"vodou"

[nitramlehcar]

Vodou forces us to see what our eyes tell us cannot be real, but
then reality, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder...

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b109/nitramlehcar/vodou.jpg

[Judgement]

interesting!

[tmpafilmer25]

I thought it was "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder" ??? :)

[nitramlehcar]

I thought it was "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder" ??? :)

Damnit! That is SO much better! I should change it. :laugh:

[jamiejay]

i'm jealous that you thought of that topic first :p

love the tag line :)

[conlanforever]

Good logline and poster. In this case, I think its, Beerality is in the eye of the beer holder.

[nitramlehcar]

Good logline and poster. In this case, I think its, Beerality is in the eye of the beer holder.

Whatever the case, you guys are making me thirsty. :beer:

[alex whitmer]

Ah, but ambitious women seek to better their lot.

Let the men drink hops, and burp and fart and scratch to their heart's content. For the smarter sex, beauty is in the eye of the Zin-holder. Please pass the gorganzola.

Fantastic poster. Powerful stuff.

aw

[nitramlehcar]

Ah, but ambitious women seek to better their lot.

Let the men drink hops, and burp and fart and scratch to their heart's content. For the smarter sex, beauty is in the eye of the Zin-holder. Please pass the gorganzola.

Fantastic poster. Powerful stuff.

aw

haha..so right. Love it. Thanks, alex.

[agalla1]

Awesome job Rachel...love it!

[alex whitmer]

Wanted to read this one right off. Certainly lives up to it's name.

SPOILERS BELOW






A few techie things first ...

This ...

(V.O. IN BLACK)

Should be ...

BLACK SCREEN

(V.O.)
Bla, bla, bla

Then to FADE IN

This ...

INT. LECTURE HALL - DAY

Is the LECTURE HALL full, or is this a one-on-one conversation?

This ...

DR. STRANGE
Not at all. Sometimes researchers,
such as Hurston, become a little
too immersed in the worlds they
study.

This kinda telegraphs the end. I knew he was going to bite the big one as soon as I read this. The over-confident ones just ask for it!

Page 2

This ...

Dr. Strange on the phone with informant.

No way to know who he on the phone with.I'd leave off 'with informant'

This ...

DR. STRANGE
I’m at the hotel

Indicate somehow he is on the phone, even if it is mentioned in the action. Just keeps it crystal clear. Maybe try ...

DR. STRANGE (PHONE)
I’m at the hotel

This ...

Give me the location
again... Fine. I’ll be there. You
had better be as well.

Above this, you used (Listens), but here you use rext wrap ...

Is this to indicate long and short listening periods??

And then here ...


DR. STRANGE
I’m on my way to meet him now. I
will have a full account of
everything for the book. I’ll get
back to you soon. I will. Goodbye.

... there is nothing to indicate a break. Be consistent!

This ...

He notices a small cluster of lit candles at his feet and steps over them. He rolls his eyes.

Here again you somewhat telegraph he’s going to die.

This ...

EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND SHABBY BUILDING – NIGHT

You used SHABBY for the hotel, but I am guessing this is in another area. If so, use something like RUN DOWN, or DERELICT to keep it clear. If it’s the same building, then the slug should say hotel, not building.

This ...

Dr. Strange looks at his watch and pats the small pistol in
his left jacket pocket.

How do we know it’s a pistol?

This ...

INFORMANT

Maybe a three or four word into before he starts talking.

Page 3

This ...

Dr. Strange reaches into his other pocket and hands the
informant the wad of cash.

Use the general ‘a wad of cash’. Using the specific ‘the wad of cash’ means we have seen it before. When we see it later in the bar, then it becomes ‘the wad of cash’.

This ...

The boy juts his chin ...

So it’s a boy? This is why we need a short intro.

This ...

INFORMANT
(smiling facetiously)
You knock.

Good answer (and adverb!). Your Informant is a likeable character. Has a well defined personality in just a few short dialogues.

This ...

Dr. Strange approaches the door and knocks. It opens with a
screach.

At this point he has left the alley, so you need a new slug. Also, not sure doors screach (spelled screech).

This ...

In the center of the room the Bokor is ...

Here Bokor needs to be in uppercase since he/she is an important character with dialogue.

Split action over pages 3 and 4.

Page 4

This ...

the bokor

as this is a title, it should be capped, the Bokor. I see others are capped, so this is a typo, of which there are a few.

This ...

INT. DINGY BAR - THE NEXT NIGHT

I’d rather see you have the Bokor say something like ‘See you tomorrow evening, Dr. Stange. Rest well. Or something like that.


Continued ...

[alex whitmer]

Continued ...

This ...

from the previous night

Don’t need it if you have already told is this is the next night.

And back to the wad of cash ...

hands the other man a wad of cash which he places in his back pocket.

Is this the same wad Dr. Strange gave the Informant? If so it should say ‘the wad’ to make it clear.

This ...

The younger man helps him

If this is the Informant, then call him the Informant. Do they let ‘boys’ into bars in Haitti?

Page 5

This ...

follow the doomed man

How do we know he’s doomed?

This ...

picks up his bottle of rum on the street

Street or alley?

This ...

He looks around him to see

Don’t need ‘him’.

This ...

DELAPIDATED

Is this whole town falling apart? Dingy, ramshackle, shabby ...

This ...

The young thief

You mean the Informant? Same person?

This ...

DR. STRANGE AND BOKOR ARE SITTING IN THE LAST PEW IN THE BACK OF THE CHURCH.

No need to cap all this.

This ...

(startled) Mon Dieu! Bocor, No.
Souple! Mwen regret sa!(looks
around) Anmwe!

Parenthetical action mixed in with dialogue is kinda frowned upon. Maybe find another way here. I know - 6 pages forces creative use of space.

This ...

side of the theifs head

Typo.

Split action on pages 5 and 6

Page 6

This ...

There is a swift punishment for the
adept who talks...

Maybe he could take a picture of Dr. Strange! Maybe say, For my book, Doctor. Something that drives home the end.

STORY

I think it’s pretty darn solid, but a little predictable. Wasn’t sure how, but knew Dr. Strange would be dead by the end of page 6.

Your strength is in writing visually. I could picture everything clearly. Also this story stayed nice and linear, always moving toward the payoff.

Nice clean writing, and an enjoyable story. Liked it alot.

Maybe not overtly SciFi, but could pass. Maybe somebody will snap this gem up for the Twilight fest.

Thanks for sharing!

Alex

[preston]

holy line by line review... this is why i love dvxuser.

[nitramlehcar]

Wow. So thorough! Where are you during my peer reviews?

Excellent suggestions. They all seem so obvious now. I have a bad habit of "half-assing." I meant to do the caps thing and check for typos.....really! As far as the technical stuff, I'm pretty clueless. First script attempt.

The candle thing was meant to be a somewhat obvious foreboding. There was a lot more to it that I had to edit out, unfortunately.

Thanks so much for the critique, Alex. :dankk2:

[alex whitmer]

First script attempt.

Serious? Wow, impressive.

Well, I'll be happy to proof your work for you if you like.

Alex

[nitramlehcar]

haha...be careful what you offer. ;)

[tmpafilmer25]

Wow Rachel, she beat the crap out of your script and left it lying on the floor with a black eye and only two teeth left...AWESOME!!!

[nitramlehcar]

Wow Rachel, she beat the crap out of your script and left it lying on the floor with a black eye and only two teeth left...AWESOME!!!


It's kind of ironic. Dr. Strange is an homage to the only professor I have that does that to me. He doesn't miss a thing. I'll have to name the next one Alex. :grin:

[alex whitmer]

and only two teeth left

I counted three.

aw

[arroway]

Vodou: the lack of any, even cursory description of the first setting killed the initial flow of the read for me…same thing with the lack of character descriptions. dr Strange? the comic book dr strange? is this fan fiction? i have officially been thrown for a loop, or through a hoop or whatever the phrase is. one quote is enough of a reference for dr strange’s monologue. having two quotes just seems like you’re relying on external work too much. a “vodou boker”? what? the “informant” (who's never described) is called both “boy” and “young man”. which is it? i’m racking my brain trying to visualize anything in this clearly…breaking up the twelve line block of text on pages 3 and 4 might be something to consider. similarly, the nine-liner on page 5 should also be pared down or broken up into smaller chunks. blocks of text like this should be rare in a full length screenplay let alone a six page one. brevity is a script’s best friend. speaking characters are generally capitalized upon first mention. “thief” is misspelled in all his dialog headings.

overall I have no idea what to make of this. I kept seeing the comic book character while reading it. it’s a thoroughly confusing read both in terms of character and format. The one thing I can say is the dialog is very good and the phonetic dialect is done to such a skilled degree that it’s always comprehensible.


PS: for a first script, this is quite an accomplishment. most first scripts are nowhere near this level. watch the typos though.

[nitramlehcar]

Dr. Strange is not a comic book reference. I don't read them. He's an actual professor of Archaeology and Religious Studies. I stole his name. ;)

I didn't describe the lecture hall because, well...it's a lecture hall. They're all the same to me and I didn't have any room left.

Sorry about the lengthy dialogue. It's a likely side-effect of loving Shakespeare to much. :2vrolijk_08:

[Redcloak]

Several criticisms that I agree with. Great subject though, wished there had been more depth on it, although I guess that's hard given the length. Every so often a Haitian body is washed up in the Thames, a victim of voodoo cults, always thought there was a fascinating story in there somewhere.

I'm ashamed to admit I didn't follow the ending, even though it was fairly clear he was going to become a victim somehow or other. Your flashback/forward to the lecture hall suggested to me that he lives on zombified, since that was the discussion- is that right or completely wrong? I'm a little lost...

Liked it though.

[nitramlehcar]

Several criticisms that I agree with. Great subject though, wished there had been more depth on it, although I guess that's hard given the length. Every so often a Haitian body is washed up in the Thames, a victim of voodoo cults, always thought there was a fascinating story in there somewhere.

I'm ashamed to admit I didn't follow the ending, even though it was fairly clear he was going to become a victim somehow or other. Your flashback/forward to the lecture hall suggested to me that he lives on zombified, since that was the discussion- is that right or completely wrong? I'm a little lost...

Liked it though.


Yes, the rewind to his discussion of the punishment for those who talk and the VO "Aren't you worried about the consequences?" was supposed to suggest that. I'm sorry that wasn't clearer. I always think I'm being too obvious, but that's not what I hear. Thanks for reading and critiquing!

[alex whitmer]

Every so often a Haitian body is washed up in the Thames, a victim of voodoo cults, always thought there was a fascinating story in there somewhere.

Now see, that right there is what makes a writer. While the rest of the world shudders and weeps, the writer sees the art in it.

Hands down, there is no better career choice!

alex

[Redcloak]

Wow, I really did betray a certain callousness there huh?

I guess if the world was shuddering and weeping I'd be less interested in it as a story maybe. I think the world ignores it as a rule, that's another reason for it being so interesting.

And I should point out to the author that because it started with 'v' it was the last script I read in a day when all I did was read the scripts, so there's a good chance that it was perfectly clear and my brain was just fried...

[nitramlehcar]

Wow, I really did betray a certain callousness there huh?

ha...not for me to say, since I did take a lot of it from real-life circumstances. So, I would have to be callous as well, and...well...yeah, that sounds about right. ;p

I guess if the world was shuddering and weeping I'd be less interested in it as a story maybe. I think the world ignores it as a rule, that's another reason for it being so interesting.

And I should point out to the author that because it started with 'v' it was the last script I read in a day when all I did was read the scripts, so there's a good chance that it was perfectly clear and my brain was just fried...

I know what you mean. I had to stop after about 13 or so scripts last night.

[nitramlehcar]

Huh...I really suck at this quote thing. I ought to just stick to the quick reply. :(

[alex whitmer]

Wow, I really did betray a certain callousness there huh?

Not callousness, but rather an ability to turn tragedy into compelling human stories.

On the flip side I have noticed a disturbing trend with news writers waxing poetic with gory - and unecessary - details when reporting facts (lies?).

''Blood was everywhere. The wailing of grieving families echoed off bullet-pocked walls. A child's shoe lay forgotten in a gutter, blown from its innocent victim.''

Ugh! Please. Samuel Clemens you are not, nor ever will be.

No, not callous, but rather a critical eye that can find meaning in the worst and best of all things human.

a

[preston]

good first script, rachel. really good. the technical stuff will come with knowledge and practice, so don't sweat the formatting this time...

great subject matter - i can tell you did your homework, but i suspect you didn't really consider it "work", now did you?

so you kind-of telegraphed the fate of the curious doctor. it's hard to cram well-placed foreshadowing into only six pages, so an easy fix would be more pages!

i wanna read the next draft, ok?

[nitramlehcar]

Sure thing, Preston.

And yes, I did do my homework...and then took out 14 pages and called it "script." :2vrolijk_08:

[STYLZ]

Well I found this very intriguing. Dialect and dialog were really good, although you need to break up the long stuff. Long dialog? Add in a description line. Long description line? Add in some dialog. Break it up like a middle school fight. I fail to see how this is Sci-Fi related though. All and all one of my favorites so far. Good job.

[nitramlehcar]

Well I found this very intriguing. Dialect and dialog were really good, although you need to break up the long stuff. Long dialog? Add in a description line. Long description line? Add in some dialog. Break it up like a middle school fight. I fail to see how this is Sci-Fi related though. All and all one of my favorites so far. Good job.


I totally agree. Though I don't have a problem myself without the lengthy dialogue's, it felt a little akward in mine. I wanted to shorten it, but it was hard to do so without deleting relevant information.

As far as the Sci-Fi relevance, I was leaning a little more toward the "broad/Twilight zone" spectrum, I suppose. Zombies are sorta Sci-Fi, right?

Thanks so much for the critique, STYLZ. I appreciate it. :dankk2:

[jamiejay]

I fail to see how this is Sci-Fi related though.


It was sci-fi enough to be the subject of an X-file episode, so it's sci-fi enough for me :)

I really liked your script. You already know that I absolutely LOVE the topic... and so refreshing after so many people went the alien route (though I do love a good alien film and I am enough of a Star Wars fan to name my dog Jedi).

I agree that your dialect is spot on. (I just said spot on). And I love how the doctor's arrogance led to his demise, despite his supposed expertise in the subject area.

I know length requirements is an issue, but more visual descriptions of other vodou (is that the official spelling?) rituals would have brought the creepiness and the awesomeness to a whole new level. ;)

Nicely done! You are a very talented writer! :)

[preston]

I know length requirements is an issue...

that's what she said.

[nitramlehcar]

Vodou is the original spelling. Voodoo is an Americanized version...or Britishized then Americanized...whatever. Anyway, thanks a bunch, jamie!

Dangit, I still can't figure out the selective quoting. grrrr...

[nitramlehcar]

that's what she said.


Hell yeah, that's what she said! :evil:

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

This was very good. Dr. Strange! Loved it.
The characters were all very entertaining in their own way. The story also flowed very well.

Nicely done!

Mike

[Redcloak]

Lo and behold, Angel Heart on the television at this very moment.

[jamiejay]

This was very good. Dr. Strange! Loved it.
The characters were all very entertaining in their own way. The story also flowed very well.

Nicely done!

Mike

That's what she said. :nads:

[MiataFilmSomething]

This story kinda reminded me of a mini "The Serpent and the Rainbow"


There were a few story issues for me, it seemed hard to follow in a few places, but the story is still solid. I enjoyed reading the dialog . The Dr. Strange name didn't seem to do it for me either.

For a first script, this is far beyond average. I still have the first script I wrote. I read it now and laugh at how horrible it is. I just hope not too many people are laughing at the one I submitted to this fest.

If that is your first script, you are indeed talented. Good job!

[nitramlehcar]

This story kinda reminded me of a mini "The Serpent and the Rainbow"


There were a few story issues for me, it seemed hard to follow in a few places, but the story is still solid. I enjoyed reading the dialog . The Dr. Strange name didn't seem to do it for me either.

For a first script, this is far beyond average. I still have the first script I wrote. I read it now and laugh at how horrible it is. I just hope not too many people are laughing at the one I submitted to this fest.

If that is your first script, you are indeed talented. Good job!

You're right on that. Serpent and the Rainbow gave me the idea. I realized that Dr. Strange sounds a little hokey and obvious, but I didn't care. I actually have a professor by that name who is a really unique character and I left it as a little homage to him.

Thanks so much for the read and the critique. I really appreciate all the input I''m getting from everyone on it. :dankk2:

[ghalied]

Wow, interesting. I actually started reading from the bottom, so this is the first script I read (though I read all before commenting on any) and it physically made me cringe at the quality of my own entry.

Your dialogue for me me was your strong point - except maybe the Dr Strange's first line which is a bit of an infodump. I loved the vernacular and intermixing of French. It gave real authenticity to the setting.

The weak point for me was Dr. Strange's actions. He is supposed to be the expert and can foresee what they will try to do to him. I wanted him to be an arrogant professor who had a plan where other's fail but who fails anyway. I kinda hate it when the characters don't spot the obvious (which is part of why horror movies irritate me).

But anyway, well done. Good luck in the competition, it certainly is a worthy entry.

[nitramlehcar]

Your dialogue for me me was your strong point - except maybe the Dr Strange's first line which is a bit of an infodump. I loved the vernacular and intermixing of French. It gave real authenticity to the setting.

The weak point for me was Dr. Strange's actions. He is supposed to be the expert and can foresee what they will try to do to him. I wanted him to be an arrogant professor who had a plan where other's fail but who fails anyway. I kinda hate it when the characters don't spot the obvious (which is part of why horror movies irritate me).

But anyway, well done. Good luck in the competition, it certainly is a worthy entry.

You're totally right. It was a gratuitous infodump, but I liked the way it sounded. Dr. Strange is cocky. I had someone in mind with that character. He's very intelligent, and he knows it, and because of that he's a cocky ass at times. With this particular person, it is only the obvious that eludes him.


Thanks for the read and comments, ghalied. I really appreciate all of the feedback. :dankk2:

[jamiejay]

The weak point for me was Dr. Strange's actions. He is supposed to be the expert and can foresee what they will try to do to him. I wanted him to be an arrogant professor who had a plan where other's fail but who fails anyway.

I have to disagree with this assessment because, to me, he was an arrogant professor who thought he could do what others could not, but fails anyway. He was so full of himself that he didn't think it was possible he could fail.

I don't mind the "info-dump" as it sets up the story perfectly.

[ghalied]

It sets up the story but I think it misses a few opportunities. 1. To have something visually interesting at the same time. 2. To show us the professor's personality at the same time (that way we know the obvious eludes him).

There are so may ways to do this. Start with the professor getting off the plane. Show the professor ignore some obvious stuff. Get into a taxi and then have a conversation with the driver. Here we can have the main elements of the story explained while the arrogant professor talks with the caring verbose taxi driver. Or it could be at a cafe with the cynical and knowledgeable expat. Or at the hotel with his put upon new PA.

But I'm not saying my way is correct, I'm just saying that subjectively it wouldn't work for me.

[jamiejay]

I definitely agree that something visually interesting is always important... in fact, I thought it could have been a voice over, or maybe done in flashbacks, spread out over the action in Haiti because every little section of his lecture lines up with the events in the story almost perfectly.

But I'm not saying my way is correct, I'm just saying that subjectively it wouldn't work for me.

No worries... I disagreed about the professor, but I don't disagree with you about the long monologue at the beginning.... I just didn't mind it either :)

[alex whitmer]

Info-dump (not my words) as written ...

DR. STRANGE
Well, you’re partially correct.
It’s a form of societal control,
but regardless of age, the fear of
zombification persists. It doesn’t
matter whether or not it is real.
What matters is that it is
believed. Henry David Thoreau once
said, "It’s not what you look at,it’s what you see."
It’s my intention to uncover exactly what
that is, to the extent of shadowing
a vodou bokor. Unfortunately, there
hasn’t been sufficient research in
this area. Most believe
zombification to be nothing more
than folklore. Others simply find
the research too impractical. Haiti
can be a harrowing place, and vodou
practitioners are renowned for
their secrecy. Anthropologist, Zora
Neale Hurston once wrote, “There is
a swift punishment for the adept
who talks....If he is found guilty,
the executioners are sent to wait on him."

*****
It's not the information that's the issue, but a lack of action to break it up. There are a couple of natural breaks where I think some eye candy can be inserted. Also, get the student to share some of the lines so he's not just a stump on film. Maybe along these lines ...

*****
DR. STRANGE
Well, you’re partially correct.
It’s a form of societal control,
but regardless of age, the fear of
zombification persists. It doesn’t
matter whether or not it is real.
What matters is that it is
believed.

Dr, Strange paces, picks his words carefully.

DR.STRANGE
It’s not what you look at,
it’s what you see.

STUDENT
Henry David Thoreau, but what ...

DR. STRANGE
(miffed and full of pride)
... It’s my intention, to uncover exactly what
that is, to the extent of shadowing a vodou bokor.

Dr. Strange pops a breath mint, crunches it in his teeth. Relaxes.

DR.STRANGE
Unfortunately, there
hasn’t been sufficient research in
this area. Most believe
zombification to be nothing more
than folklore. Others simply find
the research too impractical. Haiti
can be a harrowing place, and vodou
practitioners are renowned for
their secrecy.

He ponders a moment, smiles smug at student.

DR. STRANGE
Extra point if you can name who wrote - "There is
a swift punishment for the adept
who talks....If he is found guilty,the executioners are sent to wait on him."

STUDENT
Anthropologist Zora Neale Hurston. Be careful, Dr. Strange.

Dr. Strange looks impatient, pops another breath mint. Crunch.

DR. STRANGE
Always.

***********

Something like this will add lines, but if you streamline some action blocks, you can free up some space to break up the brick of dialoge.

As written it uses 23 lines, breaking it up uses 49.

On average you are using about 50 lines per page, which means breaking up the dialogue will take a full page instead of a half. Since it looks like you are using one of those script writing softwares that automatically give an extra line above slugs - of which you have 10 - compress that and now you just got half of the space you need.

Always keep the visuals moving, and drop hints of character indiosyncracies.

[nitramlehcar]

Again, wish you were there for peer review nights, Alex!

[conlanforever]

I liked the story and the subject matter. You can create cool visuals, they are a little inconsistent. Some descriptions were nonexistent and some were detailed.

In the beginning I was a little discouraged. I had no idea what Dr. Strange looked like, the age, the sex. Dr. Strange could have been a woman, there is no mention of the Doctor's sex until page 2 when he picks up 'his' satchel.

I could assume he was a man because he was a doctor, but that would be sexist, wouldn't it? ;)
I just went with the image I had from the comic books I read when I was a kid.

The opening dialogue needed to be broken up, but thats already been addressed. Alex has a some great ideas there, basically his critiques are good as gold.

The script really kicked off for me when I got to the Ramshackle Building. Great descriptions here, I could really visualize what was going on.

You really nailed the dialect in the dialogue. I like the visual at the end where he was in the coffin. The end was expected, but I thought it worked.

For a first script it really showed that you have a talent for writing.

[pauly_the_hitman]

interesting read. Nice job.
Pauly

[thartley]

I did enjoy reading this one. It flowed nicely and I did not have to work to follow it. I have a question though, that may seem a little stupid, but was Dr. Strange buried in the end because he took a picture, or because he was planning on "talking" at all about any of it?

Nice story and well done.

[david jerome]

Screenplay by Rachel The Witch:engel017: :thumbdown. Vodou :-KnockedOut(D. Zombification:zombie_smiley:. I'm a little hesitant to say anything negative about this:undecided. I wouldn't want you to get upset:-Mad(DBG):. This was a very interesting story. Great subject matter. I thought it flowed well and it kept me intrigued the whole time. I wish the ending had a little more leading to Dr. Strange being in the coffin. I wanted to know how he got there. I think this would translate great to the screen and would love to see it made.

[Captain Pierce]

Names are tricky things. For the (probably majority :) ) of your readers who have never heard of a comic-book character called "Doctor Strange," the name will probably provoke at most a mild sense of "What an odd name." Those of us who have heard of the character may (as I did) wind up unable to get it out of their head. :)

I don't know if I would have attempted to write the Haitian characters' dialog in dialect. It adds to the mood when reading, I suppose, but given these politically correct times we live in, I guess I'd be worried that it would offend someone as being overly stereotypical.

The "info dump" has already been run into the ground, so I'll just mention my original thought when reading--it seemed too much to give the Doctor two obscure quotes in the same speech.

I also agree that the transition to the Doctor in the coffin seemed too abrupt. At the very least, a quick addition to the previous scene of the zombie awakening, with the zombie grabbing him and the Bokor saying something threatening.