The Seeding Room

[david jerome]

As You Sow, So Shall You Reap


http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/10315/1218678539.jpg




I really had no idea where to draw the acceptable, unacceptable line on this type of fest. I'm guessing whatever side this one falls on it will be pretty close.

[Judgement]

Sounds like a fun action script!

[alex whitmer]

Love the title.

a

[nitramlehcar]

hehehe...awesome

[arroway]

best title of the fest so far...

[jamiejay]

you can't see me... but i'm blushing ;)

[nitramlehcar]

I hope it veers more toward the "unacceptable." Controversy is fun! :evil: :banned: :grin:

[nitramlehcar]

you can't see me... but i'm blushing ;)

I see you jamiejay...but you're in grayscale. :laugh:

[preston]

seeding.

[jamiejay]

don't say seeding

[tmpafilmer25]

seeding

[jamiejay]

:p :)

[tmpafilmer25]

:thumbsup:

[Judgement]

I was seeding last night- anyone else was seeding?

[nitramlehcar]

I'm always up for a good seeding. :happy:

[Judgement]

I will be seeding tonight!

[nitramlehcar]

SPOILERS BELOW


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You can quote me on this. That was ALIEN EROTICAWESOME!! (insert crazy lady from "So You Think You Can Dance" scream)

I think that I should probably be offended, or at least repulsed...but I can't stop laughing. "It is the size of her arm." !!!!!!!!!


Love it or hate it....No one will be forgetting this entry.

[jamiejay]

i absolutely LOVE the poster! did you notice how big the nipple shadow was? haha. and it goes perfectly with your sci fi/porn... tinramlehcar is so right... NO ONE will be forgetting this one! i'm impressed by how daring you are. and how original. the only thing your works have in common is how uniquely "david" they are. and your graphic visual descriptions will have the more prudish readers peeking at the script through their closed fingers... but they still won't stop reading because the plot is intriguing and the writing style flows easily. i'm really interested to see what others have to say actually. i will be more specific later. and, yes, i am still blushing. :)

[tmpafilmer25]

David, I love your script, I can't wait till I read it.

[arroway]

first line, “just reaching the age of maturity” is really kind of ambiguous. when exactly to we reach maturity? the script is filled with “unfilmables” which are at home in a novel but glaringly out of place in a script. the reference to hanging seems incongruous with a sci-fi interplanetary war universe.



A twelve line paragraph in a short screenplay is like a steak that’s half bone.


...especially when that twelve line paragraph is nothing but an overly-choreographed sex scene. This is not r-rated material here what with soaked panties and arm-length shafts.



oh my god, you’ve actually trumped the previous brick of narrative with something twice as large. it goes without saying a chunk of text this big does not belong in any script.

there seems to be a nice idea hidden in this somewhere but it’s barely discernable behind what surpasses erotica to become (in my opinion) simple porn.

[david jerome]

first line, “just reaching the age of maturity” is really kind of ambiguous. when exactly to we reach maturity?

It is at different ages all over the earth and certainly there are different times when considering the universe and alien life forms. I just didn't feeling like relating the Platinorians to humans in that way.


the reference to hanging seems incongruous with a sci-fi interplanetary war universe.
I guess you've never been to Platinoor.


This is not r-rated material here what with soaked panties and arm-length shafts.
That's not fair Ian, I read the peeing part in your script.


oh my god, you’ve actually trumped the previous brick of narrative with something twice as large.
Don't say twice as large.


there seems to be a nice idea hidden in this somewhere but it’s barely discernable behind what surpasses erotica to become (in my opinion) simple porn.
Sorry if I missed the rating on this, I had no idea what the rating was. It was not intentional. That's actually how the story unfolded to me. On the plus side there was no use of profanity.

Thanks for the comments Ian. And thanks for reading.

[nitramlehcar]

That's SO funny! I just read the "pee-ing in the butt" part of Ian's script and nearly wet myself! And then I almost did it again when you said "twice as large"!!!!!!!!!!

[jamiejay]

twice as large :p

[krestofre]

The content is what it is, but Ian is absolutely right about the technical aspects of the script. As description goes, this is more novel than screenplay. The dialog is also awfully heavy. Trying reading this out loud. People don't talk like that, even if they're from Platinoor.

[alex whitmer]

Hi David, thanks for sharing with the fest ...


SPOILERS



techie stuff

This ...

A young girl, just reaching the age of maturity,

Maybe shorten that to ‘pubescent girl’ since this age varies quite a bit.

This ...

wakes up in a room she has never seen before

We don’t know this.

This ...

On the planet Platinoor there are eleven
males born for every one female

Planet and Platinoor sound too similar. I’d pick another name.

This ...

She is wearing black silk panties with a golden V leading to her
groin.

They have black silk panties on Platinoor? Damn, we are not alone!

Also, you paint a sensuous picture, then use groin, which is such departure. Athletes get kicked in the groin. Don’t beat around the bush (no pun) and maybe say a golden V is embroidered from the waistband to the gusset.

So far the dialogue is very expositional.

This ...

The other breast has a dagger with a blade that separates into two
points. On the blade are the words ( Protect Our Own ).

Should be ‘The other breast has a tattoo of ...’. Also, no need to put parenthesis around Protect our own.

This ...

Before their seeding the females are valued
much higher than the warrior males. The
twelve Elders are given the highest
respect.

Don’t get it. Does this mean the females lose value after seeding? Who are the twelve elders? I assume this will be answered, but it come out the blue with nothing to reference.

So far all the visuals place this squarely on earth: silk bedding, chandeliers, a female form in lingerie.

Not sure I like the use of bold. It sucks the eye away from the rest of the sentence. I’d lose it.

This is silly ...

On one side is a male with water flowing from his shaft. On the other is a female and water is flowing from her hole.

Shaft and hole are words commonly used in gutter erotica. The visuals here place this story above that, and you should use words appropriate to the mood, like penis and vulva.

This ...

On the table is a bottle of lotion that the girl is familiar with ...

Familiar in what way?, and how is that filmable?

Page 2

This ...

SARAH
Mother, is that you?

Mother?

This ...

the perfect specimen of the Platinoorian male
warrior.

How do we know this?

This ...

ELDER SIMON LOWEL
Sarah, you are a very privileged girl. I am
the Elder Simon Lowel. I know it is your
time of seeding. And I am here to fill you
with my seed.

The dialogue is dreadfully OTN. Really need to fine tune it.

Page 3

You are on the planet earth in the house of
the Presidents.

Well this explains a lot.

This ...

There can be no stain on
the future elders or what will become known
as there beginning.

Typo. I think you mean ‘their’.

I gotta say this dialogue is really dragging this down. The early visuals were clean, but now I need to crowd my head with all this Platinoor minutia that I have no idea what really looks like, and there is insufficient visuals to help out.

Page 4

This ...

She goes out the door. Sarah groans and claws at her stomach as if she is trying to pull the animal out of her gut. She begins panting
and reaches down to her silk panties which are now soaked. The madman
walks back through the door.

I’m getting into it here. We finally see Sarah have some reaction, some emotion. Not sure how you will film 'soaked panties', and I don’t think it does anything for the story – unless you develop something where there is a very small window in which a girl can take seed, and there is some kind of visual that shows the time is closing – to add some urgency. Something. And keep it believable.

Is the madman same as the Elder? If so, stick to Elder.

Page 5

This ...

Her face contorts as she craves it. He puts his massive hands on her thighs and presses out.

Way too many pronouns all jumbled up.

This ...

You want to do this the hard way do you.

Maybe should have a ?

This ...

Well Sarah, that just makes it more
exciting for me.

I’m not buying any of this dialogue. It comes across as way too human.

Also, by now I should be really rooting for Sarah, but nothing has really told me much I can relate to. If she is your protag, and I am to experience the film through her, then I am feeling a little empty-handed here. I get that she is battling a physical urgency that is part of her genetic code if you will, but what is her reason for wanting to refuse her destiny?

Like this ...

SARAH
(hateful)
You can do to me what you want. I will
never give you a litter. I swear I will die
before that happens.

What is her reason? Is she really willing to die for whatever that reason is?

This ...

He points it towards her and sprays a mist
in her face.

Hmm, feels like a date-rape scenario.

This ...

Protecting my own you twisted perverted
coward!

Why would she say perverted? This is a ritual that I assume all the Platinoorians are aware of. Unless of course it is forced upon them by Elders craving virgins, and then write laws to give them rightful access.


STORY

Okay, well I didn’t see this as pornographic, but rather as sci fi erotica that missed its mark. It sadly comes across as male fantasy over pure story telling. You need to get the Larry Flynt out of it.

I am a big fan of erotica, and actually write it professionally for a women’s erotica website. For erotica to work well, it needs to appeal to both men and women in some way. Erotica is about human sexuality, porno is just misguided curiosity. I don’t think this will appeal to many women in that Sarah never really is developed enough (no pun) to make her a solid protag with a clear goal that both men and women can relate to.

The title is great. The concept is great. Love the idea of women having litters, but then she would need more nipples to make it believable.

Maybe read up on ‘double intender’ and see how you can shed this screenplay of all that expositional writing. As it is we have a young girl/woman listening to yards of blabber about her craving and destiny.

I think you have a ‘seed’ here, just need to find it’s tao.

alex

[nitramlehcar]

I have to disagree that this wouldn't appeal to many women. Perhaps I'm a little more on the extreme side of female preference, but I loved the dirty (masculine) imagery. I guess I prefer the "gutter erotica." It's cool to see erotica that's clearly written by a man for a change.

You mentioned two parts in critique that were probably my favorite. I loved the imagery of the statues in front of the bed and I had no issue with "shaft" or "hole." I think "penis" and "vulva" would've been a little too feminine. No one really says "vulva" anyway.

I think she called him perverted, not because of the ritual, but rather because he admitted to her that he murdered the entire population of their planet. I could be wrong though.

[alex whitmer]

It will certainly appeal to some, just not across the board. I could be wrong. I usually am.

I'm not saying erotica should be pretty or sugar-coated (banish the thought) but somehow this lacked an emotional or intellectual bond to ground it.

I would have liked to have seen Sarah really battle her physical cravings vs her purpose for refusing them. So much script was used up with Elder talking, that we never got to see the internal struggle, that in my humble opinion, would have moved this up a notch or two.

I like a good gutter-erotica story as well - it just seemed out of place here.

a

[alex whitmer]

No one really says "vulva" anyway.

I say it all the time - in the shower, walking the dog, reading poetry!

No, seruiously, maybe not a better choice, but somehow hole lacks 'warmth'.

a

[nitramlehcar]

I say it all the time - in the shower, walking the dog, reading poetry!

No, seruiously, maybe not a better choice, but somehow hole lacks 'warmth'.

a


I'm going to make an effort to say it spontaneosly in every conversation. It's going to be my new non sequitor! :grin:

[david jerome]

alex,
Thank you for your comments. I'm taking it all in. A few points. Sarah does not think this is her destiny. Elder Simon and Sister Ariel have schemed all this and are using her. Elder Simon is very arrogant and no longer feels the need to hide his plan. He also understands the overwhelming power of Sarah's instinct for seeding and is taking full advantage of it. The normal ritual would have her mother's encouragement and support and a kind, helpful elder. This race is very ingrained with the idea of protecting their own. Sarah would rather die than to be used as a tool for a traitor who has just detroyed her family and her people. It goes against everything she believes in. So she is in a great struggle between her body and mind.

Thanks again for reading. I would love to read some of your stories if available.

[alex whitmer]

I knew there was much more to her than made it to the page. She's your protag, so stuff a sock in the Elder's mouth and let this protag steal the show.

It's a great concept.

[preston]

hands down, the best poster of the fest... looks like a sweet book cover or a cool one-sheet.

more later...

[Bridget D.]

I had no issue with "shaft" or "hole." I think "penis" and "vulva" would've been a little too feminine. No one really says "vulva" anyway.

I was opting for the word cavern. Hole is just too plain and obviously not big enough. This script would make a great comedy.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

I'm going to comment later as I think I need to take this one in a second time. Please, no puns. :D

[alex whitmer]

Please, no puns. :D

No promises. You're kinda asking for it.

a

[jamiejay]

That's what she said. :nads:

[MiataFilmSomething]

I'll be in my bunk...

[david jerome]

I might be wrong, but I'm guessing there's a little drinking going on tonight.

[ghalied]

There was just way too much exposition in the dialogue. The only action is the sex. Lets face it, you have a story about about an explicit rape of a horny woman. You're going to have to show a lot more of your story visually if you don't want it to dwell in the realm of porn or hentai.

Your descriptions are brilliant and I like your writing and I would love to read a longer version that has less infodump dialogue - because it is... err ...stimulating (for lack of a better word :lol:).

[agalla1]

Loved the imagination you used to write such a script...most of the time I couldn't believe what I was reading...it had a "should I be reading this..oh my gosh I cannot believe I am reading" impact! ;-)


SPOILER..............


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I loved your play on the man's entitlement to women and how his false percetption is "all woment want it" Although much of the scripts graphic sex scene were a little much for me....the shock value mixed with a real world correlation really worked...as far as the dialogue...I think it wonderfully matched the craziness of the script...and by craziness I am paying you a compliment. ;-)

[seansshack]

Interesting idea and concept. Some of the words used seem out of place (more suited to a sex novel)

Some of the dialog is much too wordy (but just me).

The action/description on page 6 is massive. Nearly a page without a paragraph break. But not enough visual description in the rest of the script.

But overall interesting and different to what I expected.

[conlanforever]

<SPOILERS>



I have no problem with the content or the idea. I actually like a lot of the ideas that are talked about in the script, but therein lies the problem, the ideas and action are just talked about.
There were such long sections of redundant dialogue and/or with so much exposition, it was just tedious getting through it.
There was a lot of talk about action, but very little of it to see.

I think there are a lot of really good ideas in this script and you can really write well. I'm just not sure this should be a script, but a short story.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Well what do I think of it? I liked it I must agree with most of the comments so far. Very erotic, but seemed better suited for a novel or maybe it would translate better on film. I still enjoyed reading it and think it was a good overall concept.
Pauly

[Captain Pierce]

I seem to recall reading somewhere that the ScriptFest scripts should conform to the same "R" rating that's enforced for the film Fests, but I can't seem to find it now. IMO, you've gone beyond that here.

I think I see where you're going with this, but to me the "great struggle between her body and mind" just gets lost underneath that massive sex/rape scene.

What I would have like to have seen was more about what happens to Sarah after all this. If the Elder was telling the truth, and she and Ariel are now the only Platinoor alive in the universe, what will happen to her? It's going to be hard for her to explain the Elder's death in any way that lets the humans still trust her, so do they eliminate her? Or does Ariel convince them that she can change Sarah's mind and bring her around eventually. I think I'd also like to see it end on the birth of Sarah's litter, and have it not be the tradition 11 males and 1 female, but maybe half-and-half, or even 11 females to one male, just to suggest that the new Platinoor is going to be really different from the old. But this is all probably too much for six pages...

[david jerome]

Thanks for all the comments and feedback. It's been very helpful. I was originally writing this for a short story and decided to adapt it for the fest. I think it works better for a short story and will use some of the helpful advise given here to complete it. Again, thanks you for taking the time to read and comment.

[jamiejay]

:bath:
:zombie_smiley:

:shocked: http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/images/icons/icon3.gif

:kali::zombie_smiley:http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/images/smile/Drogar-KnockedOut%28DBG%29.gif


:thumbsup::grin: