"The Explorers."

[J.R. Hudson]

I wrtoe this short based on a Twilsight Zone epsiode called "DEATH SHIP". I have never seen this episode but only know the synopsis. :beer:

[krestofre]

Welcome to the competition. :beer:

[Captain Pierce]

Oh, crap, nobody told me Hudson was in... :eek:

[J.R. Hudson]

Lol

Just a quick one I busted out. Based off a synop and idea. I'd like to do it, but not sure if I can logistically. We'll see.

[Mark Harris]

Good to see you in, JH.

[ConspiracyPenguin]

Hey JR, looking forward to it!

[J.R. Hudson]

Tks Penguin !

[AJ Brooks]

Sweet. I'm looking forward to this one. I love your work.

[Blaine]

Let's read this puppy...:beer:

[J.R. Hudson]

It's nothing to write home about, really.

:P

[Nektonic]

Looking forward to reading this one since I really enjoy your visual language blogs.

[AJ Brooks]

Great dialogue. Very good story.

I love the line, "The Droid looks away, unamused due to logic."

good work!

[arroway]

i have no criticism save for the fact that is too similar to the twilight episode it's based on. you didn't really stretch you legs at all in regard to the source material. same concept but with a tag-along star wars-like robot which succeeds only in making this a more expensive prospect to film than whats it's based on (assuming you somehow acquired the necessary legal rights to even begin worrying about budget)

[pmark23]

Cool. There's also a "X Minus 1" episode (1940's radio drama) similar to this. The only criticism I can raise is that it reads as a first draft (like you said it was). I think a lot of the dialogue isn't needed or redundant when filmed. Otherwise this would make an interesting short.

[realogist]

I have never seen the twilight episode either. It was a good read. Good use of visual descriptions. My take on it was that it was a circular story line. Those are my favorite, like 12 monkeys and terminator.

The beginning starts with the pod landing on the planet, which is actually the ending. He sees himself dead on the planet and flys away, but returns back to the planet, only to crash and cycle continues.

Only issue with me is the quick turn around of astronaut when he saw himself. Felt a little unnatural for him to take off so quickly and fly off the planet. Maybe more some examination into the ship, his body, made sure it was himself and not a mirage or trick of his eyes... or maybe allude to something about the atmosphere of the place causes highten fear, aniety, or weaken's one logic. so thus makes more sense for him to flee so quickly. Astronauts are very logical people.

Like the part "my programs are incapable of being hacked... exactly" can be read so many ways...

[krestofre]

A lot more humor in this one that I expected. I laughed out loud at several of the exchanges between the characters. That also goes a long way towards making them feel like real people instead of just characters in a script. Excellent job on that front.

Like Ian I too wonder if it's too similar to the Twilight Zone episode. I wonder how else you could play with the concept. Still the final image is as chilling as it is exciting.

[J.R. Hudson]

Thanks for reading.

I too wondered if it was too similar; I know of the story of course. I ran with it.

I never intended to enter necessarily, just wrote it in a moment of inspiration.

I'd like to do it and am not sure of any copywrite issues at this point. (Not what you do, how one does it?)

I too feel some stuff needs trimming while stretching other areas, but I think when I started writing I was just having fun with the interaction fo the characters.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

I read a few out of order and then I continued in reverse, starting with Vodou.
Just hit this one.

I really enjoyed it. Great dialogue, nice scene descriptions as well.
Loved the ending. I'm a sucker for that sort of ending. :)

Witty dialogue, good stuff.

Cheers,

Mike

[MiataFilmSomething]

I liked the dialog as well, but the movie seemed to end too quickly for me. The story explained what happened, but I didn't feel the characters really get into their situation or feel the impact that seeing yourself dead would have had on a person. That would have freaked me out.

But awesome exchange between the characters. My favorite part was the mention of the Octarian women. Great Aliens reference.

A good mystery script!

[J.R. Hudson]

Thanks for reading

I really should have tightened it prior to submitting (No excuses)

There are a few more references to certain films in it as well.

[ghalied]

I love mess-with-your-head/wtf types of films and this definitely falls into that category. The reaction at seeing himself needs more work, maybe better pacing and also the ending and beginning descriptions/visuals need to be immediately identifiable as the same with you having to tell us that. Other than that, all I can say is well done and thank you for the story.

[Russell Moore]

I never saw the Twilight Zone episode. But I was very entertained by this story. Witty dialogue, though it could be tightened up a little in areas. I think the banter between the two is the best part of the script.
It does seem to end quickly and a little more reaction after he sees himself dead. But then again, if I saw myself dead, I'd probably just turn tail and run too.

I like stories that come back around like this. You got "skills" ;)

[seansshack]

Good story. Which feels similar to something else (not sure if it's the one you mentioned). Some really funny moments of dialog.

Only note, is that it ended too quickly for me. I was reading it felt like it just ended.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Pretty interesting adaption...
Pauly

[Nektonic]

Interesting take on fate vs. free will. I thought the twist was nice, if a little bit predictable. I have to admit, I liked the banter between the droid and the astronaut better than the plot. The dialogue was great and had some humorous tones that worked really well. I got the impression that the astronaut is possibly a bit insane due to being crammed into a small ship with only a boring droid for company. Maybe he needs a vacation. I would love to see this relationship explored in greater detail. When he said “I hope it’s not a xenomorph” (nice nod towards Aliens), I was almost hoping it would turn into a situation where they were being hunted by a hostile alien. I think that you could take this story in many different directions at this point.

In the original Twilight Zone episode, did the astronaut have a droid or was he with other astronauts? If the droid is your creation I think you could spin this story off in different directions, thus making it your own so that you don’t have to worry about copyright mumbo jumbo.

Technical details:
Shouldn’t (A BEAT) be (beat) and in the same dialogue block?
On page 6 in the astronaut’s first piece of dialogue you capitalized the word Atmospheric.
Xenomorphe should be xenomorph.
You went a tiny bit over the 6 page limit, but only a few lines so no worries.

All in all a good read. I would love to see this produced. I love this kind of sci-fi, an average Joe alone out in the vast reaches of space without any super powers or ridiculously advanced technology. I can picture the inside of the pod being covered with tons of switches and controls. Maybe a bit like the worn and industrial look that worked so well in films like Alien and Aliens, Outland, and 2001, among others.

[MrKilloran]

Nice job, I really felt the classic show vibe with some nice updates from your style of writing. Good adaptation. It was witty and chilling although it went by fairly quick and the shock value suffered because of it, no worries though. Keep it up.

[Captain Pierce]

I love a good C-57-D reference. :D

Not familiar with the TZ ep, so can't really comment on that aspect, but it's a good take on the "no way out" scenario where the character can't escape his destiny.

Not meant as criticism, because I don't know for sure--but I always thought it was "Arcturian" in Aliens, referencing the star Arcturus.

[J.R. Hudson]

Interesting take on fate vs. free will. I thought the twist was nice, if a little bit predictable. I have to admit, I liked the banter between the droid and the astronaut better than the plot. The dialogue was great and had some humorous tones that worked really well. I got the impression that the astronaut is possibly a bit insane due to being crammed into a small ship with only a boring droid for company. Maybe he needs a vacation. I would love to see this relationship explored in greater detail. When he said “I hope it’s not a xenomorph” (nice nod towards Aliens), I was almost hoping it would turn into a situation where they were being hunted by a hostile alien. I think that you could take this story in many different directions at this point.

In the original Twilight Zone episode, did the astronaut have a droid or was he with other astronauts? If the droid is your creation I think you could spin this story off in different directions, thus making it your own so that you don’t have to worry about copyright mumbo jumbo.

Technical details:
Shouldn’t (A BEAT) be (beat) and in the same dialogue block?
On page 6 in the astronaut’s first piece of dialogue you capitalized the word Atmospheric.
Xenomorphe should be xenomorph.
You went a tiny bit over the 6 page limit, but only a few lines so no worries.

All in all a good read. I would love to see this produced. I love this kind of sci-fi, an average Joe alone out in the vast reaches of space without any super powers or ridiculously advanced technology. I can picture the inside of the pod being covered with tons of switches and controls. Maybe a bit like the worn and industrial look that worked so well in films like Alien and Aliens, Outland, and 2001, among others.

Thank you for the detailed comments ! :beer:


I love a good C-57-D reference. :D

Not familiar with the TZ ep, so can't really comment on that aspect, but it's a good take on the "no way out" scenario where the character can't escape his destiny.

Not meant as criticism, because I don't know for sure--but I always thought it was "Arcturian" in Aliens, referencing the star Arcturus.

I never thought of that or knew about this star. :huh: :dankk2:

[Captain Pierce]

Well, like I said, I don't know for a fact that that's what the script said, but it's what I heard. :)

[arroway]

In the original Twilight Zone episode, did the astronaut have a droid or was he with other astronauts? If the droid is your creation I think you could spin this story off in different directions, thus making it your own so that you don’t have to worry about copyright mumbo jumbo.

in the twilight zone episode he's with humans but the plot and the twist are identical. there is no way this could be filmed in its current state without legal ramifications relating to said "mumbo jumbo".