"Inferma K" - AJ Brooks

[AJ Brooks]

http://lh4.ggpht.com/imajur/SKKDF9Ke5ZI/AAAAAAAAABU/3cYtQWZWEoU/infermak.jpg?imgmax=720



Logline:

"In the future, when food is scarce, a father discovers a unique ability he possesses that could save his dying daughter."

Excerpt:


ANTOINE
Inferma K. The drifting connection.
The old system, data sent from
point A to point B, has been
forever changed. With Inferma K,
information is airborne and
available at all times. This
technology will revolutionize the
way we connect.


The crowd cheers.

OVER BLACK SUPERIMPOSE: "Six years later. 2018."

[AJ Brooks]

Uploaded. Relieved!

[Judgement]

Great logline

[alex whitmer]

This looks way interesting.

[conlanforever]

Yep, this is a good logline. I'm hooked.

[AJ Brooks]

Thanks!

Added the poster to the top.

[Nektonic]

Nice poster and logline. The script excerpt is interesting too.

[preston]

good luck! i can't wait to read all these scripts...

[Redcloak]

Just a quick note to say I found little bits unclear at times, didn't quite get the guy's power at first. I still enjoyed it though.

Found the central idea of a gadget that accidentally interferes with a bee's navigation a really interesting one, and one that seems pretty plausible.

It's a large slice of artistic license to extend the idea to global food shortages but hey... I can see how a florist might see some tough times though.

[MiataFilmSomething]

Neat story! I liked the ending, it made a complete story, which is very hard to do in a short script. So kudos to that effort.

The only suggestion I may make is to cut some of the chase stuff, or keep it and make the film longer, but in the final scene where Daniel is talking to Antoine, have that be a longer scene. Really play it out. Daniel knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that this man can help him, and Antione has no idea what's going on. They can talk further, get frustrated with each other, and their confusion and frustration will translate to the audience. When they're both angry enough, they pause because of some connection they now feel, and then BAM! The bus comes along and does its thing. More shocking that way, and it will floor the viewer.

Great idea and execution!

[conlanforever]

I really enjoyed this script. You paced it nicely and built the suspense well. I thought the idea of the honey bees was clever.

I can see that what MFS is saying about a little more between the two at the end that would add some tension. But I was satisfied and surprised at the ending, so it worked for me.

I thought you did a good job with the characters, I was really rooting for Daniel. Its a good mix of drama and action.

I thought this script was excellent.

[pauly_the_hitman]

I enjoyed the tension you created in the storyline. Although it seemed predictable, it still keep my attention to the very end. I'd love to see this become a feature.
Nice Job.
Pauly

[Captain Pierce]

I had a couple of unanswered questions, like "How did Agent Mathers know about Daniel's ability" or "How did Agent Mathers know that the man in the yellow cap narrowly escaped a runaway bus at 8:43AM on a particular day?"

You've got an interesting "ripped from the headlines" feel to this, as Antoine's invention feels like it's kind of tied to the debate about what to do with the frequency bands freed up by the DTV transition, and isn't there already some concern about not enough bees to pollinate things?

I liked the way you contrasted Antoine's hype with the world he creates, and also the way you left the ending open-ended (or at least that's the way I saw it."

All in all, a good read.

[jamiejay]

It's an interesting concept and I really felt for the character. I'm always up for a new take on the end of the world as we know it. :)

I do have a few questions/comments I was hoping you could shed some light on for me:

I agree it could be more clear when he travelled back in time. Also, if it was his first time, as it seemed like he was implying to Agent Mathers, he didn't seemed as shocked as you would think he would be.

I second Captain Pierce- How did Agent Mathers know he had time travelled?

I'm definitely no expert, but isn't information already airborne and accessible through handheld wireless devices? (this is just a small thing though... just curious, and I probably am just not technology savvy enough to know what you meant)

How would any cans be left in the abandoned store at all if food is more valuable than gold? (now I'm just over-analyzing....sorry)

I'm assuming that his mission was to keep him in the park in the path of the runaway bus. Is that correct? Why did he have to die as well? I liked him... :(

Great story overall!

[mjjason]

I must say I did not get this script. There were several issues with the script itself, i.e. a character named Wendy talking but she is never introduced. Who is she? Is she Berry?. There was also several spelling mistakes but I won't focus on those.

The biggest question I have was what was Daniel's actual power. Was it teleporting, changing events, or somethin more? It wasn't clear to me. And how does Agent Mather's no about it?

Also, what did the invention have to do with the story? Sure it ruined the world but did it have a direct effect on Daniel and his daughter. If the world stayed as it was without the invention would Daniel still have developed his power and would Angie still have gotten sick? Those connection are not very clear as I can't see how a guy would all of a sudden develop teleportation powers because of the cell phone invention.

It had a good feel and flow to it but I just couldn't appreciate the concept.

[MrKilloran]

I understood his abilities but maybe a little more depth on that since the development of them seems short changed. I could also go for some more interaction between The agent and Daniel as well as Daniel and Antoine towards the end to clear up some loose ends. Overall I gotta say I really enjoyed the idea of yours, nice desperation feel to the post-apocalyptic future.

[Noel Evans]

I thought this was a really clever idea and I liked the set up with Antoine at the start. I found some parts a touch hard to follow which caused me to reread, but then I still was left with questions, especially regarding his ability and how Mathers knew about it. Then, if he just found out about himself, why is he being observed by agents in the first place?

Anyway, although I was left pondering some things I thought should be answered I really liked the finale of the baby being born and the bee. Definite potential for more from this.

[AJ Brooks]

Thanks for the comments!

I definitely think I needed to simplify many elements. I tried to pack too much into those six pages and it got muddled. Stuff that could be better fleshed out in a feature.

Thanks again.

[krestofre]

Nice concept. Interesting idea.

I think the script would be stronger in Daniel could control his powers. I had a hard time with the idea that he could hit such an exact target when he wasn't even sure how to control it. If instead it's just something he knows how to do then you can avoid a lot of the expositional scenes. Like at the grocery store, when he gets attached by the other guy just have him suddenly back reaching for the peaches, then stops. This also builds mystery for the audience as we get to figure out that Daniel has powers on our own.

There could also be some back story that Daniel has gone back to the birth of his daughter many times before to see if he could save her. Maybe that moment in time is very familiar to him. Just a thought.

The only other comment I'll make is the scene where Mathers is explaining what happened with the bees is a bit expositional. Daniel would know what happened to the world and this kind of dialog would not happen between these two characters at this time. I understand that it's good for the audience, but the motivation for the characters to speak that way just wasn't there for me.

[Nektonic]

Starts out great, but loses focus halfway through. Seems like it needs some breathing room to develop the initial concept. Ending seemed a bit rushed. I liked the characters and their plight (I’m a sucker for post apocalyptic stories).

Daniel’s teleportation ability seemed a bit underdeveloped and thrown in. I would rather have seen a story about a man and his family trying to survive in a fallen society than the one you went with. I think that there is already plenty of potential with that aspect without having to have super power abilities. If you are going to have super powers I think that they need a bit more explanation than you provided.

This felt like too big of a concept for 6 pages. It would probably be good for a feature or longer short film though. I also really liked the character of Antoine Golsh. Sort of a hip Steve Jobs fellow? I want to know more about him and Inferma K. What exactly is it? Nanotech? Something else?

The switching between Berry and Wendy was jarring. I assumed that you started the character with one name but changed it partway through and just missed a few spots where the new name needed to be added. Also, and this is nothing against your script, but whenever I read a story or script and a character is named Wendy I think of the fast food joint Wendy’s and start to crave a burger.

I definitely liked the concept and your overall writing style and use of the screenplay format was very well done. I would love to see this idea developed into a longer piece because you have the basic building blocks of something great.