Page 665

[RodThompson]

Tagline: Every contract has a loophole...even the Devil's.

This is also going to be my TwilightFest entry.

EDIT: Damn it all!!! I just scanned through my entry and towards the end, and once in the beginning...there are errors....OH THE SHAME! I messed up the Lord's prayer!!! Am I going to Hell for that?

[Captain Pierce]

I think you went a little over the page limit... :D

[Blaine]

Page 665. Hmmmm. I wonder what's on the NEXT page? :Drogar-Love(DBG):

[arroway]

looking forward to this one.

[RodThompson]

Actually, I DID go over...7 pages. Grrrrrrr.....D/Q me if need be. :(

[Tom Shortridge]

Crap, dude, I didn't even think about the page limit... do you think you should upload the old version?

[Judgement]

sounds interesting!

[conlanforever]

Its not a pre-nup is it? I hate to see satan have to give up half of hell.

[MiataFilmSomething]

Just got done reading this one. Well done on the drama of it all.

I was gonna bring up the errors in the Lord's Prayer, but you already found that, so that's done with.

The only thing didn't seem to mesh was the character of Satan. He seemed to have too many different emotions. I guess maybe I was expecting him to have a different kind of attitude at different places and he didn't. I thought at the very end instead of him laughing and clapping and acting happy, he'd be more quiet and angry because he was beaten. I still like the idea of him clapping, but in a more quiet and sarcastic manner, hiding his true anger that he was defeated again.

Another thing is when we see Satan again in the bar all those years later, he looks totally different, as does Rice. How are we supposed to know it's them? Maybe give Satan some kind of marker, like a ring that he's wearing that we see in both time periods, or a certain way that his eyes glow for an instant. Just something to let the audience know that it's still him.

Very interesting read!

[RodThompson]

I was just talking to our costume designer about that in an email...a token or trinket that Satan carries with him. In the film, it will be clear that they are the same actors.

Satan's attitude is somewhat of a melody of emotion, as I want to give him the appearance of never being static, constantly changing, and always whimsical. He's a deceivver, thus his emotions never truly portray what he's thinking. The end clapping is more of a way for him to vent his anger, while still applauding a brain-splattered bar.

Thanks for the feedback, and once again I apologize to the Divine for the prayer foul-up.

[conlanforever]

I really enjoyed this and liked the characters. I thought your Satan was excellent and I enjoyed his reactions and the dialogue between him and Rice.

The end was great. I got a good visual of Satan, clapping and laughing in the midst of the gore and horrified people.

I'm definitely looking forward to seeing it after its produced.

[RodThompson]

Thanks, bro! I aim to please...myself...lol.

Seriously though, good feedback fuels the fires of creativity!

[pauly_the_hitman]

Good job. I am glad you didn't cut it down would have killed the story. Can't wait to see the film.
Pauly

[RodThompson]

Thanks for the read, Pauly! I look forward to not getting hitted.

[Tom Shortridge]

gaaaah, why'd you go over the limit?

not gonna lie, though, there are some parts of the original version I prefer over this one. it's been awhile, and I've only read this version once, but that's what I remember.

Love it, though. I do love this script.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Loved it! Didn't even realize that it was over the limit until I read the post above.
I saw the ending coming before it occurred but it didn't matter.

The writing was excellent and I bought into every line.

Great work!

Mike

[MrKilloran]

You went over the limit?! Didn't bother me none, thought it was well played script, nice character work, especially with Satan. Great ending, a bit expected, but it worked. Nice job and keep it up.

[RodThompson]

The newest version has an alternate ending, a BETTER ending.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

I loved the ending! I would be interested in reading the alternate though. :thumbup:

[MrKilloran]

A better ending?

[RodThompson]

Well, better doesn't seem to be the consensus view. Lol.





SPOILER
I'm plagued by the suicide. After reading it a few times over, it just feels...weird. The contradiction of suicide being a sin, but instead a way out of damnation? See where I'm going with this.

Hmmm....gonna have to think about this one for a few.

[Captain Pierce]

The "suicide as a way out of damnation" thing works on the first read, but then it starts to break down the more you think about it.

The way I'd approach it, I guess, would be to look at it as a way out of the contract, not necessarily damnation. As Satan says, the test is just his first step, and as Rice goes along, he may well come to regret not just sticking with the contract...

Interesting script, if a page-and-a-half too long... :(

[Noel Evans]

Some of the best dialogue I have read this fest. Pitty about the going over thing.

[arroway]

at first i was confused why satan was cavorting with a field of grain before realizing rice is a character.

i think the first shot should be of the woman and the dying child. simply hearing someone coughing than a woman crying i don't think will be enough when viewed.

in any case, great first scene. best opener of the fest hands down.


satan puts out his cigarette...

he's been smoking?

overall...that was fucking great! i absolutely loved it. one of the most charismatic satan's ever! best dialog i've read so far. you could film this tomorrow for nothing and it would still be great.

at the end after he claps his hands and says "bravo. bravo" i think he should scream "drinks on me!" as everyone in the bar stares transfixed at the blood and brains leaking out into the floor and it cuts immediately to credits.

great script.

[RodThompson]

The "suicide as a way out of damnation" thing works on the first read, but then it starts to break down the more you think about it.



My AD called me on the road the other day with a new ending that will drive this ting more into the deeper realms of Twilight Zone loving...so stand by. :)


...one of the most charismatic satan's ever! best dialog i've read so far.

I tried to find a Satan that I would trust...kind of guy who could make you believe 2+2=5 and then feel dumb for ever thinking it was 4. In the new ending, this is really brought to the forefront of the moral.