Blue Mist

[sfoster]

OK Here is my thread for Blue Mist. This was a huge challenge for me. I have trouble keeping shorts, well short. I started at 13 pages and had to cut it down. I hope you like it!!!

[alex whitmer]

Basically cut in half! That's a challenge. Look forward to reading it.

aw

[Judgement]

Yup- i had to force my script down to 6 pages too!

[conlanforever]

I thought 10 1/2 pages was bad or was it 11 1/2? Either way it wasn't 13, yikes, and I thought I had to do a lot of cutting/condensing.

[Noel Evans]

I thought fitting it all into such a tiny space was the biggest challenge of all.

[Noel Evans]

Hi Shane. Read youre piece. Great work on getting it packed into 6 pages. I still think it needs some work. Theres a lot of spelling and other errors for example - "He Suddenly an image pops up".

On the first page you set up the scene, but suddenly there are other people , the 1st LT and Keyla. You could set this up by saying a busy control room and then people expect others to be there. But you also need to give some character descriptions of the main players.

On page 2 theres

FIRST LIEUTENANT
Sir I don’t have any readings
CAPTAIN TAKHISI
Nonsense. Fire missiles.
FIRST LIEUTENANT
Firing.
ODAN
Where is the threat. I see your
alerts, but I don’t have a reading.

So it seems Odan is now with them, not talking over some comms device etc.

These are just a couple of things I wanted to point out. Again well done on getting it in.

[MrKilloran]

You have a great way with scenery, minor spelling errors but thought it was good, nice job

[Captain Pierce]

You know, if I had to guess, I'd say that Noel is doing the same thing I am, reading from the top of the download page down. :)

Sfoster, I think some of your intent got lost in the compression. (I can understand how that would happen, my original idea for the Fest was going to suffer the same thing, which is why I put it aside.) A few examples--when we first see Keyla, we don't get any sort of indication that she's down on the planet; we don't get a sense of where Odan and his ship have come from; and we have no idea why the concept of "breeders" is important at all.

I have no idea why Captain Takhishi ordered Odan's ship shot down and then tried to countermand that order five seconds later.

I think there's a terminology mismatch in that you say that Keyla is on a "space station." If she was on a space station that crashed onto the planet, she's got worse problems than the broken coupler--think Mir. :) I'm guessing that you meant some sort of shuttle or landing craft?

And, speaking of the coupler... Presumably, it's Keyla's mention of the broken coupler that prompts the First Lieutenant to urge the Captain to issue "the warning." and yet the blue mist coming from the broken coupler doesn't do a darn thing. (Or should I say the first broken coupler, since the end seems to suggest that a second coupler does a hell of a lot, and even before it's broken, at that.) The whole thing just seems a little inconsistent.

Also, you do have some grammar and punctuation issues that do affect the read.

When I look at what you're setting up here, I wonder if 13 pages is enough to do it justice. :) I mean, you've got incredibly dangerous starflight technology, an interstellar love quadrangle (Keyla and the Captain and the girl on the ship grabbing his butt and Odan), and some gratuitous starship-on-starship whoop-ass (not to mention some gratuitous grabbing of the male buttocks :D ). This could probably go feature-length...

[conlanforever]

I like a lot of the elements in this story.

I echo a lot of what Captain Pierce and Noel wrote. There was some cofusion about who was where.
There was also this...


The First Lieutenant whispers in his ear.
Send out the warning.


FIRST LIEUTENANT
Yes sir.


I assume that you meant the Captain whispered in the FL's ear.

You have good elements in the story to create suspense, the missile firing, the blue mist, the emotional relationships. Good stuff.

I just get the feeling there's too much going on in this story to shrink it effectively to 6 pages. But, I think you have a lot here to create a good scifi story that has a nice mix of action and emotion.

[sfoster]

Sorry about the spelling errors and the unexplained bits. I wrote it and like I said it was 13 pages. Then I put it down for a while and when I picked it up it was time to submit so I didn't really have time to do a good second draft. I just started cutting away. Thanks for the comments! Keep em comin'! I will likely change the script and might even shoot it for the DVXfest.

[mjjason]

Some issue:

Captain Takhisi's name is not capitalized when first introduced. Also, there is no description of him so I have no visual to go by.

Keyla is not introduced before she starts talking. Who is she?

There are some formatting problems here:


The First Lieutenant whispers in his ear.
Send out the warning. - Who is saying this?


FIRST LIEUTENANT
Yes sir.

Who is ODAN?


A sound like a computer connecting to the internet plays,
and then you see an image pop up out of nowhere. - I am not sure what this sounds like any more. Do they still have dial-up access :)


The formatiing of this script and the lack of character descriptions made it difficult to follow what was going on. It was hard to determine what the point of the story was or what has happening.

[mjjason]

I read your first post about having to cut from 13 pages to 6. That definitely made this harder to read than normal. Though there are still alot of formatting problems that need to be corrected.

[MiataFilmSomething]

I think the script suffered from being cut, but it was still a neat and mysterious story. I 'd love to see what could be done artistically with scenes happening on another planet. Great opportunity to let the mind roam!

Great effort!

[Judgement]

Me and captain Pierce has the same views!
I had no idea where Keyla was located!
I am still trying to figure out what happens at the very end!
This would surly be an "B" movie just totally confusing!
I think you're putting to much info that's irrelevant for the script!
Keep the action line short and to the point!
Some of us guys does not mind becoming a breeder! it surely beats what i am doing right now!

[STYLZ]

Felt like an episode of Star Trek. Except I am really confused. I get the proverbial 2 guys 1 girl. Was that the main story? Or was getting off the planet the main story? Maybe both. Guess everyone Lost. Except Odan was smiling. I don't get why. The female character seemed like a little tramp which causes me not to care about her character or anyone who would pursue her( other two characters) Hope this doesn't seem to harsh, story has potential, just need clear it up a bit, and have more likable characters. Or maybe I'm way off base here.

[Judgement]

Keyla just been on that planet for far too long and needed a good $#%

[krestofre]

I'd be interested in reading the 13 page version. I have a suspsicion that cutting so much out hurt the script, but I can't be sure. I too was confused by the ending and am not sure I understand the point of the mist, or the significance of the final scene.

[pauly_the_hitman]

I also had a hard time following exactly what the heck was going on. I would however like to read the longer version maybe it will work out some of the details and bring the story full circle.
Pauly

[alex whitmer]

SPOILERS


This ...

A Beautiful night sky ...

It's outer space. 'Night sky' is your only option.

This ...

He Suddenly an image pops up


Always glean for thses kinds of typos. Reading forward I see many, so I won't point them all out.

This ...


CAPTAIN TAKHISI
Hi Keyla.

Is he using some communications device, or talking to a person in the room?

This ...


The First Lieutenant whispers in his ear.
Send out the warning.


FIRST LIEUTENANT
Yes sir.

What? Did you miss a character heading?

This ...

ODANS SHIP

Odans needs the possesive ' to make it Odan's.

This ...

A shot of his small ship flying by the large one.


Is this an INT. or EXT. shot?

This ...


She puts some lipstick on
and fluffs her hair a little bit.

Bimbos in space? Don't think you need this dated image of women. Sorry. Sticks out like a sore thumb.

Page 6 has a big 'ol chunk of action text. Break that up.

This ...

He slowly slurs the sound.

He what?

This ...


his expression turns to
a smile as he realizes what this means.


So, what does it mean. I'm glad Odan knows, but waht about your audience?

Anyways, I think this one needs some work. I see a lover story, with two jealous men and a woman, and some mystery woman who slapped the C'pn on the butt.

What was the mist or stuff in the viles? It freezes people?

Lot of things to flesh out.

Best of luck with it. I'll glady read your next draft for you as well.

alex

[seansshack]

Solid structure, formatting and writing style (would shorten some action/descriptions). But mistakes have crept in, mostly in the story. I was relieved when I was about post comments, that you said you cut it back. I think this story needs more room to breath and another draft to polish and fix logic/flow in this 6 page version.

Good luck with it.

[agalla1]

I thought the script had some interesting elements...I did have to re-read it to understand some of the transitions in scenes...who was talking to who and what was going on in each scene. your concept was different and I definitely appreciated a very "sci-fi" approach! I would like to read more! ;-)

[sfoster]

SPOILERS

Best of luck with it. I'll glady read your next draft for you as well.

alex


After the script fest is over, I'll send you my rewrites if I get the time. Thanks!

Thanks to all of you for your awesome comments. You guys are going to make this an awesome short film, perhaps eventually a feature. I may have the concept, but after reading about all the things I left out and your suggestions about what I need to explain, I'm excited as a writer. Usually I write for myself, and I know what I mean. This is a bad habit that you guys are helping me break. Thanks to all of you. Oh and Stylz, I have thick skin! I can take the comments! :nads: See I keep getting back up!