"Pawn"

[agalla1]

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b109/nitramlehcar/Pawn.jpg

It's all fun and games until someone is exsanguinated.

[Judgement]

liking it already!

[nitramlehcar]

I'm a sucker for exsanguination. (nudgenudgewinkwink) :Drogar-Vampire(DBG)

[jamiejay]

love the title, tag line, and pic! :)

[jamiejay]

I'm a sucker for exsanguination. (nudgenudgewinkwink) :Drogar-Vampire(DBG)

was the bad pun intentional? :p ;)

isn't this bath tub guy cute?
:bath:

[Isaac_Brody]

Interesting...

[nitramlehcar]

was the bad pun intentional? :p ;)

isn't this bath tub guy cute?
:bath:

You know me too well....

and yes, he's adorable.

[nitramlehcar]

And that was an awesome pun, by the way.

[agalla1]

love the title, tag line, and pic! :)
hopefully, the script lives up to the pic and tagline! :)

[jamiejay]

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Great writing! You can't go wrong with vampires... (not even in 30 days of night despite how ridiculous it was, it was still entertaining to me)... and you definitely have the Anne Rice thing down. The entire script flowed easily and it was easy to follow. I'm glad he felt remorse at the end. Using the title "Pawn" was great foreshadowing of how they used Claudius for their own agenda.

If you had more pages, it would've been great to Claudius and Fiona together before he is attacked to develop their relationship and to make his remorse even more apparent in the end.

Great work! :)

[MiataFilmSomething]

Vampire lore scripts are always neat. I can't help but feel that the dialog in this was a little too melodramatic. If that is your intention, and you mean for the feel of the film to be grand and opera like in style and feel, then it's all good. If you were going for a more realistic, real world feel, then you may want to change some of the phrasing and comments.

I like the twist at the end. It couldn't be done because of time's sake, but I'd like to see the end scenes played out more. Have Claudious revel in his evil and be super proud of what he's done, and soak it all in, enjoying his revenge. Then, immediatley after that, get his mind thinking of what he's done, and the guilt sets in. He'd be confused, angry, almost afraid, becuase he knows he's not supposed to feel that way. Then the head vamp comes in and spills the beans.

I can't believe Claudious defied the council. It's like the Episode III of vampire movies ;)

Fun read!

[agalla1]

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Great writing! You can't go wrong with vampires... (not even in 30 days of night despite how ridiculous it was, it was still entertaining to me)... and you definitely have the Anne Rice thing down. The entire script flowed easily and it was easy to follow. I'm glad he felt remorse at the end. Using the title "Pawn" was great foreshadowing of how they used Claudius for their own agenda.

If you had more pages, it would've been great to Claudius and Fiona together before he is attacked to develop their relationship and to make his remorse even more apparent in the end.

Great work! :)

Thanks! I definitely would've preferred a stronger connection between Fiona and Dimitri and thinking back...probably the events leading up to the "betrayal" would have been a great story as well! Glad you liked it!

[agalla1]

Vampire lore scripts are always neat. I can't help but feel that the dialog in this was a little too melodramatic. If that is your intention, and you mean for the feel of the film to be grand and opera like in style and feel, then it's all good. If you were going for a more realistic, real world feel, then you may want to change some of the phrasing and comments.

I like the twist at the end. It couldn't be done because of time's sake, but I'd like to see the end scenes played out more. Have Claudious revel in his evil and be super proud of what he's done, and soak it all in, enjoying his revenge. Then, immediatley after that, get his mind thinking of what he's done, and the guilt sets in. He'd be confused, angry, almost afraid, becuase he knows he's not supposed to feel that way. Then the head vamp comes in and spills the beans.

I can't believe Claudious defied the council. It's like the Episode III of vampire movies ;)

Fun read!

I definitely agree that some of the scenes could have been played out more but oh those page counts! ;-) A little more dramatic was intentional since I prefer theatre to movies...I tend ot pull from the over exaggerations the stage offers....very happy you ejoyed it and I greatly appreciate the feedback!

[conlanforever]

I like vampire stories and I thought you had a lot of good elements in this story.

Giving the story a love triangle makes it more than just a horror piece or action piece.

After Claudius kills his brother you mention that he feels a moment of remorse. This is fine if I'm just reading it, but in a script we have to see it. So some way to 'show' that he feels remorseful. It could be something like....

Claudius pauses for a moment over his brother. Dimitri's dead eyes stare unseeing back at him. Claudius reaches forward and carefully pushes Dimitri's eyelids shut.

Thats not a great example, but just something to show how he feels.

The scene where Claudius kills his brother is appropriately gory, I'm always a sucker for a little dismemberment.

I have one question though. If Claudius used his vampire senses to locate Fiona, then why couldn't the other vampires do the same thing?

I liked the end and how Claudius is betrayed and used by the council. Well done!

[agalla1]

I like vampire stories and I thought you had a lot of good elements in this story.

Giving the story a love triangle makes it more than just a horror piece or action piece.

After Claudius kills his brother you mention that he feels a moment of remorse. This is fine if I'm just reading it, but in a script we have to see it. So some way to 'show' that he feels remorseful. It could be something like....

Claudius pauses for a moment over his brother. Dimitri's dead eyes stare unseeing back at him. Claudius reaches forward and carefully pushes Dimitri's eyelids shut.

Thats not a great example, but just something to show how he feels.

The scene where Claudius kills his brother is appropriately gory, I'm always a sucker for a little dismemberment.

I have one question though. If Claudius used his vampire senses to locate Fiona, then why couldn't the other vampires do the same thing?

I liked the end and how Claudius is betrayed and used by the council. Well done!

Thanks for the feedback! definitely are great observations that I wish I could have elaborated on a little more....the point of Claudius and using vampire senses to locate Fiona....I mainly was going on a "connection"...the other vampires had no personal connections to anyone in the Lyzine army...but Claudius was consumed by his anger, hatred, desire for revenge...so these feelings led to a more "hightened" state of senses...mainly a point to how our passions can consume us if we allow them to. Thanks for the great feedback! I definitely will use it for the next time I re-enter in scriptfest! ;-)

[conlanforever]

The fact that he had a personal connection and he would be more in tune makes perfect sense. That clears it up for me. I think passion of one form of the other has gotten the best of everybody at some point. Though it never actually got to the point where I dismembered someone ;)

[pauly_the_hitman]

Dialog seemed kind of over dramatic, and the story could use a little fine tunning but overall a good read.
Pauly

[MiataFilmSomething]

Dialog seemed kind of over dramatic, and the story could use a little fine tunning but overall a good read.
Pauly



I agreed with you in an above post, but ag told me it was meant to be that way. So if you make the movie with that frame of mind, it could be pulled off in an over the top mood.

I don't think the dialog is any worse than Episode III. When I watch that movie now I try to watch it in an over the top theater operatic state of mind, and it makes the movie more fun to watch. I see this being done in the same way.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Cool story. I agree about the moment of remorse, it needs to be shown somehow.
The title also really gives away the ending. I was looking for the pawn from the start.

Nice work though, interesting script.


Mike

[Captain Pierce]

As somebody who has a tendency to overuse parentheticals unless I watch myself very closely, I see the same thing in this script. (Also, I don't pretend to be an expert on script formatting, but my understanding is that a parenthetical should be on its own line, not mixed into the dialog.)

There's also a couple of things that just sort of trail off into nothingness. Dmitri and Fiona both get guns from Jonas, and both disappear just as thoroughly as Jonas himself does, for example. :)

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think a lot of basement hiding places come equipped with exit windows. :D Also in that category, I thought the idea of ripping all Dmitri's limbs off was a little much, but I'm not exactly your target market for this sort of thing. :)

On the plus side, I think you did a good job of setting up the human/vamp/Lyzine relationship with resorting to lengthy exposition; Abbadon sets it up pretty nicely in a short speech, we get the essentials and not anything extra and unnecessary. And what happens to Claudius is an interesting departure from what I expected (which was some sort of typical challenge of Abbadon for leadership of the vamps and that whole kind of thing.)

[agalla1]

Cool story. I agree about the moment of remorse, it needs to be shown somehow.
The title also really gives away the ending. I was looking for the pawn from the start.

Nice work though, interesting script.


Mike

You are quite correct about the name of the story...sorry if it gave it away too early!

[agalla1]

As somebody who has a tendency to overuse parentheticals unless I watch myself very closely, I see the same thing in this script. (Also, I don't pretend to be an expert on script formatting, but my understanding is that a parenthetical should be on its own line, not mixed into the dialog.)

There's also a couple of things that just sort of trail off into nothingness. Dmitri and Fiona both get guns from Jonas, and both disappear just as thoroughly as Jonas himself does, for example. :)

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think a lot of basement hiding places come equipped with exit windows. :D Also in that category, I thought the idea of ripping all Dmitri's limbs off was a little much, but I'm not exactly your target market for this sort of thing. :)

On the plus side, I think you did a good job of setting up the human/vamp/Lyzine relationship with resorting to lengthy exposition; Abbadon sets it up pretty nicely in a short speech, we get the essentials and not anything extra and unnecessary. And what happens to Claudius is an interesting departure from what I expected (which was some sort of typical challenge of Abbadon for leadership of the vamps and that whole kind of thing.)


yeah the disappearing guns could probably be tied to the accidental props that are left on set while filming...and somehow make it into production...unnoticed? lol! great points...definitely things I can use if I decide to do another script!

[STYLZ]

The long exposition speeches stand out as just that. I would work those into the story more with interaction. I would of left out the head council member talking to the soldiers, leaves a whoa factor at the end. Other than that Good job. Good story. Good read. Thanks for sharing.

[Nektonic]

The first batch of dialogue on page 1 between Dimitri, Jonas, and Fiona (love the names you picked for the characters by the way) is formatted properly, while the next scene’s dialogue is formatted differently. The dialogue formatting then goes back to normal on page 4. At the top of page 3, I think that you could get away with just Abbadon watches Claudius exit.

The speech by Claudius while he looks into the mirror seems unnecessary to me. It also comes off as unnatural. I think that you could cut it, and just have him smash his mirror or have the dialogue play out in a VOICE OVER while he stares into the broken mirror. This would then imply that he is thinking about what he is going to do to Dimitri and Fiona, also avoiding the problem of having a character speaking their direct thoughts on screen for no reason other than to tell the audience the plot. You could also have another vampire ask him what he intends to do. This would be his answer.

On page 4 when you describe Claudius using his vampire senses, I think that you should visualize how this special sense works. Maybe show Fiona sleeping. Her heart beating. The sound of the beats echo through the city. Then somehow connect it with Claudius in his car. He can smell Fiona’s fear is a bit too abstract for a script.

On page 5 I would break up the block of action description a bit. I know, 6 page limit might have forced this compromise, but for future drafts you won’t be as limited. You could also lose the description of Claudius pleading. If it is character dialogue the rule of thumb is to put it into actual dialogue.

In some of your dialogue blocks you have the parentheticals mixed in with the lines. They should get their own line whether below the character name or in the middle of the lines of dialogue. Also, some lines like “Fiona cannot bear to look upon this horror” could be cut. Basically, anything that is not a sound or a visual shouldn’t be in the descriptions. Simply saying that she turns away is enough to get the point across.

I really liked the plot. I can’t say anything bad about it. I thought that Claudius would be defeated but it didn’t turn out like that. I liked that you went with a less predictable yet tragic ending. The world you created worked really well. It did remind me a little bit of the film Underworld, but not too much. Abbadon’s speech at the end really tied things up nicely. This was an entertaining read. It also seems like there is more story potential with the Vampires and Lyzines beyond this script. Well done.

[MrKilloran]

A good drama, filled with creatures of the night ... whats not to like. Jonas and the rest of the Lyzines sort of take a backseat in the story, which although not necessarily bad, seems disappointing, Jonas is there for a few words of setup and then he's gone. I know 6 pages is tight but it can be done. Claudius being tossed aside and receiving nothing for all his misdeeds is spot on, but then it ends, he lifts his head up and ... what does he do then?

Nice job.

[david jerome]

I would love to see this on film. My favorite part,

"Ohhh Dimitri, it now appears you

have no arms....how will you hold
my Fiona now?"

I think this is a good beginning to the Claudius Chronicles. I hope you write more about him.

[agalla1]

A good drama, filled with creatures of the night ... whats not to like. Jonas and the rest of the Lyzines sort of take a backseat in the story, which although not necessarily bad, seems disappointing, Jonas is there for a few words of setup and then he's gone. I know 6 pages is tight but it can be done. Claudius being tossed aside and receiving nothing for all his misdeeds is spot on, but then it ends, he lifts his head up and ... what does he do then?

Nice job.

Glad you liked it! With only 6 pages to make it work...it was my intention to have Jonas and the Lyzines take a backseat...I mainly wanted to focus on the relationship between Fiona, Dimitri and Claudius..with a little touch of Abaddon. The last line originally had him looking up and you would see the horror in his eyes...the camera hopefully, would display his anguish over what he had just done....hope that helps a little...thanks again for the feedback! ;-)

[agalla1]

I would love to see this on film. My favorite part,

"Ohhh Dimitri, it now appears you

have no arms....how will you hold
my Fiona now?"

I think this is a good beginning to the Claudius Chronicles. I hope you write more about him.





hahaha! I like the ring of Claudius Chronicles! Happy that you liked it...I doubt scrip writing will be in my future...maybe I should stick to books! ;-)

[agalla1]

The first batch of dialogue on page 1 between Dimitri, Jonas, and Fiona (love the names you picked for the characters by the way) is formatted properly, while the next scene’s dialogue is formatted differently. The dialogue formatting then goes back to normal on page 4. At the top of page 3, I think that you could get away with just Abbadon watches Claudius exit.

The speech by Claudius while he looks into the mirror seems unnecessary to me. It also comes off as unnatural. I think that you could cut it, and just have him smash his mirror or have the dialogue play out in a VOICE OVER while he stares into the broken mirror. This would then imply that he is thinking about what he is going to do to Dimitri and Fiona, also avoiding the problem of having a character speaking their direct thoughts on screen for no reason other than to tell the audience the plot. You could also have another vampire ask him what he intends to do. This would be his answer.

On page 4 when you describe Claudius using his vampire senses, I think that you should visualize how this special sense works. Maybe show Fiona sleeping. Her heart beating. The sound of the beats echo through the city. Then somehow connect it with Claudius in his car. He can smell Fiona’s fear is a bit too abstract for a script.

On page 5 I would break up the block of action description a bit. I know, 6 page limit might have forced this compromise, but for future drafts you won’t be as limited. You could also lose the description of Claudius pleading. If it is character dialogue the rule of thumb is to put it into actual dialogue.

In some of your dialogue blocks you have the parentheticals mixed in with the lines. They should get their own line whether below the character name or in the middle of the lines of dialogue. Also, some lines like “Fiona cannot bear to look upon this horror” could be cut. Basically, anything that is not a sound or a visual shouldn’t be in the descriptions. Simply saying that she turns away is enough to get the point across.

I really liked the plot. I can’t say anything bad about it. I thought that Claudius would be defeated but it didn’t turn out like that. I liked that you went with a less predictable yet tragic ending. The world you created worked really well. It did remind me a little bit of the film Underworld, but not too much. Abbadon’s speech at the end really tied things up nicely. This was an entertaining read. It also seems like there is more story potential with the Vampires and Lyzines beyond this script. Well done.


thanks for your feedback....I do agree with losing a lot of the more action lines to incorporate more of the dialogue...the more I read it the more I find things I could have done differently....I actually like the scene of Claudius looking in the mirror and talking to himself....many times when people are anxious, upest or really pissed off..the first thing they start doing...they talk to themself.....I wanted him to be completely overwhelmed with his anger that he was working through his plans....simply because he couldn't tell anyone because his intent was to defy the council. I completely agree that I wrote too much emotion into some scenes...this is due to my background in writing stories...not scripts....hopefully, this will be a good experience and I will know better next time! Thanks!

[agalla1]

The long exposition speeches stand out as just that. I would work those into the story more with interaction. I would of left out the head council member talking to the soldiers, leaves a whoa factor at the end. Other than that Good job. Good story. Good read. Thanks for sharing.

I needed to tie in the part of Claudius being the "pawn"...I think the whooaa factor was still there but I think many reader's would question why he sent soldier's to follow Claudius....what was his motivation in having him followed...which then reveals itselt with Abaddon's ending speech....maybe I could have worked it in somewhere else in the story but I am pretty happy with my first script. Hope you enjoyed it!

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

I would love to see this on film. My favorite part,

"Ohhh Dimitri, it now appears you

have no arms....how will you hold
my Fiona now?"


Loved that line as well. :thumbup:

[arroway]

claudius's monologue to himself on page 4 is like a cheesy comic book villain twiddling his thumbs while going over his diabolical plan. just doesn't play right on film.

also, why do vampires have to have such dandy-boy effeminate names?


He finds a trap door just beneath his feet and slowly opens
it. He finds a stairway and descends.finds...finds...finds...


CLAUDIUS
Ohhh Dimitri, it now appears you
have no arms....how will you hold
my Fiona now?(laughs)that's great stuff.


overall, the dialog was too theatrical and on-the-nose. very little of it sounded believable. apart from that good one liner i felt rather uninvolved in the whole thing. vampires are tricky to do in a cool new light. it takes a really strong angle that i don't think you have here.

good luck with it.

[agalla1]

claudius's monologue to himself on page 4 is like a cheesy comic book villain twiddling his thumbs while going over his diabolical plan. just doesn't play right on film.

also, why do vampires have to have such dandy-boy effeminate names?

finds...finds...finds...

that's great stuff.


overall, the dialog was too theatrical and on-the-nose. very little of it sounded believable. apart from that good one liner i felt rather uninvolved in the whole thing. vampires are tricky to do in a cool new light. it takes a really strong angle that i don't think you have here.

good luck with it.


wow....who spit in your bean curd?