"Fate of the Red Katana"

[mjjason]

"Fate of the Red Katana"

A father struggles to protect his son from the trials of joining the 'Order of the Red Katana'

[Judgement]

which order?

[mjjason]

which order?
I am just not great at log lines. The order is specific to the story. I may go back and change it.

[Judgement]

Sounds very interesting! Will keep an eye out for it!

[mjjason]

Sounds very interesting! Will keep an eye out for it!
Cool! I hope you like it. This was written with Anime in mind.

[Russell Moore]

This was written with Anime in mind.


Good to know, I'll have to keep that in mind when I read the script. I'm intrigued to see how it works out as an Anime script.

[jasonthewho]

I'm not specifically a fan of this genre, but to my knowledge you nailed it. Solid story, stylistically right for what you were going for. I could definitely imagine watching this.

One comment: Why is the kid 16? That seems a little old to me for him to still be clutching his mother's hand and to be completely incapable of defending himself. Maybe 12 would work better.

[krestofre]

The flashback scene pulled me out of the story. In my opinion that should be cut out of what was otherwise a very good script.

[Captain Pierce]

While I often find myself in agreement with Krestofre's comments on scripts, this time I'm going to have to respectfully disagree--I found the flashback to be very anime. :)

Overall, I found the script to be enjoyable, particularly when filtered through the cel shader in my mind. :D

[MiataFilmSomething]

Great script. I read it with an anime setting in my mind. Being a somewhat anime fan, I can really see this going something. It's a much better story already than some of the other anime movies I've seen.

It's hard to do in a short time frame, but I would have liked to know exactly what the Order stands for, or what they feel their mission is. Are they good, evil, secret, etc.?

Good setup though. Not a lot of character development, but the story still moves along nicely. Well done!

[Russell Moore]

I thought this would work really well for Anime. I was fine with the flashback.

I agree with Jason. I couldn't really picture the kid as 16 the way he is portrayed. I kept expecting him to jump into the fray and fight with Dad side by side. But he seemed more like a child of 12.

Overall, you built up suspense and the action. I also liked the visual descriptions. Good script!

[nitramlehcar]

I agree with the above. Really cool idea for anime; boy maybe a little old. (My 11 year old won't hold my hand.) Overall, very good job. I enjoyed reading it. :thumbup:

[mjjason]

Thanks for the comments. Glad to see people liking the story. About the flashback, that's kind of a staple in Anime so I included it. Also, it served to try and foreshadow what may happen to Kenji and why the father was so determined to get inside.

I definitely can see why the boy's age may look awkward. Maybe 12 or 13 would work better. This is just a small section of a larger series I have in mind. The story will follow the boy to see him struggle against life and the visions the Order saw.

[alex whitmer]

SPOILERS


Cathedral certainly feels out of place. Do you mean temple?

I love anything with a katana. I felt the action and the basic story were good. No issues with the flashback or projected images.

Maybe ....

You could combine those two, and show Kenji holds some contempt for the council for the death of his brother, and that of course shows up in the projected images. As they are I am not sure if the images were 'defects' in the boy, or some kind of foretelling of events and how he would perform (?)

Dialogue had that stiff, comicbook feel, and maybe that's what you were going for. If so, it really worked.

It felt a little unfinished. I am making a big assumtion that Sayomi commited sepuku.

Really enjoyed the read.

alex


Have you seen Zatoichi?

[mjjason]

It felt a little unfinished. I am making a big assumtion that Sayomi commited sepuku.

Really enjoyed the read.

alex

This is actually part of a much larger story. Sayomi does not commit sepuku. She is part of the order and as such must hunt down and kill her own son and his father. My goal is to make this into a larger Manga type story with layer structure.

The first saga of the Manga would be showing the initial town, an introduction into the order and the duties they perform, and it would include this scene.

The second saga would be the hunt for Michio and his son by Sayomi.

The longer story would be to see if Kenji becomes what the order forsaw, i.e an evil person, or can he change that vision. So the rest will be him dealing with that struggle.

I am not good a drawing so I am writing it out for now. We will see where it goes.



Have you seen Zatoichi?
I have scene it a number of times. That and the various sequels come on IFC quite often. Great character and a great story.

[alex whitmer]

I had no idea there were sequels. Thanks for the tip. My GF is a martial arts type, so we watch what we can find (even the bad ones), but that is still our all time fave, along with the epic Shogun of course.

Your script had a nice departure by the way. Unexpected.

alex

[alex whitmer]

She is part of the order and as such must hunt down and kill her own son and his father


Like that a lot.

a

[pauly_the_hitman]

I really enjoyed reading this story I felt right in the midst of the action and felt the characters. Nice job.
Pauly

[Noel Evans]

mjjason really liked this.

Some comments on Japanese culture for you. Not sure if you conisder it important (after all it doesnt effect your story), but just some info I gathered living in Japan for almost four years.

First, A person of Bishamons stature would never address people with their first names. The only time this really happens is amongst immediate family.

Then Bishomon refers to Kenji as Kenji kun in one line and kenji san in another. San usually follows a family name and if someone calls someone as kun (male) they will rarely change the way they address that person (but as I stated using first names is rare).

And the second one from this
KUROKI MICHIO
(Determined)
I do not wish to have my child join
the order.
Bishamon quickly glances over towards Sayomi.
KUROKI SAYOMI
My husband is mistaken Bishamon-
sama. It will be an honor for my
son to join.

Sayomi would be on her knees bowing and apologising for her husband. Theres a great deal of ownership for the mistakes of family members in Japan. And whilst she wants her son to enter the order, her husband speaking out, would be very shameful to her.

Anyway as I said, these points dont effect your story, just cultural aspects for consideration.

Theres one other point that I wanted to mention, from this

KUROKI MICHIO
I must get inside.
(beat)
KUROKI SAYOMI
You are no longer welcome there.


With the following action I dont think Michios line here is really needed. It seems a bit forced. And, as Sayomi could see what he did next, I thought with the line she delivered she would try to intervene. I think it would be enough if Michio eyed the window and then after we see the opening of the trials, Michio is up there.

Good story, with good character movement.

[STYLZ]

Duuhn Duhn Duhhh. To Be Continued. Very good writing, very good visuals. Nothing constructive to say aside from "seems like part of a story". I was really engrossed the whole way. You captured the Japanese feel really well. Good job.

[thartley]

For me, the age of 16 yrs didnt bother me. I just assumed that he was trained from an early age for this one moment, forsaking all other facets of life. In that regard, he would seem emotionally younger, I think, and would also explain why he didnt jump into the fray. The fact that his father didnt seem to be looking for help from him made me feel the son was reacting as expected, according to his training.

I liked the story, make it longer and bigger. Good descriptions.

[MrKilloran]

Some small cultural mistakes but i'm not an expert so no real complaints. Also, I'd like to learn more about the "lights" and how those work exactly. Other than that good story and well detailed, I'd like to see where it goes from the end.

[Nektonic]

Good description. Interesting world. Action was described well in a short amount of space. Wasn’t completely clear as to what the red light was doing or why Kenji failed, but the visuals of the scene caused me to want to know more, so not a bad thing either.

You mentioned that one should view this as an anime. I think it works well as live action as well. I did feel that some of the visuals were anime-ish, which is awesome because I happen to like anime.

On a technical note, on page 3 towards the bottom you have (beat) in parentheticals when it should just be in a line of description between the two pieces of dialogue. You also didn’t use CAPS on the title on the title page. Not sure if you have to in spec format but I always do just to be sure, plus it looks better in my opinion.

This should definitely get expanded into a longer narrative. Ending seemed somewhat open ended, but that is good because it has a lot of great potential for more drama to ensue. I would love to see more of the adventures of Michio and Kenji and whether Sayori actually carries out Bishamon’s orders.

[jamiejay]

I loved this one. Amazing visuals. Since I haven't seen much anime, I pictured live action and it played a little like Kill Bill, which, I might add, is one of my most favoritist movies of all time. ;)

I almost would have liked to see the roles reversed and have Sayomi be the one who protects her son and slaughters the 100 guards. I like strong females and it would have made sense. I do agree about the age, but not a big deal.

It would be great to read the rest of the story. One of my favorites. :)

[seansshack]

Very well written. Especially your descriptions and actions scenes (some of the best I have read here). Very visual. It read like a movie from the first sentence. Drew me in and held me till the end. You managed to fit a lot of story in a limited spot.

Some of the dialog didn't seem to fit the time/scene. But easily fixed.

Overall great work and good luck with it.

[mjjason]

Thanks to everyone for the strong reviews. This is only my second written script (the first was for scriptfest 1) so I appreciate the feedback.

My biggest concern here was capturing correctly the finer cultural details of Japan. I love Japanese culture and try to read up on it as much as I can but there are always little subtleties that I won't be able to grasp simply because I am not Japanese and don't live there. So any advice people can offer on the cultural side is much appreciated.

I definitely hope to continue this. Like I said earlier I had this idea for sometime. My goal is to spin this into a large Manga or Anime but we will see where that goes.

[mjjason]

I almost would have liked to see the roles reversed and have Sayomi be the one who protects her son and slaughters the 100 guards. I like strong females and it would have made sense. I do agree about the age, but not a big deal.

I thought about that at first and for this short section it probably wouldn't have made a difference. But in the context of the whole story I have in mind it changes the context a lot.

I wanted the father to protect and save his son. That way I can explore the father and son relationship while the two are running. Also, having the mother be who she is I can also exlpore her dilemma of having to hunt down and kill her own husband and son in the larger story. If the roles were reversed than it would have less of an impact.