. Then Jake kills Tony. It was a setup with Jake and Julia and they needed Tony to pull it off.

The final "bang" is while Jake laughs about how naive Tony was, Julia kills Jake and leaves with the money.

[Horncastle]

A good read. I don't have much to add to what others have said. It was well written, the structure was good and clear, it flowed by easily but I was left feeling it needed just a little extra something. One of the better entries, nonetheless - thanks.
Jason

[jamiejay]

Not extremely original, but a decent story. You definitely have the script structure and formatting down.

Maybe it is because I am still new to the whole script genre, but I didn't care for the writing style. The short sentences, while to-the-point, read to me almost like Dick and Jane... a bit choppy. Here are some examples:


Jack steps around behind the desk, stands where he can watch
Tony.
Sam motions Tony to a seat. Walks to a nearby drink tray.

Tony just watches Sam. Sam pours a drink, looks up at Tony.

Tony nods, no.

Sam takes a drink.


Jack stares at Sam, doesn’t move.


Obviously, this is what you were going for, and it does help to create the overall no nonsense feel of the story... I just thought it was a little over done. Based on other people's comments, however, most people didn't seem distracted by it... so it appears to be just a personal preference.


Like someone said earlier, it would have been nice to see him fight a little harder. Though I respect a good unhappy ending. :)

:beer:

[alex whitmer]

Page 5

He checks his watch.

INSERT: WATCH - 3:45pm

*He checks his watch twice, but only one insert. I think you can lose the first ‘looks at watch’.

*Not sure why Tony wouldn’t know where his Fiancé was. Jumps out as convenient, but maybe that is revealed ahead here.

*I take it the opening scene was a flashback? Or did he somehow survive and the rest is the flashback?

*If he gave his life for Julia’s then truly a noble man.

Enjoyed the read a lot. Fast and easy, and pretty concise. Just not sure which way the flashback is pointed.

a

[Brandon Rice]

Thanks to EVERYONE for your comments and critiques... life has been VERY busy lately, and I'm sorry I haven't A. been able to post comments on everyone's work, and B. been able to reply to the comments here on this thread...

Hopefully this week with a few days off I can get to those things! Thanks again!

[Nektonic]

I think this was a solid piece. I liked the setup more than the ending and would have liked to see a more intense climax. The hitman doing his last job has been done a ton of times, but yours worked because the characters seemed realistic. I wanted to know what happened to them. I never got the impression that you were doing this story just to have a shoot'em up. I didn't predict that the hitman's girl was going to be the last target. Nice surprise there.

Also, your writing style is very efficient and flows nicely. I would've liked to have seen a little more character development had you decided to use the rest of the ten page limit.

I've always wanted to do some sort of assassin movie where the assassin is a sharpshooter or sniper. I think that this type of action-thriller is ripe for bending the common expectations.

Are you going to shoot this (no pun intended) for Lossfest? I think it would fit the bill since the hitman loses his girl and his life. At least that is my interpretation of the end.

[Nektonic]

Nice script. An easy read and I never had to jump back to prior pages to understand what was going on.

Given that it's a pulp story, I thought the ending could have had a bit more bang in it (pun intended). Some possibilities that popped into my mind:

1) Tony shoots Julia, Jack shoots Tony, just as he turns and shoots Sam with his pistol. The they-all-die ending like in Reservoir Dogs.

2) Tony fires at Julia, who goes down. Tony gets the money and Sam is happy. Then... Julia gets up. We find out that this was a scheme by Tony/Julia to get the money, and she wasn't actually hit. Maybe Julia goes on to kill Sam just for good measure.

3) Tony shoots Julia and Tony/Sam/Jack are all happy. We learn via some dialog that she was Sam's nasty ex-wife, and she had even killed Jack's dog sometime in the past. Tony was just leading her along as part of the revenge plot. In fact, she is walking out of a bridal shop, happily looking forward to the wedding that will never come. Tony/Sam/Jack: Par-ty, the b*tch is dead!

Yeah yeah, I know I double posted. So shoot me (pun intended).

I got a neat twist you could use. How about revealing that Tony hired another sniper, maybe someone else that works for Sam, to kill Sam and his goon Jack.

Maybe first show Tony firing his rifle. We see a bunch of people, including Julia go down. It is not known who Tony hits. It would be assumed that Julia was hit while the random pedestrians are taking cover.

Then Jack holsters his gun, but then is shot. Before Sam can react Tony shoots him.

Or, like Grizzly suggested, maybe Tony and Julia set the whole thing up to fool Sam and Jack. When they are walking to their car. Tony takes them both out. Maybe you could wait to reveal that Julia is not dead then.

Just some ideas. I'm sure you could refine them and weave them into your story much better than I can describe them.